by Abby Stern
Victoria is talking to me but all my mind registers is No! No! No! No! While trying to protect my friend, I just gave her exactly what she wanted.
“No, Victoria, you can’t use this. I was trying to stop you from writing lies. You can’t print that!” I plead.
“Of course I can and I will.” Victoria snickers. “See, I knew you had it in you. I’m glad I gave you the opportunity to save yourself. I wasn’t wrong about you.”
I close my eyes as I realize what she orchestrated. The pressure of being fired combined with what I had thought was admiration for Victoria made me lower my guard, and all the words came tumbling out unchecked.
My body is shaking and I’m dizzy. I have to fix this.
“I won’t go on the record and it will be hearsay and Holiday will sue you. She’s litigious and she can afford the legal fees.”
“Let her. We’ll say that according to our source the information is factual and correct. And we legally don’t have to reveal our sources.”
“It doesn’t matter. She’ll know that it was me. I’m the only one who knows.”
“Oh, Ella, after all of the years you’ve worked in this business you can’t really believe that there’s such a thing as secrets. You should be happy you still have your job.”
I’m not exactly sure how that helps. My best friend’s career is in danger and it’s my fault, which means I will lose my best friend and my home and … Nick! I hadn’t even considered how he’s going to react. I love him so much it’s hard for me to even allow myself to feel it because it’s so great that it scares me. After Ethan and the news about my mom I find some happiness and I have to open my big mouth and burn everything to the ground. This directly affects his client and therefore indirectly affects him, I don’t know if he’ll be able to forgive me. It was an accident, but will that matter? I need to tell him before he hears it from someone else.
I’m not sure if my legs are ready to support the weight of my body after my self-induced trauma, but I know that I can’t stay in this office or this building another minute longer if I ever have any hope of regaining my sanity. I take a breath and gather the strength to get up.
“I’ve gotta go,” I curtly tell Victoria, careful not to look her in the eye because I might throw up if I do. I turn and walk to her door.
“Good job today, Ella,” she says, stopping me in my tracks. This is not a day to be proud of myself and I resent her manipulation tactics to make me try to believe otherwise. I take another breath and quickly walk out.
I don’t know what to do or where to go, and the only thing that makes sense to me is that I need to see Nick. I drive to his office, in an almost catatonic state. Maybe he can help me undo what I did somehow. I ask the receptionist to let him know I’m here. I take a seat on one of the chic off-white Jonathan Adler sofas in the lobby. A minute later, Nick’s assistant, Melanie, arrives to escort me to his office.
“Hi, babe, this is a surprise. What are you doing here?” he asks as I enter his office. He looks incredibly happy to see me and my stomach turns just thinking about what I’m about to say.
“I didn’t know where else to go.” My voice cracks and I can feel the color drain from my face. I suddenly feel cold.
“Honey, is everything okay?” I shake my head no and he gets up from behind his desk to hold me. “What is it? Is it your mom? Is she okay?” All I can think about is how amazing he is and that I’m not ready for us to be over. I’m terrified of how Nick will react when I tell him about what I’ve done.
“It’s not my mom.”
“Good.” He leans against the front of his desk, rubbing my arms, still trying to ascertain why I’m having a meltdown in his office. He cares about me so much.
“I just had a bad day. Work stuff,” I mutter, trying to find the words. “I’m under a lot of pressure.” I can’t hold it together any longer and begin to sob. Nick takes me in his arms again and I know I should but I can’t bring myself to tell him what I did. Not right now. Especially when he’s being so sweet and doing his best to console me. I don’t want him to change the way he sees me and there’s no way it won’t. And maybe by some stroke of luck some secret fairy godmother will change Victoria’s mind and I won’t have to confess or maybe I can still fix it somehow.
“It’s going to be okay. Come over tonight. We’ll get takeout and have a night in together. Okay?” I nod. He kisses the top of my head. “Babe, I hate to do this but I have to run to a meeting with a client. I’ll see you in a few hours. Okay?”
“Yeah.” I sniffle.
“Whatever it is, I promise you’ll feel better later. Give it some time.” He kisses me again.
* * *
I do not feel better that night. I can’t help but let my mind spiral out of control wondering how he will react when I confess what I’ve done.
“Is there anything I can do?” he asks. His desire to make me feel better makes me feel worse.
“No,” I tell him. My entire body is numb. I can’t taste any of the Sugarfish Trust Me sushi he had delivered, which is usually my go-to comfort food. I can’t laugh at any jokes when we watch TV, even though I’d give anything to laugh. The bath that Nick draws for me to help alleviate my stress makes me feel like I’m sitting in a pool of my own filth instead of relaxing at a spa. When it’s time for bed he kisses me good night. I try to sleep but it’s useless. I lie in bed next to Nick and as I watch, the minutes tick by on the clock. At 6 A.M. I grab my phone from Nick’s nightstand to see if The Life posted the Holiday exclusive. I pray that another scandal broke out and Holiday’s will be null and void, but the minute my hand touches the phone I get a breaking news alert, “British Heiress Turned Hollywood It Girl’s Affair with Married Director—Now Dating Costar.” And of course the subheading: “Was there a secret love child?”
I feel a panic attack coming so I slip out of bed and take my phone into the bathroom. I dial my mom, ready to spill the whole story and for her to give me some kind of reassurance that I haven’t screwed up my entire life but Robin answers her phone.
“Hello?”
I can’t respond. My judgmental sister is the last person that will give me any comfort right now.
“Hello? Ella?”
I hang up. I return to bed and I’m shaking. Nick rolls over to spoon me but I stop him. He lets out a moan. He tries again to spoon me and I push him away.
“El, come here,” he mutters, reaching for me with his arm.
“I can’t.” I have to do it now. I think my skin will jump off my body if I don’t. “Nick, wake up. I need you to wake up.” I poke him. He rolls the opposite way and his back is now facing me. “Come on, I’m serious.”
“Babe, it’s too early for this. Come back to bed.”
I shove my phone in front of his face. “Read this!” I shrink into the mattress as his eyes adjust and he digests the words.
“What did you do?” I’ve never heard him say anything with vitriol … until now. He continues to read the story. “Why would you do this?”
“I didn’t mean to,” I wail.
“You’re going to have to explain that to me because I don’t understand how you accidentally leaked a story like this about your best friend.”
I try to gather the words but my sobs are turning into dry heaves and I begin rambling. “Victoria got me all riled up and told me she was going to fire me for being kicked out of the Chateau and then—”
“Wait, you got kicked out of the Chateau?” He’s taken by surprise.
“Yes, and she was threatening that she was going to fire me because I wasn’t getting her any exclusive gossip. Then she showed me a photo she got from a red-light camera of me and Holiday, and Holiday was holding a pregnancy test. She told me to give her the story behind it and after I said no she said she’d have to run whatever she thinks the story is, and her made-up version was so horrible and inaccurate I blurted out the truth in a panic, trying to defend Holiday.” I throw my face into a pillow. I can’t bear to look a
t him or even worse, have him look at me.
“So the story they printed is true?”
I nod yes with my face still stuck in the pillow.
“And no one thought to tell me that my client might either A, be pregnant, or B, could have a huge problem with both her director and costar?”
I turn my head, keeping my left cheek planted in the pillow. “She asked me not to say anything to you,” I tell him. “I was trying to protect my friend’s secret.”
“So it’s okay to tell the national media but not your boyfriend slash her agent?”
“I didn’t mean to tell them! It was a horrible accident,” I insist.
“And after this happened you didn’t tell me so I could help you fix the situation and stop them from running it because why?” he questions.
“I don’t know. I came to your office to tell you and you were so nice to me. I got scared you’d leave me and I couldn’t. I thought I could handle it myself, but it’s Victoria Davis. There’s nothing you could’ve done to stop her,” I say between sobs.
“You don’t know that. I could’ve tried or at least been prepared with a plan for damage control, but now it’s too late.” He’s so incensed I feel like I’m about to see smoke come out of his ears.
“Nick, I’m sorry.” I hang my head in shame. “This is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life,” I add, still crying.
“I don’t even know what to say to you right now, Ella. I was never really a fan of your job but I accepted it because I thought that it was something you did, not who you are. Apparently I was very wrong.” He throws on a T-shirt and sits on the edge of the bed. From behind I can see him squeezing the bridge of his nose, trying to understand what I’m telling him. He shakes his head and stands up, moving toward the bedroom door.
Still holding mine, Nick grabs his phone and rushes into the living room where he opens his laptop and begins setting up his agent triage station. I follow him. “I’m so sorry—”
“I’m going to try to do damage control. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” I’m about to answer when he answers for me. “You just put Holiday’s role and the entire future of Benedict Canyon in jeopardy.”
“How? Isn’t it already picked up?”
“It doesn’t matter. They’ve barely shot anything and don’t have much money invested in it at this point. The network can either replace Holiday or pull the plug and replace the show with one of their other new pilots. They are going to flip out about her being involved in a scandal like this before the show airs and finds an audience. Maybe if this wasn’t her first job and she had a loyal fan base things might be different, but the network is going to be nervous about the majority of the public potentially hating the star of their show that they’re putting a lot of money into.”
“Nick, I don’t know what to say. I’m really sorry.” I move toward him and he flinches away. “If something does happen, you’ll find Holiday another acting job, though, right?”
“You really don’t get it, do you? It’s not just about Holiday or about the other actors. Do you have any idea how many people work on this show that aren’t featured in The Life? Everyone behind the scenes … the writers, the crew that are all counting on having a paycheck to support their families? It’s always about the celebrities with you. All you see is this fantasy that you help build with The Life. These are real people and real lives you’re screwing with.” I don’t know what to say to him. “I don’t have time for this right now. I need to get to work and I need you to leave.” He isn’t asking.
“Nick—”
“Ella, I’m saying it nicely. I don’t want to be an asshole. Please don’t make me be an asshole. Go home.” He extends my iPhone to me. I sheepishly take it.
“Can we talk later?” Maybe once he has the situation under control he’ll calm down.
“I’m not sure how you think a conversation later will be different from the one we’re having now. You betrayed two people you care about.” He looks at me with a contempt that breaks my heart and makes me wish I hadn’t woken up yesterday morning. “Even if you didn’t mean to, you did.” He runs his hand through his hair, like he’s still trying to understand the last five minutes. “Please, leave,” he reiterates as he goes into the bathroom, making sure to lock the door behind him. I don’t bother to get dressed and I throw my jacket on over my nightgown as I gather up the rest of my clothes and put my shoes on, ready to leave, when he pops his head out of the door. “Wait,” he calls out, “does she know?”
“Not yet. I couldn’t bring myself to do it until I was sure they were going to use it. I was praying that someone would announce a split or pregnancy or something and Victoria would forget about it.”
“You need to tell her,” he scolds. “If she hears about this from the media instead of from you, that’s another catastrophe you’ve set into motion.”
“I know. It’s just … this isn’t something you really tell someone over the phone.”
“Well, unless you charter a jet up to the Benedict Canyon set in Canada you’re gonna have to do it on the phone. And I suggest that you do it soon because I need to strategize with her about the collateral damage this is going to cause and there’s no way I’m telling her for you.”
“I’ll call her as soon as I get back to the house,” I promise him.
“You better.”
“Please come by after work tonight. Please,” I beg. He stares at me with the coldest eyes I’ve ever seen—colder than Ethan’s ever were.
“I’ll see.” I walk through the living room and take a mental picture of everything. I don’t need my reporter’s intuition to realize I probably won’t be here again. I notice our picture from the photo booth at Doheny Circle on his fridge. The two people in the photos don’t exist anymore. It’s four quadrants of us snuggling, kissing, smiling, and looking like two people falling in love. I quietly sneak over and slide it from its magnet and place the picture in my purse.
I have no idea how I’m going to tell Holiday. I think that the only thing I can do is tell her exactly like I told Nick. It’s the truth. I’m terrified of how she’s going to react. I know it’s going to change our relationship forever but I hope that there’s still some semblance of a friendship we can repair after I confess.
Despite that trace of hope I know there’s a very real possibility that I could be losing my best friend the next time I unlock my phone. Holiday isn’t even a best friend—she’s like a sister to me. Most of the time she was more of a sister to me than Robin. Robin. Ugh, great. She’s going to have a field day with this when she finds out, which she inevitably will because I’ll have to tell her I’m moving and she’ll ask why. The instant I mention The Life she will refuse to let me explain. Robin will proceed to roll her eyes, and you know how when people make mistakes they tell the people they’ve wronged that no one can punish them or make them feel any worse than they have already made themselves feel? They haven’t met Robin. She has a supreme talent for heightening a person’s guilt, remorse, and self-hatred. Contrary to Robin, I think my mother will be disappointed but understanding. In fact, she will probably try to soothe my broken spirit when right now she should only be concerned with her own well-being.
I arrive at Holiday’s house but the trip home is a blur. I’m consumed with fear but I know that I have no other choice but to make the phone call. The first time I call it rings until I’m sent to voice mail. I try again. Same thing. The third time I try Holiday answers.
“Hello?” She sounds like she’s still half asleep.
“Hey, it’s me.” I pause.
“El, is everything okay?”
Thank god she was still asleep and when she looked at her phone only saw my name on caller ID and not the breaking news alert The Life sent out about her story.
“No. It isn’t, actually.” This sobers her up and I hear in her voice that she’s coming to.
“Are you alright?” she asks.
“Physically I’m fine, yes.
” I pause again.
“What is it then? Your mom? Nick?” I can’t seem to find the words to tell her that I betrayed her. I can’t say them out loud because if I do it makes it real and I will have to live with it forever. I know the story is already online and will now live forever anyway, so my rationale doesn’t make any sense, but my mind is hysterical.
“Go to your computer and check the home page of The Life.”
“Right now? It’s too early for gossip, Ella.” She has no idea how right she is, but she’s about to find out.
“Yes, now.”
“Fine. Give me a second.” I swallow a gulp of air to prepare myself for whatever is about to come next. I wait for Holiday to say something, but there are no audible noises, much less a voice, on her end.
“Holiday?” I finally hear her trying to push her tears back. I’ve never heard Holiday cry like this, even during the pregnancy scare, and it’s a worse sound than I ever could’ve imagined.
“Why would you do this to me?” she screams.
“I’m so sorry, Holiday. You have to know that I didn’t intentionally tell them. Victoria tricked me—”
“No! Don’t you dare. Don’t you bloody motherfucking dare pretend like she’s the villain when it’s you!” she screams. Her words sting and right about now I’m wishing I were a victim recounting my harrowing experience of a near-death attack on Shark Week instead of incurring the wrath that is deservedly coming my way.
“I wish we could talk in person. I want to explain how this happened,” I beg. “I love you, Hol, and I never meant to hurt you. It was a mistake.” She has truly been family to me, and losing her is far worse than losing Nick. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her helping me get back on my feet after the breakup with Ethan, and her antics always help take my mind off my mother and her illness.
“There is no such thing as a mistake, Ella. Do you know what mistakes are? They’re the things we’d do, the choices we’d make, the way we’d act all of the time if there weren’t any consequences,” she lectures. “In this life there are consequences, darling.”