by Selena Kitt
She went to get us some tea after lunch and came back looking a bit upset. When I asked what was wrong, she wasn’t very forthcoming. The only hint she gave was when she asked about Richard, I believe the wording she used was “What’s his deal?”. I had to assume he tried some of his so-called charms on her – that’s what he always does. And apparently it didn’t work.
For some reason this really cheered me up. All the others just want to suck up to him all day, but not her. I thought I was the only one who saw him for the asshole that he is. She was being careful not to say anything too incriminating, of course. But I could tell from how she said his name that she’s not exactly a fan.
After finishing for the day we got chatting. I guess she’s just trying to be sociable. She said she likes to know the people she works with, something to that effect. We talked about silly stuff mostly – movies, music, that sort of thing. It turns out she’s unusual indeed, in fact we share very similar tastes. It was nice, just to talk for a little while. She’s excited about The Hobbit coming out, even if we agreed that The Lord of the Rings will be hard to match.
When she got up to leave, she casually touched my arm while saying goodbye. My skin is still buzzing in that spot even now. I hope she didn’t notice if I acted weird. It’s just a casual gesture, she wouldn’t have meant anything by it…
“Yeah, I’ll have another. Double.” I say, still rubbing that spot on my arm.
The bartender has given up on taking my empty glasses away, instead opting to simply refill them. I don’t know how many times. The whiskey has stopped burning on my tongue, so I must’ve had a few already. But why can’t I get her out of my head?
I don’t want to go home…
IV.
“Morning, John,” I say when I reach our desks. I’d seen him sitting in much the same condition as yesterday, so I decided to go back to get tea straight away.
He takes the cup, giving me an apologetic smile.
“Rough night?” I guess that wasn’t really a question.
He responds with an unintelligible noise rather than actual words.
“I wish you’d take better care of yourself.” Shit, did I actually just say that?
He looks up, surprised causing me to instantly start fidgeting with my cup. Damn, too soon!
“Anyway,” I say, trying to fill the awkward silence, “I hope you like chocolate chip cookies…”
Apparently he does, because he doesn’t hesitate to help himself from the open packet I’m holding in his direction. We’re both quiet again, eating and drinking our tea. I’ve always been clumsy, so it’s no surprise I’m spilling crumbs all over the front of my dress. I casually try and brush them off, when I notice Dick leaning against the door frame leading to his office, watching me. Fuck, just what I don’t need.
“Erm, John…” I clear my throat, and lean over to get out of Dick’s line of sight. “I hope you don’t mind but I would like to ask a favour…”
“Yeah, sure. What is it?” he says.
“Well, you know the other day I asked about D-ehm-Richard?” I start.
“Yeah…”
“It’s just – he’s been acting funny…” I take a deep breath. Better out than in! “Well he creeps me out. Would you mind, you know, sort of hanging around when he comes over? I don’t want to be alone with the guy…”
My heart is pounding in my chest. I thought I could tell that he didn’t like Dick either last time we talked about him, but what if it was a trick?
“Uh, sure…” He smiles at me. I guess he does understand. Thank God!
I can’t see Dick anymore; hopefully he’s wandered off to be creepy somewhere else. It seems that John thinks I’ve learnt quite enough for the time being, so he gives me a few jobs to do on my own and the day passes without much excitement.
I decide to have lunch at my desk this time; as usual John is away for the whole hour. I thought I saw him go into the copier room, but surely he can’t have been in there the whole time. I must have just missed him leaving.
Dick is apparently busy with meetings all afternoon, which doesn’t surprise me. Those management types do love their meetings to make them feel important. In any case it’s a good thing because I don’t risk running into him.
By five o’clock it seems he’s back though, lurking around his office, looking in my direction. John is getting ready to leave for the day. I’d better hurry so I don’t get left behind.
“Umm, John, mind if I walk down with you?” I say.
He throws a quick glance in Dick’s direction.
“Yeah, no problem. I’ll wait.” I give him a grateful smile and quickly pack up my bag.
Unfortunately, the way out is right past the office, and as we walk by I hear Dick clearing his throat.
“Cath. Have you got a minute?” Dick gives John a suspicious look but he doesn’t move from my side. My knight in shining armour!
“Oh, Richard, I’m sorry I have to hurry, doctor’s appointment. I hope whatever it is can wait until Monday?” I respond.
Dick doesn’t look all that pleased but waves me on.
“Yeah, no problem. Have a good weekend then.”
John and I briskly walk out into the hallway and to the lifts.
“Doctor’s appointment, eh?” He grins at me.
“Well. I figured that would be hard to argue with.” I smile back at him.
The lift doors close behind us. Alone with him in this small space, I feel my heart racing more than normal. The reflective lift doors have a near mirror finish and I can’t help but keep stealing glances at John. I don’t think he notices. He looks as though he’s quite lost in thoughts. Too soon, the doors open again.
“Well good night. Have a nice weekend!” I say, suppressing a sigh as I put my hand on his arm in sort of a goodbye gesture.
“Thanks, see you on Monday.” His voice sounds a bit low, but I’m probably just projecting my own feelings onto him. I wish I would see him sooner than that.
My weekend is boring. I phone up Jase on Saturday afternoon for some ‘girl talk’ and hopefully some insight into the male psyche.
“Hey there, darling, what’s going on?” he asks.
“Oh, you know. Same old pretty much. You know I’ve been having so much trouble getting John to notice me, but it seems offering hot drinks and food has helped a bit.”
Jase laughs on the other end. “He’s a man! What did you expect? Some food, followed up by a revealing outfit. I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“Well that’s exactly the problem. God knows I’ve been trying to dress for success so to speak. But unfortunately it hasn’t had any effect on him, but in the meanwhile I’m having issues keeping my sleazy boss at arm’s length. It seems he’s under the impression I’m trying to send him the signals if you know what I mean.”
“OK, odd. So you’re definitely on the right track but John just isn’t paying attention. You sure he’s not gay?” he digs deeper.
“Well, I hear he had a girlfriend but they split up recently. So I’d say it’s unlikely,” I answer.
“Oh so that’s the issue then. The poor boy is heartbroken. Give him time. Or if you get impatient perhaps you’ll have to hit him over the head with a stack of papers before dragging him home with you. That’ll make him take notice,” Jase chuckles to himself.
“Yeah I guess you’re right. Well, anyway, I’m going to have a little think about what to do. At least I got him talking a little bit last week,” I say.
“Don’t worry, sooner or later he’ll come around. He’d be an idiot not to,” he reassures me.
“Thanks. Where would I be without you and your wonderful insights into the world of men?” I sigh.
“No problem, love. Hey, I gotta go out for a bit. Call me back later if you wanna talk some more,” he responds.
“Sure. Laters.” I hang up the phone.
I do feel a little better now. I just need to be more patient. Maybe John would like to just be friends, at least for
a while until he sorts himself out. Wonder what’s on TV…
V.
It’s the week of the Christmas bash and I’m no closer to asking John to be my date. You could say that I’m a bit conservative and would prefer the man to make the first move, but really I’m just scared. What if he says no?
After talking to Jason a few more times, I did decide to at least prepare for the best possible scenario and obtain an outfit for the night. It’s boring, going shopping on my own, but at least I had his expert advice only a phone call away. Sending him pictures of the various options on my mobile almost made me feel like he was with me, just like the good old days before he moved away.
I reach my desk at nine sharp and notice some paperwork I’d forgotten about in my hurry to leave on Friday. Shit, I was supposed to make copies. Quickly I dump my bag on the floor and gather up the documents together with the smart card John had given me for the copier.
I burst through the door leading into the copier room and hear a muffled voice.
“Fuck,” John swears under his breath, furiously trying to put something behind the spare paper. Our eyes meet and I can see the embarrassment written all over him. My gaze is drawn to the paper, but I can already guess what’s hidden behind there.
“Relax, I won’t tell,” I break the silence, “I just needed to copy these…” I show him the papers in my hand.
He still looks extremely guilty, caught in the act.
“Really. I don’t care. I mean I do care, but what you do is your business,” I add. “Plus, you already know how much I love talking to Richard. So you’re quite safe.”
John gives me a grateful look and comes towards me and the copier.
“Here, let me show you how to use this thing,” he says.
While he starts making the copies for me, I just stand there and watch. I wish he would talk about what’s bothering him. Surely that would help, rather than how he’s been handling it so far? But it’s too much to expect, I know that. We’re only barely past the ‘What’s your favourite band?’ stage.
We get back to our desks and sit down. I rummage around in my bag until I find what I’m looking for.
“Here, I don’t want you getting caught.” I hand him the packet of gum.
“Oh, thanks.” His eyes are fixated on the gum, frowning as though trying to think of something more to say. But nothing follows. I decide to ignore it.
All morning he is even more preoccupied than usual. And for that matter, so am I. After Friday’s quick getaway, I’m fully expecting Dick to make another attempt at whatever he was trying to do that evening.
“Say, have you seen Richard around today?” I ask John.
“Oh you didn’t know? He’s gone to some trade show, won’t be back until Friday evening.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Oh, good.”
This little exchange seems to have amused John. “Why don’t you just tell him you’ve got a boyfriend and you’re not interested?”
“I’m a terrible liar. About the boyfriend. Just telling him I wasn’t interested didn’t have much effect,” I respond.
One eyebrow raised, he shakes his head slowly while scrutinising me.
“What?”
“A girlfriend, then?” he continues.
“Nope. Just me for the past year or so,” I respond. This is my opening! “How about you?”
“Oh,” he hesitates, “not anymore.”
“I’m sorry.” I wonder if I can probe further. “What happened?”
I immediately regret asking, it’s bad enough everyone else found out thanks to Linda’s idiotic behaviour.
“Just didn’t work out.” He shrugs, there’s a blank look in his eyes.
“Yeah, I know that situation.” My poor attempt at showing solidarity hits a wall. Rightly so.
There is no more conversation until we say our goodbyes for the day.
Tuesday morning, and John is nowhere to be seen. Apparently he’s called in sick. I wonder if he’s feeling uneasy after I walked in on him yesterday in the copier room, or if it’s due to my attempted interrogation regarding his personal life. Maybe I’m reading too much into this; he could also just have a cold. It’s been doing the rounds in the office ever since the wintery weather has set in properly. There is plenty for me to do all day, now that I’m supposedly through my basic training.
Wednesday and Thursday pass in a similar fashion. I grow more worried though, wondering if John is OK. Whether he is indeed sick, or maybe just busy drinking himself into a black hole. Either way, it’s not a good thought.
So naturally I feel a huge sense of relief on Friday morning when I see him come in.
“Morning, John! Are you alright?” I greet him.
He is in quite a state, but it’s hard to tell whether it’s due to flu or if he’s just massively hung-over. He doesn’t say anything, just sits down.
I fetch us some tea and decide to wait and see, but there isn’t much change in him.
Suddenly he gets up and heads off to another door leading off from our office, the store room. I wait for a while, maybe he just went to get new pens or something. After ten minutes or so I can’t fight my impatience anymore and decide to check on him. For all I know he may still be unwell.
“John?” I call him softly, opening the door to the store room. No answer, but I see him standing completely still in the corner, staring at the wall. What is he doing in there?
I close the door behind me and move towards him.
“Are you alright?” I ask.
He looks at me; his eyes are red and watery. “Julie, she and my brother…” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. Julie, is that his ex? Oh dear, this can’t be good.
I put my hand on his arm. “Tell me what happened.”
“That fucking bastard…” His breathing is strained. He tries to compose himself before continuing.
“I decided to check in on my parents this week while I was off. My brother still lives at home with them…”
I take his hand and squeeze it gently, encouraging him to keep talking.
“They weren’t home but she was there, Cath. I saw her and Derek, in his room. Oh god.” His voice is a whisper as he tells me the story.
This makes it all so much worse; first the break-up phone call becoming public record, and now his ex deciding to move on to his brother.
“Shit, John. That sucks!” I blurt out.
“And the worst part is, I’m not even fucking surprised. But it still hurts!” He awkwardly looks down at my hand, still holding his. I wonder if he can feel my heartbeat racing through my skin.
I so badly want to hold him, kiss him, make all of this go away. But I have to remind myself not to be so bloody selfish. It would just make things more awkward. This isn’t about me and what I want and he’s obviously not over her.
“I know it probably doesn’t help much, but I know how you feel. It’s quite a shitty thing for them to do though. You deserve way better!” I tear a sheet of kitchen towel off a spare roll from the shelf next to me and hand it to him.
“It’ll be OK, you know. It won’t keep hurting like this forever.” I watch him as he takes the paper towel and wipes his face. “If you want to go home or something, I’ll cover for you. In any case, Richard isn’t in this morning.”
He shakes his head. “Thanks, but I’ve got work to do.”
We walk out of the store room one after the other. Luckily the office is very quiet this morning, we’re not observed.
Almost straight away we get started with our work, pretending nothing has happened. But I still can’t shake the urge to do something, to try and help. During lunchtime we fall into our usual routines. He’s off “copying”, while I get out the sandwich I brought with me and decide to eat at my desk.
Ill-advised though it may be, I tear a sheet off my notepad and start scribbling.
‘Any time you want to talk,’ I write, putting my phone number and address underneath.
I tuck it into
the front pocket of his bag, where I know he keeps his keys. Foolish, but I really had to do something. From all our previous conversations I gather that he doesn’t really socialise. Everyone needs someone to talk to, surely.
VI.
I’m half-asleep, nearly swallowed up by the massive sofa and no longer really registering the blue flicker of the TV, when I hear the doorbell. I glance at the clock-1 a.m. Who could be at the door at fucking 1 a.m.?
Getting up to check, I first smooth down my PJs as best I can but I know I look like I’ve just woken up. Well, tough, whoever it is will just have to deal with it if they’re going to come to my place this late.
I open the door slightly with the chain on, and catch a glimpse of John. I immediately close the door again to take off the chain, then open it wide to let him in. He looks troubled, andthe smell of booze hangs around him.
“What the fuck, Cath!” He’s slurring his words. “Why? Why do you toy with me?”
“Um, not sure what you’re talking about, John.” I step back, giving him space to enter.
He staggers into the kitchenette and leans on the counter, his head hanging low. What’s made him so upset at me?
“What do you mean, toy with you?” I ask.
“You know, acting all nice. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were dropping hints. You think you’re the first to do this? You think I’d fall for it? And then you leave me this…”
He shows me the crumpled up piece of paper in his hand. The note I’d left in his bag earlier that day. Oh shit.
“Fall for what?” I ask, while putting the palm of my hand against his arm. He flinches as soon as I touch him.
“This, what the fuck is this?” He gestures down at my hand, then looks at me. His expression is wild, angry, yet the anger does not extend to his eyes. “It might not be a big deal to you, just a gesture, but don’t you understand? This drives me crazy!”