by Charity B.
I pull her hands away and hold them at her sides. “Watch it, Tavin.”
“No, Alexander, please! NO!” She fights me with all her strength and I’m struggling with this decision.
Grabbing her face, I force her to look at the screen. Her little screams pour from the speakers. “You think you wanted this, Tavin? Does it look like you fucking wanted it?”
I’m screaming at her and I know I’m losing my cool as I feel a hand around my arm. Silas jerks me away from her.
“Outside, now,” he grates.
Tears are flooding down her cheeks and she’s shaking while Toben stares at the screen completely blank. Silas and I leave the theater and the screams are silenced once he slams the door. He rarely truly gets mad about anything. It’s even rarer that he gets mad at me, and right now he is boiling.
“What the fucking fuck?! How could you not warn me about that? FUCK!” He’s pacing the floor with balled up fists. “I want to hit you so motherfucking bad right now. How could you do that to her? How could you let her watch that, much less force her! That’s FUCKED UP, Alex!”
My breathing feels shallow. What if he’s right? What if I made things worse? I want to take this all away from her and I don’t know fucking how! I feel so damn helpless.
“I…I don’t know what to do, Silas.” I fall in the seat and I can hear myself get choked up. “She’s broken and I don’t know how to heal her.”
I honestly didn’t even think about him seeing it and now I feel horrible about it. I know what that felt like to watch.
“I’m pretty sure this isn’t how you do it,” he snaps. “You need to get rid of that tape.”
“I can’t. I need it if I ever have a dream of putting Logan away.”
He lets out a harsh breath. “Then use it for that, not to traumatize the girl you say you love.”
I never wanted that and I suddenly don’t want her watching another moment of it. Silas doesn’t follow me back in as I shut off the projector. Her wails replace the screams of her past and I pull her to my chest, so immensely grateful that she allows me.
“Shhh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Lille.” I whisper in her hair, “I just wanted you to know that none of this is your fault, please forgive me.”
She can’t speak as she continues to weep against my chest. Toben hasn’t moved an inch since I started the tape. When he does finally move, it’s to look at me and I can’t place what I see in his eyes.
He comes up behind Tav. “Will you give us a minute?”
I owe them that. I nod to him and leave them alone. I shut the door and pray that I didn’t just do something irreparable.
It was so long ago and yet in this moment, I feel all of the terror, the pain, the confusion, the wretchedness…I feel it all itch its way over my skin until I suffocate with it. The screen is blurry and I still know exactly what’s going on. I want Toben to hold me, I just can’t make myself move to go to him. Why is Alexander making me watch this? I don’t want to! I don’t want to!
The sound suddenly switches off and the screen goes blank and it still doesn’t stop. I can see it and feel it.
Strong arms wrap around me and my mangled body is consumed in warmth. “Shhh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Lille.” His voice calms me even though I don’t understand why he would do this. “I just wanted you to know that none of this is your fault, please forgive me.”
I don’t know what to think or feel other than sad. I can’t quit crying even as the tears soak his shirt against my face.
Toben’s hand spreads across the small of my back as he asks, “Will you give us a minute?”
Lex’s heat leaves me and I feel so cold, but I’m quickly comforted by the only person who has felt what I’ve felt, suffered how I’ve suffered, and bled how I’ve bled. We’ve been through everything together and survived together. It’s only because of him that I lived to be this old. My protector, my best friend, the one who makes me a whole person.
“I forgot how that day made me feel,” he says, as his forehead pushes against mine.
“I didn’t.”
“So much has happened since then…do you still hate him?”
“I…I don’t know…he’s Logan,” I tell him.
More tears fall and he nods at my confession. “I know.”
“I don’t know how to feel about this…I just want to move on, Tobe. I want a different life.”
“Do you want to make him pay? For everything he’s done? Everything he’s taken?”
I shake my head in frustration. I hate not knowing my own emotions. “I don’t know.”
“I do. I want him to suffer. I want to make him feel the pain and fear he’s made us feel for thirteen years.”
He holds me for a long time before he finally says he needs to leave. I hug him and kiss him goodbye, in the basement, so Lex doesn’t have to see. I think it upsets him to see us touch and kiss. I walk him upstairs and I’m able to sneak past the main floor to my room before seeing Alexander.
I’m tired and conflicted. I knew it happened, but time has a way of smoothing things out and making me forget how things really are. The truth is, Logan didn’t take me away from a wonderful life or anything close. In fact, I’m still not completely convinced that my life was any better before he came into it. I was just a different kind of dirty.
Saturday, July 11th
The sun is shining on my skin. I’m safe and warm.
“I love you. I love you.” It rings out over and over. It’s a song on my soul and a whisper in my heart. My body is wrapped in softness. “Lille.”
Lille…
It’s him, he’s here. My light, my sun, my comfort… His fingers are tracing along my face and as I feel them brush over my lashes, I lift them. His face is hard and creased and I reach my hand out to smooth the lines.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
Last night rushes back to the front of my mind. He not only knows, he’s seen it. That’s what changed and that’s how he knew about Kyle. He knows it all and he’s still here with his arms around me. While I’m humiliated that he’s seen the darkest part of my past, at the same time, I feel a knot loosen in my chest. If that didn’t send him running away, nothing will.
Maybe I should be angry at him for keeping this from me and then forcing me to watch. Truthfully though, I’m too relieved at the fact that this is still real to find any anger toward him.
“I forgive you,” I whisper back.
He kisses me slow and long. His fingers caress me softly as they trail down my ribs.
“I want to be good for you. I don’t ever want to hurt you. Tell me you know that.” His voice is still quiet as his erection pushes its way into my body and I gasp at the sudden fullness. “Tell me, please.”
“I know Lex, I trust you.”
He buries his face in my neck and thrusts as deep as he can go. The truth is, what happened on that tape was a lifetime ago, and he’s right, I do feel differently for Logan now than I did that day. He’s the closest thing to a father I have, and in an odd way, that’s how I see him. He fed me, clothed me, cleaned me, and there are times I felt as if he cared for me. He made sure we had everything we needed, while he also took away everything we may have had. Especially Toben. I might not have ever had a normal life, but maybe he could have.
Lex takes my body slowly and for hours. He still feels guilty about last night and I still have a melancholy cloud following me. Watching myself in the past in so much pain, the vague memories, it leaves me a little grimy.
After breakfast, we take Blind Mag for a walk on the beach. The smell of the ocean opens my lungs and loosens my muscles. I think Lex’s legs look really good in shorts and I find myself staring at them as he throws a piece of driftwood for Blind Mag.
I’ve tried not to talk about last night because I can tell he still feels bad, but it’s too much, I want to know.
“Lex? How did you know about the tape?”
He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair lik
e he always does when he’s anxious or stressed. “I went to see your father.” He gives me a sideways glance to see my expression.
“What?” I can’t believe it. “He talked to you?” Lex’s nod is stiff and curt. This is making my heart thump so hard, I can feel it when I touch my chest. “What did he say?”
“He told me about the tapes and where they were. He wants me to use them to put Logan in prison.”
“Why does he want Logan in jail?”
“He said he didn’t kill your mom, that Logan framed him.”
Logan killed Lacie? Why would he do that?
“Wait…you said tapes? There’s more than one?”
He pushes his sunglasses up on his head. “Two.”
Brian’s always hated me and I still wonder if he ever thinks about me. The last time I saw him was the first time he ever called me ‘his’.
“Did he say anything about me?”
Lex looks at me and his eyes are sad. “Tav…I spent ten minutes with him and that was more than enough to know he is a terrible person.”
He is bad and mean, that’s why I don’t understand why I feel this desire to see him. I’ve always known where he is, it’s just the thought of going to see him never occurred to me. I really don’t know why he despises me so much. Why he’s always wished I was dead. There’s a part of me that wants to show him I’m still alive so he can see he didn’t get his wish, even if it’s silly and pointless. The time with him was so long ago I barely remember it. I do remember the constant fear, though. When he was home there was never a reprieve from it. That’s one of the many things Logan gave to me. Six out of the seven days a week, I didn’t have to be scared.
Suddenly, Lex’s arms are around me, lifting me in the air. It makes my tummy flutter and I laugh when he puts me on his shoulders. He starts running down the beach and the wind lifts my hair from my back. Blind Mag runs right next to us and I can feel sprinkles of water getting kicked against my back. This is so fun. It would be so neat to be tall like this all the time. I feel his fingers against my thigh as he holds me tight, but I still wrap my arms around his neck so I don’t fall.
“Whew, I’m exhausted.” He pretends like he can’t stand anymore and he drops us both into the sand.
Blind Mag jumps up on us and tries to lick us clean and it tickles so much I giggle. Lex smiles at me, and even though he’s trying to cover it up, he clearly has a lot on his mind.
“Are you going to do what Brian wants, with the tapes?”
He pulls me into his lap. “With the way technology is now, it’s too easy to fake something like that. I honestly don’t think they’ll be enough on their own.” His hand reaches to my foot, softly touching the missing piece. “Do you remember what happened with this?”
“I don’t have an actual memory of it, no.” I try really hard not to think of this stuff, so I dig around in my memories for details. “Toben once told me that Logan cut the piece out and put it in a locket.”
I feel his warm breath against my neck when he murmurs, “Do you know where the locket is?”
“No…would that help?”
He softly laughs, “Oh, that would definitely help. As far as I know, there is no way to fake DNA. With the tapes and the locket, I think that would be enough to put him away for life. No matter how big his team of attorneys is.”
I wish I could help him. The idea of Logan being locked in a cage and not being able to get Toben, me, or anyone else…it’s so perfect. I want that so much, and if anyone can do it, it’s Lex.
Alexander said he had to do some work in his office, so Blind Mag and I decide to paint our nails and listen to music. It takes a long time because I have to make sure each of her nails is dry before I paint the next one or else she will mess it all up. I think it’s worth it because she’s adorable with her pink and blue nails. I finish her off with a ribbon around her neck and she looks so perfect I have to kiss her.
“Wait till Lex sees how pretty you are!” She gets on her hind legs, twirling in a circle and I laugh at her. “Such a good dancer, too.”
Toben’s ringtone, I Miss You, jumps from my phone. I roll over on the bed and get it from the dresser.
“Hey, Tobe.”
“Hey, Love. I’m about to walk into a playdate, but we need to talk about Logan. Can you meet me somewhere tomorrow?”
“Yeah, just text me. Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know about okay. It’s much clearer though, that’s for fucking sure. I gotta go. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I don’t have any idea what we could possibly talk about when it comes to Logan, that we haven’t already discussed a thousand times. Whatever it is, it’s clearly important or else we would just talk about it over the phone.
I need to figure out a way to get Alexander to let me meet Toben alone because whatever he wants to tell me, I doubt he would want to do it in front of Timothy.
It’s pretty late by the time Lex finishes his work. Blind Mag and I are cuddled in bed while I play on the computer he lets me use. He climbs under the sheets and his fingers trail up my thigh.
“What are you watching?”
I turn the screen to show him the video of a kitten with an ice cream tub on his head and it’s still so funny I can’t stop laughing. “He keeps bumping into things. He can take it off, he just doesn’t want to because of the ice cream.”
He laughs and kisses my head. “You discovered cat videos, huh?”
“Oh, watch this one!”
We watch a few videos before he talks again. “So, Benny’s Boxing Gym holds self-defense classes a few times a week, and I was thinking if it would be something you’d like to do, I could enroll you.”
I hate not knowing what things are. It makes me feel dumb. “I don’t know what that is.”
“It teaches you to be able to protect yourself. There are tricks and techniques you can learn that can help you get away if anyone tries to hurt you.”
Being able to protect myself and not have to depend on Lex, or Timothy, or someone else to do it, sounds exactly like something I would want. I like that he wants me to be able to take care of myself and I love that he believes I can. I grin at him and nod. “That’s sounds fun.”
“Perfect. I’ll get you enrolled this week.” He adjusts the pillows behind him. “Oh, and Timothy called me tonight. Apparently, Todd’s out of town for a few days and I guess he’s feeling a little lonely because he wants to hang out tomorrow.”
I almost clap my hands with how perfect this is. If he and Timothy are together then neither of them can come with me to meet Toben. He has to give me one night without a babysitter.
“That’s funny because Toben wants me to hang out tomorrow.”
He tilts his head and gives me a don’t-make-me-the-bad-guy look. “Tavin, the last time you went out with him you saw Logan, I don’t think you guys should be out alone right now.”
“Come on, Lex, please? Toben and I haven’t spent any time with only each other, in ages. We’ll be fine. We won’t go anywhere Logan will be, okay?”
He sighs and brings me to his chest. “Fine. You’re probably right.”
Sunday, July 12th
Toben wants to meet at our favorite burger place, Fly Guy’s Burgers and Fries. As I walk in, I see him waving me over to a table. There’s a chocolate strawberry shake waiting for me and I grab it before I sit.
He leans over and kisses me. “I ordered our usual.”
Dang, he looks really strung out, even for him.
“Thanks…so what’s this about?”
He straightens his beanie and puts his elbows on the table. “I want you to know how sorry I am, Love.”
I take a big drink of my shake. “For what?”
“For letting Logan do this to us.”
He can be kind of emotional sometimes, when he gets really high. I reach out for his hand.
“What are you talking about? You know as well as I do, there’s no way to fight him.”
“He’s a human being, Tav. He isn’t immortal. He can die just like everyone else.”
I pull away from him as my heart drops to my stomach. “What are you saying?”
A number is announced over the intercom and Toben stands up. “That’s ours. I’ll be right back.”
He can’t be talking about what I think he’s talking about. I know Logan has done terrible and horrible things to us, but Toben isn’t a killer. He’s just upset. My leg shakes as I wait for him to come back and tell me what’s going on in his head.
Carrying the tray with our food, he returns to our table and hands me my fries.
“Here you go. And I got tons of ketchup.”
I wait for him to sit before I push for him to tell me what he means. “Toben, what are you thinking?”
He dips a fry in his shake and pops it in his mouth. “I’m not thinking anything. I’ve made up my mind.”
I copy him because shakes and fries together are one of the best combinations ever. “About what?”
“I’m going to kill Logan.”
WELL, TIMOTHY LOOKS LIKE SHIT. I realize Todd is out of town, so I guess there’s no reason to dress nice, but Jesus Christ. I step back to let him in and walk back to the kitchen.
“You wanna beer?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Sure.”
Blind Mag’s collar jingles somewhere in the room as I open the fridge. “So, when does Todd get back?”
He slides onto a bar stool, resting his massive forearms on the edge of the island. “A couple of days.”
Kicking the refrigerator door closed, I hand him his beer and twist the top off mine. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, I’m glad you asked me, it’s only…do you not have friends to keep you company?”
“I do. They’re all couples though. It feels weird when I’m by myself.” I nod to him because I get that. “Where’s Tavin?”
“I decided to loosen up and let her go out with Toben alone. I still want you here when I’m at work, at least for a while, I figure letting her spend some time with her friends alone has to happen at some point.” He’s quieter than usual as he nods and drinks his beer. “Are you wanting to go out, or would you rather stay here?”