As in, I’m attracted to her.
There. I admitted it.
But.
Isn’t there always a but?
I am not good enough for her. I will only disappoint her in the end. What I want, she can’t give me. She’ll get too involved, because she cares too much, which is one of her best traits. And while I will do whatever I can to help her, to be there for her, to be her friend, that’s all I can do.
I realized this last night, after I went home and jerked off in the shower to thoughts of fucking Ellie in the back seat of my car. I don’t know what possessed me to say those things to her. To touch her like that. It’s been a while since I’ve had sex. I need to rectify that.
I need to get laid.
Watching her talk to Carson just now, though, did something to me. Twisted me up inside. Filled me with this weird, unfamiliar sensation that I can’t quite describe.
I think it’s jealousy.
I turn around on the barstool and watch her blatantly flirt with Carson. Well, as blatant as Ellie can be. She’s not that great at it. This is why guys treat her as a friend. She’s cute, but she’s not particularly flirty. She’s nice. Sweet.
Damn it, she’s beautiful and even though her T-shirt is stained and her hair is a bit of a mess, she’s got denim shorts on that make her legs look endless and I wonder what they would feel like circled around my hips while I drove myself into her…
I snap to attention when she makes her way over to the bar area. Turn around on my stool so I’m facing Chuck once more.
“You playing this weekend?” he asks me.
“I hope so,” I tell him. “Though I’m more of a pro-benchwarmer right now.”
Chuck laughs. “You’ll eventually get your chance.”
“Sure.” I sound doubtful because I am. Feels like I will never get my chance, which I’m okay with because swear to God, right now it feels like being on the football team is a break from real life. From making decisions that only involve me.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up. I can smell Ellie. Her delectable, unique scent. I can also feel her anger. It’s a palpable thing. Aimed straight at me.
“Putting some of my tips to use, huh?”
The words fall out of me before I can even think.
She comes to a complete stop, glaring at me. “What do you mean?”
“Flirting it up with ol’ Carson over there. How convenient that he showed up tonight,” I mutter.
Ellie comes right up to the bar, standing to my left. I glance up at her, noting the shrewd look on her face. I think she has me all figured out.
Fuck, I hope not.
“Didn’t expect you to show up either,” she says.
I lift a brow. “I am your ride, after all.”
“You’re early.”
“I wanted to chat up Chuck.” I wave a hand toward him. He laughs.
“Right.” She draws the word out, like she doesn’t believe me.
This is the game we’re currently playing. We’re lying to each other. I’d bet major money that she hasn’t kissed three other guys. The story about making out and getting felt up with the fictional Justin?
All bullshit.
Gave me the excuse to feel her up though. Her tit fit perfectly in the palm of my hand. She shivered when I kissed her neck, and slowly but surely melted beneath me.
I’d also bet major money that it would be good with her. I could make her come easily with a few strokes of my fingers. What would she do if I put my mouth on her? Damn, what would she look like on her knees in front of me, her mouth stuffed full of my cock? Holy shit, that would be a sight to—
“Have fun talking to Chuck,” she says to me. “I still have a least an hour left before I can clock out.”
She walks away and I watch her go, appreciating the little twitch her butt makes with her every step.
“She’s a good girl,” Chuck says once she’s out of earshot.
“Yeah, she is,” I say miserably as I turn to face him once more.
“Your friend?”
I nod.
“She wants more though?”
I nod again.
“If she were my daughter, I’d tell you to stay the fuck away from her,” Chuck says, not holding back whatsoever.
“I get it,” I say morosely. What he speaks is the truth.
Ellie should stay the fuck away from me.
“She’s the type who goes all in. You’d probably break her heart,” he continues.
“I know.”
“She’s also the type who’d do her damnedest to please you for the rest of your life. Which would have you wanting to do the same, just to earn that sweet smile of hers again and again,” he speculates.
“You’re probably right.” There are girls you fuck around with and girls you revere and put on a pedestal, because you know they’re not built for that.
And that’s Ellie. She’s not the girl you have a casual thing with. She feels too much. She’d fall too hard.
“Don’t mess with her head,” Chuck says, his voice stern, reminding me of my father. “Don’t be telling her you want something more when you don’t.”
“Relax. I’ve got it under control,” I say, flashing him a smile.
He scowls at me in return.
Guess that charming smile only works on the ladies, not middle-aged bartenders who know what I’m all about.
I turn and watch Ellie unabashedly as she works. Carson and his friend eventually leave, and of course, Ellie talks to them before they go, but they’re too far away so I can’t hear what they say. She watches them go, a wistful look on her face and I remember when she used to look like that over me.
Seeing her face, watching her with that Carson dude, reiterates what I already know.
I messed up with Ellie. Big time.
The front doors are eventually locked and the open sign turned off. Management lets me stay because Chuck vouches for me. I keep out of the way as the remaining employees wipe everything down. Ellie and another girl hurriedly mop the floor—what a shit job. Chuck does a thorough clean-up of his bar space.
I sit there like a prince and watch the servants work, like the spoiled brat I truly am. I’ve never had to hold down a job such as this in my life. I worked the dock at one of the resorts on the lake back home the summer between my junior and senior year, but that wasn’t hard work at all. I was taking in boats and flirting with old ladies and getting tips. Working with a couple of guys who turned into my friends, having the best summer ever. I was tan as fuck and looking good. By the time I arrived at school my senior year, girls were literally falling at my feet.
It was a good time.
Around ten, Ellie is finally ready to go.
“I clocked out. You ready?” she asks as she approaches me.
Nodding, I slide off the barstool and leave a ten-dollar bill in the tip jar for Chuck. “Let’s do this,” I tell her.
We walk out into the arid night, the heat still lingering. There are only a few cars left in the small lot, and Ellie follows me to mine, not saying a word.
I don’t speak either.
Not until we’re inside the car and I’ve finally started the engine does she say something.
“Thanks for coming to pick me up, even though you didn’t have to.”
Well. That was a shitty thank you.
“You’re welcome,” I bite out, hating how annoyed I sound.
Also hating how annoyed I get when Ellie isn’t happy with me. Which is most of the time, nowadays.
“Have you heard anything about my car?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I’ll call him tomorrow and see what’s going on.”
“I hope it’s ready soon.”
“I hope it is too.”
Then I won’t have to give her a ride anymore or see her as much. I really wouldn’t have to see her at all, save for when our friend group gets together. Even then it’s not like I’d have to talk to her.
I
should probably cut her off, even though I’ll miss her. She’s a good listener. A thoughtful friend.
But right now, sitting in my car, filling the air with her unique scent, her essence, the last thing I want to do is talk to her. I’m not having friendly feelings toward her either whatsoever.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I clutch the steering wheel tightly, trying to keep myself preoccupied with other thoughts. Like school. I have a psych test tomorrow and I’m not even close to being ready for it. I should go home and study, but who wants to do that? I think of football. Practice. It was tough today, and I’m starting to feel like a failure. Like I’m not measuring up. I’m a third string running back, and there’s a fucking freshman who’s gunning for my position.
I need to step up my game, but why bother?
“Is there an away game this weekend?” she asks me, as if she’s in my head. Knowing Ellie, she probably is.
“Yeah. San Diego.” At least we’re going somewhere cool. Not that I’ll get to enjoy it like I want to.
“Do you think you’ll get a chance to play?”
“Probably not,” I immediately say. “I’m not that great.”
“Jackson,” she chastises, her voice soft.
“I’m serious, El. Just keeping it real with you. For whatever reason, I can’t get my shit together on the field, and the offensive coaches are noticing. I don’t know what my problem is,” I say, frustration filling my voice. Filling my head.
I’m irritated on almost all counts right now. I don’t know what’s up.
“Is there anything bugging you?” she asks, sounding generally concerned.
She blows my mind. Girl will hold a grudge and treat me like garbage—which I deserve—and then I tell her I’m having trouble with something, and she goes straight into nurture mode. What is her deal? Why does she care so damn much?
She shouldn’t care about me. I don’t deserve her worry or concern.
Wonder what she would do if I told her what was really bugging me right now.
It’s her. She’s bugging me. My feelings for her bother me. Confuse me. I don’t understand them.
“Did you plan another date with Carson?” I ask, switching the subject.
I can feel her gaze on me, but I refuse to look at her.
“No,” she says softly. “He didn’t ask.”
“You’re going to wait for him to ask then?”
“I think so.”
“You shouldn’t. Grow some balls. Take the reins. Ask him out,” I say, sounding like an asshole.
“Jackson, what in the world is wrong with you?” she asks, exasperated.
I say nothing. Just clutch the steering wheel tighter, hitting the blinker and turning onto her street. I’m so close to getting rid of her. I need to. She’s fucking with my head. My thoughts. My libido. I’m an Ellie-induced mess.
By the time I’m pulling into her apartment parking lot, she’s undoing the seatbelt, eager to get the hell away from me. I park the car, ready to say something, but she’s already opening the door.
“Thanks, bye,” she says hurriedly as she climbs out of my Mercedes, shutting the door behind her.
I throw the car into park and cut the engine, ready to chase after her. Though I shouldn’t.
Yeah. I totally shouldn’t.
I do though. I exit the vehicle and make my way after her, calling her name.
She literally turns around and holds her finger to her lips, shushing me.
“My neighbors are sleeping,” she whisper-yells.
I can’t help it. I laugh.
And keep following her.
Ellie stops in front of a door on the ground level, which doesn’t thrill me. She should be on the second floor at least. I haven’t been to her apartment yet, so I had no idea. At least the complex is quiet. Gated. Newer, and in a decent part of town.
I still worry about her safety though.
“This your apartment?” I ask, already knowing that it is.
“You didn’t have to follow me to my door,” she says, sounding irritated.
“I wanted to.”
“Okay. Whatever. Thanks again for the ride, Jackson.” She sticks her key in the deadbolt at the same time that I approach her, stopping just behind her.
“Can I come in for a little bit?”
She shakes her head, keeping her back to me. “I have roommates. I don’t want you to wake them up.”
“I can be quiet. Do you have a room to yourself?”
She nods. “You can’t come in, Jackson.”
I press my hand against the door, crowding her from behind. “Why not?”
“I don’t want you to,” she admits.
We’re quiet. I can hear her breathe. There’s a warm breeze outside, and it stirs the wild strands of her hair. All I want to do is smooth them down. Run my fingers down her neck. Kiss her there. Pull her into my arms and not let her go for the rest of the night.
But I can’t. I can’t do it.
I’d fuck everything up.
“I never did tell you what’s bugging me,” I murmur, giving in to my urges and tucking a few strands of her silky soft hair behind her ear.
She goes completely stiff. “What is it?”
Leaning in, I whisper close to her ear, “It’s you.”
Ellie turns to face me so fast, I rear back a little, giving her the room she needs. She shoves at my chest, her face screwed up in anger, her eyes blazing with fury.
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Jackson. I’m so tired of you acting like a possessive asshole yet you won’t do anything about it.”
I frown. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You act like my boyfriend, yet you won’t touch me. Or you will touch me, but you never take it too far. Afraid you might break me or whatever,” she says, her words hot. Girl is mad. I kind of like it. “I won’t break, Jackson. I’m tougher than I look. I can handle you. I’ve been handling you for years.”
“You haven’t handled all of me,” I boast, unable to resist.
She socks me right in the chest again, and this time, it kind of hurts. “See? It’s shit like that. You flirt with me. You’ve kissed me. You freaking felt me up in the car last night, yet you won’t do anything else. I don’t understand you. Glaring at Carson like you want to rip him apart when he talks to me. It’s stupid! You’re being really, really stupid right now, and you need to stop. Or—”
Ellie presses her lips together, cutting off whatever else she was going to say.
“Or what?” I ask when she remains silent. I press both hands against the door, caging her in, standing so close to her you probably couldn’t slip a piece of paper between us. I can feel her heat, her chest rise and fall when she breathes. She’s beautiful, even after working a long shift, even with God knows what staining the front of her shirt. She’s even more beautiful than usual because she’s all worked up, pissed off at me, and God help me, I like it.
“I was going to say, you need to do something about it,” she admits, her voice small. “You know how I feel about you. There’s no point in my explaining it. But I don’t know how you feel about me.”
“I care about you, El. You’re my fri—”
She shakes her head, the look on her face making me snap my lips shut. “We have more than friendly feelings toward each other, and you know it. Admit it.”
I remain quiet. To admit what I feel for her could change…
Everything.
The silence stretches, and I can feel her withdrawing. I don’t want that. I want her into this. Into me. Yes, I care about her. Yes, she’s my friend. I’ve thought about more with Ellie before. Of course I have. And the way I feel about that little prick coming around her is confusing. My raging emotions have me tied up in knots.
So tight, I’m afraid the only one who can untangle them is her.
“Make a move, Jackson,” she says softly. “Or let me go forever.”
I stare at her, frozen, her words o
n repeat in my brain.
Make a move? Yeah, no. I remember what Chuck told me. What I’ve told myself. This is a girl I shouldn’t mess with. No matter what she says, I know in the end…
I will hurt her.
“Well?” She lifts her chin, her dark eyes blazing into mine. “What’s it going to be?”
The words flicker through my brain at the same exact moment my lips find hers.
Fuck it.
Sixteen
Ellie
Oh God, Jackson is kissing me. What I said to him actually worked. I figured he’d bail as usual and I’d be left all alone with my thoughts, bitterly disappointed in him yet again.
Instead, his mouth is on mine. Hungry. Insistent. I’m pressed in between the door and his muscular body, and there is nowhere else I’d rather be. He kisses me stupid, his tongue searching my mouth, his hand dropping from the door to land on my hip, pulling me closer to him.
I can feel what I’m doing to him. Wait a minute. Is that his—
Oh my God, it’s huge.
He winds his arm around my waist, his hand finding my butt and holding me close. A whimper sounds, and I realize it’s me.
I’m whimpering.
Without hesitation, I sling my arms around his neck. Bury my fingers into the silky soft hair at his nape. Return his kiss with all the enthusiasm I’ve kept pent-up inside of me. He won’t let up, and I’m not even sure how we’re breathing, but I don’t want this moment to end.
I’m consuming him as he’s consuming me.
He wraps his other arm around me as well, and somehow, he lifts me, my legs automatically going around his waist. He pins me to the door, pressing his denim covered erection right against the spot where I ache for him the most and oh my God, when he does that, I see stars.
We let our mouths and hands do all the talking. Words ruin everything, especially between us. He finally breaks the kiss, only to run his hot mouth down my neck. Licking. Nibbling. His hands are sprawled across my butt, pulling me into him as he rubs against me. I grind against him right back, letting my body take over and do its thing. An incessant throbbing starts between my legs, making me feel greedy. I want more.
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