by R. J. Groves
“You didn’t make any friends, did you?” he asked, sitting down next to me.
He knew me so well. I shook my head as I studied the pattern on my doona.
“Tell me about it,” he urged.
I began telling him about my day. How Emma and Aimee made me feel welcome at the start, the conflict that occurred in my chemistry class, and my feelings that this would turn out to be like the rest of the schools I’ve been to. My brother pulled me into his consoling arms. He was the one person I knew I could trust with my life, the one person I could talk to about anything, and the one person that I could count on to hold my hand through all that I went through.
΅ ΅ ΅
“I just don’t know what to do, Aims,” I said on the phone.
This one day without him seemed to go for so long: so much had happened, and it took him so little time to move on. No matter how hard I tried, it was simply impossible for me to forget about him so soon after what he did. The vicious flame that was burning my heart seemed to die down a slight amount while I talked to my best friend on the phone. I thought about all that had happened.
My mind – for the thousandth time since it happened – replayed my heart shattering to pieces. The horrible words he said. The torturous things he did. I laid on my side under the blankets on my bed. My vision went from the devastating heartbreak to a collection of everything that happened today: Renée with her tomato hair and rosy cheeks; him flirting with her in front of me; her giggling stupidly every time he winked at her. Anything else that may have happened today was a blur to me. I don’t remember getting the pile of notes in my philosophy class, or being given a 3,000-word essay for homework in English. I only know these things now because Aimee had my back and got them for me. I felt a tear roll slowly down my cheek.
“Em, there is nothing you can do. Stop worrying about it,” Aimee said.
She seemed so sure, but I wasn’t convinced. I heard a knock on our front door, and my heart dropped. He knocked like that. My body heaved.
“Emma?” Aimee said, sounding worried. “Emma, are you all right? Do you want me to come over?”
I felt tears streaming down my face, my body heaving more rapidly now.
“Aimee, can I ring you back? Someone’s at the door and Mum’s not home yet,” I said. I didn’t wait for her answer before I hung up.
I scrambled out of bed, wiping my face dry. I glanced at the clock as I walked past the kitchen – 9:52pm. Mum wasn’t due home until after ten. Who comes at this hour? I thought. I detoured into the dining room before going to the door as I heard the knocking again. I peered out the window in the dining room only to see someone standing with long, wavy black hair at the door. I didn’t need a second glance to know who it was. No wonder it’s the same way he knocks.
I glanced at the radiant girl standing at my front door. I was definitely not ready to talk to her. No, not tonight. Not after what her brother did to me. Tears welled up until everything I saw was blurry. I could vaguely see the tall figure moving gracefully away from my house, her long black hair blown in all directions from the wind. I slumped to the floor, a familiar darkness covering my eyes.
I woke up to the sound of rain bashing against my bedroom window. I looked around the room I’d woken up in, which was illuminated from the streetlight outside. I could almost swear I didn’t fall asleep in my bed. I looked at the time: 3:27am. I decided that my mum must have managed to get me to bed while I was in a sleepy daze. I felt unusually hungry. I’m never hungry in the middle of the night. Realisation hit me. I hadn’t eaten much at all the previous day, or on the afternoon before. I blame it on him – I tend to forget to eat when I’m hurt or upset.
I rose from my bed and began walking in the general direction of the kitchen. In doing so, I managed to trip over the pile of books that were laying on the floor, and fell hard. I heard the clatter of my phone skidding across the floor. A chilled wave swept over me as I realised that I hadn’t rung Aimee back after seeing who was at the door. Knowing Aimee, she would have been freaking out that I hadn’t returned her call. I ran my hand down my leg. I could feel a bruise beginning just above my ankle. I sighed, rose to my feet and walked to the kitchen.
As I switched the kitchen light on, something caught my attention. Something that I hadn’t seen the night before. I walked over to the kitchen bench and silently held the carefully folded note in my hands. I opened it up and whispered it to myself.
Emma,
I’m sorry I have to tell you this through a note. I came home last night to tell you myself, but instead found you asleep on the dining room floor. Do you want to explain that to me when I’m home? I came to tell you that I have had to leave town for tonight and tomorrow for work. I won’t be home until the morning after. I’m so sorry baby – I’ll ring you when I get the chance.
I love you,
Mum
I read over the note again. Mum never had to go out of town for work, let alone for two nights. A strange feeling of aloneness swept over me. I no longer felt hungry. Instead of getting something to eat, I walked slowly up the stairs and crept back into my bed. As I lay there thinking, trying to sleep, I noticed that the rain had stopped and there was an eerie silence.
It’s just your imagination, Em, you’re perfectly safe, I thought to myself.
I wasn’t sure why I felt that something was wrong – I’ve been at home by myself plenty of times before now and nothing happened. A thought occurred to me.
It’s because you’re alone. He isn’t with you in any way anymore. And she’s not here at the moment you need her most.
“No, that’s not true!” I sobbed as I pulled the blanket over my head and fell into a restless sleep.
Chapter 2
Confusion is a mystery. Knowledge is a history.
It had been five days since it happened. Five whole days. I tried to drag out getting ready for school for as long as I possibly could, preparing myself for what would only be more hurt. I felt exhausted. I have woken up so many times each night since then, remembering clearly the words he said. Each day at school this week seemed to remind me of the pain he gave me. He has been looking at Renée as though he wants her and she has been falling for it. Renée, the shy girl who Aimee and I met on Monday. The girl who blushes like a tomato if she thinks she’s doing something wrong, or if you get frustrated with anything that could have something to do with her. The smart, determined girl who has done nothing but get everything perfect this week. The girl who never stops smiling and, when you get to know her, the vibrant girl who is everyone’s friend. This is the girl who thinks she belongs with me and Aimee, the one who has wedged herself into my life and brings me more pain every time I see her with him, and the girl who is always noticed by the guys. This is the girl that I am jealous of when he looks at her like that.
There were a total of three things that I liked about this day: nothing else. The first is that it is Friday, so we have sport today. Sport – even though we are not exactly assessed on it – is my favourite class. It’s a time when I can run. Run away from all the things that hurt me, away from the pain. A time when I can have a sense of freedom and do something that I both enjoy and am good at and where I actually feel good about myself. Second, it’s the last day of school for the week. If I had to spend any more days this week than I already have seeing him, I didn’t know how I would manage. Also, tomorrow being Saturday, I get to spend the day with Aimee – just the two of us.
Every Saturday the two of us spend the day together, either shopping or going to the movies. Then, we stay the night at one of our houses, doing assignments, laughing, crying and staying up all night just having fun. It’s something that we have done for seven of the eight years that we have known each other for and something that we intend to do every weekend for many years to come.
This morning, for the first time this week, I walked to school with a smile on my face. Aimee was the first to notice.
“You’re chipper this morning,” s
he said. “What happened?”
I couldn’t resist a laugh.
“Why do you think something happened?” I shrugged. “I’m almost always happy on Friday, Aims, you know that.”
“I know, but for some reason I thought that today might be one of the Fridays when you’re not happy.” She smiled and gave me the biggest hug I’ve had all week. “It’s good to have you back, Em.”
“It’s good to be back, for today at least,” I said after we’d finished hugging. “Hey, do you know what’s for sport? I haven’t been paying too much attention this week.”
I held in a laugh – Aimee had that look again.
“I noticed,” she said, raising an eyebrow. “I think it’s soccer. Do you plan on prancing around like a deer again this week?”
We both started laughing at the thought. We also played soccer last week and I had a brief moment of boredom streaked with craziness while on the field. So, I decided that, instead of running, I would prance. It caused many laughs and we had a very relaxed, confident and competitive game, my team winning, seven to five. Suddenly, Aimee stopped laughing, staring back and forth between me and something behind me.
I spun around, my heart dropping, the fun memories of last week leaving me immediately. Renée was walking with him to school. They had just entered the gate together with him putting his arm around her briefly before he headed towards his friends and she walked towards us with a smile plastered on her face. Maybe he had just been passing her on his way to school, making it a coincidence that we saw them just as he was in line with her. But they were definitely talking when we saw them. Maybe they were friends now, but she hadn’t left our sides since she came to this school, sitting with us in every class. But why did he put his arm around her? Before I could think of any more possibilities, Renée had reached us.
“Hey girls,” she said. Her smile was beginning to annoy me, along with the chirpiness in her voice.
I felt my face flushing; I didn’t know what to say. I looked to Aimee for help. I knew I had put her on the spot and I immediately felt bad for it since, to be honest, she is shockingly bad at thinking on the spot.
“Is something wrong?” Renée asked hesitantly.
I looked back at her. She seemed confused, her bright red hair enhancing her facial features. I hadn’t realised until then how long her eyelashes were, how green her perfectly shaped eyes are and how her lips were like a baby’s lips, but in a slightly bigger version. Her cheeks were rosier than I ever thought possible and the shape of her nose was nothing but perfect. Even her freckles enhanced her pretty features. I began to understand – he thinks she is beautiful. No, he sees the beauty in her. I felt tears welling up.
“Nothing is wrong,” I forced out, maybe a bit too harsh.
Her face dropped from a smile to a frown. She opened her mouth to say something just as the bell rang to go to first class.
Saved by the bell.
΅ ΅ ΅
I sighed and began walking towards my English class, the first class of the day. According to my timetable, I had English for a double period, chemistry for a single followed by a free period, then sport for the last two periods of the day. I enjoyed Fridays more than the rest of the school week at every school I’ve been to, mostly because Fridays had generally been rather slack days for me in reference to the workload, but also because it was the last day of the week that I would have people trying to control my life. It was the day I would eagerly wait for that last bell to ring, publicly declaring that I could go home and be myself for the weekend, without interruptions.
I took my seat beside Emma, placing my books in front of me. Before opening my books, I glanced to my left. Emma had turned in her seat so that she could talk to Aimee while facing her completely. This was a habit, I noticed, she had developed in all her classes that she had with both me and Aimee. A habit I feel may have been developed within my first week of attending Leverand High.
I’m sure she noticed me sitting next to her. She only turned to completely face Aimee, her back facing me, after I sat down. It was something I knew I should expect, knowing my experiences at the other schools I’d been to. But it was something that never failed to hurt me, to make me feel like I was being placed at the bottom of the list of people she liked. I blinked back a tear of hurt, anger and frustration. I couldn’t cry – not here, not now. I brought my attention away from Emma and Aimee and back to my desk, finding a piece of paper carelessly folded and placed on my folder. I opened it up, suspecting a note, and read it silently to myself.
Good chat this morning! Talk to you again in the free period, yeah?
Considering I’d only talked to one other person who wasn’t Emma or Aimee today, I looked in the direction of where he was sitting while I re-folded the note. I smiled in agreement when our eyes connected, receiving a toothy grin in reply before he turned around to face the front. I looked to the front as well – our teacher had come into the classroom. Feeling Emma’s eyes on me, I glanced back at her. Her face was expressionless. I could tell she saw us smiling at each other and she obviously wasn’t happy about it.
I think it was safe to assume that she wouldn’t be talking directly to me for the rest of the morning.
Fourth period finally came after a long morning. Emma seemed to say as little as possible to me throughout chemistry. Sure, it was mostly theory work today, but when we had to answer a set of questions in pairs with the person next to us, she answered them herself without asking me more than “Can I borrow your eraser?”
We were supposed to work out the answers together, as a team. I never realised that teamwork was exactly the same as working individually. Not that it bothered me much – I mean, she did get some of the questions wrong. But I felt excluded, and publicly so, because we were the only pair in the classroom who weren’t working together.
On the plus side, it would make it easier for me not to sit with her and Aimee in the library, though she may not be happy if I sat with whom I’d planned to sit with. They must have had some kind of history together. What it was, I didn’t know. I thought it would be interesting to find out, though. He didn’t seem too bothered about it – I figured it was mainly on her part. But I could only guess until someone told me what’s going on.
Free periods were generally held in the library, so this is where I headed. I made sure I wouldn’t be arriving at the same time as Emma. She headed towards Aimee’s classroom to walk to the library with her, which only made my life easier. The library was in sight now; Emma and Aimee weren’t. My body involuntarily flinched as I felt someone jabbing my sides.
“Hey, you!”
The deep voice belonged to the person I was going to see.
“Hey,” I replied, continuing to walk towards the library as he fell into step with me. “I’ll let you off this time, but if I end up hitting you next time for jabbing me in the ribs, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.”
I heard him let out a chuckle. I turned to face him.
“I am being serious. You know that, right?” I said.
“Sure you are,” he replied, still laughing. “Did you have fun in chemistry?”
I glared at the ground before replying.
“It was… interesting,” I said.
“Oh yeah, it looked like you and Em were really having a blast,” he said, and chuckled again as we entered the library and walked over to a vacant table.
Emma and Aimee were still not in sight.
“Metaphorically speaking, there was a blast happening on the inside of my head,” I replied, placing my books on the table and sitting down.
He took the seat opposite me.
“So, she’s still annoyed that you’re talking to me?” he asked.
I was surprised at his question. Yes, I could tell that she was annoyed at me talking to him, but I hadn’t told him that. The only person I’d told was my brother, but he didn’t have contact with anyone at Leverand High and certainly doesn’t tell anyone what I tell him. He’s my con
fidant.
“What makes you think that?” I asked him.
He nodded his head in the direction of the door. I turned to look.
“Renée, why are you sitting here?” Emma said. “Come sit with us.”
It sounded more of an order than a request. I watched as she walked quickly over to another table, Aimee following behind her at a slower pace after hesitating for a few seconds.
“Go sit with them. You don’t want to be on Em’s bad side. Trust me.”
I felt some reassurance in his deep voice.
Sighing, I picked up my books and walked over to sit with them. I put my books next to Aimee, having decided that I didn’t want to sit directly next to Emma at this point. I scanned the room for Emma who, by the looks of it, had gone to find a book to read. Aimee took this time to heed me a warning.
“If you really want to stay on safe ground,” she whispered. “Stop doing what you’re doing.”
“Doing what?” I whispered back, slightly confused.
“Giving her reasons to hate you.”
΅ ΅ ΅
“We’re going to do something different today.”
Finally, time for sport – the moment I was looking forward to all day. I’ve heard this statement said before. Since this group didn’t have enough girls today to play soccer, the teachers selected a number of boys to come over and play with us. This was perfect for me. The boys always brought a challenge with them, a chance to be more competitive.
“We have the boys joining us today,” our teacher said. “Alice, James, you two can be captains. Boy-girl. Pick away!”
Alice, a bright girl, chose first: “Jake.”