by Will Pearson
CHEMISTS
(specifically, the cockiest one we could find)
USEFUL FOR: book reports, science fairs, and chatting up scientists at science fairs
KEYWORDS: chemistry, modesty, or the periodic table
THE FACT: While Antoine-Laurent Lavoisier was the father of modern chemistry, he certainly wasn’t the father of modest chemistry.
A buckshot Antoine once said, “I am young and avid for glory.” His contributions no doubt precede him, including lighting the streets of Paris and establishing the law of conservation of mass. And though he often took too much credit for the ideas of others, his own contributions have lasted (he named oxygen and hydrogen—beat that!). Like all scientists, Lavoisier ran into some funding problems, so against the advice of his friends, he took a job as farmer-general (tax collector). That was his first mistake. His second was blackballing Jean-Paul Marat from the Academy of Sciences. During the French Revolution, the combination of Lavoisier’s status as a tax collector for the government and Marat’s influence landed Lavoisier at the guillotine. He supposedly begged for a few weeks to finish his experiments. Motion denied. Lavoisier was beheaded.
instant personalities
JACK KEROUAC skipped his high school graduation to sit in the sun and read Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass.
Jazz legend LOUIS ARMSTRONG got his first Christmas tree at age 40, and liked it so much he took it on tour with him (for several months).
ALBERT EINSTEIN expressed little interest in improving his unruly appearance and was once mistaken for a staff electrician at a royal reception.
CHEWING GUM
USEFUL FOR: chatting with recent ex-smokers, four out of five dentists, and Violet “I Want It NOW” Beauregarde
KEYWORDS: Chiclets, Wrigley’s, or Bazooka Joe
THE FACT: While you could thank Thomas Adams for that wad of mush you’ve been chewing now for 11 hours straight, you should also probably thank Santa Ana.
While Thomas Adams was the guy who turned what was essentially rubber into a mass-marketed foodstuff, he couldn’t have done it without Texas villain Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana (yes, that Santa Ana). Exiled from Mexico in the late 1860s, Santa Ana moved to Staten Island, bringing with him some chicle, the gummy resin of the sapodilla tree. Chewing chicle was popular in Mexico, and Santa Ana introduced the pastime to some of his new American pals, including Thomas Adams. Adams wasn’t the first to patent chewing gum, but he was the first to popularize it on a grand scale. Thanks to brilliant ideas such as the gumball, the gumball machine, and flavored gum, he successfully turned chicle into a multimillion-dollar business and, as some janitors would have you believe, the scourge of the earth.
CLAMS
(as in the very happiest ones around)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, clam digs, and joking with psychiatrists
KEYWORDS: clams, Prozac, and other antidepressants
THE FACT: Everyone’s heard the expression, but what happens when you try to squeeze a few extra smiles out of bivalves via some drugs?
Believe it or not, Gettysburg College researcher Peter Fong decided to dope up his subjects, fingernail clams, by putting them on antidepressants. And while the phrase “happy as a clam” didn’t exactly originate with Fong’s research, his unique Prozac prescription has kick-started their social lives. Prozac decreases the uptake of serotonin, making more of the neurosecretion available to the nervous system. In the bivalves’ case, this led to an overwhelming urge for synchronous spawning—a boon both for clam farmers and gawky teenage clams alike.
CLICHÉS
(of a Nicaraguan sort)
USEFUL FOR: planning your itinerary, chatting up Latin Americans, and spotting a Nicaraguan Studies major from a fake
KEYWORDS: stereotypes, Nicaragua, or Mosquito Coast
THE FACT: If you’re visiting Nicaragua and worried about having to brush up on all your high school Spanish, quit your worrying. Play your cards right and you can get by on English alone.
It’s true. Just visit the Caribbean shore of Nicaragua—the idyllically named “Mosquito Coast”—and you’ll find that English, Caribbean style, is the dominant tongue. And while it’s a legacy of the days of British imperialism, the Nicaraguans are really fond of it. (Even Colombia has an English-speaking zone in the nearby islands of San Andres and Providencia.) In the 1980s, for example, the nation’s leftist Sandinista rulers discovered to their chagrin just how deeply entrenched their country’s cultural divide was. When they tried to root out English as the “language of imperialism,” the people of the Caribbean coast quickly rose up in rebellion. We’re guessing they only love the language that much because no one’s ever forced them to diagram a sentence.
COCKROACHES
(and some serious animal magnetism)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, impressing your biology teacher, perhaps even dating said biology teacher
KEYWORDS: too young, too old, too fat, or too bald
THE FACT: Not unlike some of the divorcées in your neighborhood, female cockroaches actually lower their dating standards when they start feeling old.
It’s true. British scientists at the University of Manchester have determined that female cockroaches will lower their standards for a mate as their biological breeding clock begins to tick. By looking at the amount of wooing required of a cockroach male (similar to what’s observed on college campuses worldwide), the researchers documented that females became less selective as their reproductive potential decreased. Males, however, seemed to show no difference in mating practices related to the female cockroach’s age. Sound familiar?
COFFEE
USEFUL FOR: after-dinner conversation, impressing lit majors, chatting up anyone who really loves their Joe
KEYWORDS: Starbucks, Maxwell House, Taster’s Choice, etc.
THE FACT: No matter how much you need your morning jolt of caffeine, Balzac needed his more.
“Coffee is a great power in my life,” the French writer said in his essay “The Pleasures and Pains of Coffee.” “I have observed its effects on an epic scale.” The thing is, he wasn’t kidding. Balzac consumed as many as 50 cups of strong Turkish coffee per day, and we’re talking about the days before indoor plumbing! Of course, he was no slouch at eating, either. At one meal old Balzac was reported to have eaten 100 oysters, 12 mutton cutlets, a duck, two partridges, and some fish, along with desserts, fruits, and wine. But coffee was clearly his passion, and he was faithful to the end. When Balzac couldn’t get it strong enough, the addict was known to down pulverized coffee beans to get the kick he needed. This produced two results: Balzac was an incredibly energetic and prolific writer, writing more than 100 novels. He also died of caffeine poisoning at the age of 51.
CONDIMENTS
(Eskimo style)
USEFUL FOR: when you’re out of ketchup and no one wants to run to the store
KEYWORDS: seal, oil, or do you want any sauce with that?
THE FACT: Forget ketchup and salsa, Inuits (often called “Eskimos”) consider raw seal oil the king of all condiments.
In fact, the Inuits are quite happy to slather the excellent sauce on baked salmon, sheefish, whitefish, caribou, moose, and anything else you can catch up north. Inuits also like their seal oil on “frozen-raw” moose or caribou and fish. So what’s the secret to this not-so-secret sauce? The oil is produced by cutting up freshly slaughtered seal blubber into chunks and leaving them outside in a bucket for five days, stirring occasionally, until the blubber naturally renders and becomes oil. An adult seal produces about 5 gallons of usable seal oil. Once ready, just add A-1 or Tabasco to taste (really)!
CONDUCTORS
(as in the first guy to die wielding a baton)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, classical performances, and just in case you ever happen to be stuck in an elevator with Zubin Mehta
KEYWORDS: orchestra, conductors, or “the Meistro”
THE FACT: Believe it or not, the very first orchestra conductor died i
n the act (of conducting).
Jean-Baptiste Lully (1632–1687) was the first documented conductor. Before him, most musical groups followed their first violinist or their keyboard player. Lully was the first musician ever to use a baton. However, his “baton” was a heavy staff, six feet long, which he pounded on the ground in time to the music. Unfortunately, this staff proved to be his undoing. One day, while merrily beating time (in a concert to celebrate Louis XIV’s return to health), he stuck the staff into his foot by mistake. He developed gangrene and died. Not a good role model for conductors worldwide.
CROSSED EYES
(and the philosopher who loved ’em)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, academic gatherings, convincing your pal there’s probably someone out there that’ll find ’em attractive (don’t make any promises)
KEYWORDS: free will, philosophy, Descartes, or really bizarre fantasy
THE FACT: Father of Modern Philosophy and smooth operator René “I Think Therefore I Am” Descartes liked his women cross-eyed.
It’s true. Apparently, old René had a thing for cross-eyed women thanks to a childhood fascination with a cross-eyed playmate. And as if the fact weren’t strange enough, the case might be the only example of a sexual fetish changing the history of Western thought. As he describes in the Principles of Philosophy, after working hard at it for a while Descartes was finally able to condition his body to find straight-eyed women attractive (good for Descartes, maybe, but a disaster for the hard-up, cross-eyed ladies of Europe). But it was actually this experience that led him to believe in free will and helped him come to the conclusion that the mind can control the body’s impulses.
CRUISE CONTROL
(and the blind guy who invented it)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, dates, chatting up engineers, and actually impressing just about anyone
KEYWORDS: Helen Keller, speeding tickets, or motion sickness
THE FACT: You know that gadget that keeps your lead foot from giving you a ticket? Well, it was invented by a blind guy.
Seriously! His name’s Ralph Teetor, and he was blinded in a shop accident at age five, but apparently harbored no resentment for sharp tools. In fact, he went on to attend college and became one of the most respected mechanical engineers of his era. While Teetor was responsible for a lot of vehicular improvements, including automatic transmission, he’s best known for making it possible for even leadfoots to stick to one speed. Apparently, inspiration struck during World War II, when the government set a 35 mph speed limit to conserve gas and tires. The inventor came up with a device that could regulate car speed without the driver touching the gas pedal. After a few tweaks and many dubious names (including “controlomatic” and “speedostat”), cruise control premiered in select 1958 Chrysler models. It soon became an $86 option known as “autopilot.”
CRUSADES
(how to wipe your sin slate clean)
USEFUL FOR: stirring up philosophical discussion, impressing academics, and chatting up anyone trying to incite religious wars (not that you should know such people)
KEYWORDS: holy war, holy crusade, or holy crap
THE FACT: By the 11th century, the Christian Church was split into eastern and western factions, and the holy city of Jerusalem had been under control of the Muslims for a couple hundred years. That is, until Pope Urban II had a big idea.
In 1095, Pope Urban II summoned clergy and nobles to a council in the village of Clermont in central France. After listing a number of alleged atrocities on eastern Christians by the Muslims and arguing the need to recapture Jerusalem, the pope cajoled the crowd into taking up arms against the so-called heathens. And with a flair for the dramatic, the pope stated that “God wills it.” Of course, Urban did come up with a clever scheme for paying the warriors. For going to the Holy Land and fighting the Muslims, crusaders were offered a heck of a deal: Not only would their past sins be forgiven, but present and future ones as well! With free passes to heaven on the horizon, armies of crusaders stormed toward the Holy Land, changing the region forever.
D-DAY
(or nap time for Hitler in Germany)
USEFUL FOR: impressing history buffs, irritating fans of afternoon slumber, and spurring discussions on the demise of Nazi Germany
KEYWORDS: World War II, drowsy, or nap time
THE FACT: The weather seemed too rough over the English Channel the evening of June 5, 1944, to launch the greatest military invasion in history. So Adolf Hitler figured “What the heck, I’m going to bed.”
Der Führer took a sleeping pill and left orders not to be disturbed. Big mistake on old Adolf’s part: D-day was several hours into effect before aides got the courage to wake Hitler up to get his permission to mobilize needed troops and equipment. Even then, the dictator dallied. He had tea, took a nap, and met with the premier of Hungary. Finally, about 5 P.M. on June 6, he issued orders, mostly bad ones, that kept German generals from being able to move reinforcements to the invasion area. Good thing for the Allies that he woke up.
DALI
(and his surrealist tricks)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, chatting up struggling artists, and anyone carrying a pan and a spoon
KEYWORDS: Dali, surrealism, or napping
THE FACT: Who knew Dali’s greatest creative moments were inspired by a little interrupted sleep?
Salvador Dali, the Spanish surrealist painter, arrived at the startling images of his most productive period—between 1929 and 1937—using what he called the “paranoiac-critical method.” Apparently, this involved fishing “delirious associations and interpretations” out of his unconscious. It’s less than clear how he accomplished this, but he used no intoxicants. “I don’t do drugs,” he once said. “I am drugs.” Dali wasn’t above manipulating his consciousness in other ways, though. He reportedly took odd little cat naps that brought him right to the edge of deep sleep, but then jerked himself out of it. His method was simple: Seated in an armchair, Dali held a metal spoon in one hand. Then next to his chair, he placed a metal pan. He’d quickly nod off, and as soon as he was relaxed enough to let go of the spoon, it would fall against the pan. The sudden clang waking him up, Dali was immediately reacquainted with his subconscious and went back to work.
DEADBEAT DAD
(and a repeat offender at that)
USEFUL FOR: cocktail parties, barroom banter, chatting up anyone from a big family
KEYWORDS: fertility, virility, or Viagra
THE FACT: How many Polish kings does it take to father an estimated 365 illegitimate children? Just one.
That king is Frederick Augustus of Saxony, better known as August II (“the Strong”), King of Poland (1670–1733). Famous as a man of immense physical strength, unquenchable lust, and, apparently, considerable stamina, they didn’t call old August “strong” for nothin’. The first of his 300-plus love children was Hermann Maurice, Comte de Saxe, a military genius who himself had several illegitimate children. The great female French novelist George Sand is descended from both these men. However, with that many children between them, we probably all are.
instant personalities
TCHAIKOVSKY suffered from a paralyzing fear that his head would fall off his body, and often conducted orchestras with one hand holding his head.
A romantic to the end, the famous T’ang dynasty poet LI PO died when, in a drunken state, he tried to embrace the reflection of the moon in a lake and fell in.
It was often joked that comedian LOU COSTELLO’s house was furnished in “early Universal” as in Universal Studios, because the slightly klepto Costello had a habit of taking home (and keeping) so many props during filming.
DEATH
(by green potato chips)
USEFUL FOR: any gathering where there’s a plateful of chips and a couple of people with working ears
KEYWORDS: heart attack, poison, or party by the chip bowl
THE FACT: We’ve all seen the occasional stray green potato chip lingering strangely among their
crispy golden friends. The question is: Will chowing down on a few really kill you?
Luckily, eating a green potato chip won’t do you harm—eating a ton of those suckers, though, definitely will. Green chips generally come from a potato that grew partially above the ground, where the sunlight makes it produce chlorophyll. These potatoes also create a substance called solanine that is, in fact, toxic and can cause problems. The good news is that you’d have to eat several pounds of the stuff at once to notice any major effect, and if you’re chomping down that many taters, you’ll probably die of a heart attack long before the toxins set in.
DIABETES
(and a poodle’s piddle)
USEFUL FOR: chatting with scientists, breaking the silence after your dog goes on someone else’s lawn, carpet, or doormat