“Sweetheart, I remember when we first met, you looked at me like you’d seen a ghost. As if you were afraid of me.” I looked deeply into her green eyes. “Was that because I reminded you of Sherinia, Baby Doll?”
Looking startled, Jenny bit her bottom lip and nodded. She reached for her glass and finished the wine. After I poured another glass for her, she said, “To be honest, yes, Bette, you totally reminded me of Sherinia. It was more how you behaved rather than your looks. She was an enormous flirt, too.” She took another sip of her wine, and then cleared her throat. “I know that you’re not like her, because I know you have a heart. But then I didn’t know.”
“I understand, Sweetheart,” I replied, smiling at her reassuringly. I took a sip of my red wine, and reaching across the table I squeezed her hand again. “So, Jenny, I see that you refused to let your past define you. And that’s one of the reasons you’re one of us. ‘The Coldhearts’ give a voice to all those who feel as outsiders and freaks and yet fight for their own happiness. And it’s obvious that you’re capable of changing who you are, if you’re not happy with who you are.”
She looked at me in amazement. Her beautiful green eyes went wide again, and her lips parted. Then her expression changed, as she beamed at me, and this time her smile reached her eyes. “You’re really wise, Bette. And you’re so kind, too,” she said.
I smiled crookedly. “At least I can talk like I’m wise, Sweetheart.”
I suddenly felt the need to relieve myself. I’ve drunk a lot of coffee today, I realized. Getting up, I gave Jenny an apologetic look and said, “Excuse me for a moment, I need to go to the bathroom.”
When I got back to the kitchen, I saw that Jenny was looking at the photos on the pin board hanging on the wall. “Looking at old pictures of The Coldhearts before you joined us?” I asked, stirring her from her musing.
“Yeah, and that’s an interesting one,” she replied, pointing.
I took our two glasses from the kitchen table, walked over to her and handed her the glass of wine. Then I took a look at the photo Jenny was staring at, and all color drained from my face. It was exactly the old black and white band photo that had made me break up with Nellie, and that I kept as a constant reminder of my broken heart.
“Oh, that one,” I said dismissively and playing it down, “it was taken when ‘The Coldhearts’ just started out, long before we moved here.” I pointed out the garage in the background to Jenny. “See? We used to rehearse there. It must have been taken a couple of years ago.”
We clinked our glasses and took a sip of wine. I took a deep breath and regained my composure. I said lightly, “Now enough of this serious shit, Baby Doll. We’ve gotten an offer for a gig that’s not our usual kind of gig and I wanted your take on it.”
“Oh? What do you mean? Please don’t tell me it’s glam rockers again?”
“Nah, it’s something completely different. There’s a big new electronics store opening in a local mall, and they want us to play at their opening. The thing is they want us to play unplugged, and we’ve never played an acoustic set anywhere. What do you think about that?”
Jenny seemed to be intrigued. “Really? Sounds interesting. That would be something different for a change. They are paying us for that gig, right?”
That made me burst out laughing. “Fuck yeah, they’re paying us, Sweetheart. You in?”
“I’m in.” Jenny replied, smiling good-naturedly for the first time this afternoon. “When is it?”
“In a couple of weeks from now. I’ll text you the date,” I told her.
Then Jenny looked at the kitchen clock and gasped, apparently shocked at how late it already was. We’d taken far more than the hour I’d originally planned on, but my talk with Jenny was something that needed doing, and I’d actually enjoyed doing it. Getting to know Jenny better and having her open up to me was absolutely worth taking a few hours away from work.
“Oh God, Bette,” Jenny cried out. “I’ve been talking to you for hours, when you should have been working!” She shook her pretty head in dismay. “Are you going to be able to still meet your deadline?”
Smiling at her reassuringly, I put my arm around her shoulder. “Don’t worry, Baby Doll. We needed to have this talk. You’re family now, remember? And my deadline is not till tomorrow morning, so I’ve got plenty of time,” I told her.
Linking arms with her, I walked her to the bus stop, and I hugged her and kissed her cheeks when we said our good byes as the bus arrived.
I slowly walked down the dust road to the farmhouse, and my mind began wandering. Poor Jenny was dealing with a really terrible dilemma and I totally felt for her. I sincerely hoped everything worked for her and Nellie and Emilia, particularly for Nellie though. I was glad I wasn’t in Jenny’s shoes. Of course I had a dilemma of my own, and my dilemma’s name was Tanja.
Opening the door to the farmhouse, I kept thinking. I knew that I was going to have to make up my mind soon what to do about the Crazy Little Bitch, and whether there could be something lasting between us, and whether that was what I wanted. I’d told Jenny to find out what made her happy. Now, I was in a similar position.
As I walked down the hallway to my office, I realized that that would have to wait, because now I had work to do. I sighed as I sat down in my desk chair and turned on my desktop. I had a long night of work before me. More coffee and cigarettes would be needed.
+++
Setting my knife and fork down on my now empty plate, I leant back in my chair and let out a contented sigh. My family’s once-a-month Sunday dinner had become a tradition ever since my older brother Ralf had moved out, and it had become more important to our mother after I moved out, too. ‘I must see my children at least once every month,’ she used to say. Even though our mother could be quite difficult, both Ralf and I were perfectly willing to show up for these family dinners, because our mother was also a good cook. That was something I couldn’t claim for myself. Nellie for example was a much better cook than I was.
As my mother often did, she’d made roulades, and as always, she’d bought very tender cuts of thinly sliced beef from the butcher. She’d wrapped them around bacon, onions, and a little gherkin, and smeared them with mustard. She’d simmered them in a delicious brown sauce. I knew all that, because she’d tried to teach me how to make them, but of course I was more interested in eating than cooking them. She served her roulades with boiled rice and a delicious mixed salad.
I heard my mother clear her throat, and I looked up from my empty plate. My blue eyes met hers, and I studied her face for a brief moment. I had the same blue eyes and blonde hair like my mother, only she had her hair trimmed short and neatly parted on the left. Together with her tall and slender build it gave her a slightly androgynous look. She was in her fifties now, but she was still in good shape.
“So, Elizabeth,” she said, primly, “you’re still not dating anyone.” It was a statement rather than a question. She shook her head. “I still can’t understand you. I mean, it was hard enough for me to get used to the idea you like girls instead of boys, but you’re twenty-seven, and you’re not even in a stable relationship.” She looked at me and sighed again. “Nowadays even lesbian couples can have children.”
Oh great! I fought the urge to roll my eyes at her. It had been a while since my mother had brought up this batshit crazy idea about my having grandchildren for her. Apparently, she’d made up her mind that it had been too long. Deciding to take a minute to think of what to say to her, I took a sip of the red wine my father had opened to go with our meal. When I put my glass back down on the table, I suddenly announced without knowing exactly why, “Actually, I am in a relationship, Mother.”
That definitely got my parents’ attention, especially my mother’s. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ralf was biting his bottom lip, trying to keep from laughter. He must have thought I was making fun of my mother. But why the fuck was it so ridiculous, if I actually were in a relationship? Okay, the idea must have
been ridiculous to him, because he knew how I was sleeping around.
“Oh? Why haven’t you told us, Elizabeth? Who is she? Or is it a nice young man even?” My mother looked and sounded hopeful.
“No, Mother,” I replied, “It’s not a man, it’s a girl.” I tried to stop myself from smiling, but when I thought of Tanja, I couldn’t help smiling. “She’s as beautiful as an angel, and she’s a Crazy Bitch at the same time!”
I saw that my brother had suddenly begun to look at me as if I’d gone crazy. Maybe I had. What I’d just said was fucking crazy, I knew, and I had absolutely no idea why I said it, absolutely no fucking idea. But thinking about Tanja made my heart beat faster, and I liked it, a lot, actually.
My mother’s face fell. “Elizabeth! You can’t call a young lady a… Crazy Bitch!” She made a face like my old High School German teacher when I gave a wrong answer.
I burst out laughing. Probably I’d lost my mind, but my thoughts about Tanja made me feel high. “But Tanja really is a Crazy Bitch.” It was strange, but just saying Tanja’s name made me feel really warm inside.
My mother suddenly went still, and she gave me an odd, appraising look. Something in my tone had obviously made her pause. “Even though you’re making a fun of it, you sound as if you actually liked this Tanja.”
She gave me another appraising look, and I wondered if I’d given too much away from how I actually felt. “So does this Tanja want to have kids, Elizabeth?” she asked.
She must be really desperate to have grandchildren to start talking like this. Of course it was my mother’s craziest idea yet, so this time I actually rolled my eyes. “I have no idea, if she does or not, Mother. We only met a couple of weeks ago.”
My Mother let out a sigh, looking frustrated with me. Therefore, she turned her attention to Ralf. “And what about you? You’re nearly thirty years old now. You’re more than old enough to get married and have children. Your old friend from high school, Manfred, already has a wife and two amazing boys.” She frowned at Ralf. “His mother is very proud and happy.”
I didn’t know how he did it, but Ralf’s face was blank as he said softly, “Just let it go, Mom, okay? I haven’t found a girl I’d want to marry yet, and I’m not going to rush into anything.”
Our mother however wasn’t ready to do that, at least not yet. “But Ralf, you don’t even have a full-time job,” she complained, shaking her head and looking bewildered. “Aren’t you a little old to…bang on the drums all day?”
Ralf looked like he was about to say something, but our mother wasn’t done. “And what’s that ridiculous business about carrying around equipment for your little sister? You’re a… how do they call it – a roadie?” She made a disgusted face as if she’d just bitten into a lemon. “Elizabeth does have a real job at least, she’s a designer, but what about you?” She went on in a plaintive voice. “How can you think a respectable girl would marry you if you don’t even have a decent job?”
Ralf took a deep breath, and then he actually smiled. “Well, first of all, Mom, I don’t think it’s important that a girl be what you’d call respectable. And then, as far as how I spend my time, I spend it doing things that are fun and important to me. I love teaching young people how to play drums. I went to Jazz School in Switzerland for a reason.” He shrugged, still smiling. “I make enough money to live on, and that’s enough for me. I don’t care what Manfred’s mother or anyone else thinks.”
Then Ralf looked over at me, fondly. “And as far as being my little sister’s roadie, I’m not ashamed of that, either. She’s such a talented singer and guitarist! You should see how she’s capable of wrapping a crowd around her little finger. One day she’s going to be a rock star.”
I felt warm by my dear big brother’s praise. He’d always been so supportive of me, and I felt so lucky to have him for a brother.
“And you should see the other girls in her band,” Ralf went on with his praise. I felt the heat rise in my face. Was I actually blushing? Or was it just the red wine?
“They’re all genuinely talented musicians. Take Nellie for example. She’s one of the best drum students I’ve ever had. She’s absolutely amazing, better than the guys at my drum school.” He paused for a second, but he wasn’t ready yet. “And Ina…” There was a dreamy look on his face. Did my brother have a crush on Ina? I hoped he didn’t, since men didn’t stand a chance with her.
“Ina’s a guitar goddess. She absolutely knows how to shred a guitar…” he went on shaking his head in disbelief. “And you should see Jet-black Jenny, their new bass player! She’s stunningly beautiful, and she too knows how to play bass guitar! Every guy in town would be happy to carry her guitar case.” Ralf locked eyes with our mother, before he added in a serious tone, “You really ought to be proud of your children, Mom.”
It was the longest speech I’d ever heard from my brother, and I smiled at him fondly.
Our mother let out a mournful sigh, looking at our father for support. He smiled at her tenderly and took her hand into his, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. She relaxed visibly. Watching them, I realized that my parents loved one another and that they were happy together. That hadn’t been something I’d ever thought about much. So, I did have parents who loved one another. Why was I so scared to have a romantic relationship myself?
“Our children are living their own lives, Helen, and as far as I can see, they’re doing pretty well. Everything else will come in due time,” my father said to her.
Dad looked at me first, and then at Ralf, and he smiled at us fondly. I knew the lives my brother and I had chosen were very different from what our parents had wanted for us. At least our Dad was sensible enough to accept our decisions and was happy for us as long as we were happy. I smiled fondly back at him.
There was a brief silence, which my mother broke with an odd remark. “But you both should have your hair cut.” I turned to look at her, and there was a little smile on her face and there was something else - was that a mischievous gleam in her eyes? She continued in a good-natured tone. “Your hair is entirely too long. After all, no one becomes a hippie anymore.”
Was our mother teasing us? Taken aback I glanced at Ralf, who just shrugged. Well, if our mother wanted to tease us about how long our hair was, that wasn’t too bad. And she wasn’t completely wrong. I definitely needed to see my hairstylist. I decided to make an appointment with her next week.
After my mother talked herself out, I helped her load the dishes into the dishwasher, before I went outside to the backyard and lit a cigarette. My Dad came out a minute later to join me. Walking up behind me, he put his hand on my shoulder.
“I’m proud of you, Elizabeth,” he said, “And I love you, no matter what. I want you to know that.”
Abruptly, my eyes became moist. It had been a long time since Dad had told me he loved me.
“And you and your band mates are really talented. And very pretty, too,” he added.
Startled, I spun around to face him. “How do you know?” I was actually wondering if my Dad had come to see The Coldhearts play without telling me.
He smiled. “I checked out ‘The Coldhearts’ website and listened to some of your stuff. Your band is really good.”
“Oh Dad,” I said, my tears beginning to trickle down my cheeks. I put my arms around him and hugged him. “That really means a lot to me.”
“It’s okay, Lisa,” he said, stroking my back.
I let go of him and pulled at my cigarette.
“So, is Tanja a nice girl?” he suddenly changed topics.
“Well yes, I think she is,” I replied with a quick grin. Thinking of Tanja always made me smile. “And she really is a Crazy Bitch.”
My Dad raised his eyebrows, looking bemused. “What’s that supposed to mean, Lisa?”
I finished my cigarette, dropped the butt on the ground, and put it out with the heel of my boots. I shook my head and sighed, a big silly grin on my face. “Oh God, it means – I don’t know�
��that she’s just incredible. She’s beautiful, and she’s smart, smart enough to not only understand me really well, but to accept me for who and what I am. She’s cute and funny, and she’s a badass rocker girl like me, too.”
Dad smiled. “It sounds like she’s someone who can cope with you, Lisa.”
“Maybe she really can, Dad. I don’t know.” I smiled, thinking of how cute Tanja was. “She’s quite young, though, I still need to get to know her better.”
“I really hope things will work out for you and your Tanja, Lisa. Now, let’s go back inside, and we’ll have coffee and some of your mother’s cake.”
Nodding, I used the back of my hand to wipe away my tears, before I followed him back into the house I’d grown up in.
+++
We had a rehearsal scheduled to get us ready for our upcoming unplugged gig, and while I was talking to Ina and Nellie, we heard the door to our rehearsal room open. We all turned to look, and what we saw made us fall silent immediately. It was Jenny, and she looked awful.
She was wearing Wayfarers, and she looked so pale that a vampire could have drunk all of her blood. When she walked in the room and put down her bass, she took off her dark glasses. I could see that her eyes were red, so I could tell that Jenny was badly hung-over, and that she’d probably been crying, too. It was obvious that she’d told her girlfriend Emilia she was in love with Nellie, and that the pretty redhead had taken it badly.
Nellie ran to her with me close behind her, and we both threw our arms around her. Together we maneuvered our black-haired bandmate to the couch in the corner of the room, and while Nellie and I held her, and as Ina knelt on the floor, holding her hand, Jenny cried like a child. While still sobbing, she told us what had happened.
Hard Rock Hot Heart Page 10