by Selena Kitt
‘You did what you had to do at the time.’
She shakes her head slowly. ‘Maybe I did, but it doesn’t make it easier. And is it really so different to Ben?’
‘How can you compare an abortion to killing an adult? It’s completely different!’ I say incredulously.
‘Is it? Is it, really? Actually, the only difference is I intended to abort my baby, which makes me worse. Ben didn’t intend to kill Mia’s rapist.’ She squeezes my arm. ‘Those few moments when something happens and your life shatters and is never going to be the same again… they happened to me, and I can’t change it now. They also happened to you, and they happened to Ben. But does that really mean we’re not allowed to move on? To heal? To get our lives back? Do we have to be punished forever?’
I don’t answer. Don’t know the answer. Can’t think straight.
She downs the rest of her wine. ‘What are you upset and angry with Ben for? The fact he did it, or the fact he didn’t tell you he did it?’
I tuck my hair behind my ears. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what’s real and what’s an illusion.’
‘You said to me that when you met me, you couldn’t just say, “Hi, my name’s Grace, and I was raped.” But it was exactly the same for him. He couldn’t announce to you that he’d killed someone. How could he?’
‘But everything he told me is a lie now.’
‘Really?’ Lisa raises her eyebrow questioningly. ‘I don’t think so’
‘Well, yes. He—’
‘No, not everything is a lie,’ she cuts me off. ‘Are you the same person you were after you were raped?’
‘No, thank God,’
‘And Ben’s not that same twenty-year-old he was, either. He made a mistake, which, under the circumstances, I can’t blame him for.’ She shakes her head adamantly. ‘But he’s paid the price, and he’s turned his life around. He’s used the horrendous experiences he’s gone through to help other people.’ She pauses to let it sink in. ‘To help people, Grace! I’d say he’s more than paid back for what he did. He’s a good man, Grace. In fact, I’d go so far as to say he’s an amazing man.’
I sniff and wipe away the tracks of my tears.
‘What’s that famous saying?’ Lisa says. ‘“When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear”?’
‘Something like that,’ I mumble. ‘But it’s all rubbish. There is no magical reason why things happen. No coincidences. No preconceived destiny.’
‘No, I think you’re wrong. He came into your life for a reason, Grace.’ She nods knowingly at me. ‘You said he was the one who helped you to heal, and that’s the reason, don’t you see that?’ She sighs when I don’t answer her. ‘After what I told you, do you think I deserve to be happy? To have a husband who loves me and a new baby?’
‘Yes, of course, I do.’
‘So, why doesn’t Ben, then? He’s crazy in love with you, and you’re crazy in love with him. I think you both deserve some happiness after everything you’ve gone through. I’ve forgiven myself for what I did, and I think you need to forgive Ben.’
I close my eyes and rest my head back on the sofa as my head swirls with everything that’s happened tonight. It’s all too much to take in and process.
‘What are you going to do?’ Lisa asks.
‘I don’t know. I can’t think about all this now. The trial starts tomorrow; that’s all I can focus on.’
‘What trial?’ Lisa shrieks.
I realize I haven’t told her everything about Theo, and how he’s done it again with Rebecca.
‘I hope he gets annihilated in court,’ Lisa spits. ‘Do you want me to go with you?’
I shake my head wearily. ‘No, it’s OK. Rebecca and her parents will be there, but thanks. Thanks for letting me talk tonight, I really appreciate it.’
‘You’re always welcome. I just wish you felt you could’ve told me before.’ She pulls me in for a hug. ‘Will you be OK?’
I rest my head on her shoulder. ‘If I can get over being raped, I can get over a broken heart.’
Except I know it’s not just broken. My heart’s been sliced open and ripped out. I don’t know if there’s any cure for that.
Chapter Sixty
Ben
I do what I did after Mia died. I train hard at the gym. I run until I can’t stand. I kick the shit out of the punch bag in my flat to stop the chaos in my head. I push my body to exhaustion so I can fall into a dreamless sleep. A few stolen moments where I can sink into oblivion and not think about Grace. I try to pretend I’m a normal guy, with a normal past, not a monster. Try to drown out the thoughts filtering through my head, telling me how disgusting and worthless I am.
I have a week off before I start my new job, which is good because I’m going to need it. Already, I look a wreck. I haven’t shaved. My eyes are sunken and hollow, just like my heart. I’d scare the shit out of the poor women I’m supposed to counsel.
I can barely swallow food. Everything reminds me of her and what I’ve lost. Grace is my life, and I’m broken without her.
The pain doesn’t go away. It’s just there, permanently under my skin. Her face haunts me every second. I never thought this would happen to me. Never thought any woman would get close to stealing my heart after Mia. I swore I’d never care so much again. Not after everything that happened. It’s my own fault. All this fucked-up shit, it’s down to me.
Do you believe in love at first sight? I don’t know if I do, either. What I do know is that first time I saw her outside the Women’s Centre, something sparked inside me I couldn’t explain or rationalize to myself. Something intangible yet very real that couldn’t keep me away. Invisible threads pulling me closer to her with every heartbeat. It scared the shit out of me, but with Grace, I just didn’t have a choice.
Time heals and fades the pain of grief and loss. I get that. I’ve lived it with Mia. It’s what I tell people in my job.
But getting over Grace…that’s going to take a lifetime.
Chapter Sixty-One
Grace
I sit with Rebecca and her parents outside the courtroom as we wait to be called and give evidence.
‘You don’t look scared. Are you scared?’ Rebecca asks me, trying to hide her shaking hands by wringing them.
I take her hands in mine. ‘My heart’s racing, my stomach’s doing a rollercoaster flip, and my head’s pounding. But I actually want to stare into his eyes when I tell everyone in there what he did. I want to see that bastard’s face when he gets convicted.’
A silent tear runs down her cheek. ‘I’m giving my evidence from behind a screen. I can’t face seeing him.’ She takes one hand from mine and clutches it round her stomach, leaning forward. ‘I’ve thrown up four times this morning already. It feels like I’m going to again.’
‘You will get through this, Rebecca. I think you’re so brave. You’re fighting back. You’re not letting him win.’
She looks at me with haunted eyes. ‘I don’t feel brave.’
‘You will, Rebecca. It’s a long road, and it’s not easy. But you will. Trust me.’
‘How did you do it? How did you get to be you again after going through this?’
I take my journal out of my bag and hold it tight to my chest. I’ve written in it every day since Ben gave it to me. ‘This is my journey. It’s every thought, every fear, every tear. Every challenge, every milestone, every wish, every success. It’s every inch of sadness, and every slice of happiness I went through to heal.’ I hand it to her. ‘I want you to read it. It might help.’
She puts it in her bag. ‘Thank you.’
I hug her skeletal frame towards me.
‘Rebecca Ellis,’ a bailiff calls out.
She pulls back and looks at me. All the colour fades from her face.
‘You can do this. You’ll be great.’ I squeeze her hand.
She follows the bailiff into the courtroom. Her parents trail close behind to sit in the gallery and give th
eir silent support. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope she’ll be OK. Will make it through this. Will nail Theo in court.
I pace the floor and wait. Pace and wait. Instead of worrying about what I’m going to say in court, the only thing that fills my mind is Ben and the aching hole left deep inside me. I’ve been going over and over everything he told me and everything Lisa said. My thoughts spiral out of control, tripping themselves up as they go from one word or sentence to another. One minute I’m furious, betrayed, manipulated, and the next I’m trying to make sense out of something senseless. A tidal wave of every memory that Ben and I share washes over me, threatening to either drown me or wash me back to shore, but I don’t know which. A war of emotions rages within me.
And in the back of my mind, something niggles at me, but I can’t work out what.
At four-thirty Rebecca exits the courtroom, her eyes swollen and red. Tear marks streak her cheeks. She looks ghostly pale, as if she’s going to throw up again. Her mum and dad walk either side of her, supporting her before she completely breaks down.
I rush over to them. ‘How did it go?’
Rebecca’s eyes mist up. ‘It was awful. It brought it all back.’
‘But you did it.’ Her mum squeezes her shoulder. ‘You did it, Rebecca. It’s over now.’
Rebecca’s gaze meets mine, and I can almost see the question in her eyes. Is it over? Is it ever really over?
I nod my silent answer back and give her a reassuring smile. ‘I’m so proud of you, Rebecca.’
Her dad’s face flushes red. His eyes darken with anger, and he stumbles off down the corridor with his fist in his mouth, trying to control the rage and helplessness that spill from every pore in his body.
Tears fall down his cheeks. He’s trying to be brave for his daughter, but he can’t control it any longer. Theo didn’t just hurt Rebecca, he hurt her parents, too. It reminds me of Ben and how he felt so helpless with Mia. How he took the responsibility on himself. Would Rebecca’s Dad like to punch Theo? I’m sure he would. How far would he go, though? One punch that kills?
And hadn’t I said I wanted to kill Theo when he raped Rebecca? I’d never known how to be angry with him when he raped me, but I was protective of a woman I’d never met before, blind with fury over what he’d done again.
I tell myself it was an accident. A tragic accident. Ben was provoked. The intention was never there to kill him. Break his nose, maybe. Kill him? No.
So which is the real Ben, I wonder. The twenty-year-old who went through hell and kept it all hidden inside, or the twenty-five-year-old who spends his life trying to help other people? He told me in the beginning I was more than just a girl who was raped. It was something horrific that happened, but it didn’t define me. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it doesn’t define him, either.
I think I do know the real Ben. The strong, compassionate, kind man I fell in love with. The one who mended my head and my heart and put me back together again.
I’m so lost in thought, I don’t realize Rebecca’s talking to me at first.
‘Sorry?’ I tear my gaze back to her.
‘I said I couldn’t have done this without you.’
I close my eyes and rest my hand on her arm, remembering a time when I said those very words to Ben.
A barrister for the Crown Prosecution Service exits the court and heads our way. ‘We’re adjourned for the day now,’ she says. ‘Well done, Rebecca. You were very clear and concise with your evidence. I think it went exceptionally well.’ She turns to me with a serious expression. ‘You’ll be called first thing in the morning, Grace.’
‘OK. I’m ready,’ I say with determination.
‘Good.’ Her gaze drifts between Rebecca and me, and she gives us a cool smile. A smile that says she’s heard it all before and seen the worst of humanity. ‘Thank you, ladies.’ She walks up the hallway in her white wig, black robes, and sensible shoes.
‘We’ll be here tomorrow, too,’ Rebecca’s mum says. ‘After everything you’ve done for Rebecca, we want to give you some support, too.’
Rebecca nods, although she looks totally wiped out, like she’s about to pass out.
‘You don’t have to do that,’ I say.
Over Rebecca’s shoulder I see Theo’s mum, Elaine, dressed in her barrister robes exit the courtroom with her colleague, who is first chair at the defence table. She barely acknowledges us standing here. It’s only the pinched lips and creased forehead that gives away her feelings. Edward appears through the door next, and Theo will emerge soon because he’s out on bail. I take Rebecca’s hand and pull her in the opposite direction, down the corridor so we’re both out of his sightline. Her mum follows.
‘Really, it’s OK,’ I say. ‘You don’t have to be here. It’s probably too much for you, anyway, Rebecca.’
‘You need someone here to support you like you’ve done for Rebecca, though,’ her mum insists.
A picture of Ben’s face flashes behind my eyelids. I don’t need his support. I can do this on my own. In fact, I know I can do anything on my own now. Face anything.
But I want his support. I want him.
The good and the bad. The ugly and the beautiful.
He’s never given me a reason to doubt I’d be safe with him. He’s never been violent; in fact, he’s the exact opposite of that. He was there for me from the beginning, before I even knew I needed him. Looking out for me, protecting me. He was the bandage for my wounds. My solace. My rock. The man strong enough to save the broken girl. Fix what I thought was unfixable. I know he’d never hurt me. Never hurt anyone intentionally.
Maybe Lisa was right. Our pasts had brought us together for whatever reason. They’re interconnected with each other, inextricably binding us to one another forever. Maybe we were supposed to save each other, and I’d just abandoned him when he needed me the most.
A wave of guilt crushes me as it suddenly registers what’s been bothering me. It’s something he told me all those months ago in the coffee shop. Something that shows the essence of who he really is. That proves to me beyond a doubt I do know the real Ben.
As Lisa said, he couldn’t tell me what he’d been through in the beginning, any more than I could just announce to her that I’d been raped. But he did tell me about Mia. A story he’d never told anyone before.
Why?
How did he know that was the right thing to say to give me courage to share my story so I could finally begin to heal? He knew something bad had happened to me from the panic attacks and the way I’d acted, but how did he know I’d been raped? It could’ve been something else entirely. I could’ve been involved in a physically abusive relationship, and might’ve had panic attacks, and acted the way I did. Yes, Ben’s an intuitive guy, and he can read people well. I assumed he’d read me, too, because he’d helped other rape victims as a counsellor. But looking back now, I don’t think he could’ve guessed exactly what had happened to me.
Which means he found out some other way.
He didn’t have my number written on his hand before the accident because he’d seen a defective brake light on my car. When I told him the lights appeared to be working OK, it seemed like he didn’t know what I was talking about. He couldn’t remember, because he lied. Just like he lied about his past.
But if the lie is for a good reason, does it still make it bad? And hadn’t I lied a thousand times about my past to people, too? So am I just a hypocrite?
Suddenly, I have to get out of there and find him. ‘I won’t be alone,’ I tell them, and rush out of the building, running down the street.
Every step takes me closer to Ben. I just hope it’s not too late to help me save him from himself.
Chapter Sixty-Two
Ben
I run a route past the coffee shop, hoping for just a glimpse of her. She’s in court and won’t be there, but somehow it makes me closer to her. As if her soul is tied up in that place, and I can feel her essence seeping into me from the building by osmo
sis.
What the hell am I thinking? Osmosis? I’m completely losing it.
My heart pounds as I push myself harder, heading back to my flat. I don’t know why I’m even going back there. Nothing’s waiting for me except empty, mocking walls. If I do another few miles, it will delay the inevitable.
And I realize that’s exactly what I’ve been doing all along. Ever since I met Grace, I’ve been trying to delay the inevitable by not telling her the truth.
I run harder, ignoring the screaming pain my legs, the burning in my lungs. I’m hollow inside. As if someone’s scraped out my guts and left them to decay on the pavement.
By the time I get back to my flat, I’m so exhausted I sit on the edge of the kerb in the communal car park and rest my head in my hands. I need to stretch, but I can’t summon up the energy. I hear footsteps but stay where I am, hoping they’ll just ignore me and go into their flat without speaking. The last thing I want to do right now is talk.
‘Ben,’ Grace’s voice says.
At first, I think I’m hearing things. I’ve conjured up her voice in my head because I want to see her so badly. Even if it’s for one last time. Just a fleeting glance of her I can burn into my brain forever.
My hands drop to my knees as I lift my head up. ‘Grace?’
She looks tired and vulnerable, and just so amazingly beautiful it makes my heart clench. In fact, I think it actually stops for a second.
‘Are you OK?’ I stand up. ‘Is the trial going OK? I’ve been so worried about it. About you. About everything.’ I realize I’m babbling and stop. Try to say something else. Something intelligent and interesting so she has to stay here and listen to me. ‘So… um.’ I run a hand over my hair.