by Kara Hart
Josie stands up and looks my dad in the eyes. She then looks back at me, unsure what to do. I avert my gaze and stare straight at my wall. “I fucked up,” she suddenly says. Still, I don’t look at her. No apologizing can help this situation. I’ll always have to look back at this time and wonder how it could have all gone down if we all just behaved a bit more normal.
“Excuse me?” my dad says.
“I didn’t tell you the whole truth,” she says. “I… withheld information.”
“What?” I laugh.
Josie opens her eyes wide at me. “Stop it, Olivia. You know what I’ve done,” she says. “I’ve held our grudge for too long.”
“What grudge?” my mom asks.
“She slept with my boyfriend. It was exactly a year ago,” Josie says. I shut my eyes tight, as if that’ll squeeze the world out from under me. When I open my eyes again, everyone is still there. Insanity. Total insanity. Everyone has lost their minds at this point.
“Is this true?” my mom asks me. “Olivia? Answer me.”
“Mom, it’s none of your business,” I say, exhausted.
“I wanted to get revenge on her. I used her new boyfriend as a scapegoat,” she says. “She was never going to get married.”
“I can’t believe this,” my dad says, turning his back on us. “Why wouldn’t she just deny it in the first place if it wasn’t real?”
“Shame,” Josie says.
“Shame?” I ask her.
Josie quickly talks over me, saying, “She couldn’t bear the guilt and the shame that this brought her. She probably didn’t want to tell her parents the whole story. Who would?” she asks. My mom looks at me with empathetic eyes.
“I am exhausted,” I admit. “This whole thing, not to mention finals and everything that comes with school, has exhausted me. I just want some peace and quiet. There was no marriage. There is no fiancé. And most likely now, there is no boyfriend. There. Is everyone happy?”
“I... I…” my dad stammers.
“Scott, I think we need to just go and let everyone decompress,” my mom says, wiping her eyes, stressed.
“I want to meet this man,” my dad says. “If you’re serious with someone, we want to get to know him.”
“Guys, I don’t know what the hell is going on with all of that right now. I’ll let you know,” I say, annoyed.
“He’s a really good guy,” Josie interjects.
I groan loudly. “Yep. Goodbye!”
My parents shuffle out. “Call us,” my mom says.
“I will,” I whisper. I close the door and turn around to face Josie. She has a joint out and she’s trying to give it to me. “No thanks,” I say.
“Come on. Can’t we repair things?” she asks.
“I don’t think I’m going to repair things with anyone. I think I’m just going to move away and be a shut in spinster for the rest of my life. I can buy a few cats and live a meager lifestyle,” I tell her. “This week truly has been hell.”
“Look, I know I went a little overboard by bringing your parents into this, but you have to look at it from my perspective. You were going kind of crazy,” she says. “And I wanted my friend back. I didn’t want you to run off and get married with some stranger.”
“He’s not a stranger, but yeah. I get it. For a split second, I thought I was actually going to go through with it. In the end, I only went because I needed to see what kind of a man he really was,” I tell her.
“So what happened exactly? He called it off?” she asks.
“He gave his vows. He told me he fucked up. I don’t know. It’s a lot to describe. He said he wasn’t going to take the house. He told his dad off,” I say. “And then I told them I had to leave.”
“Oh my god,” she laughs. “He told his dad off?”
“I don’t know. It’s not that funny,” I say, with sincerity. “James’s mom is terminally ill. She’s basically on life support. His family is going through a lot of shit and I think his father has sort of lost it.”
“Meanwhile, James has to pick up the pieces?” she asks.
I nod and bite my lip. “Yeah, I guess that’s it,” I say. “He’s just trying to be strong for everyone. He wanted the house for memory’s sake. He grew up there. Maybe he was just trying to do good by his dad. I don’t know. I just wish all of this would just stop.”
“Yeah,” Josie whispers. “Are you still…”
“Still what?” I ask.
“In love with him?” Her eyes bounce from left to right, stabilizing in the center of my face.
I shrug and smile, then frown. “I don’t know!” I snarl. “I mean, yeah. On one hand, he’s been a real idiot. A douche. On the other, he’s James. He’s this loveable, hardworking, and humble guy. He’s strong and devoted. He’s sexy and the best kisser I’ve ever been with. There’s a lot to love about him. I’m just hurt and I don’t know how to get over it.”
“People do hurt each other in relationships,” she says. “I’m one to talk. I’ve cheated on most guys.”
We both laugh. “I guess,” I say.
“You want any of my two cents?” she asks.
“I don’t know. Should I take it?” I laugh.
“I guess I haven’t been the best friend you could have asked for,” she says.
“It’s fine. I’ll take it with a grain of salt. I need some words from someone I’m close to,” I say.
She blushes and looks down. “Whenever I saw you and James together, it felt like you two were made for each other. I saw the way you looked at him, but I that’s not what led me to my conclusion,” she says.
“Oh yeah? Then what was it? The way I touched him?” I laugh.
“No,” she says, without any laughter to accompany me. “It was the way he looked at you. I could just tell that you were something special to him. I’ve never had a man look at me like that. When I saw you two together, I felt jealous, like you had the best thing in the world. You had what every woman wants.”
“I had,” I say.
“So he fucked up. So what? In the grand scheme of things, is it really that big of a deal? How many other men will fuck up harder and worse than that? How many times have I, your best friend, fucked up in worse ways? He’s trying his best. You even said so. And the fact that he’s trying to make everything better tells me that he’s still deeply in love with you,” she says. “He’ll do anything for you, Olivia. You’re lucky.”
“I guess I am,” I say. I close my eyes and see him here, next to me. I remember every moment with him. The first moment we met, the first time we slept together. He was always there for me. He always took care of me. I remember how he feels when he holds me close and kisses the top of my head. I remember the way he looked at me. I could never forget that.
Yet, I still don’t know. I still can’t figure out what to do. All I can do is rest easy and hope the answers will come to me.
“You are,” she says. “You’re lucky.”
I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Yet, he still hasn’t even texted me.
James
All three of us stand with Neil, the Chief Surgeon. The group is looking at my mother, trying to figure out how to deal with all of this, and how to let go. “You just let me know when you’re ready,” he says to me. “Take as much time as you need. I don’t have anything to do today.”
“Thanks man,” I say. He grabs my hand and pulls me in for a man-hug. Emotions are high in this room. I wish I could provide solace for everyone. I can’t stand when I can’t offer people close to me some relief. No matter what I do or say, I can’t change the outcome of this. I’m completely powerless.
I guess that’s what I’m learning through all of this. It’s sort of like what my father told me yesterday. You can’t go on pretending you’re a hero forever. You can do what you can, but when the time comes for nature to act, it’ll act in defiance of you, and you’ll have to stand down.
“Dad,” Jenna says, “I think you should say something. I think we should all say somethi
ng.”
My dad nods with sadness and silent understanding. He looks over at me and straightens up his body. He then walks over to my mother, sits down and takes her hand. “Nancy,” he whispers. “My sweet Nancy.”
The silent hum of the air conditioning rolls through the room. I stare at my mother and can only hope that she can now feel some sort of relief from the pain of life.
“You were my one and only. You gave me everything. Everything. Two loving children. A boy and a girl. A wonderful home. You grounded me in a way I never expected,” he says. He wipes a single tear from his eye. “There were no bad times, only good. I thought that I could hold onto you forever, somehow. When we were young, I thought we had all the time in the world. But time is a damned thing. It speeds up and slows down. It never makes itself known. Now we’re at the end of the road and I’m left wondering how it went this fast. Goodbye Nancy. Stay with me as best you can. Find me and I’ll find you. Forever and always.”
“Dammit Dad,” my sister cries. “That was the sweetest thing that I’ve ever heard you say.”
“Come here, you two,” he says. “Come visit your mother one last time.”
The words cut deep. They sink like stones, falling to the bottom of that dark sea. When the waves build, you know they’ll rise. Higher and higher, they pull you under. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I don’t know what it is, but I take out my phone and text Olivia. I just tell her “I miss you.” I lock my phone and sit down with my family. This is life. It’s as beautiful as it is painful.
“We love you, Mom,” I say. There are not many other words I can give. I’ve been in this room nearly every day since she was admitted to this hospital. I’ve said my share. She knows the impact she made. Now it’s time for her to soar.
“Thank you,” Jenna says to her. “Thank you for everything.”
All three of us hold each other’s hands. We squeeze tight and kiss her lightly. We say our goodbyes. Then we stand up and try to remain strong. I look at Neil. He’s waiting on my call. I’ve made this type of judgment for so many families before, but now I have to do it for my own.
He knows what to do. I nod. “It’s okay, man,” I say. “We’re ready.”
They don’t wait inside the room to see what’s next, but I do. I have to see her through this. She needs someone by her side. I hold her hand and feel her squeeze back. I swear on everything, when she passes, the whole room’s light system goes haywire. It only happens for one second. But I notice it. Everything shines on.
I walk back outside and grit my teeth. The only path is the path forward. I look at my phone. Olivia hasn’t texted me back and all I want to do is hold her in my arms. I want to tell her that life can be easier, simpler as time goes by. I want to kiss her and make sure she knows that everything will be okay if she can just give me a second chance.
But there’s none of that right now. It’s just me, and the harsh reality that everyone around me is feeling. “We’ll need to figure out the funeral arrangements,” my dad whispers.
“Yeah,” I say. “I can talk to some people. I know some good places.”
My dad nods. My sister walks up to me and grabs my shoulder. “Thank you for everything, brother,” she says. “You’ve been so strong for us the whole damn time. I don’t even know how you do it.”
“I don’t know either,” I laugh. My dad walks over to the coffee machine to pour himself another cup. “So, Jenna…”
“Yeah?” she asks.
“You got that joint for me, or what?” I laugh.
“Seriously?” she asks.
I shrug. “I’ve got five minutes. What do I have to lose?”
She looks over her shoulders like a kid who’s about to do something bad. I laugh and wave her over to the hallway. “Be right back, Dad,” I say.
I know the situation is tough and terrible. I know it’s heartbreaking. But the only way to push past it all is to relive moments together, to feel like we’re still a family.
I unlock my office and shut the door. I open the window and sit down. “Here?” Jenna laughs.
I grab an ashtray. “Hell yeah. Neil’s not going to say anything about it. I think we need this. Mom would have laughed, at least,” I say.
She bites her lip and nods. “Yeah. She would have. She would have told us we were stupid too,” she says.
“Well, we are pretty stupid,” I reply.
“True.” She chuckles lightly and grabs something from her purse. She brings it out and lights the end. The paper burns slow and smooth until it hits the filling. She takes a long drag and releases, smoke billowing up and all around us.
“Shit,” she coughs. “This is… strong.”
“Good,” I say. “I haven’t smoked since high school. Can you believe it?”
“Yeah, I can actually. You were too good in college. Always showing me up and getting insane grades. Here I was, smoking all of the time. Had to drop out eventually,” she says.
I take the joint from her fingers. I take a small puff and release. Euphoria builds inside of me. I close my eyes. “You’re killing it, Jenna. Honestly. You’ve done everything your own way. It’s a good thing. Your family is lucky as hell,” I say. “Shit, I’m lucky I have you as a sister. Seriously.”
“Me too, James,” she says. “Hey, did Olivia ever get back to you? Is everything okay with that?”
“I wish I knew,” I say. “She won’t really return any of my texts. I don’t want to call and press the issue either, though. Who knows? It’s probably all hopeless. Maybe I don’t need anyone after all.”
“Stop that. She was the one. I know it. The way you looked at her was like… something else. You know? She knows how you feel about her. She’s younger. She just needs time,” she says.
“Don’t make me feel like I’m an old man.” I take another puff and hand it back to her. My eyelids droop and feel like heavy, damp curtains. My hair feels like sticks of dry grass. My lips and tongue feel like dry sand.
“We’re getting there!” she exclaims.
“Okay, I think I need to stop on this.” I hand the joint back to her and start cracking up. “Life is amazing, isn’t it? Thank you, mother. We love you.”
We’re quiet for a moment, nodding in salute to her. “If Olivia doesn’t contact you before the funeral, you should just go to her house. I think you both need to talk this through. Don’t worry so much about it, okay?”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I say. I get up from my desk and open the door.
Another hallway to walk into. I always think of her. No matter what, I’ll never forget her.
Olivia
I didn’t text him back. I sat in my room for days, just thinking about everything. I was trying to figure out what I really wanted in life. What are my plans? Where do I see myself in five years? Ten? I thought it about it all so much.
The truth is I thought I wanted to be free. I thought I wanted to be able to run away at a moment’s notice. But the reality of that is grimmer than expected. It means living a colder life, without that special someone by your side.
I am not disposable. I am not someone’s fake wife, or fake lover. I want to be someone’s somebody. I want to feel like I’m his treasure. Can he give me that? Will he always be able to give me that?
I’m still young, even though I sometimes feel older than I really am. It’s hard to know exactly where I’ll end up and when. As the days slip away, I still can’t stop myself from thinking about him. I leave my house and go on walks. I try to find the beauty in everything banal and normal.
I go to the bar by myself. Men walk up to me and ask if I want a drink, but I don’t want their company. When I look up at them, I see empty shells, trying their best to find something meaningful in a random encounter.
James didn’t take my innocence from me. He cradled me in his arms. He protected me. He promised me so much more. That’s the difference between these men and him. He’s the real deal, the full package. He’s successful, hand
some, completely ripped, and he was mine. Keyword being was.
The last text I received from him was heartbreaking. It popped up on my phone after I went to sleep. I just missed it. It read: “Maybe I understand you now. I was the introduction to so much more. Maybe someday we’ll meet again, but I’m probably wrong. You’ll move away, find success elsewhere, and you’ll forget about me. You’ll think I forgot about you. But I won’t forget. I can’t forget. Forgetting you would be like forgetting what planet I’m on.” And then, later, he sent: “Mom passed the other day. The family is going through a lot. I’m not trying to put anything on you. I just wish you were near me. Whatever you decide, even if it is to cut me out completely, I’ll always love you, Olivia.”
Now, in this bar, I sit reading those texts, over and over again. My eyes skim the words like they’re a long-lost love letter. He always knew how to talk to me. He was always aware of how I felt. We joked a lot, we had a lot of sass between us, but there was a common bond.
I’m not ignoring him. It’s just that there was so much going on in my life that I decided I needed a break from everyone and everything. I had to cut all of the noise out. If I didn’t, I would have never figured out what I wanted out of this.
If I didn’t filter through the silence, I would have never discovered that I still love him, completely. I would have never forgiven him.
I kick the chair back and stand on my feet. “Keep the change,” I tell the bartender. I walk out of the bar and feel the warm summer breeze hit my face, just like it always did when I was out with him at night. I close my eyes and feel him close to me. It’s foolish not to keep him near me. He messed up, but I know he’d do anything for me. He’d even let me go if I needed him to, the bastard.
He’s smug. He’s charming. He’s one in a million. And I’m the bride of his dreams that he never got to have. But I’m coming back for him. This needs to be mended. And all good things repair with time.
James
The whole funeral is a mess. People are hysterical, running around to the nearest drink station, crying their eyes out. It’s not what mom would have wanted. She was a purist, in the most natural sense. She would have wanted me to take her ashes to the shore with Jenna. But Dad is a traditionalist. He’s got his set ways and I guess a person has to have a big blow out funeral, right?