"We don't get many girls playing," Dex said. "He's probably just surprised. And wants to make sure you're not some dude with a bad sense of humor."
"You mean guys are usually behind these girl champions?"
Dex nodded.
I typed back a reply. Yeah, what of it?
Don't attack head on. Go back and buy more health potion first.
I showed the response to Dex. "Is he right?"
Dex frowned. "He sure is. Shit, Ellie. You may be my secret weapon. The real guy who plays Jayce has never shown any mercy before. Back your character off and do what he says while I think of a way to exploit his weakness." Dex turned back to his game, fighting off an enemy champion from the other team.
I replied. Thanks. I owe you one.
I went off to win gold and buy health potion at the market. I wished they had a love potion. Or maybe a make-things-right potion. When I returned to the heat of the battle with my potion, Falcon26 backed off and coached me again. For the entire game, he gave me almost more help than Dex did. When the game ended less than an hour later, we were victorious, largely thanks to Falcon26.
Falcon26 sent me a message. Nice game, FrontGirl. I demand a rematch. Be my friend?
"What does that mean?" I asked Dex.
"You have access to your friends' status and can see if they're online playing the game. It makes it easier to schedule matches or for impromptu games."
"What should I do?" I asked him.
"Friend him. I want to see how he coaches you if he ever makes good on his promise to play you again."
I shrugged and typed. Sure.
Dex showed me how to accept the friend request. "We won! You upset Falcon26 with your feminine charms. I've never seen him falter or show mercy before." Dex gave me a high-five.
"Yeah, I'm really hot when I'm drawn like the Lady of Luminosity." I pointed to the outrageously stacked character on my screen. She would probably have been like a 34GG cup size if she'd been real. With a twenty-two-inch waist.
"Next time pick a character with less clothes on. That will really rattle him." Dex paused like he was thinking. "I should pretend to be a girl next time. I don't know why I didn't think of it before."
I shook my head. "It won't work. You'd have to change your screen name. And you play too well to be a girl. You'd never carry it off."
"Is that a compliment?"
I shook my head. "Did I say that? I meant to say, do you really want a guy hitting on you, even during a video game? I don't think you have the flirting chops for it. There's skill involved in seduction." I looked at the time. It was getting late. "I'd better go."
Dex nodded. "I was right—playing helped. You feel better."
Not really. The game had only temporarily distracted me. But I nodded for Dex's benefit.
"Hey, you want to be on our team for the rest of the tournament? It's double elimination. We're going to play these guys again."
"Okay. Anytime you play them," I said. "Dex?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask a favor?" I grabbed my coat.
"Sure."
"Call off the chem class game of Where's Ellie."
He wrinkled his nose and opened his mouth to speak.
"I'm not finished. That's not the favor," I said. "Come with me when I tell Byron to stop writing me love notes?" My voice trembled. Logan was supposed to be the one who went with me and played hero.
Dex looked touched. "Sure. But only if Logan doesn't step back in before then."
I'd seen the look on Logan's face. He wasn't coming back. "We'll do it Tuesday during my regular study time with him."
Dex nodded again. "Sure thing, Ellie. Can I bring my potato gun, in case it gets ugly?" He winked to let me know he was joking.
"Just bring your wit and your brawn." I slipped my coat on and stood to leave. "That will be enough."
He flexed his bicep. "You got it." Dex grabbed his coat. "I'll walk you home."
I stumbled into bed and had the longest night of my life. Bre was spending the night with Dan, which was just as well. I wanted to be alone while I cried my heart out. I was back in that black hole where I'd gone after catching Mom and Austin together. But this was worse. I had thought I was in love with Austin, but I had been wrong. I'd only had a crush on him. The horror I felt was mostly due to Mom. But I loved Logan, with all my being. Losing him left a hole in me.
After Mom betrayed me, I had a purpose—find my bio dad. And a hope—that my dad would be worth finding, that I could be part of a family with him. And Jason had turned out to be a great guy. But had we just blown any chance of being a family? Why was there always a downside to happiness?
I tossed and turned. Cried. Cried some more. Ached with longing for Logan. I even worried that I wouldn't have any friends left when I finally came clean with them.
I didn't remember falling asleep, but I must have. I woke with Bre peering anxiously over me, still dressed in her clothes from the night before. "What happened? You look terrible."
"Bre?" I squinted at her. The sunlight coming through a crack in the curtains hurt my eyes.
"Oh, crap, that's a big-ass fight look. This can only be about Logan," she said. "Hold on." She went to the sink and ran me a glass of water, then grabbed me an ibuprofen. She handed them to me when I sat up. "You're going to need these." She hesitated. "Have you been crying all night?"
"As much of it as I remember." I swallowed the pill she'd handed me, draining the water along with it. She took the glass from me and set it by the sink.
"What time is it?" I glanced at the clock. I'd missed chemistry.
Someone knocked on the door. Bre went to answer it.
Tay popped in. "Is everything okay? Ellie didn't stop by for her morning coffee." And then she spotted me and mumbled something choice beneath her breath. "Are you sick? Do you want us to take you to Student Death? I'm sure they'll be happy to finish you off."
Bre shot her a look and mouthed Logan's name.
"Oh." Tay nodded.
"Look, I have something I have to tell all of you," I said, brushing the hair out of my eyes. Even after a whole glass of water, my mouth felt dry and my tongue thick. "Is Nic around? It would be easier to tell you all at once."
Tay nodded and ran off to get her. Minutes later they were back sitting in a row on Bre's bed. I launched into my story.
"Oh my God, Ellie! That is…" Bre shook her head.
"Awesome," Nic finished for her, giving her a dirty look that told her to shut up. "About your dad. Quite a tale, but you have a dad!" Her eyes lit up. "A good one."
Tay nodded her agreement. "Yeah!"
"Maybe," I said. "He might hate me now."
Bre joined in, shaking her head. "Not if he's the kind of guy you say he is."
"You guys aren't mad that I didn't tell you?" I couldn't believe it.
Nic shook her head. "No. Should we be? It's your business. What if you had been wrong and Jason wasn't your dad?" She shrugged. "He's entitled to his privacy, and you yours. You got caught in a trap, that's all."
"I only wish we could have been here to help you," Tay said. "I'm sorry you had to suffer alone."
My eyes welled with tears again. I'd misjudged them. "Thank you," I whispered.
"Yeah, and Logan should feel the same way." Bre was adamant.
Nic shook her head, warning Bre off. "He's in a different position than we are. I'm not going to judge him. I just wish his reaction didn't hurt you, Ellie."
"What should I do about Logan?" I asked, sounding pitiful and needy. "I should be there for him."
"Give him time," Tay said.
My phone buzzed on the dresser where I'd left it. I dove for it way too eagerly. A text from Jason. My heart fell. My hands shook. I made myself read it.
I'm sorry for the way things happened yesterday. Lyssa and I have talked. I explained things. I think things are going to be okay. It may take time before we'll feel like a real family, but I think we'll get there. Lyssa will come around. See you
at work.
I started crying again. I handed the phone to Tay. She read the message to the group.
"Things are looking up already," she said in a voice too chipper to sound completely convincing.
I had to resist texting Logan again. It was clear he didn't want to hear from me. Everyone agreed he needed time. After Austin cheated on me, he texted me repeatedly. And I really hadn't wanted to talk to him. I knew how he felt now, at least to a degree. I craved forgiveness. I wanted Logan back so desperately I could almost taste it. I hadn't done anything as hideous as Austin had, but I knew Logan felt betrayed all the same. And remembering how I'd felt, I also realized that texting would only upset him.
When I opened my backpack to get ready for class, it smelled like roses. The battered red rose from Logan peeked out at me. I cried again. I should have thrown that rose out, taken it to the garbage downstairs, out of my sight. But I didn't. I couldn't. I handled it gently, cupping it back together with my hand. I found a thumbtack and hung it by a string upside down in the corner of the room to dry. To haunt me.
I went to work that afternoon full of nerves, dreading it and wanting to see Logan in the worst way possible. Karen was quiet and sympathetic, kind and gentle with me as she handed me the list of repairs for the RTAs to handle. When I pulled up their schedules to make assignments, Logan's name was missing from the list of available techs. Before I could ask Karen why, Jason came in from a meeting in another building.
"Ellie, can I see you in my office?" His tone was kind.
I followed him in.
He shut the door and hung his coat on the rack, looking like he'd gotten about as much sleep as I had.
"I'm sorry about yesterday. I've ruined everything." I burst into tears again.
Jason pulled me into a hug, which was what had gotten us in trouble in the first place. "There's nothing to forgive. It's not your fault. We'll work it out."
He sounded so confident that I believed him.
"Are you going to be okay? Can you pull yourself together?"
I nodded.
"Good." He patted my arms and went around to sit in his desk chair. "Let's put the personal stuff aside for a minute. I have business to discuss with you. Sit."
I pulled up his guest chair.
"I just came back from a meeting at the admin building to discuss our situation."
My heart pounded like it was going to burst out of my chest. I was just about to lose my job, too.
"Hey, don't look so glum!" He smiled tightly. "It's good news. You can finish the semester here with me. After Christmas you're being transferred to the records department in the admin building. They have plenty of need for a good management info assistant. You'll like it there."
I let out a sigh of relief. "I like working here."
He nodded.
"You're not in any trouble?" I asked.
"I talked my way out of most of it."
"Most?"
His smile was still tight. "Don't worry about me."
I nodded and asked another question I was dreading. "Why isn't Logan on the list of RTAs?"
Jason looked me directly in the eye and smiled sympathetically and sadly. "He quit this morning."
I put my head in my hands. I'd done it, really done it. I'd ruined Logan's relationship with Jason just like I'd feared I would. And caused Logan to quit the job he loved, the job that had helped save him.
Jason didn't say anything, but I knew we were both worrying about the same thing—Logan.
Chapter Seventeen
Logan didn't text me. He didn't call. When I Facebook stalked him on Thursday, I discovered he'd unfriended me. All I could see was his profile picture—him partying with a beer in one hand and his arm around Kelsie, who was beaming. The picture was obviously recent, like since our breakup recent. I swallowed hard to keep from crying. He was turning to Kelsie for comfort again. I tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to push images of them together from my mind. He was back to his old support system now that he had cut himself off from Jason and me.
On Saturday night I stayed home to wallow alone in my single-again misery. For kicks, I logged in to the video game. Almost immediately Falcon26 contacted me. What's a beautiful girl like you doing playing video games on Saturday night?
I replied: How do you know I'm beautiful? That's just the way my character was drawn.
Girls who play video games are hot, he said. You still haven't answered my question.
I hesitated and tossed caution aside. Even though he was a fellow student here, I had no intention of meeting this guy. Why not tell this video game geek the truth?
Bad breakup. I'm single.
His loss, Falcon26 said. Want to play a game?
Only if you help me.
Deal. What about you? What are you doing alone on Saturday night? Fair's fair, I thought.
Waiting for a girl like you.
Okay, so he was a sweet geek. Maybe my experience with Byron should have taught me a lesson. But I guess it hadn't. Besides, this was a fantasyland. No one expected reality here.
Haha, I replied. Let's play. Be Jayce again. I like him. I could really use a handsome hero.
But I'm the enemy, Falcon26 replied.
Yeah, isn't that the way it goes?
Mom texted me half a dozen times, begging me to spend Christmas with her. I deleted them all. The weekend went by and slid into Monday. Finally, I couldn't stand it. I texted Logan. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I should have told you about Jason. I should have told you about Byron. I should have trusted you. I'm really sorry I didn't. You should go back to your RTA job with Jason. I'm transferring to another job after the semester ends.
My fingers trembled when I pressed send, and I still wanted to cry. But I felt lighter, like a burden had lifted. My experience with Austin had taught me about forgiveness and making genuine apologies. All I could do was apologize and take responsibility for my part. Whether Logan forgave me or not was totally up to him.
I held my phone in my hand, waiting for a response. But the phone didn't buzz. Logan was silent. I ran to the dining hall and grabbed a coffee. Tay had saved me a cobblestone bar. I had it and my coffee for breakfast as I ran to chemistry. To my relief, everyone was dressed normally. Dex and I sat in our old favorite seats. I set my coffee and cobblestone bar on the speaker in front of me.
Byron looked relieved when he went to the lecture podium and saw the class wasn't dressed alike.
"This is no fun," Dex whispered to me.
"Chemistry isn't supposed to be."
He rolled his eyes.
Byron spotted me in the crowd and kept looking at me during lecture. I knew what I had to do was the right thing. Heartbreak sucks. But it's better to know the truth than keep hoping for something that isn't going to happen.
Logan didn't text me back. On Tuesday Dex went with me to my chem study session with Byron.
Byron was sitting in his usual spot behind his messy desk in his broom closet of an office. His eyes lit up when he saw me and turned just as quickly to disappointment when he spotted Dex with me. Byron craned his neck like he was trying to see if a whole crowd of students would be joining us. He looked nervous about that.
"It's just me and Dex today," I said.
Dex and I stepped into the office and closed the door behind us. Dex was risking his grade coming with me. He really was a true friend.
I took a deep breath and launched right in to what I had to say before I lost my nerve. "The love notes in my lab reports have to stop," I said.
Byron flamed so red the patches on his cheeks looked ready to ignite. His gaze flicked to Dex.
"It's okay," I said. "Dex knows about it. I brought him along as a witness."
"Is he your boyfriend?" Byron sounded angry and jealous.
Dex elbowed me, obviously amused by the question. I wanted to tell Dex to shut up, but I ignored him.
"No," I said. "He's my friend. Back to the love notes and the missed-connection posting and
wanting to ask me out—I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. You're a nice guy. A smart guy. And I know there's a girl out there for you. I'm just not it. There's no chemistry between us." I tried to smile and sound light.
But the sad, defeated look on Byron's face didn't make it easy.
"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression by baking you cookies. And I appreciate all the help you gave me with the cobblestone bars and chemistry. But writing personal notes on my lab report is crossing a professional line. It's unacceptable and has to stop.
"There's been enough scandal with this class." My voice broke as I thought about Logan. "We don't need any more. The university is in enough trouble already. They'll come down hard on anyone who even looks like they're violating the ethics code. For all our sakes, this ends here."
Byron looked scared now as well as heartbroken. "Are you going to turn me in?"
I shook my head. "Not if you stop now."
"Okay." Byron nodded and slumped in his chair.
"You have to promise to grade us fairly and not let this affect our grades," I said. I didn't mean to make a veiled threat, but it came out that way.
Byron nodded again. "Sure."
"Good," I said. "Thank you. And I promise not to tell anyone else about the notes. That's all I have. We'll be going." I nodded to Dex.
As we turned to leave, Byron called out to me. "After the semester? What about then? Maybe we could have coffee?"
I knew better than anyone that you can't just turn your feelings off. Logan was clearly sending me a signal that his feelings for me had died. I had to send the signal to Byron that I had never had any for him. I couldn't lead him on. "No thank you," I said.
Dex and I walked together in silence. When we were out of the chem building, Dex finally spoke. "Nice job. Seriously. I was proud of you in there. You did the right thing."
I had expected Dex to joke or poke fun. His words touched me. "Then why doesn't it feel better?"
"The perils of being a heartbreaker."
"And being a good baker," I said, trying to join in. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I never grasped the power of it before."
Reckless Secrets Page 18