by Selena Kitt
‘I just like learning stuff. And it’s amazing the things you can learn from documentaries. For example, did you know that noseprints of dogs can be used to identify them, just like human’s fingerprints.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. A human skeleton has 300 bones when you’re born but only 206 when you grow up.’
‘No way! Where do the extra bones go?’ She raises a questionable eyebrow.
‘You’ll have to watch some documentaries to find out.’ I smirk. ‘Some turtles can breathe through their bums, did you know that?’
‘You just made that up, didn’t you?’ She throws back her head and laughs, exposing the soft white skin of her neck upon which I can imagine my lips tracking a line of kisses.
‘Snails can sleep for three years at a time.’ I grin. ‘Only half of a dolphin’s brain goes to sleep. The other half makes sure it comes up for water so it doesn’t drown.’
‘Wow.’
‘I could go on forever, but I don’t want to bore you with my useless facts.’
‘It’s not boring. It’s pretty interesting, actually.’ She smiles at me. ‘I was the school nerd, too,’
I arch an eyebrow. ‘Well, you’re definitely nothing like the nerds I went to school with, either. Actually, I was never very academic at school. I was too busy with martial arts and more interested in practical stuff.’
‘Well, you’ve got a degree in psychology and counselling, so I’d say you were pretty academic.’
‘Yeah, that came later. Along with the nerdiness.’
‘So, what’s your favourite fiction book?’
I take a sip of beer and swallow slowly as I think. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird, probably.’
‘I love that book! We did it for our English O Levels, but I must’ve read it about ten times since. After Mum died, I kind of threw myself into books to escape my life. None of my friends really knew what to say to me after it happened. Gradually they drifted away, and I let them. Death does funny things to people. My world consisted of reading and working in the coffee shop, and I never really fitted in anywhere. I…I wanted to be a writer.’ She looks wistful and a little uncomfortable, as if it’s the first time she’s shared this with anyone. ‘I wanted to study creative writing, but Imogen made it clear she couldn’t afford for me to do that. I had an obligation to work for her to repay her taking me in, so I replaced the books with learning all I could about baking.’
‘Never say never, Grace. If that’s what you want to do, I’ve got no doubt you’ll do it.’
‘Maybe I will, one day.’ She shakes her head as if trying to clear away the long-gone hopes pushed into a corner of her brain. ‘Anyway, we made a promise not to talk about sad stuff, so…tell me something else about you. What’s your favourite film? Mine has to be The Shawshank Redemption. Do you know it? The one where an innocent guy gets sent to prison?’
I look at the ground to try to hide the emotion bubbling to the surface. ‘Never seen it.’ I try to keep my voice steady as I stand up. ‘Do you want another drink?’
She stares at her empty wine glass as if she can’t remember drinking it. ‘Mmm, thanks.’ She holds out the glass.
When I come back from the bar, I’ve pressed the memories back down and composed myself again. We talk about other books we’ve read, new recipe ideas she has for the shop, music, places we’d like to travel. I can’t stop looking at her mouth as she talks.
‘So what do you think?’ she says.
I didn’t hear the last thing she said. I’ve been too captivated by her mouth.
‘Sorry?’ I say.
‘You weren’t listening, were you?’ Her lips curve into a smile that just about undoes me.
‘Er…yeah, I was listening.’
‘What did I say, then?’ She tilts her head.
‘Something about…’ I trail off and laugh. ‘You’re right, I was thinking about something else.’
‘What?’
I don’t say anything. She’s not letting me get away with it that easily, though, and she raises her eyebrows in a question.
I clear my throat. ‘You probably don’t want to know what I was thinking.’
‘I do.’
I take another sip of beer for courage. I’m not used to alcohol anymore, and it’s going to my head, making me braver.
My gaze roams over her mouth, the dip and curve of her full lips, and I wonder if they feel as soft as they look. ‘I’m thinking how much I want to kiss you right now.’ I instantly regret the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth, because her jaw drops open and her eyes widen.
Chapter Thirty-One
Grace
I’m so surprised by what he’s said, I stare at him open-mouthed. He just admitted in a roundabout way that he likes me, and that ripple of excitement is back. Ben evokes strange feelings in me that I’ve never had before, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I’m happy and scared all at once. I don’t know if I’m capable of this. If I can ever take things further with someone.
I like Ben. I mean, I really like him.
But I don’t want to.
It’s too hard. Too complicated.
Why am I feeling like this? Is it just because he’s been there for me all this time? Is it because he’s so kind? Do I like him because I’m just grateful? I don’t know how to do this, whatever this is. I don’t know how to have a relationship. I was never any good at it with Theo, and since him…well, now it’s just not possible. I’m scared, but I’m not scared of Ben. I’m scared for an entirely different reason. I don’t want to mess this up. This…friendship. I don’t want to make a mistake; I know how deadly they can be. It’s reckless even to think what I’m thinking about right now. I need to protect myself.
But I’m also sick of thinking, analyzing, and worrying too much for once in my life. Sick of being the girl who longs and wants for things she can’t have. Tonight I want to forget and just live for one second, instead of just existing. Feel what it’s like to be cared about by someone. I’m tired of being alone.
I don’t know if it’s the wine going to my head, making me more relaxed and reckless. But what I do know is that I really want his lips on mine. And suddenly I can’t stop the words falling out of my mouth…
‘I want you to kiss me.’ My voice sounds strange to my ears as I gaze into his dark eyes, as if it belongs to someone else. And the way he’s looking at me…no one’s ever looked at me like that. His eyes are all consuming, burning me up from the inside out.
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m angling my head towards his.
He leans in closer, his spicy aftershave wrapping itself around my nose. His powerful hands slide up my shoulders and cradle the back of my neck, but instead of feeling vulnerable, I feel protected.
His soft lips brush across mine, and I’m dizzy.
Hot.
Breathless.
My mouth parts automatically, as if it has a mind of its own. His tongue seeks mine, and as they sweep together, the touch is so light it’s almost like torture. A gentleness that Theo never possessed is there.
I don’t want to breathe in case he stops. My hands reach up to touch his smooth jaw and chiselled cheekbones. My pulse bangs hard in my ears. My head spins. Heat floods my cheeks.
As the kiss deepens and he wraps his tongue around mine, my fear vanishes, and every muscle in my body relaxes. The inner tightness coiled inside like a hard knot dissolves.
A kiss was never like this with anyone before. I thought I’d be shaking and trying to tear away from him, but it seems so natural, as if our mouths are a perfect fit for each other. I realize that even though I’ve been kissed before, this is the first time I’ve ever been really kissed.
I’m so lost in the flickers of desire flaming through me that I don’t want to open my eyes in case it’s not real. In case I’m dreaming. I’m trying to etch the feel of his full lips on mine into my memory forever because for this moment, I’m a normal woman again.
; When he wrenches away from me, it’s like part of me is missing.
He leans his forehead against mine, stroking my cheeks with his calloused thumbs.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says, his breath vibrating against my skin. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. It was completely wrong of me.’
‘You didn’t do it. I did,’ I say breathlessly, bravely. And I want more than anything to do it again. I’m craving his lips on mine.
‘I don’t deserve you, Grace.’ He drops his hands from my face and slides his fingers through mine, staring deep into my eyes. He looks scared, unsure for once.
‘Well, we must be made for each other, then, because I was thinking the same thing.’ I grin to hide my nervousness.
Does that sound desperate and needy? If it does, he doesn’t seem to notice.
He gives me a lopsided smile. ‘Are you sure you’re OK with this?’
I nod because, surprisingly, I am.
‘Grace, I promise I’ll never do anything to hurt you.’ His smooth, calming voice does strange things to my insides, igniting something foreign. He brings my hand to his lips then kisses the sensitive part of my wrist.
A million explosions shatter through me down to my core. I don’t know what this is, but it feels like the start of something special.
‘I like you,’ he says in between kisses. ‘I really like you. But I never want to do something you’re uncomfortable with, and I don’t want to pressure you. You’re in control here, OK?’
‘I…I don’t know if I’m ready for…something more. I don’t know if I ever will be.’
He continues to kiss my wrist. ‘I’m not going anywhere, Grace. We’ve got all the time in the world.’
‘I’m scared.’
‘So am I,’ he says simply, and those words make me realize he feels as vulnerable as I do. ‘After Mia died, I made a promise to myself that I’d never let anyone get close to my heart again.’ He rubs his thumb in a circular movement over the palm of my hand. ‘But you have, Grace.’
The bell ringing for last orders at the bar breaks into our private world. He stands up, holding my hand in his. ‘Come on, I’ll take you home.’
We walk back to my flat in silence, just the sound of our breathing echoing in the night, and I wonder if I imagined his lips on mine. I can’t really believe it happened. I run my tongue over my lips, tracing where he’s been on my skin. They tingle with sensitivity and something else: anticipation of the next kiss.
‘Stop doing that. It’s far too sexy,’ he says, his fingers tightening against mine.
I’ve been too lost in thoughts to notice he’s been watching me. I don’t know what to say in response, so I lean my head against his shoulder, and his warmth seeps into me.
At the bottom of the stairs to my flat, he leans in towards me, tucks a stray wave of hair behind my ear, and kisses me on the cheek.
‘You taste like vanilla.’ He runs his finger along my jaw.
I want to plunge my hands in his messy hair, taste his tongue on mine, slide my hands up the back of his shirt and trace the taut muscles with my fingertips, but I don’t. I need to take things slowly.
‘I’ve had an amazing time,’ he says.
Tears prick my eyes because no one since Mum died has ever been as kind and caring as he has, and I don’t know if I deserve it.
‘Me, too,’ I say.
And that night, instead of having nightmares, I dream about a beautiful man who makes me feel like a princess.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Ben
I wait for her outside the gym and wonder if I imagined last night. I’ve replayed the kiss over and over in my head, and I’m worried she’s going to regret it in the cold light of day. Whatever this is between us won’t be simple, I know that. But she’s worth the fight, and I’m prepared to do anything to keep her in my life.
I glance at my watch. She’s late. Panic twists my guts.
Have I pushed her too far?
Have I fucked this up already?
And then she’s there, hurrying towards me, her hair fanning over her shoulders and a nervous smile on her face. My stomach relaxes and I smile, which seems to happen automatically whenever I see her.
‘Sorry I’m late.’
‘That’s OK. I was worried you weren’t going to show.’ I kiss her on the cheek, and she sucks in a breath. She turns her face to mine, and I try to read her eyes. Is it OK to kiss her? Instead of trying to guess, I just come out and say it. ‘I want to kiss you again.’
Her smile brightens. My head dips down as I cradle her face in my hands. I sweep my tongue across her lower lip before turning my attention to the upper one and delving into her mouth.
She lets me take the lead, and I taste every part of her mouth, memorizing the feel of it.
I flick my tongue in and out lightly, a rhythm that she seems to enjoy as her hands wrap around my neck and pull me closer.
When I break the kiss, she’s breathless. We both laugh like a couple of nervous school kids.
‘Come on, we’ll be late.’ I take her hand, and we go inside.
We head upstairs to one of the studios, and I set out the mats as a group of women of all ages and sizes file in.
‘Just take a seat on the mats, please.’ I stand at the front of the class. ‘So, ladies, you’re all here for the self-defence class. Before I get round to teaching you some of the actual moves, I want to explain some important things. The better prepared you are, the more likely it is that you can successfully defend yourself or prevent an attack from happening.
‘The best form of self-defence is prevention. If a man’s out there looking for someone to attack, they’re going to want to choose unsuspecting and vulnerable targets, so you need to be aware of some general safety tips.’ I tick them off on my fingers one by one as I talk. ‘Be aware of your surroundings, which means walking in well-lit areas, varying your route or times of travel, not talking or texting on your phone or rummaging around in your handbag when you’re walking along, and having some kind of weapon readily available, like holding your keys poking out in between your fingers.
‘Now, I don’t want to scare you, but as well as preparing yourself physically, you need to mentally prepare yourself for what might happen during a possible attack. After we go through some of the moves, you’ll be able to think about it more easily, but visualizing what you’d do means you’re less likely to be frozen by fear and unable to defend yourself if the unthinkable happens.’ My gaze instinctively flicks to Grace, who’s nodding slowly to herself.
‘Men who attack women are most likely looking for a woman who seems like an easy target. So, to make yourself appear more confident and a harder target, try to stay in areas where there are more people. Stand up straight, look around you so you know your surroundings, try to look like you’re confident. Sometimes appearing like someone who shouldn’t be messed with will be enough to deter a possible attack. If someone’s following you, cross to the other side of the street or head for a shop.’ I stop and look around the room. ‘Are there any questions so far?’
They shake their heads.
‘OK, I know you’re raring to get to the action part, so just a few more things before I demonstrate some moves and we can practice.’ I smile at them. ‘The things I’ve mentioned are all ways you can try and avoid a confrontation, but if that’s not possible, you’ll need to be prepared to defend yourself. One of the first things I’d tell you to do is get loud and push back. As soon as someone tries to touch you, and there’s no possible escape route, shout loudly and push them back. This will do two things.’ I tick them off on my fingers again. ‘It signals to anyone nearby that you need help. And it lets the attacker know you’re not an easy target. It may not dissuade everyone, but it’s the first step to warn them off.
‘If that doesn’t work, you may have only a few seconds and a few moves before he’s managed to gain control of you and the situation, so now you’ll need to do everything you can to inflict injury and get awa
y quickly. You’ll need to aim for vulnerable parts of the body where you can do the most damage in the least amount of time, which are the eyes, neck, groin, ears, knee, and legs. We’ll be concentrating on those parts when we do the practical work.
‘Do we get to kick them in the nuts?’ an elderly woman asks, looking quite excited at the prospect. ‘Because that’s the only reason I came!’ She wrings her hands together with a devious grin.
Laughter ripples through the studio, breaking the seriousness of the subject matter.
I grin back. ‘Obviously that’s a very vulnerable area for a man, so a well-aimed kick, or even pulling and twisting, is a great defensive move. But you’ll have to wait a while for me to get to that part so please be patient.’
A few of the women look disappointed, which makes me chuckle. At least they’re keen.
‘It doesn’t matter what size or strength you are in relation to your opponent. You can still successfully defend yourself using your body and the laws of physics, which is really the same principle behind martial arts, where a smaller person is able to defeat a larger one. So don’t think that you can’t do it. You can, and after this course, you will be able to. This week, we’re going to use the parts of the body most effective in inflicting damage, which are your knees, elbows, hands, and head.’ I clap my hands together. ‘So, are you ready to try some moves?’
I get a chorus of yeses. There are nine women, and I tell them to partner up. I partner with Grace at the front of the class to demonstrate the moves.
‘Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you,’ I whisper to her as she stands with her hands at her sides, looking nervous. ‘OK, let’s try the eyes first. You want to gouge, scratch, or poke your attacker’s eyes with your knuckles or fingers. As well as causing them a lot of pain, it could make your escape easier by interfering with their vision.’ I position Grace about half a meter in front of me and tell her to grab my arm as if she’s a would-be attacker. Then I reach out with my index and middle finger, as if I’m going to poke her in the eyes, before demonstrating it with knuckles. ‘OK, ladies, you try it on each other.’