I love him. And I want to tell him that. More than anything.
I pushed a button on my iPod, and “King of Rome” started to play again. I closed my eyes, clutching my heart-shaped pillow, trying to recapture the fantasy. This time, it worked.
I spent most of the day listening to that song.
Chapter 31
DAY 43
JOSHUA
I'd hoped for sun, and gotten nothing but rain for two straight days. Naturally. Tuesday morning's bus ride through the rain-soaked streets hadn't dampened my spirits, however. I made only small talk with Eve and Kelsey, thankful that I'd only have to keep my enormous secret for a few more hours.
It was still pouring as I left the cafeteria after lunch. The school policy for bad weather was for all classrooms to be open so the entire student body could stay warm and dry. The playground was a puddle-covered, muddy mess, but I didn't care. I needed privacy today. The bleachers were completely soaked, but thankfully, the dugout in that corner of the field was underneath one of two very large shade trees, so the bench there was still dry.
How ironic it would've been if I'd practiced my romantic speech all weekend only to have the big moment postponed due to bad weather. After about fifteen minutes of waiting, I was ready to give up, but then I saw a familiar lavender jacket and blue jeans emerge from the main building and walk toward the Island. Eve kept her head down, which I figured was just to keep the rain out of her face. As she neared me, however, I could tell something was wrong. She was all hunched over and her shoulders were slumped.
She wordlessly entered the dugout, sat down next to me, uncovered her face, put her arms around my waist and leaned her head on my shoulder, closing her eyes. Her face was wet, and it wasn't from the rain.
I didn't have to ask what had happened. I knew. Only one thing could make Eve that sad. She'd tried once again to patch things up with Emily and Susan, to no avail. Dammit. I put my arm around her. “Rough morning?”
She simply nodded. She already knew that I knew what had happened.
“Did you get to talk to them this time?” I asked.
She shook her head.
I squeezed her shoulder gently. “I'm so sorry.” No reply came.
Inwardly, I cursed. Really? This had to happen today?
She started softly crying. I put my other arm around her and started rocking her gently back and forth. “It's okay,” I whispered. “I've got you.”
After a couple of minutes, the sobs faded away, and we sat there, listening to the rain fall around us. She turned her head to look up at me, and I just smiled. So many things to say … but now wasn't the right time. Maybe tomorrow. Just be patient. She'll say yes, I know she will. But what if she doesn't? What do I …
Her brow furrowed. “What is it?” she asked.
“What's what?” I replied stupidly.
“You want to ask me something.”
I put my hands in my jacket pockets. “I hate that you girls can do that.”
She smirked. “Joshua, you're good at a lot of things. Hiding your thoughts isn't one of them.”
Oh, hell no. She knows. How could she know? She can't read your mind! She doesn't have magical powers! Does she?
As it happens, there was another question that I had for Eve. It was a hard question to ask, but it was necessary. I looked at the ground in front of my feet. “I need to ask you something, Eve. But maybe now is not the time.”
She looked back at the field, toward the buildings, even behind us at the nearby parking lot. There was no one within two hundred yards. “Now's as good a time as any,” she said.
Okay, here goes. “Eve …” I trailed off. This was so much less difficult in my head. “If you had the chance to go back and do the last five months all over again, would you do it?”
Her eyes widened, then narrowed again. “I'm not sure I understand the question.”
“I mean, if you could just erase the last five months … never take Rhonda's offer, never fight with Emily and Susan, make it just like it was before … would you do it?”
She stared into space. “'Before'? You mean, 'before', when I hated your guts?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“'Before', when I took my best friends for granted and didn't have a clue about what was really going on at this school?” Her voice was getting louder, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable.
She was practically shouting now. “'Before', when I was ignorant and naïve and stupid? That 'before'?”
Inwardly, I slapped myself hard. The question had sounded a lot less like an accusation in my bedroom the night before. Expecting the worst, I lowered my head and nodded sheepishly. I'd blown it. The best thing in my life, and I'd blown it.
Painful seconds passed, and I waited for her to speak again. When she didn't, I straightened up and faced her. I was amazed to see that her eyes were neither harsh nor angry, but merely regretful.
“No,” she said softly, her eyes glistening, “I wouldn't do it.”
An immense wave of relief washed over me. I exhaled audibly and cupped my hands behind my head.
“You thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?” she asked.
I nodded slowly. “You scared the crap out of me, actually.”
Her face became serious. “Joshua, if there is one thing I've learned from my mother, it's that you can't hide from your mistakes. You can only learn from them. And if there's one thing I've learned from you,” she said, clasping my hand in hers, “it's that pretending bad things don't happen is no way to live.”
I made a puzzled face. “I taught you that?”
She nodded. “I felt so horrible when I saw you get beaten up right in front of me. Not because I was in with the people doing it, but because I knew it'd been happening for a long time, and I never even gave it a second thought. What kind of person does that?” Eve's eyes glossed over, and she stared into empty space.
It wasn't my wish to make her feel sad or guilty again, so I tried to comfort her. “Everyone does that, Eve.” She turned her head, and our eyes met again. “At first, anyway. When we're little kids, our parents do their best to keep all the bad stuff in the world as far away from us as possible, because we're not grown-up enough to handle it. All the terrible stuff you see on the news, all the pain and suffering that goes on in the world, you can't deal with that when you're that young.”
She sighed. “But then we grow up, and we still refuse to deal with it.”
I put my hand on top of hers. “Eve, everyone has that point in their lives when they have to open their eyes to the harshness of reality. It's usually not by choice. That happened for me three years ago, when the bullying started. I had two options … find a way to deal with it, or let it break me completely. It's scary how close to breaking I actually came.”
She looked thoughtful. “And you've had to sit in class with dozens of kids who haven't stepped over that line yet. Until I stepped over it a few weeks ago, that is.”
I suddenly felt guilty. “You didn't step over that line, Eve, I dragged you over it. And I'm sorry for that.”
“Don't be,” she said, looking thoughtful again. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
“That sounds familiar.”
“It's called 'The Serenity Prayer.' Something I learned a few years ago. It always stuck with me, but I think it's only now that I fully understand it.” She paused. “I've learned a lot in the last few weeks. About myself, and about life. I made some really bad decisions. If I just … erased the last five months, would I be happier? Maybe. But it'd be only a matter of time before I made the same stupid choices.”
She nudged me with her shoulder. “And besides, doing that would mean losing you … which would be another really bad choice.”
One bullet dodged, one more crisis averted. I was so relieved by Eve's honesty that I'd almost forgotten that other question I'd wanted to
ask her. I didn't know how much time we had before the bell rang, so I decided it could wait another day.
No such luck. Eve smiled again, draped her arm around my neck, and leaned in close. “Now … was there something else you wanted to ask me?”
Wait, what? Was that an opening? Oh boy … She DOES know. She's always known. I'd tried so hard to hide it, to cover my tracks, and she'd known the whole time. I'd been so afraid to ask her, dreading even the possibility of rejection … but she knew. And at that moment, the entire amazingly romantic speech I'd prepared the night before got garbled and mangled inside my brain. I could feel the panic rising in my gut.
Gathering myself as best I could, I simply said, “Yes.”
“So ask me,” she said.
“Are you sure?” I replied, hoping to be let off the hook for one more day.
She nodded. “Ask me.”
I closed my eyes, trying to calm my brain down and put all the words I'd memorized back in their proper order. Finally, the connection between my brain and my tongue starting working again.
“Eve,” I said, turning to face her, “I want you to know … how much you mean to me. The last three weeks … have been amazing. I wouldn't trade a single moment I've spent with you for anything.”
Not a bad start, I told myself. But the hardest parts were coming up.
With her eyes intently locked on mine, I continued. “I know that … our lives are so crazy right now. Nothing about any of this,” I gestured toward the school, “is normal. How we met, how we became friends …” I trailed off, watching her face for a response.
She just nodded and smiled, silently mouthing the words, go on.
I could feel my mouth getting drier by the second, so I tried to fight it by talking faster. “I mean, we haven't even been out on a date. I wanted to take you to a movie, or go roller skating, or buy you an ice cream cone, or something like that …” I trailed off again.
Faster, my inner voice said, before you lose your nerve completely! “But you know, every time we've been here, together, on the Island … I kind of count that as a date.” I cocked my head slightly. “Do you think that's silly?”
“Not at all,” she said, still smiling.
Once more into the breach, I thought, remembering that quote from Literature class. Time for the “G” word.
And … go. “I've never had a … a girlfriend before,” I said, a slight tremor entering my voice, “but a small part of me … kind of feels like … you already are. My girlfriend, that is. After all we've been through, you know?”
I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. Almost done, Joshua, just get there already! “I was just wondering if you … felt the same way.” I exhaled deeply, but the knots in my stomach were piling on top of each other.
She nodded, and I could hear her breath quickening. Her smile was even bigger. You got this! She wants you to ask! Finish the damn script already!
“But,” I stammered, “we've never said the words. Out loud, I mean … and you know how important words are to me.” I paused, watching her face. Her gaze had never left mine, and she was now leaning in, ever closer. “I just … kind of need to hear the words, you know?”
Our faces were only inches apart now. “Ask me then,” she said.
Snap. Here comes the finish line. One more sentence and we're done. I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my body. The sound of it beating, combined with my labored breathing and the rain pelting the metal bleachers, was overwhelming my senses. But I'd come too far to stop now.
“Eve …”
She chose that moment to put both her arms around my neck. I'm gonna die. Right now. “Yes, Joshua?” The look in her eyes …
Here goes nothing. “Do you want … er … would you like … to …” I closed my eyes, forcing the last few words out before my heart exploded, “… be … my …”
“Yes,” she said softly.
My eyes snapped open. She was so close to me, I could feel the warmth of her breath on my face. Did I hear that right, or did I just imagine it? I stared at her, my whole body in total gridlock, not even daring to believe that she had actually just said yes.
She tilted my forehead toward hers until they were touching. “Yes,” she said again. “I would love to be your girlfriend.”
She moved her right hand and caressed my cheek. Her hand was so warm and soft, and never did I feel it more than on a cold, rainy day like today. “I am your girlfriend.” In one motion, she placed her palm on the back of my neck and then pulled my lips onto hers.
My first kiss, I realized. I tried to calm my brain down, but it was useless. It was like there was electricity shooting through my body. My glasses had already fogged up. The only part of my brain that was working refused to let me enjoy the new sensation, but rather, made me feel more self-conscious than I'd ever felt before.
Am I doing it right? How long do I let this last? Is that her decision? Do I move my lips around? Am I pressing too hard? Too soft? Oh, God, I bet I totally suck at this …
After what seemed like an eternity, she let go. I was in shock. I was panting like a dog after a three-mile sprint. But my eyes never left hers. She watched me blink them over and over again, all while gasping for air.
“Oh, my God,” she finally said, “Was that your first … kiss?”
I nodded rapidly.
“Ever?”
Again, I could only just nod.
She let go and moved back a short distance, looking away. “I'm so sorry,” she said.
Finally, my voice found its footing again. “No,” I said hurriedly, “It was great.” I knew she was never, ever going to be convinced by this.
“No, it wasn't.” She looked back at me. “A person's first kiss should be special. I sprang it on you, and you weren't ready, and I could feel you tense up as soon as it started.” She looked at the ground. “My first kiss was a joke. A joke on me. A guy who only saw me as a piece of …” She sighed. “What I wouldn't give to get that back.”
“It's okay,” I said, much more convincingly this time. Desperate to get the mood back on the positive side, I took both her hands and inched forward, closing the small distance between us. Our eyes met again. “You … said yes? You really said yes?” I exhaled.
She brought her face in close to mine again and nodded, smiling.
I hadn't imagined it. It had happened. I, the shortest, scrawniest, most unpopular boy in the eighth grade, had done the impossible. I swept Eve into a bear-hug.
If I could have frozen that moment in time for eternity, I would've done it. This amazing, beautiful, sweet, caring, compassionate, flawed, utterly perfect girl and I, sitting on a weather-beaten bench, inside a worn-out kids' baseball dugout, on the corner of a mud-covered playground, in the pouring rain. And it was perfect.
Still locked in the hug, she whispered in my ear, “I've been waiting for you to ask me that.”
I released her, and we faced each other again. “You have?”
She nodded. “What took you so long?”
I took a deep breath. “I … wanted to ask you. I really did. But I was afraid.”
“Why?” she asked.
“You're my best friend. You're my only friend. I knew you liked me, but I didn't …” I paused as a lone raindrop snuck through the leaves and splashed onto my face.
Wiping it away, I continued, “I didn't know if you had … those kinds of feelings for me. I thought that if I … hit on you, you'd see me as … the same as those other guys you went out with. Just another jerk that only cares about what he wants.”
She took my hand. “Joshua, you're not like them. You'll never be like them. That's why I care so much about you.”
I took a deep breath. “It's not because you … feel sorry for me?”
“I do feel sorry for you. Nobody should have to go through what you've gone through. But that's not why we're friends. It's not why I've spent all this time with you.”
She smiled. Her most amazing smile yet.
It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. I was so entranced by it, I found myself unable to respond.
My breath started to quicken. Whether it was the cold or something else, I could feel my body shaking. Finally, I was able to push out a barely audible, “Why, then?”
She put her arms around me again, drawing me close to her. I could see another tear forming at the corner of her eye. She leaned forward until our foreheads were touching again. “Because I love you.”
This was too much for one day. My insides dissolved into a gooey mess, and a blissful haze enveloped my mind. My eyes half-closed, I put my arms back around her waist. “Can we try that kiss again, then?”
I brought my lips to hers, and this time, there were no random thoughts, no tension. I poured all the love I had inside me into that kiss, holding her as tightly as I dared. I don't know how long it lasted, ten seconds, twenty; time lost all meaning. The entire world had faded away, and only the two of us, alone on our Island, existed.
Finally, the kiss ended, and I touched my forehead to hers again. “I love you, too.”
As the words left my mouth, any emotional control I had left vanished. I cried the happiest tears of my life. Eve began to cry too. We just held each other, too drained to speak, until the fifth-period bell rang.
* * *
The rain had finally let up by the time Eve and I boarded the bus. It had been almost impossible to concentrate on Mr. Taylor's lecture. I promised myself I would re-read the chapter that evening, but somehow I doubted I would be any more able to concentrate at home, either. We took our spot in the back, as usual. We wrapped our arms around each other, Eve put her head on my shoulder, and I leaned my head on top of hers. We closed our eyes as we sat there in silence, blissfully replaying the events of our very memorable day in our minds.
Girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. A beautiful girlfriend. Who loves me. I still couldn't believe that I wasn't having some wonderful dream and that any moment someone would come along and wake me from it.
Joshua's Island (James Madison Series Book 1) Page 11