But he didn’t want her nervous. Not now.
He kissed her again until her body lost its stiffness. Until she was writhing underneath him. He entered her slowly, watching her face for any signs of distress or that she’d changed her mind. But there was nothing but pleasure. Her gaze held his and what he saw in the blue depths humbled him. Trust. She really did scare the hell out of him. He wanted to be worthy of her but he wasn’t. Still, he had this moment and he could be worthy of this.
He slid deeper inside her wet heat. She was so tight, he had to stop so as not to go too fast, too hard, but she groaned and lifted her hips. He set an easy motion, his hand gripping her slim hip. She met him, thrust for thrust, her hands moving over his shoulders, down his arms. He felt her body tighten and heat beneath his. He shifted, angling his body to give her even more pleasure, going deeper and deeper until she climaxed, her body tightening around him.
As she came down from her orgasm, he buried his face in the crook of her neck, pressed his mouth there as he increased his pace. Her nails dug into his skin; her breath was hot and came out in short gasps next to his ear. “Kane,” she gasped. “Kane...”
The sound of her saying his name pierced him. He had a sudden and vicious need to hear her say it again and again. To wake up next to her. To see her face before he fell asleep. To hear her voice, the sound of her laugh every day. The want hit him with the force of a baseball bat, the ensuing images of her with him, day and night, forever, threatening to knock the breath from his lungs.
She licked his earlobe, sucked it into her mouth and scraped her teeth against it. “Kane,” she whispered yet again.
With a roar he came, emptying himself.
Later―could have been hours, though it was more than likely just a few minutes―he managed to roll to the side, taking her with him, holding her against him. She snuggled close, laying her head on his shoulder, her hand resting above his heart.
“So,” she said after a while, sounding content and pretty damned pleased with herself, “that’s what all the fuss is about, huh?”
He smiled against the top of her head. “That’d be it.”
“Is that pretty much how it always is?” she asked.
“Pretty much,” he lied, though he’d never experienced anything quite as earth-shaking as what had happened between them. But if he believed that, if he bought into it, then he’d have to believe all the bullshit about sex being better with someone you love, someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
Pure fantasy, that.
Char traced the lettering above his heart, Savage, the nickname he’d been given in the service due to his last name. Could she feel the way his heart tripped under her touch? How unsteady it—and he—was? Did she have any idea how unsteady he felt around her, as if he had to be extra careful of his next step.
“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it,” she said lightly, her voice a bit sleepy. “Seeing as how I have nothing to compare it to.”
He frowned. Realized that, eventually, she would have something to compare this to. They weren’t forever. They weren’t even exclusive for right now. If he let her go, when he let her go, she’d find someone else, another man to make love to her, to touch her and make her come, to hear the sounds she made. Some other lucky bastard who’d get to hold her afterward and see her smile.
Kane rolled her onto her back. Her eyes flew open. She laughed. “What...?”
He kissed her and, for the next hour, did his damnedest to prove that despite his words, when it came to what they’d just shared, nothing else would ever come close.
* * *
KANE WOKE SLOWLY, the morning sun shining in his eyes. He rolled over, brushed against a soft, warm weight.
Charlotte.
He pulled her closer, kept his hand on her hip. She sighed. “G’morning,” she murmured, her eyes still closed.
He kissed her. “Good morning.” Then, because she was warm and sleepy and sexily rumpled, he kissed her again.
And again. And again. Soon their bodies heated, their breathing grew ragged. She was so soft, so sweet. He wasn’t used to sweet, wasn’t sure it was something he wanted to be around too often. It could mess with a man’s head, make him think stupid thoughts. Make him believe someone cared about him enough to put him above their own needs or welfare.
He knew better.
But he couldn’t let her go. Not yet.
He tugged her over so she straddled him.
She nibbled on her lower lip, placed her hands on his chest for support. “Are you sure about this?”
He grinned. “Positive.” He covered himself with a condom, then lifted his pelvis. It only took a moment for her to catch on and she slid up and down his length. She quivered. Gasped.
“Lift your hips,” he told her, hating that he couldn’t do it himself, couldn’t grab hold of her as he wanted.
She rose onto her knees. Fast learner that she was, she gently wrapped her hand around him and guided him inside her. He watched her face as she lowered her hips, her mouth opened, her eyes dark.
“What...what should I do?” she asked when he was firmly embedded in her tight heat.
His groan turned into a laugh. “Whatever feels good.”
Her forehead wrinkling in concentration, she moved forward. Then back. He arched, shut his eyes against how good it felt. He didn’t want to rush her, didn’t want to take anything away from another first experience.
Her pace was slow. Steady. It about killed him. But she took his advice, kept working him, her face glowing with pleasure, her skin heating.
Her breasts swayed, her face flushed. “I...I think...I want to go faster.”
God, but she was something. Innocent and so sexy at the same time. “Are you sure?” He licked one taut nipple. “Maybe what you really want is me deeper?”
He lifted his hips. Her eyes widened. She licked her lips. “Yes, that’s...that’s good but I think...maybe if I just...”
She dropped to her elbows, pumped her hips faster. Harder. He met her thrust for thrust. Their bodies grew slick with sweat. She pressed her face to the crook of his neck, her breathing ragged. He knew she had to be close, wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out on his own orgasm.
He turned his head, captured her mouth in a heated kiss, one where he tried to tell her everything he was feeling, everything he thought about her. She pulled away, began making those sexy noises that told him she was close to coming.
She straightened, her hips pumping, her fingertips trailing against his stomach. “Oh...oh...” Her eyes darkened and she held his gaze as she came, her body tightening around him.
Knowing he’d never see anything more beautiful in his life, he followed her over the edge.
She collapsed on top of him, her heart racing against his. After catching her breath, she lifted her head. What he saw in her eyes humbled him.
Terrified him.
He knew what was coming before she spoke, but he couldn’t find the strength to stop her.
“I love you.”
Her words were like a cold dose of reality, one he didn’t want to face. Not now. Not ever.
But it was too late.
“You don’t love me.”
She slowly sat up, moved away from him. He immediately missed her warmth. “You mean you don’t want me to love you,” she said, her voice shaking.
A muscle in his jaw worked. He sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed, his back to her. “You don’t love me,” he repeated. “We’re...”
“Oh, no. Please, go on. We’re...what? Friends with benefits? Sex buddies?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, yanking on his jeans from last night, not bothering to button them. When he turned, he found she’d already put on her bra, was sliding on that tiny s
kirt. He wanted to rip it off again, to go back to the way they’d been last night. The way they’d been a few minutes ago.
“You don’t want to love me,” he said as she tugged on her shirt. “I’m not the guy you’re looking for.”
“You’re the guy I want. And what do you mean, not the guy I’m looking for? I want a man to be my partner. Someone who’s caring and generous. Who makes me laugh. Makes me think. Who pushes me to be better. Stronger. Who encourages me to take risks.” She crossed to him, laid her hands flat against his chest. His heart tripped. “You may not be the man I always thought I wanted, but you’re the one I want now. Don’t push me away because you think it’s best for me.”
* * *
CHAR HELD HER BREATH. Under her fingers, Kane’s heart beat quickly. She did that. Made his heart trip, like he did hers. He had to care for her. He had to. He was doing this as some lame attempt to put her back on her path to her perfect future.
Her perfect future was with him.
“Don’t try to turn this around,” he snarled, his expression darkening. “I’m not some good guy here doing the right thing out of honor or whatever.”
“But you are honorable. Can’t you see that? You’re a wonderful father, have a fabulous relationship with the mother of your child and have spent hours at your sick father’s bedside. The same father you claim you don’t want anything to do with. You want, so badly, to keep separated from everyone and everything, to be isolated emotionally, but you’re not.”
“I’m an addict,” he said harshly. “You can’t ignore that. Can’t pretend my past doesn’t happen.”
“Your past will always be a part of you, but you’re more than your addiction, so much more than your mistakes. Tell me,” she said, turning him so she could swipe her hand across his back, “why did you choose this for one of your tattoos?”
He stiffened. “No reason.”
“Please. You expect me to believe you just happened to spend hours upon hours having a phoenix inked into your back? It’s a symbol for what you’ve gone through. Except you weren’t reborn from flames, you were reborn because you turned your life around. You did that, all on your own.” She laid her hand on his arm, held his gaze. “You’re a good man. You overcame your past and are now a member of this town, you made O’Riley’s bigger and better. You’re more honorable than you think.” She swallowed, knew she had to share with him what was in her heart. “Those are all part of the reasons why I fell in love with you.”
He flinched. The man actually flinched at her declaration. She’d be pissed if her stomach didn’t feel so sick, if a cold sweat hadn’t coated her skin.
He stepped back. Looked hard and unyielding. “It’s just sex.”
“That’s it? Nothing else. No feelings involved?”
“Look, I care about you—”
“Yay. You care about me,” she said flatly. “That is so reassuring. I mean, I just told you I’m in love with you and you...you come back with you care about me? Wow. Talk about putting yourself out there.”
Which was what she was doing. What she always did. And, once again, it was coming back to bite her in the ass. You’d think she’d be used to the pain and disappointment, but this time, this time seemed so much worse.
Like she might not ever recover.
“You’re confused,” he said almost desperately. “You’re messing up sex with feelings.”
“Well, silly me, being so sentimental and emotional when it comes to sex. I’m glad you’re here to set me straight on how and what I feel and how wrong I am about those feelings.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he grumbled. He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Look, we’re both tired. Let’s just...talk about this another time.”
Char froze, felt as if everything inside her had turned to ice and one wrong move and she’d shatter into a million pieces. “You really don’t want me.”
“I don’t see any reason for us to go round and round on something that doesn’t matter.”
She laughed harshly. It was either that or curl into a ball and cry like a baby. “I see. So my feelings, my wants, they don’t matter.” She hugged herself, but she was still so cold. “So what happens now? You’ll call me later? We’ll hook up a few times—a few or a dozen, whatever you prefer—and then when you’re tired of me, you’ll just walk away.”
“I’m not in a good place right now for this conversation and I wasn’t...I’m not...looking for a relationship. That was always clear. Families, relationships are nothing but a pain in the ass. Eventually, everyone shows their true colors. Guess you’re just seeing mine sooner rather than later.”
Char hated that Kane saw family—the love and commitment that came with it—as a noose slowly tightening around his neck. “I can show you what it’s like to be a part of a family that loves and respects one another. I can show you how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with a woman who truly loves and respects you. A woman who’ll be by your side no matter what, who’ll support your decisions, cheer you on and be your lover, friend and partner for life. Someone who’ll never walk away from you.” She closed the distance between them, lightly touched his jaw, his cheek and lowered her voice. “Someone like me.”
The panic on his face might have been comical if it didn’t tear her heart out and rip it in two.
He caged her wrists, pulled her hands from him. “I can’t. There’s nothing between us except sex. You’re mixing up attraction with feelings, making more of our physical relationship than what’s really there.”
He believed that. He really, truly believed what he was saying.
That was what hurt the most.
“I can accept that you’re going to stand there and try to reduce what we have to lust,” she said, her voice unsteady, tears stinging her eyes. “That you’re going to deny your feelings.”
He didn’t want her. All of the fears and doubts she’d had since she was a skinny teenager came rushing back.
She opened the door, held it until she could get her thoughts under control. Her feelings. “I can forgive you for not loving me,” she said quietly. “But I’ll never forgive you for hurting me this way.”
She shut the door behind her with a soft click and gave in to her tears as she hurried down the stairs.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“YOU CAN COME out during Easter break,” Kane told Estelle as they chatted over Skype. She and Meryl were back to normal. As soon as they’d gotten to Houston Meryl had packed up Adam’s things and set them on the curb. Estelle was back in school and she and Pilar had made up.
All was right with his daughter’s world again.
Wish he could say the same for his own life.
“But that’s, like, three weeks from now!”
Estelle wanted to come back to Shady Grove since Senior was going to transfer to a Pittsburgh hospital for his rehab. Why Carrie decided on that instead of sending him back to Houston, Kane had no idea, but it pissed C.J. off but good.
“You’ve already missed two weeks of school,” he reminded her. “Your granddad will understand.”
“I hope so.” She checked her nails, dipped the brush into the nail polish bottle. “I was thinking I could also come out at the beginning of summer.”
“Sure.” He’d put off selling O’Riley’s, at least for the next year or so. He couldn’t live near Estelle, but he could give her that much permanency.
“Maybe I could stay for the whole summer,” she said, looking hopeful.
“You don’t have to do that.” He was worried she felt guilty about not wanting to live with him.
She rolled her eyes. “Duh, Daddy, I want to. It’ll be fun. We can hang out a lot and I can see Andrew and Charlotte again.”
Charlotte. He hadn’t seen her since she’d left his apartment a week ago. For the best, he told hi
mself. She was confused. Thought he was something he wasn’t. Some sort of hero.
A man worthy of her.
“She called me, you know.”
His mouth tightened. “Charlotte called you?”
Estelle nodded. “Two days ago. Said she visited Granddad and he looked a lot better.”
Charlotte had visited his father, then had called his daughter to tell her Senior was looking better.
He didn’t want to think about her, didn’t want to talk about her. Couldn’t fall asleep at night without reliving their lovemaking. Without seeing the hurt in her face before she’d left.
Hurt he’d caused.
I love you.
They were just words. They didn’t mean anything. In a few weeks, she’d move on, go back to looking for her future husband, a doctor or an accountant, someone clean-cut and boring.
Lucky bastard.
She didn’t want Kane. Not really. He had a past and history he was ashamed of, not to mention no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t separate himself fully from his crazy dysfunctional family.
“What if I shut the bar down for a few weeks when you visit,” he said, needing to get Charlotte out of his mind. “We can travel up the coast.”
Estelle’s eyes widened and she clapped her hands. “Yes! Oh, I know. Charlotte can come with us.”
He fisted his good hand. Imagined Charlotte on the beach, her long, lean body in a bikini, a blue one to bring out her eyes. “I’m sure she wouldn’t want to.”
“Of course she would,” Estelle said as if he was an idiot to even doubt it. “Besides, she has a thing for you. I’m sure she’d love to go away with us.”
His daughter had seen that? “Trust me. She doesn’t want to go anywhere with me.”
“You did something,” Estelle said, looking at him with suspicion. “What is it?”
“I didn’t do anything.” Except hurt Charlotte’s feelings. Let her go. No, he hadn’t let her go. He lost her. “Look, there’s nothing going on between me and Charlotte.”
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