by Jenika Snow
Chapter 20
Nerd sat up in bed, rubbed his hand over his cheek, and felt the several days’ worth of beard that covered his flesh. It had been weeks since he’d seen Hannah, and all he could keep thinking about, seeing in his head, was her getting into Deanna’s car and leaving.
“Fuck,” he said to himself and looked around the room. He didn’t know what time it was but the sun was up and shining through the small window above his bed. He was a fucking wreck, and he didn’t even care who saw him going through hell. He loved Hannah so much, and her leaving, the prospect of her never coming back, had this violent beast rising up. He wanted blood drawn, wanted to destroy shit, and it was all because he was breaking apart inside.
Nerd wasn’t that much of a bad-ass that he couldn’t admit the hole left in him when the woman he loved left. There was a part of him, shortly after she’d gone, that had been pissed at her. How could she just walk away from him, from what they had? Did she not love him the way he loved her?
But after he’d gone through that angry stage he knew she’d done what she had to do to better herself. This wasn’t just about them and their relationship, but about her healing. She’d been through fucking hell before he found her, and even before the cult had gotten her. She’d been a drifter, not knowing where to go or whom to trust. But then that fucking cult had destroyed her and torn her in two when she’d already been so fragile.
Nerd had also questioned whether he’d pushed her too far too fast. She’d said he hadn’t, but maybe deep down in a place she hadn’t even realized, she had felt as though he had?
“Fuck,” he said again and pushed himself off the bed. He grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom. Shutting the door and staring at his reflection, the man that looked back at him looked like he hadn’t slept in a week and had been living off booze.
Dark circles were under his eyes, he had a beard going on, and his hair, although short, was unkempt. Hell, he didn’t give a fuck about how he looked.
“You need to get your shit together, because the road you’re taking is bringing you down,” he said to his reflection. But saying that to himself didn’t change the fact that he wanted Hannah, needed her in his life.
Even weeks later he couldn’t get out of this rut in his life. He hadn’t gotten any information from Deanna where Hannah was, but he wasn’t the type of man to bully or pressure a woman to get information out of her, especially not the Prez’s old lady.
He hadn’t spoken to Weasel since their last fight, and he didn’t know if he ever would. Maybe if Hannah did come back he’d address the fact that whether Weasel had been right or not, the other biker had no room to open his fucking mouth. It hadn’t been up to him to say anything to Hannah.
Nerd had tried looking for her on his own, but he’d come up with nothing. The bus stations wouldn’t tell him if she’d bought a ticket, even when he’d threatened them. And she didn’t know anyone aside from the club that she could have gone to stay with.
He was in the dark, and it was the worst fucking feeling in the world.
He turned from the mirror and started the shower. Before it even warmed up he was in it, letting the frigid water beat down on his back. Bracing a hand on the tile wall in front of him, Nerd closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly. He had to believe Hannah would be back because she loved him too much to stay away.
And when she did come, which he had to keep telling himself, he needed to have his shit together and not be a fucking wreck. He didn’t want her to see him that way. Being strong for her, but also for himself, was what they both needed.
Hannah stared at the sealed envelope in her hand, nervous because she knew where it was going.
“You’re doing really well, Hannah,” Patty said and smiled at her. The other woman held her hand out and Hannah gave her the letter.
Over the last couple of weeks Hannah had learned a lot about herself. She’d been speaking with other people at Patty’s retreat, had been giving herself time to just think and sort things out, and she felt freer. But she also missed Nerd so damn much. She loved him, and walking away had been one of the hardest things she’d done, even after all she’d been through.
The note was just to tell Nerd she was doing well, that she was feeling as if the darkness she’d had inside of her, even some buried too deep for her to control, was going away. She told him she loved him, that she missed him, and not a day went by where she didn’t think about him. She also told him she’d be back, because she would.
She may never be truly healed, would always have her past as part of her life, but Hannah was making progress. She was here, doing this, because she wanted to be a better person and live a better life. She also did this for Nerd, because being with him made her a better person, and in the end being happy was what life was about.
She just hoped Nerd could see that what she’d done hadn’t been because she wanted to go, but because she had to do this not only for herself, but because she wanted to be healthy for him too.
Chapter 21
Weasel watched as Nerd carried mechanical parts that needed to be dumped to the truck, throwing them inside. For the past few months he’d been watching his friend spiral out of control, and even though he didn’t want to do it, he had no choice. No one else could either see nor care to interfere with Hannah and Nerd. Yes, they looked sweet together but he also saw how Hannah cringed away from Nerd. She needed the chance to heal, just as Nerd needed time away from her.
“Do you regret doing what you did?” Demon asked, coming to stand beside him.
“No. It had to be done.”
“He’s not been the same with you.”
“Well, that’s brothers for you. They don’t much care for what is good for them, do they.” Weasel shrugged. “How is Hannah doing?”
“From what Deanna tells me, she’s doing good. She’s getting better, and Patty has nothing but positive things to say.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Just because he’d pointed out the obvious to Hannah, he had hoped she’d take his advice and try to find the path that helped her to heal. Weasel doubted she’d ever be truly whole, but at least she was at a place within herself that was somewhat healed, she was better than what she was.
“He still keeps trying to hit you,” Demon said.
“In his eyes, I took away his girl, and he’s not going to forgive me. I hope when she comes back, he’ll forgive me.”
Weasel had accepted that. Even as Nerd spiraled out of control, Weasel knew he’d done the right thing and didn’t doubt himself for a second.
One of the reasons he was called Weasel was because he was able to weasel his way into situations that were really not his concern.
“I’m going to go out for a ride,” he said.
Grabbing his bike, he straddled his machine, loving the feel of it between his thighs. There was no way he’d ever be able to live without his bike. It was his pride and joy. Turning over the ignition, he fired his beauty up and without looking back, he rode on out of the clubhouse, heading for whatever piece of heaven he could find.
Hannah would be back, he was sure of it. When she did, another brother would be down.
Weasel wouldn’t admit it to his brothers but he was a little jealous of the connections they had all found with their partners. He’d witnessed the lust, followed by the love with Demon and Deanna. Joker’s fight over his feelings for Amy. Steel found his soulmate in Eloise. Then Shakes’ determination to claim Daniella. A woman he should never have gotten close to. Finally, Striker and Elena.
Each couple finding a love that was so strong they had stopped their whoring, drinking, and drugging ways.
Maybe one day, he’d find a woman for himself.
Shaking his head, he charged forward on the open road, looking forward to whatever future lay ahead for him.
Nerd wiped the sweat from his brow as he kept on digging up the turf outside the clubhouse. The back yard needed to be worked, and he’d rather be sweating out
side than in. The club whores seemed determined to get to his dick, and he wasn’t interested in any of them. There was only one woman he wanted, and he’d do anything to be with her. Even if he never got a chance to be inside her, simply holding her was a fucking dream.
Grabbing the shovel, he started to dig up the earth. Last night he’d been flicking through the channels and settled on one about gardening. Yeah, gardening. Years of heavy drinking had messed with his head, seeing as he’d actually sat and watched the damn show. Then, he’d got to thinking. When Hannah finally came back to him, he wanted to show her something that he’d been doing while she was away. Something that could give her peace when she came out into the garden.
“You’re really going to do it?” Striker asked, coming out, holding a glass of lemonade. He’d told all of his brothers what his plan was. Instead of them ribbing him, they had accepted it. Also, he’d told them he was cutting out the drink. Hannah could turn up at any minute, and the last thing he wanted was to be purely dependent on the stuff.
“I’m really doing it. You here to take the piss?”
“Not at all. I think it’s amazing. Elena would like somewhere to go when the parties get a little much. How are you going to do this? You know nothing about gardening.”
“I may or may not have downloaded an entire gardening series, designed for sculpting a garden.”
“Seriously? Have you turned into an old man while I was asleep?”
“Nah, not at all. I’m thinking we can create a path that has flower borders, roses, daisies, along with plants that seem to drape down onto the path. Look, I’ve only watched a couple of episodes. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m heading out to the DIY store. I’m hoping to see what I’m looking for.”
“I’ll help,” Striker said.
“You don’t have to.”
“Hannah could come home any day. Don’t you want to be somewhat finished?”
Nodding reluctantly, he watched as Striker grabbed a shovel and started to dig.
A couple of hours later, Deanna came out, holding Ty in her arms. “Nerd,” she said. “There’s a letter for you.”
Frowning, he stood up and walked over to her. He wasn’t upset with Deanna for not telling him where Hannah was, because he’d come to terms with letting the love of his life find out what she needed in this world. He’d be here when she was ready.
“Is there anything you need?” she asked.
“A drink would be good, for both of us.”
“All right.”
Staring down at the letter, his heart started to pound. He recognized the writing sprawled on the front instantly, and he tore into it.
Dear Nerd,
I know it’s wrong for me to say this, but I miss you so much. I miss you more than anything in the world, which is why I know I need to do this. I need to be whole for you. I know you’re not happy with Weasel for doing what he did, but I am. There was a horrible darkness inside me. It was buried so deep, and it stopped me from being what you need, Nerd. You need a strong woman, a whole woman. I’m healing slowly, and I promise you, I’ll be back to you. Please don’t be angry or sad. I’m coming back. I’m healing the darkness that is there, and even if I’m not truly healed and will always carry the scars of my past, I want to be with you always. I love you so much.
I love you more than anything. I think about you every day, and those thoughts are what drive me. I want you, Nerd. I want to be the woman that sleeps beside you, holds your hand, and doesn’t tense when we make love. I want to be all I can for both of us.
Wait for me, please.
You own my heart.
All my love.
Hannah. X
Yeah, he’d wait for her until the end of fucking time.
Chapter 22
Several more weeks later
Breathing in and out slowly, Hannah focused on the stillness around her, on the fact all she heard were birds chirping, the wind rustling through the trees, and of the steady hum of peace inside of her.
She’d been at the retreat for weeks, and each day she felt herself become a little freer. She felt that pain inside of her start to make way to reasoning, to happiness within herself. She knew she’d never truly be healed, knew she’d always hold the scars of her past, of what she’d experienced deep inside of her. But she’d come to accept that, to accept who she was and what she’d endured.
“How are you feeling today?”
The sound of Patty right behind her had Hannah opening her eyes and turning around. She smiled at the other woman. “I am feeling good, peaceful.”
Patty smiled in return. “Good. I’ve seen a ton of change and growth in you within these few weeks, and I think your progress should be commended.”
Hannah smiled in return. “I never thought I could feel this way about myself and what happened. I just thought I’d always carry that burden with me, and it would inhibit anything I did.”
Patty came up to her and patted Hannah’s shoulder. “The rest of your life will be about continuing to heal. Even decades later you’ll still have that internal scar of what you went through, but you’ll be able to live with it, to be happy, and not let that darkness invade you.”
For the first time in her life Hannah felt the truth in that.
“I think your time here has come to an end.” Patty smiled. “I think this chapter in our life is closing, and now you’re able to go home and expand on your happiness.”
Home. That was where Nerd was. She felt that so far inside of her she knew it would never go away.
“Let’s close out this day with a group talk, have a wonderful dinner with everyone who’s shared your journey thus far, and tomorrow you can go back to the man you love and show him how happy you truly are.” Patty smiled and warmth filled Hannah.
Yes, she felt it was time for her to go back, to be with Nerd. She just hoped he had waited for her, even if he didn’t have to. She didn’t even know if he’d gotten her letter, because since coming to the retreat she hadn’t spoken to anyone, not even Deanna. The solitude from the outside world was what she’d needed, the talks, and the acceptance from everyone around her who had helped her to come to this point in her life. But she couldn’t stay here forever and didn’t want to. She needed to leave and continue to grow and heal as a person, but she wanted to do that with Nerd by her side.
The garden Nerd had built had been done for the last week, but he kept finding little things to correct, thing he wanted just right and perfect for when Hannah came back.
God, it might be an eternity before she returns to me.
It certainly felt like an eternity already.
He took a step back and looked at what he’d accomplished with the club’s help. He didn’t need to do this task alone, not when the club was his life, his family. They’d been there for him, made him a better person, and would always accept his faults. But they couldn’t make him whole, not in the way Hannah could.
And that’s why he’d wait until the end of fucking time for her to come back to him, because no one else compared to her.
And no one ever will.
He wiped the sweat from his brow, set the shovel aside, and was about to head back into the club when he heard the gates at the front start to open and a car approach. Turning and lifting his arm to block the sun’s glare from his eyes, he saw it was a taxi. The reaction was instant, and his heart started to race. When the taxi came to a stop just twenty feet from where he stood, he stared at the back doors, waiting to see who would emerge.
I know who I hope it is.
His heart was in his throat, and his hands were in tight fists at his sides. And then the back door opened and the only person he would ever love stepped out.
The first thing he realized was how healthy she looked. Hannah had looked good before, but now she had this glow to her. Everything about him screamed to go to her, to hold her and kiss her senseless. But he stayed back, waiting for her to come to him. Their gazes locked, and then she
moved toward him.
His heart started pounding harder, and everything inside of him came alive. God, he’d missed her so fucking much.
She stopped in front of him, and for long seconds they just stared at each other. Nerd couldn’t even find a voice at this moment, didn’t even know what to say. She was like the tallest, coldest glass of water, and he was dying of thirst. And then, without thinking about it, he reached out and pulled her against the hardness of his chest. She rested her head right over his heart, and he closed his eyes, feeling so damn good and knowing this was exactly where he was supposed to be, with her, always.
Chapter 23
There was no judging, nothing. Nerd wrapped his arms around her, and Hannah knew she had come home. She was where she needed to be.
“I missed you so much,” she said, lifting her head up.
He cupped her cheek, smiling down at her. His fingers moved her hair out of the way, showing off her teardrop earring. “You’ve changed.”
She stepped back but still held his hand. Wearing a leather jacket, some jeans, a tight black shirt, and a pair of heels, she gave him a little twirl, holding his hand above her head so she didn’t have to let him go. “What do you think?”
“You’re as beautiful as ever.”
“I’ve changed but I’m not different.” She chuckled. “I hope that makes sense. I’m the same person I’ve always been. Just a little more healed and a little less broken.” Stepping toward him. “And I’ve been dreaming of this moment for as long as I can remember.” She cupped his face and stood on her tiptoes, pressing her lips against his. Moaning, she closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of his own hands sinking into her hair and holding her close.