And desperately hoping that, whatever she said, it would be enough for him to forgive her. For them to have some sort of hope for a future…
Chapter Twelve
Relief washed over her. He was going to listen. His expression was rock-hard, and she didn’t know how much good it was going to do, but he was going to listen. That, at least, was progress. Now she just had to get her scattered thoughts in order and figure out the best way to say this. There was so much to say, and she didn’t know where to start. Apologizing again, trying to explain why she had done what she did… they had already done that. There was no point in repeating all that, and from Philip’s gaze, she knew he didn’t want to go over that again.
Then there was the fact she was pregnant. She felt her heart beat a little faster as she thought about the small, vulnerable life growing inside of her.
If there wasn’t so much else going on, she was sure she would be freaking out over being pregnant. She’d always thought that she would want to lose twenty or so pounds before she had a baby, so her figure would not end up even bigger than it was now. But there was just too much to think about. Besides which, why should she change her body? She was a little overweight, but carried it mostly in her breasts and hips. Her doctor said it was fine, and it was just vanity about the weightloss. So, rather than have a complete breakdown, she had accepted and embraced this pregnancy. She already had a list of names started.
That was about all she could control in this situation.
On the other hand, she didn’t want Philip to think that she was only doing this because he’d gotten her pregnant. And she also didn’t want to wonder if the reaction he had to everything else she had to say was because he was still reeling from the news.
She folded her hands on the table, trying to neutralize her expression. She had helped Varton with negotiations in the past, she could get through this. Philip’s dark expression didn’t change and that made her waver. She shoved those feelings aside, though, instead concentrating on what she needed to say. If she could get through it, then they’d have a chance… right?
She didn’t want to think about how she might have ruined this chance at happiness. Of life with her mate.
But I might have. It’s my fault he’s in jail, after all.
Nonetheless, if she could forgive him for lying to her about the dead man in his house and for maybe thinking about killing her, he could forgive her for hiring a private investigator to investigate him when she thought he was nothing but a no-good, dirty rotten criminal… Right?
Then again, even if he did forgive her, there was still a good chance that he might end up in jail for the rest of his life. And then she’d have missed out on life with her mate anyway.
Lizzie pressed her fingers to her temples, shaking her head to dislodge those thoughts. Now was not the time for her to spiral out of control. No. She had to remain focused on the situation. There was no point in overthinking this right now. She could freak out later when she was home and all her hopes and dreams weren’t pinned on her ability to get her thoughts across clearly.
So she straightened and nodded. “Okay. First off, I’m hiring you lawyers. My normal team isn’t really into criminal defense, so I’m bringing in the best ones that I can find.”
Philip stared at her blankly. Then anger crossed his face again and he leaned forward, pressing his hands flat on the table between them. His lips curled back as he spoke in a low voice. “You’re the reason I’m in jail in the first place. And now you—”
“No.” Lizzie sucked in a deep breath to fight the spike of anger that had coursed through her. “No, I’m not the reason you’re in jail.”
“And how do you figure that?”
It wasn’t what she was expecting to say, but Lizzie found herself speaking softly. Not angrily, not even fearfully. If there was any future between them, then they had to get this sorted out. Her hands started to twist again, but she forced them to lay flat. “Okay, it is partly my fault. If I hadn’t hired that PI, you wouldn’t have been jailed. But if you hadn’t been involved in illegal activity in the first place… And I’m not blaming you for that,” she was quick to add.
Philip frowned at her but didn’t speak.
“I know it’s not a life that you chose for yourself. I know that you were wanting to get out of it long before I showed up. But to put all the blame on me for acting in what I thought was the best manner? That’s unfair and you know it. Yes, I should have called him off long before I did, and I should have told you about him. That’s all on me. But the fact is, you’re in jail because you broke the law. I didn’t make up anything to get you put in here.”
Philip’s scowl deepened, and he looked away.
She hadn’t wanted to argue. Was that the best thing to do after all? Or had she, in hoping to sort out this rather large issue, just ruined her hopes for the future? She could only hope that she hadn’t. “But that said, I am going to do what I can to get you back out.”
“And I should accept your help… why?” He arched his brows at her. “You said that you loved me, that you wanted to marry me. And the next thing I know, you’ve gone and hired a private investigator in order to take my daughter away from me.”
“That isn’t how it happened, and you know that.”
“Do I?”
Lizzie ground her teeth together. Why did he have to be so damn stubborn? Did he really hate her so much that he didn’t even want to think about forgiving her? He said he would never do it; was that the truth of it after all?
Philip leaned forward. “How do I know you’re not doing all of this because you have some fantasy about you and me and Bethany, being a perfect little family?”
“Of course that’s why I’m doing this!” Lizzie threw her hands in the air. “I want us to be a family. I want it to be you and me and children. I love you, Philip King. I want to be your wife. From this day until forever! If we could be married right this second, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t see why that’s a bad thing.”
“So you’re saying that if you didn’t love me, you’d let Bethany grow up without her father?”
Oh. Her mouth went dry. Of course. It made sense now. How angry would she be, if their positions were reversed? She was basically saying that it didn’t matter what sort of man he was, or what type of father he was to Bethany, she’d let him rot if she didn’t love him. That made his anger so much more understandable.
Shame welled in her chest. “No,” she whispered. “No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do that to her, or you. I…”
“I wish I could believe that.”
“You can. Please. I know you’re a good man, so you have to know what sort of woman I am. Do you really think that I just shrug off mistakes that I make and let someone else deal with them?”
Philip’s hard gaze softened. He leaned back again, huffing out a sigh. “No. No, you’re not that sort of woman. But that doesn’t mean that I can just accept what you did and move forward, as though nothing happened.”
“I know.” Relief still washed over her, even though she knew that was far from settled into a happily ever after. “I know I have to work to regain your trust. But Philip, forgiveness is a choice. You know that as well as I do. I’m not saying that you have to forgive me, and certainly not right now. But please. Please trust me enough to let me help you. Let me try to fix what I did.”
Philip drummed his fingers on the table. “What hurts the most… is that you were going to take my daughter away. Everything I do, I do for her.”
“I know. Now.” Lizzie’s shoulders sank miserably. “And if you can’t trust me, and don’t want anything to do with me, then… Can you at least let me help you for her sake? Even if you don’t want anything to do with me once this is over. I will fade away, I will never contact you again if that is what you want.” It hurt just saying it, but she had to let him know. “I will get out of your life, forever. If that’s what you want. Just please, please let me help her at least. Don’t make her gr
ow up without you just because I was a fucking idiot.”
She wasn’t certain if it was her choice of words or something else that made Philip’s head jerk up the way it did. He stared at her for a long moment, and she could almost see the arguments he was having with himself. She held her breath, waiting as agonizing seconds ticked by. But Philip didn’t speak.
Okay. If that was the case, she would just have to continue her argument.
“I will pay for the lawyers. I am certain that the right ones will be able to give you a reduced sentence at the worst. After all, the private investigator I hired isn’t exactly part of the law force. So, there is the chain of evidence there that is suspect. And as for the mafia, I am still going to pay them off. I don’t care how much it costs. And I’ll pay for you going back to school if that’s what you want. Or I could try to find you a job as a stuntman, like what Bethany thinks you do. Or, none of it, if you’d rather figure it all out yourself.”
“I’m not going to be bought and paid for.”
“That isn’t what I’m saying!”
Philip leaned his elbows on the table and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re throwing money at the problem. You’re acting as though if you pay for my way into a new life, that’s enough. But it’s not enough.”
That wasn’t what she was saying at all. Why couldn’t he see that? She leaned forward too, frustration and anger welling in her. She grabbed his wrists and pulled them down, making him look at her. Maybe there wasn’t a future between them after all, but she was damned if she was going to let him balk like this. Act like these accusations were true and that was the reason he didn’t want to have anything to do with her.
“If you can’t forgive me, fine! You can’t forgive me, and I will have to live with that. But stop acting as though I was deliberately trying to do this. Stop acting as though what I want is for you to be on your knees before me. Stop acting like this is a matter of pride when it’s not. It’s a matter of doing what’s best for Bethany. I have told you. If you don’t want me around, I will leave and never show my face to you again. But don’t dismiss what I am doing as being all about my guilty conscience. I love you, dammit! I love you and you love me, too. We are mates.”
“We are not mates!” Philip ripped his hands from her. “We are not mates, because if we were, I never would have considered, even for a second…”
He trailed off, but he didn’t need to finish his sentence. Lizzie’s eyes widened as she realized what he meant. His reluctance… it was less about her and more about him. Because when they were at the cabin and Kavan had come to them, he had considered letting her die. Killing her. Even if it was only for a brief, desperate moment.
It wasn’t her that he couldn’t forgive. It was himself.
“Philip…”
He stood and strode toward the door without another word.
Lizzie slammed her hands against the table. “Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn?”
***
Why was he being so fucking stubborn?
Philip wanted to leave. He didn’t want to stay here and see her pleading eyes anymore. He didn’t want to hear her explaining, again and again, giving him every reason to forgive her. He didn’t even know how he felt, so how could he figure out what he needed to do next? But the thing that kept coming back, over and over again, ringing in his ears, was the sound of her pleading. Please. Please.
He took another step toward the door, and then she spoke again.
“Please.”
He couldn’t stand it. He whirled, wanting her to stop. Stop pleading. Stop asking. Stop trying to bring him back to her. He didn’t deserve it… Wait, where had that come from? I’m angry at her, not the other way around!
“I thought I loved you. I thought that you loved me, too.” No, that was a lie. “I do love you,” he admitted. He slammed his hands onto the table, furious with himself, furious with her, furious at the entire world. Most of all, furious at his wolf, who still growled at him as though he was doing something wrong. “But love isn’t enough. You know it and I know it. Love… love is just a feeling. Without the actions to back it up, then there is nothing. Without trust to back it up… How can you love me if you don’t trust me?”
Lizzie stared at him wide-eyed. The door opened and the guard stepped in, probably because of the noise, but Lizzie glowered at him and waved him off. “We’re talking.”
The guard looked between them suspiciously. “Ma’am, if you were to get hurt—”
“Philip is not going to hurt me. I know he never would.” Her gaze returned to his face. “I trust him.”
The guard hesitated, but as Philip sank into his chair again, he slipped out of the room. Philip rested his head in his hands, not knowing what to say or do now. It was an unusual situation for him, and not at all a pleasant one. For a long moment, they sat like that, in silence, before Lizzie cleared her throat and made him look back up at her.
“I do trust you. At the cabin, even when I thought… I knew, in my heart, you never would. Even before I got to know you, I somehow knew you would never hurt me. And that carried over to… other things.”
She meant when he had received the order to kill her. He slumped in his chair, realizing for the first time what she was driving at. Shame welled in him, followed by more self-loathing. If she could forgive him for that, trust him even after that, then why couldn’t he forgive her for something she had done before they had even gotten to know each other?
“Without love, there is nothing. We have nothing,” Lizzie whispered. She reached across the table and grasped his wrist tightly. He was reminded of when she had bound him to the bedframe, the belt tight around his wrists. He’d been so willing to let her have control then. Trusting that she would take care of both of them. Tears glittered in her eyes as she continued. “Trust is something we have to earn. And I so desperately want to earn yours.”
“I have no reason not to trust you,” he mumbled, shaking his head.
Finally, it hit him. This wasn’t about Lizzie at all. He wasn’t angry with her. Perhaps a little, but not enough to justify this behavior. No. The truth was, he was hurt by her actions, but he understood them. After all, why should she trust or believe that a mafia man would have any good intentions? She was well within the side of justice to try to get him locked away as she had—he was a criminal after all.
It wasn’t her he didn’t trust. It was himself. That was why his own wolf was pacing, snarling, growling with him. Why it acted as though it wanted to tear out his throat. Because he was a threat to her. It was as simple as that. He leaned forward, gripping his hair in his hands. At the cabin, when Kavan came. He had considered it. And even if he had apologized…
“Philip.” Lizzie’s voice was little more than a whisper.
Both her hands wrapped around his wrists and pulled them gently away from his hair. She pressed them into the table, holding them with one hand while the other cupped his cheek and made him look up at her. From the tears gleaming in streaks down her cheeks and the sorrow in her eyes, he knew she knew.
A well of shame threatened to tear him apart. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are. I know it. And I forgive you. I forgave you before I even knew in my mind that you wouldn’t hurt me. I already knew in my heart.”
“I… didn’t.”
This time a smile quirked her lip. “Oh, that’s not true. You knew. You knew that you couldn’t hurt me. You sent Kavan away because you were trying to figure out how to get me out of that situation without putting Bethany at risk. And you were going to offer yourself up for the slaughter in order for us to get a clean getaway. I trust you, Philip King. And I love you.”
He gazed at her for a long time, his brow furrowed.
Her smile faded away, and she lifted her other hand to hold his face. Her warm, soft hands were like an embrace. He found himself wanting to wrap himself into her arms, to hold her tight and never let her go. To be forever so close to her that he could feel h
er heartbeat always.
“I love you,” she repeated. “And you know that. And I know you love me.”
It was true. He sighed. “I’m an idiot.”
“Because you didn’t see sooner that we’re mates?” She smirked at him.
“For… everything. I’ve… I’ve been scared, Lizzie. Scared to love you, scared to leave the family. I don’t know who I am without them. I know what that sounds like—"
“It sounds like you were raised by them and, not to put too fine a point on it, brainwashed since the time you were a child,” Lizzie interrupted, her tone dry. “I don’t think that’s something you can blame yourself for.”
“I can if I want to,” he joked, and his heart felt a little lighter for her laugh.
She sobered quickly, though, leaning a little closer across the table. He wanted to knock it aside, pull her into his arms and kiss her forever. Now that he knew what the real problem between them was, that it wasn’t her at all but was entirely him, he wanted to prove to himself that he deserved her trust. He didn’t know how he possibly could do that, but somehow, he wanted to try.
If he tried it, though, he had a feeling that the guard was going to come in, drag them apart and he wouldn’t even be allowed conjugal visits in the future.
That thought made him laugh, though bitterly. How cruel were the hands that wove his fate? For so long he’d wanted to find his true mate, the one he could love and hold and forever cherish. Now, when he did find her, he was going to be locked away behind bars. Even with the reduced sentence that Lizzie was hopeful for, there wasn’t any way he would be able to get out of here any time soon.
“Please let me help you,” Lizzie whispered. “Please. I know I made a mistake, but please let me fix it.”
“As if your mistake was even half as bad as mine.” He sucked in a deep breath, but at the look on Lizzie’s face, he rose his brows again. “What did I say?”
The Wolf’s Surprise Babies Page 15