Had God forgiven her sins? Wasn’t she asking for too much by even thinking about a life with a man as kind and loving as Shane? In spite of all the Lord had done for her, she still found it hard to accept the goodness in life. So many times she had been sure she’d found someone to make her happy, only to discover that so-called love was nothing more than an alcohol-induced illusion. Trusting her own judgment was sometimes hard. Trusting these new emotions was even harder. Was it love?
As if answering her unspoken question, the minister’s words penetrated her mind. “Lindsey and Brian, I know that as a couple you are both in love with one another, but as wonderful as this feels, it is not a perfect love. With God’s blessing, you will grow in loving and grow in spirit by loving one another.
“Love is patient. Love is kind. It is never jealous. Love does not brag. It is not arrogant. Love takes hard work. Sometimes love means you will have to suffer. But it is only through suffering that we discover our true strength. I pray that your relationship grows stronger, deeper and more beautiful as you face life’s hardships and joys together until you find at last the true ‘perfect love’ with our Father in heaven.”
Annie felt Shane take her hand. Meeting his gaze, she basked in the warmth of his smile. Love was patient. Love was kind. Patient and kind were exactly the words she would use to describe Shane, along with handsome and funny and more than a little determined. If she put her heart in his hands, he would treat it with tenderness and care. Brave or not, foolish or not, she would give herself one last chance at happiness.
When the ceremony came to an end, Annie and Shane followed the newlyweds and the crowd to the reception in a nearby hall. Surrounded by people she didn’t know and unable to hide her condition, Annie had expected to feel awkward and out of place, but she soon discovered that Shane’s friends were open and accepting. Keeping her hand tucked firmly against his side, Shane moved from group to group introducing her, regaling her with stories about the men he served with and making her feel at ease.
When the bride and groom approached, Shane pulled Annie close and slipped his arm around her waist.
Nestled against his waist, Annie struggled to contain the joy leaping like a fountain in her chest. She smiled at the bride. “The ceremony was beautiful and you look lovely.”
“Thank you. I’m so glad you could come today, Annie. Shane has told us so much about you.”
“Has he?” Slanting a glance up at him, Annie thought she detected a faint blush creeping up his cheeks.
“I might have mentioned you a time or two,” he admitted. “It was all good.”
“I doubt that.”
“Okay, it was mostly good. I can’t help it that you’re stubborn and contrary, as well as gorgeous.”
“The gorgeous part was a good touch. Keep that up and I’ll have to start liking you.”
“So flattery is all it takes to get on your good side? I wish I had known that sooner.”
“What makes you think you’re on my good side?”
Lindsey laughed. “I see you are a woman after my own heart. Keep him in line, dear. Please excuse us. I believe it’s time for us to cut the cake. Come on, Brian, your surgical skill with a knife will come in handy with this.”
As they walked away, Shane grinned at Annie. “Are you having a good time?”
Happier than she could remember being in a long time, she smiled at him and nodded. “I am. Thank you for bringing me.”
Shane battled the urge to kiss Annie there in front of everyone. He knew it would embarrass her, but the sight of her sweet lips parted in a smile just for him was almost too much to bear. Suddenly her eyes widened and she pressed a hand to her stomach.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” he asked in concern.
“Nothing’s wrong. Someone is just kicking me.”
“Really? May I feel it?”
“You can try. It’s very faint.” Taking his hand, she pressed it against her belly.
Shane thought he detected the tiniest tap beneath his palm, but he couldn’t be sure.
“Wow, did you feel that?” Annie asked.
His son or daughter had kicked his hand! There was a real baby, his baby, nestled under the heart of this beautiful and brave woman.
A sense of profound wonder and delight poured into his heart, followed quickly by gut-wrenching panic. With painful certainty, Shane realized he had absolutely no idea how to be a father.
God, I know You and I are just getting acquainted, but You’ve got to help me. Please don’t let me mess this up.
“Yeah, I felt it,” he admitted weakly.
She frowned. “Are you okay?”
He met her worried eyes. “I’ve been talking about having a son or a daughter for weeks, but until this minute it wasn’t real.”
Another faint thump-thump fluttered against his fingers, causing a slow grin to spread across his face. “That’s some kid we’ve got there. Does he do this all the time?”
“She does it a few dozen times a day.”
“It feels so weird.”
“You’re telling me. You should feel it from the inside.”
“It must be a boy. With that kind of kick, he’s sure to be a soccer forward.”
“Girls play soccer, too.”
“My little girl is going to play house with her dolls and have tea parties. She isn’t going to be a jock.”
“I know your detachment reenacts things from a bygone era, but you are going to have to come back to the present, buddy. Girls can play house and soccer.”
“All kidding aside, Annie, it doesn’t make a bit of difference to me if it’s a boy or a girl. I just want the two of you to be healthy.”
“We are. Don’t worry.”
Reaching out, he brushed back a strand of her hair and let his hand cup her cheek. “That’s the funny part—I can’t help but worry. You have become very important to me, Annie.”
She covered his hand with her own. “I feel the same way about you.”
“You do?”
Grinning, she said, “Don’t sound so surprised.”
“I’m not—I mean, I’d hoped, but I wasn’t sure.”
“I wasn’t sure myself until today.”
“I hope you know how special you are and how happy I am whenever we’re together. You’ve changed my life in so many ways. I want to spend every minute I can with you, Annie. I think we have something good going on.”
“Really?” The shy uncertainty in her tone touched his heart.
“Really.”
Looking down, she said, “Because of the baby.”
With one finger beneath her chin, he lifted her face until she met his eyes. “Not because of the baby.”
His transfer back to the First Infantry Division and his deployment to Germany loomed like a dark cloud over his delight in knowing Annie returned his feelings. There was so little time left for them to be together.
“Look, the color guard is leaving again early Tuesday morning, and we’ll be gone another week. Maybe we could spend the day together tomorrow?”
Her smile faded. “I’d love to, but I have to work.”
“Okay, what about Monday? I could get away for a few hours in the afternoon, but I’d have to be back at four. It’s my turn to have the duty.”
“I work until one. After that, I have a doctor’s visit scheduled at two o’clock.”
He tried not to sound disappointed. “Then we’ll make time after I get back from our tour in Missouri.”
Annie bit her bottom lip, then raised her chin. “If you want, you could come with me to my doctor’s appointment and maybe stay for the sonogram. That way we could both see our soccer player’s first photos.”
“Do you mean it? Of course I’ll come with you.”
“You will?”
“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.” Shane knew he was grinning like a fool, but he couldn’t help it.
“I’ll have to take your word for that since you’re the horse-and-mule expert.�
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Someday he would tell her how much he adored the twinkle in her eyes when she teased him. He needed a distraction—fast—or he was going to have to kiss her.
As if she were reading his thoughts, she took a step to his side. “I think they’ve finished cutting the cake.”
“Are you hungry?”
“I’m five months pregnant. I’m always hungry.”
“Then I’ll go get some for both of us.”
“Don’t forget the mints,” she called after him.
Shane headed toward the linen-draped side table where several women were dishing up slices of white wedding cake onto clear plastic dishes. After requesting an extra-large slice and extra mints for one of his plates, Shane turned around to see Annie engaged in animated conversation with another young woman who was also obviously pregnant.
He stood for a moment, drinking in the sight of her. He loved the way she touched the roundness of her stomach with such tenderness. He loved the way she smiled at him from across the room. God had given him Annie and a child. He couldn’t imagine feeling happier.
Two days after the wedding, Annie lay on the hard exam table at the clinic with only her bulging tummy exposed for her first sonogram. She was more excited than worried. After all, the baby was moving all the time now and Dr. Merrick had assured Annie that this was merely a precaution. The speckled ceiling tiles overhead were decorated with several colorful posters of babies sleeping in giant flowers. They were cute, but Annie was much more interested in the small black-and-white image wavering on the sonogram screen.
Shane, looking nervous, sat by Annie’s side and held her hand.
The sonogram technician, dressed in pink scrubs with blue baby footprints scattered across her top, chatted constantly as she readied her equipment. “My name is Becky and I’m going to be doing your sono. Is this your first child?”
“Yes,” Shane answered before Annie could, then sent her a sheepish grin. It was clear he was excited about the prospect of seeing his son or daughter on the machine’s small screen.
“It’s my first pregnancy, too,” Annie replied, giving his hand a squeeze.
“All right, I’m going to put some gel on your stomach and it’s going to be cold,” Becky warned.
Cold and icky, Annie would have said. Static crackled as the wand made contact with Annie’s skin.
“How far along are you?” Becky asked, typing on the keyboard of the machine.
“I’ll be exactly twenty-one weeks tomorrow.”
Becky arched an eyebrow as she looked at Annie. “You sound positive about that.”
“We are,” Annie and Shane said simultaneously, then grinned at each other.
“What are we looking at?” Shane asked.
“The lunar landing?” Annie suggested, turning her head slightly. She certainly couldn’t make a baby out of the streaky image. Suddenly a rapid, faint knocking sound came out of the speakers.
“Is that her heartbeat?” The awe in Shane’s tone made Annie’s heart turn over. His grip on her hand tightened.
“Yes, it is,” Becky said.
“Why is it so fast?” he asked.
“Babies normally have a heart rate of one-twenty to one-sixty beats a minute. Girls run slightly higher than boys. Your little one has a pulse of about one-eighty. That’s a little fast, but maybe he or she is just excited to be on TV.”
Annie lifted her head to see the screen better. “Does that mean it’s a girl?”
“We’ll get to that question in a few minutes if you want to find out, but first I have a few measurements to check. Ah, I see a foot.” Becky pointed to the center of the screen, where the wavering gray image took shape.
“I see it.” Shane moved closer, his voice brimming with pride and exhilaration.
Her baby’s foot. Annie couldn’t find the words to describe the feeling coursing through her. A second later it hit her. This was love—overwhelming in its intensity—and it took her breath away. She met Shane’s gaze and saw the same raw emotion on his face.
Their child—conceived with utter carelessness—brought a joy more powerful than anything Annie had known in her life.
As Becky moved the wand over Annie’s stomach, she kept up a running conversation about what she was doing and pointed out various parts of the baby’s anatomy. Annie listened with only half an ear. The rest of her was tuned in to the sound of her baby’s heartbeat.
Closing her eyes, she thanked God for the blessing He had given her. It was one she didn’t deserve. It took several long minutes before Annie noticed that Becky had fallen silent.
Glancing at the young woman’s face, Annie felt her heart freeze, then begin to pound with painful intensity. “What’s wrong?”
Pressing the wand more firmly into Annie’s stomach, Becky avoided looking at her. “I just need to get a few more pictures of something here.”
“Everything is okay, isn’t it?” Shane asked.
Becky chewed her lower lip, then said, “I’m having a little trouble getting the measurements I need. I’m going to have Dr. Merrick give it a try. He’s better at this than I am.”
Annie didn’t believe her. Looking at Shane, she saw he didn’t, either. And she saw something else. She saw fear in his eyes. Her heart sank as panic welled up like bile in her throat and threatened to choke her.
Chapter Fourteen
“It’s going to be okay,” Shane said quietly.
Sitting in a chair beside him in Dr. Merrick’s office, Annie desperately wanted to believe Shane, but she couldn’t. Trying to think about anything but what could be wrong, she glanced around the room. The small office contained only a desk with a computer and two gray filing cabinets sitting side by side against the wall. Over them hung several framed documents detailing Dr. Merrick’s credentials. On the other wall hung several photographs of a little boy and a little girl.
Annie rubbed her hands up and down her arms. “What’s taking him so long?”
“I wish I knew.” Shane’s knuckles stood out white as he gripped the arms of the chair. Annie’s hands were ice-cold. She struggled to keep her composure. This couldn’t be happening. Her baby was going to be fine.
God, why are You doing this to me? I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done wrong, You know that. Please let my baby be okay.
The office door opened and Dr. Merrick came in at last. “I’m sorry to keep you waiting, but I wanted to get a second opinion on what your sonogram was showing us and do a little research.”
He sat down at his desk and faced them. “I’ve sent a digital copy of your sonogram to a colleague at Children’s Mercy in Kansas City, and unfortunately he concurs with my diagnosis.”
“What’s wrong?” Annie asked the question, but she knew in her heart she didn’t want to hear the answer.
Dr. Merrick folded his hands together. “There isn’t an easy way to say this. Your child has a rare condition called congenital cystic adenomatoid malformation. We call it C-CAM for short. It is a birth defect that occurs when one or more lobes of the lungs develop into fluid-filled cysts instead of normal tissue. The result is that your baby has a large tumor inside her chest, and it’s growing.”
“It’s a girl?” The thrill of knowing she carried a daughter couldn’t offset the dread filling her mind.
“This tumor is treatable, isn’t it?” Shane asked.
Hearing the desperation in his voice, Annie bowed her head and fought to keep from screaming. This couldn’t be happening. She wanted to wake up from this horrible night mare.
Please, God, let me wake up!
“Treatment depends on the size of the tumor. Many small ones don’t require intervention, but in this case we can already see that the baby’s heart is being compressed to the point that it isn’t pumping blood adequately. With a tumor this size, the child can’t survive.”
“No!” The cry tore out of Annie throat. “Don’t say that! There’s some mistake!”
Shane reached over to take her hand, but she je
rked away from him.
The doctor said, “I wish that were true. I’m very sorry. This isn’t an inherited condition. You don’t need to worry about it reoccurring with your next pregnancy.”
“But I want this baby,” Annie whispered. “Can’t you help us?”
The man’s silence spoke louder than any words. Annie’s throat closed up, and tears poured unchecked down her face as the terrible truth sank in.
Shane’s heart ached for Annie’s pain. She seemed to shrink into a ball of agony before his eyes. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn’t know how. The knowledge that their daughter was going to die numbed his mind.
None of his military training had taught him how to deal with such grief. He looked back at the doctor. “Is there any chance at all that the baby can survive?”
“I don’t want to give you false hope. In a very few cases the cysts stop growing and the baby can survive until it is mature enough to be born and undergo surgery to remove the tumor. It isn’t likely in this case because we can already see signs of heart failure in the fetus.”
“But there is a chance?” Shane snatched onto that thread of hope with grim determination.
“I’ll recheck a sonogram in a few days. That will tell us for sure if the tumor is still growing. The only other option would be fetal surgery. You’d have to go to a specialized center for that. I think the closest one would be Houston, but the baby may already be too sick.”
Shane glanced at Annie. She sat silent in her chair, her head bowed in defeat. “This fetal surgery—it’s been done in cases like this?”
“A very few, and not all have been successful.”
“And we can have it done in Houston?”
“Among other places. But, Mr. Ross, there are other things to consider. Fetal surgery is risky for the mother. Many times the babies die anyway. Even if it is successful, Annie would need to stay in the hospital for weeks to be monitored for premature labor. She has no insurance, she has a minimum-wage job. You yourself are being deployed overseas in a few weeks and won’t be there to support her.”
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