by Kiera Cass
My limited vision was obnoxious. I was curious about where I was exactly. I couldn’t see if the Ocean was my only way out. On the other hand, Akinli was right— this place would be beautiful in the fall.
I made all these observations while he was taking a shower upstairs. I wasn’t going to go up there to see if the view showed anything more until I was invited into that part of the house. And also, he wasn’t clothed up there.
Over the course of the morning, I had learned that Ben was Akinli’s cousin. Ben and Julie had been living together for years now, spanning the end of college and their jump into adulthood. They suited each other. She was sweet and cautious; he was spacey and comical. Akinli had only been living here a few months. I could guess why.
Akinli was here trapping lobster with Ben and two other strong, young men that made up their crew. I knew Maine had a reputation for good lobster, and these guys helped supply it. Knowing that he did such a labor-heavy job, I was a little surprised to find his name written into the margin of several books in the downstairs nook. It appeared he was studious, reading everything from fiction to history. There were even a few textbooks down there. But maybe those were Ben or Julie’s.
The way he talked about Ben, you could tell he was like the brother Akinli never had. They had grown up together, and Akinli admitted that Ben had been his best friend since he was eight or so. The thought of the two of them small and causing trouble was incredibly amusing to me.
I could hear in his voice that he had a certain reverence for Julie. I sensed he thought it was a miracle that any woman could tolerate Ben. Akinli loved him, undoubtedly, but he was still surprised that Ben could hold onto someone as put-together as Julie. I don’t know. Ben seemed like a nice enough guy to me.
The home was marked with signs of family. There were knickknacks on the shelves; someone in the house had a fondness for moose. One spot on the couch seemed particularly worn, and I guessed that was someone’s favorite spot. A collection of pictures sat in frames and hung on the walls. Ben and Akinli held lobsters in both of their hands, sticking their tongues out in one. Julie sat on a bench surrounded by people I assumed were her parents and siblings in another. Ben and Julie sat together in a photograph obviously taken by a professional. Faces of people I had yet to meet were dotted around the house. This place was entirely theirs.
I heard a door open.
“The shower’s all yours,” Akinli called from upstairs. Another door closed. I didn’t really need or want a shower, but I had to pretend to be something close to normal. A normal girl would want a shower. I grabbed my dress, since it was all I had, and climbed the stairs to the one shower in the house. There was a half bath under the staircase, but no tub. I took in the upstairs quickly. I could hear Akinli moving in his room. The door to Ben and Julie’s bedroom was open. It was predominantly feminine but a little messy, which I liked. And then there was what looked like an office space in another small room. The office window was open— nothing but trees.
I took a fast shower. The warm water felt good but also unwanted in a way. I knew She wouldn’t feel me here, but the way the liquid ran across my skin was entirely too familiar. The dress was an issue, too. After the discomfort of the shower, I didn’t want to be in something that was Hers right now. It was my vanity that won out. I was comfortable wearing Akinli’s clothes at this point, but I looked better in the dress. I ran my fingers through my hair so it would pull apart and curl, and away I went.
I galloped down the stairs and found Akinli in the kitchen getting more food. We’d just eaten! Maybe I used to eat that much too and just couldn’t remember. He was barefoot in plain old jeans and a black cotton shirt. I knew he was strong; he had carried me here. But it was different to see his muscles pulling at his clothes. I fought back a blush. This whole situation was going to get a lot worse if I couldn’t keep some sort of hold on my thoughts. He looked up from whatever he was snacking on and saw me in my dress. He sighed and then smiled.
“Hold on. Wait right there,” he said, dashing past me up the stairs. I heard drawers opening and closing. A moment later he ran back down wearing a red silk tie and a silver cummerbund over the same t-shirt and jeans.
“There,” he said, straightening his tie. “Now you won’t feel overdressed.”
I breathed a laugh. It was tricky to keep the sound out, but the action could not be helped. He was just funny.
With pen and paper in hand he took me into the living room where we spent most of the morning. We were going through channels when I noticed that the house had a small collection of movies.
Which one is your favorite? I wrote.
He pulled out a box with a cover I hadn’t seen before— obviously a comedy.
“Have you seen this?”
I shook my head no.
“You. Couch. Now!” he commanded.
I smiled and bounced onto the couch. I rustled a little as I settled. Akinli put the movie on and sat close. But not too close.
The movie was ridiculous. Funny, for sure, but even gross in some places. I had to guard myself so I didn’t laugh out loud, and that was really, really difficult. Not because of the movie itself, but because of Akinli!
Before the first scene even happened, he was giggling. I was completely enthralled. I tried to watch the movie, but most of the time my eyes were on him. His eyes crinkled into slits when he laughed. He was just so beautiful. I couldn’t keep myself from studying him.
After lunch— which I was forced to eat and Akinli was eager to help himself to— we stayed at the kitchen table and found ourselves playing cards. I knew how to play poker because of my recent years around teenage boys. Jillian and I learned to play because it was something Micah liked to do. She wanted an excuse to be around him, so we started up weekly poker games. Jillian wasn’t quite comfortable doing this on her own, so I learned to play and went with her. We learned the rules and what hand beat what all by ourselves. We could actually hold our own in the games with the boys. Our little gang wagered M&M’s since gambling wasn’t exactly permitted on school grounds. No one was ever brave enough to actually eat the M&M’s after all our hands had been on them. Before the games started, Jillian would always set aside a handful of blue ones… her favorite.
I wasn’t aware of the tears that memory brought on until they were spilling down my cheeks. They didn’t escape Akinli’s notice.
“Hey… hey, Kahlen? It’s okay.”
He started rubbing my arm. Being consoled had the same effect as Miaka and Elizabeth’s warm words— the tears came faster. The ache for Jillian made me want to wail. Silence was torture. I stayed quiet, but the tears ran anyway. Suddenly, Akinli was beside me with one arm around my waist. I felt bad for him. I was sitting there with two pair and a jack high— I was going to squash him— and then, for no apparent reason, I was sobbing. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable; he had already done so much for me.
“Do you want to talk about… well… do you want to write about it?” he asked encouragingly. The way he phrased things made me smile.
I figured if I set the precedent, he wouldn’t feel like he had to be so guarded around me. But pretending not to remember things left me unsure of how to honestly explain myself without making things more complicated. He took my pause as a “maybe” and went to get my paper. I tried to collect my thoughts. He returned and pulled his chair close to mine, setting the pen and paper in front of me. What was I supposed to say? I paused with the pen in hand.
I think I had a friend who liked poker.
“Oh! Do you remember anything about him?”
Her.
“Sorry. Her, then?”
What was I supposed to say? The truth I guess…
Just that I loved her.
“Was she with you? When you got lost, I mean?”
No. She’s gone.
“Oh… oh.”
W
e were quiet for a minute.
“Well, you know I understand that, Kahlen. I’m sorry that something so sad is the first thing you remember.”
We looked at each other. His eyes were full of compassion. I liked that he gave me the room to be sad. Finally, someone who would let me be.
I felt awkward at being gloomy around him, but if that was what I needed, he wouldn’t try to make me feel any way I didn’t. It was almost comforting to not have to pretend.
“But, on the plus side, you remembered something. Yeah? That’s good. Do you remember her name at all?”
I didn’t want to write Jillian’s name on the paper. It felt criminal. Mercifully, Julie walked through the front door— that strange door that landed in the kitchen— and saved me.
“Is everything okay?” she asked. I saw her eyes go over our closeness and my tears. She had bags in her hands.
“Yeah. Kahlen here remembered something. Nothing to do with her getting lost. Just something… well, something sad,” Akinli spoke for me.
“Oh.” Her face fell a little as she looked at me.
It hurt to have people feel sorry for me. Maybe I deserved pity, but I didn’t want it. I gently pushed my chair back and went to walk out of the kitchen.
“Kahlen?” Ankinli’s voice was soft, wondering if I still needed company.
I shook my head no and put up a gentle hand to stop him. I needed a moment alone.
I walked into the guest room and shut the door. I wasn’t sure what I’d see if I closed my eyes, but I slept anyway.
I woke to the sound of the TV going. It sounded like a crowd cheering. And then someone in the room yelled “Yes!” followed by another voice shushing the exclamation. It was dusk outside. I’d slept through the rest of the afternoon.
I didn’t know which was ruder: to stay in the room and ignore the people who were opening their home to me, or to go out into the living room and make them remember I was still here while they were obviously enjoying some time together.
I decided to do the latter, but only because I wanted to see Akinli again. I was going to have to find a way to say good-bye. Soon. This afternoon had readjusted my perspective. My proximity to Jillian had hurt her. Yes, she would have died even if she hadn’t known me, but those last few moments of her life would have been different. At least, along with the fear, she wouldn’t have felt betrayal. I didn’t want to have an opportunity to hurt Akinli.
Though it had been a little more emotional than I’d expected— with me sobbing and him near tears at one point— all in all, I had a good day with Akinli. I knew his voice now. I knew his laugh. I knew how his hair looked wet. I knew his face, either pale or tan. I knew how he absentmindedly popped his fingers. I knew that when he sat on the couch with any sort of intensity, he set his elbows on his knees leaning into whatever had his attention. I knew that when he was relaxed, he stretched out his legs and balanced his feet on his heels. I knew he scratched his head when he was bluffing at a good hand. I had a bundle of material. If those moments on the beach had helped me through a handful of months, this last day could surely occupy my mind for nineteen more years. I would have the best of him. In my mind, he would never age, just like me. He would always be perfect and happy in my head. Until… until a day came when I’d forget him. Forgetting Akinli… the thought was painful.
I shook it off. I straightened my hair and my dress, took a few steadying breaths and opened the door.
Not what I expected.
Julie, Ben, and Akinli were there, but so were two other guys and a girl I didn’t know. Our expressions as we took one another in must have been something. Ben laughed as I quickly shook my head. But Akinli was quick to make me calm.
“Hey there, Prom Queen! Glad you woke up. Come meet some of our friends.”
I walked out timidly. Julie and the new girl were huddled together around a magazine on the loveseat. The girl was watching me walk out with her jaw open. Ben and new guy number one were on the couch. Ben was an average-sized person, but his friend was pretty large. They took up the three-body space easily. New guy number two was in the lone chair. Akinli was sitting on the floor with his back against the sofa, so that’s where I went. I sat close enough to him that he put his hand on mine. I guess he felt my nerves. He would have thought it was because of the strangers, and he was partly right. I was trying to get out of here and soon. It was bad enough Akinli, his only family, and the little old lady across the street knew about me. Here were three more witnesses.
“Okay, up there by Julie is Kristen.” Kristen smiled and waved. Her eyes wandered my body with envy. She seemed a little more interested in my dress than me. I couldn’t blame her.
“This is Kristen’s boyfriend, John.” The guy on the couch mumbled a “whatup,” all one word. Why was that popular? I’d heard it before.
“And then, that guy is Evan.” The guy in the chair merely lifted his chin. Evan was big, too. He was as big as John but firmer. He had a beer in his hand. That made me look around. John, Ben, and Kristen all had beers, too.
Quietly, so no one else would know, Akinli whispered, “Are you doing okay?”
I smiled and nodded. I wanted his last thoughts of me to be warm ones. I was all too good at putting on my brave face.
“So you’re tha girl that’s taking ma room?” Evan asked, his speech slurred a bit. I just shrugged in response.
“These are the guys that work on the boat with us. On Fridays we hang out, watch a game, and drink a few beers. Evan likes to stay here so he doesn’t have to drive home. He lives just outside of town.” Akinli explained quietly. His face was close enough to mine that I could smell the alcohol on his breath. But he didn’t have a drink in his hand. I learned two things in that quick second: Akinli was at least twenty-one, and he knew when to cut himself off.
“You don’t talk?” Evan asked.
I shrugged again.
“Wha the hell does tha mean?” he asked, popping open another beer.
I didn’t like Evan. That’s all it took. I got up and went to the kitchen. On the countertop were my ravaged sheets of paper, covered in halves of questions and scratched out lines. I took it and my pen with me back to the living room. I wrote a note and passed it to Akinli who laughed.
“She says, ‘If I thought you were sober enough to read, I’d try to explain. As it is, I’ll just be pleased if you manage not to puke on me.’”
Everyone snorted or giggled. Except for Evan. He glared at me. I had meant it as a little bit darker than a joke, but I honestly didn’t know if he’d be able to understand it. Count on a drunk to miss everything you say save your insults. I’d obviously offended him in front of his friends, and now he disliked me as much as I disliked him. Except for Aisling, I don’t think I’d ever made an enemy that fast. But that was good. When I left, he’d be the one saying it was better I was gone. I could count on him for that.
A few minutes later, all the attention went back to the TV. Within an hour, Evan was passed out on the chair. I tugged on Akinli’s sleeve to get his attention. I motioned towards the kitchen. When I stood, he followed. He really was easy to communicate with, all things considered. In the kitchen, I sat at the table and started writing. Before I could finish, he spoke.
“Are you hungry?”
I shook my head no and then thought better of it. I probably should be hungry. I just didn’t feel like bothering with eating. I passed him my note.
I think I should go. Like with the police. I’m interfering here, and I don’t want that. You can’t babysit me all day while you wait for someone to show up looking for me. I’m sure the officers would be fine with coming to take me. And I really don’t mind.
I had thought this was the best idea. This way, he would think I was being looked after and feel absolutely no guilt at my disappearance. I didn’t think I had it in me to vanish on his watch. He looked a little bothered
by my note.
“So you heard that was an option, huh?”
Oops. Forgot I shouldn’t have heard that. I nodded my head ruefully and pulled the paper back.
I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You’ve all been so kind. But I can’t just stay here. I should probably go where I can be at the source if anyone comes for me.
He didn’t speak for a minute. He kept running his hand through his hair, thinking of what to say. The motion was hypnotizing. It took me a moment to remember what we were talking about.
“Kahlen, I’m not your warden. I can’t stop you if that’s what you really want to do. But… well, I’d like it better if you stayed. At least for one more day. How about that? If we don’t have any answers by tomorrow, then you can go, and I won’t get in your way.” He looked uneasy. “Sorry if I sound overprotective or something. I just… I don’t like the thought of you in a jail cell remembering something like you did today and then being all alone trying to deal with it. I know I don’t really know you, but I like having you around. You’re already a friend to me. And when you go, I’ll worry.”
I didn’t want to hear that. Akinli wanting me to stay only made it harder to leave. And here he was asking for something perfectly reasonable: one more day. That couldn’t be so bad, could it?
I thought through my options. I could do what he wanted: stay one more day and then leave. I could do what I wanted: go ahead and call the cops to take me away. Or I could do what She would want: wait for everyone to sleep and disappear in the night, the sooner the better.
I wasn’t really concerned with what the Ocean wanted right now. She could suffer and wonder for ages longer as far as I was concerned. I didn’t think my idea of leaving now would be so bad; Evan would have his bed back. It suddenly disgusted me that I slept where he did. But Akinli’s eyes were pleading. He wouldn’t force it on me, but he’d try to will it into being. How was I supposed to refuse him? I picked up the pen.