by Susie Tate
‘My problem? My problem? That woman is the one with the problem. My God, your Great Aunt Agathias was more pleasant, and she only opened her mouth to spit at people near the end. At least that was entertaining. Pavlakis mou, please; she is a walking corpse.’
‘Mama!’
‘Ugh! Look at her. Designer clothes, looking down her nose at everyone. Does she ever smile?’
‘She’s shy. She has … anxiety.’
Mama’s eyebrows shot up and she blinked once. ‘That woman is not worried, she is cool as a bowl of tzatziki.’
‘You don’t know her, Mama,’ Pav said through gritted teeth. ‘Give her a chance.’
Mama rolled her eyes. ‘What was wrong with the last one? Now she knew how to have fun.’
‘Yes, Mama, she did know how to have fun. She had a lot of fun; some of it, I might add, was not with me.’
‘Okay, okay. So nobody’s perfect. At least she spoke. This one, all she does is stand there with a sour face.’
At that moment Pav felt a small hand touch his arm. To his horror Millie was standing right next to him, her face pale and the hand that was holding the champagne shaking very slightly.
He should have known when he picked Millie up that this was not going to end well. She’d opened her door to reveal an elegant outfit, totally at odds with his family’s vibe: her mask of make-up was secure and her hair was back in that bloody roll again. He didn’t say anything, thinking that she needed her armour to face a situation she found intimidating.
He should have said something.
As soon as his mama and sisters saw her when they arrived at the Greek restaurant hosting the engagement party, Pav knew they saw the wrong Millie. Then she had recoiled from his mama’s hug, her body held stiff with shock. And Pav couldn’t explain that Millie just wasn’t used to random hugs; that you had to work up to it with her. That when she was tense and worried about making a good impression she froze up. His sisters had just looked at each other in bewilderment, and his mama looked hurt. Millie had managed a stiff little hello to everyone, avoiding all eye contact, but since then she’d been more or less silent.
His uncle had welcomed her to his restaurant, doing the standard boast of how it was the best Greek food in London. Telling her that ‘Even the Greeks, they come here from Greece to eat my food.’ Millie had managed a non-committal hum, taken a sip of her drink and tried to smile. But the smile-attempt was by far the worst fake smile Pav had ever seen from her, and that was saying something. It was more of a grimace really.
‘I think I’m going to go home now,’ Millie whispered to his shirt collar. ‘I … I have a headache.’ Pav glared at his mother, who pressed her lips together before biting one of them and looking guilty.
‘No, don’t go yet,’ Mama said, moving forward and into Millie’s space. Millie drew back until Pav’s arm halted her retreat and he felt her stiffen. ‘I have cure for headache, passed from my mother’s mother to my mother, to me. I will get it. Wait, wait.’
‘Mama, I don’t think …’
‘Ah! Here it is.’ Mama withdrew a small pot of tiger balm from her handbag and unscrewed the lid. There was nothing his mama did not think Tiger Balm could treat. ‘I just need to …’
‘No,’ Millie said as Mama’s fingertip came up toward her temple. Then she twisted away from Pav and took a step back. Mama frowned and her hand slowly lowered back to her bag.
*****
Millie tried to get more words out, but the hurt look on Pav’s mama’s face froze her vocal cords. Why couldn’t I just be normal? For once: just this one time, why couldn’t I just fit in? she thought. But there were so many people packed into that small restaurant, and they all talked at her at the same time. They were all so colourful and warm and loud, just like Pav. The difference between them and her was jarring.
‘Talia, let the girl be.’ Millie turned to the soft voice of Leon Martakis, Pav’s father, the only person in the room who did not seem to have taken an instant dislike to her. After hug-gate with Talia Martakis at the start of the evening, Leon hadn’t attempted physical contact other than to touch her arm for a moment as he told her softly that she was welcome. Unlike his family, he seemed to be a quiet, watchful man. ‘Not everyone uses Tiger Balm as a cure-all – in fact you may be the only one.’
Talia sniffed and gave a jerky nod. ‘Of course,’ she said as she shoved the little pot back in her bag.
‘I … I’m sorry … I …’ Millie couldn’t think of a single explanation that wouldn’t make her look even more weird or rude.
Talia waved dismissively and plastered a fake smile on her face. ‘Don’t worry. Eat, eat. I … I have to sort the cake.’ She turned and bustled away. Leon gave an apologetic smile before he followed after her.
‘I’ve got to go,’ Millie said once they were out of earshot.
‘Look, calm down a minute,’ Pav told her, his large hands coming up to steady her upper arms. ‘You just need to relax and –’
‘I’m sorry. I can’t do this. All these people … you have so much family.’
‘You were okay in the bar the other night and then the pub with me,’ he said, a hint of impatience creeping into his voice. ‘Why can’t you think of it like that?’
Millie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. ‘That was different. I didn’t have to make a good impression on anyone at the bar, and I was with just you at the pub. You don’t understand how this works … how I work.’
Pav sighed and lifted one of his hands off her arm to run it through his thick hair.
‘Maybe this was a bad idea,’ he muttered. Millie felt the strange combination of bitter disappointment that she’d let him down and relief that he knew this was a step too far for her. ‘Okay, look, I’ve just got to tell Mama I’m leaving, then –’
‘No,’ Millie shot out, ‘please, no. You stay.’
‘Millie, I’m not leaving without you. I brought you here. I’m taking you home.’
The irritation and impatience was clear in his voice now, and she felt her heart sink into her stupid designer shoes. But she knew him well enough after these last few weeks to see the stubborn set of his jaw as a sign that he wasn’t backing down. So she sighed and gave a quick nod.
‘Wait here,’ he said. ‘I’ll just be a minute.’
Once Pav was pushing back through the crowd and Millie was on her own, she noticed the people around her staring. There was nowhere she could look without catching someone’s eye. The worst thing was that they all gave her encouraging smiles, which she did a poor job of returning. She edged along the bar until she was at the back wall, and then slipped through the exit into the deserted corridor.
Finally alone, she leaned back against the wall and let out a long breath, her head falling back onto the plasterboard with a soft thump. After a few seconds she heard a loud sniff and her eyes flew open. She scanned the empty corridor for a long minute before movement in the coat rack caught her eye. There were two large racks of coats pushed up against the wall. And some of the coats on one of them were shaking slightly. Millie’s head tilted to the side as she approached them. Another muffled sniff came from their direction and she narrowed her eyes. Before she knew what she was doing, she’d pushed her hands into the coats to part them, and was confronted by a tear-stained woman sitting on the floor behind.
‘Uh … hi,’ Millie muttered, too shocked for her vocal cords to seize up. She recognised the woman as the bride to be: Pav’s sister, Allegra.
‘Hi,’ Allegra muttered miserably, and Millie wondered what she should do. If it were her sitting there she would want the coats drawn back and to be left in peace. But should a tearful nearly-newlywed be left alone to cry it out? As a compromise Millie pushed through the coats herself, sat next to Allegra and pulled them back into place behind her. They sat in silence for a few seconds. Millie thought about asking Allegra if she was okay, but as the answer to that was obvious she decided against it.
‘You’re Pav’s girlfriend,’
Allegra said in a shaky voice.
‘Uh … not really,’ Millie admitted. It wasn’t as though she and Pav had formalised their relationship. And, having never had a boyfriend, Millie didn’t really feel qualified to answer. In any case Allegra seemed to be grappling with bigger problems than the official status of Millie and Pav’s relationship.
‘I … I …’ she gasped, her chest rising and falling rapidly, ‘I can’t … breath. I feel sick.’ Millie turned to face her and watched the colour drain out her face as panic washed over her features. Her breathing was getting faster and faster, her eyes looking a little wild.
‘You’re having a panic attack,’ she told her.
‘But … I feel like I’m … like I’m dying.’
‘You’re hyperventilating. Your alveolar ventilation is excessive and too much carbon dioxide is being removed from your blood. This causes hypocapnia, and a respiratory alkalosis, which produces certain symptoms: dizziness, tingling in the hands and feet, sometimes even loss of consciousness.’
‘You … you’re a bit weird,’ Allegra managed to get out.
‘Yes,’ Millie told her. ‘But … I’m also right. So, slow your breathing down. Not deep breaths, just slower. And use this.’ Millie dug into her purse and pulled out the paper bag she kept in there for emergencies. ‘Create a seal around your mouth and breath into it, slowly.’
After a minute with the paper bag Allegra’s breathing steadied to a normal pace and the panic left her eyes. Millie slowly reached up and took the bag away.
‘Woah,’ Allegra said in a hoarse voice. ‘That was insane. I’ve never felt like that before.’
‘Panic attacks are not fun,’ Millie told her, stashing the bag away.
‘How’d you know so much about them? Are you a doc like Pav?’
‘Yes, but I knew how to deal with a panic attack way before I studied medicine. I have them all the time.’
‘You do? Well that … sucks.’
‘Yes.’ Millie sat back against the wall alongside her new companion. They sat together for another minute.
‘Aren’t you going to ask me what I’m panicking about?’ Allegra eventually asked. ‘Actually, don’t worry. You’ll think I’m being silly.’
‘I once had a full-blown panic attack over a Pot Noodle. I can’t think of a sillier reason than that. Didn’t make it any more fun though.’
‘Uh …’ Allegra let out a snort of laughter. ‘Sorry, sorry,’ she rushed to say after, ‘it’s just I’ve always thought Pot Noodles were fairly unthreatening foodstuffs.’
Millie smiled, the relief of being shielded from the party making her facial muscles loosen up again. ‘I read the ingredients. It contains monosodium glutamate, which can poison the nervous system. I was convinced my nerves were de-myelinating. They weren’t.’
‘Christ, that’s the last time I eat one of those buggers.’
‘Oh no, my reaction was out of proportion. There are studies that …’ Millie blew out a breath of air. ‘Sorry, you don’t want a run down of all the studies. I find it hard to stop myself sometimes.’
‘You’re pretty unique, aren’t you?’ said Allegra through a smile.
‘If by unique you mean strange, then yes, you’d be right.’
‘I like it.’
‘Uh … thanks?’
‘You’re not my brother’s normal type.’
Millie’s smile died and she focused on her hands in her lap. ‘I know,’ she whispered.
‘That’s not a bad thing,’ Allegra rushed to say. ‘If you’d met some of the other birds he’s brought home …’ She trailed off and sucked in a breath through her teeth. ‘Let’s just say, it’s good you’re a bit … different.’
‘I don’t think your mother thinks that,’ Millie said, swallowing the sudden lump in her throat.
‘Oh!’ Allegra said, clearly surprised that the unfailingly friendly Talia could have taken a dislike to anyone. ‘I mean … sorry. She’s usually –’
Millie waved her hand as if to dismiss it. ‘Don’t worry. Pav already told me she loves everyone. I’m a special case. I … I’m not good with people. My panic attacks can be like yours just was, or they can be more of a sustained anxiety reaction which makes it really tricky for me to speak or smile or … well, it makes me seem … cold.’
‘What a pain in the arse for you.’
Millie sighed. ‘Yes, it is.’
They sat in silence for another minute. Millie began to wonder if she should climb out of the coats in case Pav was looking for her.
‘I’m pregnant,’ Allegra said out of the blue.
‘Uh … okay,’ replied Millie, not quite knowing what to say in this circumstance.
Allegra let out a stuttering breath and handed Millie back the paper bag.
‘I found out yesterday and … ’ She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. ‘My sisters’ weddings were perfect. Everything just how Mama wanted, and now I’m –’ she sniffed as a lone tear tracked down her cheek ‘– I’m going to be a huge blimp on my wedding day. And we won’t be able to afford all the John Lewis nursery furniture I’ve had on Pinterest since I got engaged, not with all the money we’re ploughing into the wedding.
‘But Mama’s excited. She’s over the bloody moon. Already picking out baby stuff, taking over. She doesn’t understand why I’m upset.’ Allegra huffed and leaned back against the wall. ‘My family can be suffocating. All this fuss. We’re not even at the wedding yet and still everything is so … so much.’
Millie shrugged. ‘They love you. Your happiness will be important to them. Tell them what you want your wedding to be like.’
‘Is your family like this?’
‘No.’
‘Must be nice.’
Millie forced herself to look up into Allegra’s eyes; she needed to maintain eye contact when she imparted this next piece of information. ‘My … parents are about as far from your family as you can get, and I promise you it is not nice. Not even close.’
‘Right,’ Allegra whispered, her eyes going soft as she scanned Millie’s face. Millie looked away quickly and started pushing to her feet. She’d given away far too much, but nobody who was surrounded by as much love as Allegra should ever resent it or the family giving it. That was a waste. Allegra stood with Millie and caught her hand.
‘My mascara okay?’
Millie took in the racoon eyes and shook her head. ‘Wait a minute.’ Within seconds she’d extracted cleansing wipes with which she took away the black marks; powder foundation, which she swept over Allegra’s face; liquid eye shadow that she blended over her lids in seconds; and mascara that she applied with even strokes. Allegra looked at herself in Millie’s hand-held mirror.
‘Bloody hell! You’re like some sort of make-up ninja. This is insane. I look better than when I arrived. Thanks so much.’
‘Um …’ Millie trailed off as she bit her lip, stuffing the rescue kit she never left the house with into her clutch.
‘Hey.’ Allegra took her by the shoulders and turned her so they were face to face. ‘Don’t worry about the fam, okay? They’ll come around.’
Millie nodded, but whilst Allegra seemed to like her she doubted there would be any coat-hiding, talking-them-down-from-a-panic-attack opportunities with the rest of Pav’s family members in the near future. She heard Pav’s irritated tone in her head again and suppressed a grimace. There were unlikely to be any more opportunities for his family to ‘come around’ anyway. Who wanted to be dragging a killjoy like her to parties like this?
‘But why do you have to go now? You’re always the last to leave. Your sister is getting married. Why would you break her heart this way?’
Allegra rolled her eyes at her mother’s voice, which had now filled the corridor.
‘Mama,’ Pav’s voice cut through the air, loaded with exasperation, ‘I have three sisters. This is Allegra’s second engagement party. She’s having a rehearsal dinner in a month. I haven’t seen her most of the night. I don’t think I’l
l break her heart by leaving.’
‘If it wasn’t for that woman you wouldn’t even –’
Much to Millie’s horror Allegra chose that moment to plunge through the coats, dragging Millie behind her.
‘Mama. Shut up,’ Allegra hissed as she emerged on the other side. She brushed off her skirt and put one hand on her hip, as if springing out at people from behind coat racks was perfectly normal behaviour. Millie’s wide eyes flew to Pav, who was frowning first at his sister and then at her.
‘What the hell?’ he muttered, taking a step towards her. ‘Hey, you okay?’
Millie was stressed, a little shocked, embarrassed, and her hair was mussed by the coats. And that was why she jerked away so violently that she stumbled back a step when Pav went to take her hand. He froze for a moment before his face went from a soft to a hurt expression. Talia’s eyebrows had shot up and her lips were pursed. Millie was guessing that outright flinching away from her son’s touch had not endeared her to his mother any more than before.
‘I’ve got to go,’ she whispered before spinning on her heel and practically running out of the door.
She heard Allegra say, ‘Mama, listen,’ just before the door slammed behind her at the same time as she heard Talia mutter something in Greek which was not very nice at all. Millie wished she hadn’t been bored enough whilst she was doing her Chemistry degree to learn the classics. She wished she didn’t understand. (But when you were fourteen, at university and had no friends, boredom was pretty much guaranteed)
As she jogged down the street in her heels it occurred to her that maybe this was better. This way Pav could see her limits in a real way. He could see how integrating someone like her into his life would have an impact on everything, not least his family.
Chapter 19
At least try to be normal