by Ann Aguirre
Maybe the more important issue was that he held one, letting everyone have their say. The situation couldn’t be solved with a few words, but he was trying to be the leader the people deserved, even if he wasn’t entirely there yet.
He stood at the door and shook hands forty times as people left the hall. The room had been packed, standing room only, and he’d asked Jere to officiate because they had a friendlier demeanor. Sure enough, he suspected a lot more people felt emboldened to air their thoughts and ask questions than they would have if he had started things out with a scowl and a demand of “What?! You wanted my attention. Spit it out already!”
Joss kept making eye contact during the session and gesturing at him to smile, but from the way Trini and Emilia choked, his attempts in that regard might not have been successful.
An elderly woman who looked vaguely familiar paused and searched his face, as if waiting for something. Callum offered his hand, suspecting he was about to disappoint her.
“You don’t remember me, do you?”
He decided honesty was best. “I’m sorry, I don’t.”
“It was a long time ago, after all. My name is Agnes Kildew. I helped your mother in Bright’s Landing, many years ago. When she was working, you often—”
“Came to your house and you made butter cookies for me. We…worked on puzzles together, too.” Now that he was truly seeing her, he noticed the marks long years had left on her, but he could also recognize the woman he’d called Auntie Ags.
“Nobody heard from you after Win died,” she said gently. “We didn’t know you had joined the order. You vanished on everyone who cared about you, Callum. For years, your friends came to me, asking if I knew where you had gone, and I didn’t even know if you were alive or dead.” Her pale eyes grew misty, and she wiped away a tear with an impatient thumb. “Thank you for keeping yourself safe.”
Back then, he’d experienced a desperate desire to burn everything down behind him, abandon his former life and never see or speak to anyone who reminded him of the man he’d been, the one who drove Win to end her own life. Now, that sick feeling rushed back. It wasn’t Agnes’s fault, just the guilt tightening on his neck like a noose.
What right do I have to be happy? Even for a little while.
“I’m glad you made it out,” he said gruffly, hardly able to speak for the pressure choking him.
“Your mate saved me. I was in the group she led to safety. I’m not as fast as I was and I have a bone condition and…well, you don’t want to hear about my ailments.”
Truthfully, he didn’t. “Joss is exceptional. I would be lost without her.”
But maybe he had no right to be with her. Especially not if there was a risk that one day soon, she’d be feeling trapped and hopeless, smothered by his love as it veered toward obsession.
“Would it be all right if I hugged you?”
He didn’t want her to, but he couldn’t bring himself to decline either. Perhaps he represented a brighter time in her life, but for him, she embodied the bleakest point, the lowest ebb of his spirit. When he left Bright’s Landing, he hadn’t expected to live long. The order saved you, gave you friendship, peace, solace.
And you broke those vows.
The turmoil in his head got louder.
When Agnes hugged him, he brooked it stolidly and patted her half-heartedly. She smelled of dried herbs, a scent he could almost remember, but he couldn’t put a name to it. Suddenly Joss was beside him.
“Jere needs to talk to you. They said it’s urgent. Can you come?”
Agnes stepped back with a careful, gracious gesture. “I’m sorry for delaying you. We can speak later if you like. I’d love to talk about your mother.”
Another painful wrench. Callum tried not to think about everyone he’d lost. Living required an empty mind, empty heart, and that way he could go through the motions, but that wasn’t possible anymore. He was no longer a solitary boat floating on an empty sea; Joss tethered him to the world and all the pain he had suppressed for years roared inside him, a bitter and festering mess that he should’ve healed over or died from by now. Somehow, he had done neither, just hovered above the pit, a whisper from destruction but refusing to admit as much.
Joss wrapped her hand around his wrist and towed him out of the crowd. When they reached a quiet area behind the hall, she said, “You looked like you were about to chew off your own arm in there. Are you all right? Who was she?”
The air was fresh and cool, and he gulped it down like spring water. When Callum rubbed at his forehead with the back of his hand, it came away clammy. He needed a bath but washing his body might not be enough to cleanse his mind.
“She watched me when I was a boy,” he said eventually.
That’s not an explanation. She’ll ask, you know she will. And maybe she needs to know, yeah? What she’s walking into. Much as he hated the idea that she’d turn from him once she knew, he also couldn’t let this go on without being honest about the danger.
“You think you know me, kit, but the shadow behind me, it’s bad. I’ve spent years doing penance and searching for peace, and it’s all undone with a few words from someone who knew me then.”
“You’re making me nervous,” she said, lacing their fingers together.
Her hand was so small compared to his. Callum pulled her palm up and measured. Her fingertips ended around his first knuckle. Letting out a ragged sigh, he pressed a kiss to the back of her hand and then deliberately let go.
“Let’s walk,” he said.
His steps carried them to the small garden behind the chapel. The paths were a bit bare, but in a few weeks, provided there was sufficient wind and rain, the flowers would bloom and green leaves would cover these spindly branches. Even in the midst of war, life found a way.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Joss hurried to catch up to him.
Belatedly, he realized he had left her behind, taking long and nervous strides. But she ran after him, as she always had, and on their second loop, he paced himself to match her, conscious that their connection was fragile and precious.
I could lose her too. I could hurt her.
“Before, before I joined the order, I loved someone very much,” Callum said in a rusty voice. “It felt like I couldn’t breathe without her. I was…too much.”
Too much in every respect. Too hungry, too greedy. Too demanding.
He could have told Joss more about Win—how she loved wildflowers and she painted watercolors that shone like a summer day—but that was beyond him. One day, he might be able to say her name without guilt and shame but he doubted it. And he’d learned nothing, apparently, because his entire body still tensed when anyone else approached Joss. He wanted to wall her off from the world, and that would be a special sort of hell for one who thrived on performing beautiful music for an adoring crowd.
“She took her own life. Because of me.” There, it was finally out, and he waited for the judgment, for the condemnation that would follow.
23.
Joss had known of some unspoken heartbreak in Callum’s past, but she hadn’t imagined the scope.
She had to answer with care. “Even if she said that in a moment of anguish, the issue is never so simple. The reason people make that choice is because they’re suffering. Pain is a clouded lens, and it distorts reality. People hear a terrible inner voice whispering that they have no value, that nobody cares. And sometimes, when people are hurting, they lash out at those closest to them.” Joss took his hand when it seemed as if he might reply, curling her fingers through his. “I’m speaking from experience. Well, observation anyway.”
He had been about to object to her assessment, she could tell. That gave him pause. “You lost someone dear to you?”
“My uncle. And when I was young, I heard the things he used to say to my mother. She always said it was because he was hurting. The family tried to help, and Uncle Sal spoke with the Seer so many times, but…in the end, we lost him.�
� She studied their joined hands. “It’s never one factor, Callum. Never. Pain is the reason, usually from multiple sources. I’m not saying your relationship was healthy. I don’t know how you were together, but you can stop shouldering all the blame. The loss of a loved one is tragic. It’s heartbreaking. But it’s definitely not all your fault.”
He stared down at her with a desperate longing, as if he wanted to trust her words, but that it contradicted what he’d believed for so long. Joss closed the distance between them and hugged him, leaning her head against his chest. She ached for him and for the love he’d lost.
“That’s not true,” he said, but he didn’t sound sure.
“She was in a bad place mentally or she wouldn’t have made that choice.”
“But she said I was smothering her. I’m afraid that I’ll do the same to you, kit. Those old instincts are still there. I haven’t conquered them.”
“I’ll tell you if I need space. I’m truly sorry for her pain and for your loss. Now I understand why you joined the order.”
“That’s why I fought so hard against leaving. They took me in at my lowest ebb and made something of me. And I’ve been scared, so scared of repeating old patterns.” He took a deep, shaky breath, and she felt his hand in her hair.
“I’m not her,” she said deliberately. “And there’s no reason history would repeat. I hope you can view our relationship as entirely separate, and anyway, I think you’ll find as we go forward that your time in the monastery did change you. Time does that on its own, even without sacred vows.”
“You’re so wise,” he said.
“Don’t I seem like I would be? Don’t answer that.” Joss didn’t want to hear that she seemed cheerful and scatterbrained, as that had been the tune for most of her life. Privately, Joss thought she was every bit as clever as her cousin Pru, just a touch less focused.
“You do. I was paying a compliment, kit. Because you intuit people on a level that I cannot. Most motives are oblique to me, and that’s a dangerous weakness in one who’s trying to lead.”
“I’ll help you,” she said at once.
In response, he lifted her with effortless strength and kissed the hell out of her. He might have been celibate for a long time, but he hadn’t lost any of his skill. Joss kissed him back, reveling in being able to do so on a sunny day in the middle of the chapel garden. Many things were currently terrible, but this? Perfection. She purred and bit his lip, then licked it as he broke the kiss.
“I’m not saying the weight is gone or that the hurt is. It will never fade entirely. But for the first time, I believe that maybe I can make you happy.”
“We have a lot to do before then.”
Callum raised a brow. “We?”
“We,” she said firmly.
His hazel eyes melted, completely molten, and Joss suspected Callum might have carried her off—not that she’d have minded—except a family from Bright’s Landing came into the garden then. She recognized the woman right away, the one who had pleaded for her to wait for her mate. The other woman must have arrived with the other group, and she smiled at seeing this family reunited at least.
Callum set her down gently. “This isn’t the time or place.
With a rueful shake of her head, she led him back to the main path. It still boggled her mind that he let her. With their joined hands, they drew more glances from other Burnt Amber residents, but most were smiling. Joss caught a whisper of gossip as two people passed.
“He’s doing this for the hold, you know. I had no idea he could be so charming, but she’s already completely won over—”
“—our only hope for an alliance.”
“So much better than Renna. At least Callum’s not led by his—”
Oh shit.
Whirling, Callum took a step as if he was about to pummel whoever had said the last thing. Joss didn’t let go of his hand, so when he stretched their arms to the fullest extent, he had to choose between forcefully pulling free and staying with her. Her heart twisted a little at his glower, but in the end, he didn’t use his strength against her. With a thunderous expression, he stomped to her side.
“I need to deal with that,” he snapped.
“Not by punching people.”
“Fine. What do you suggest?”
Sighing, Joss shook her head. “Let me think about it. This isn’t our biggest worry right now, and you know that.”
“I’m aware, but those rattle traps are asking for it.”
“Agreed. When you calm down, we’ll talk about this again. You’re late for your check-in with Jere.” She rose on tiptoe and kissed his cheek above the beard. “I’m afraid Renna has heard the talk too, so I’m going to see how she’s doing.”
As she turned, he whispered, “Thank you,” so softly that she wasn’t sure he was even talking to her. She kept walking, but his heartfelt appreciation warmed her. Sometimes it seemed as if she’d waited a lifetime for someone who genuinely needed her and who saw that she could offer more than a song.
Joss checked the cafeteria first since it was just past the afternoon meal, but she didn’t find Renna there. Maybe the other woman was in her room, hoping to let the gossip die down. Heading there next, she jogged to their building and up the stairs. She rounded the corner and slammed into Renna, knocking a box from her hands. Reflexively, she knelt, apologizing the whole time, then she stilled.
I’m holding pill packets.
“You’re the one,” she said, hardly able to believe what she was seeing. “Why? Why are you stealing meds and selling them to the enemy?”
Renna collapsed, dropping the medicine she’d scrambled to conceal and the box tumbled to the hallway floor beside her. “I think…I’m relieved it’s finally over. What will Callum do to me?”
“You didn’t answer my question.” Quickly, Joss picked up the meds and hauled Renna to her feet. “Come with me.”
The other woman shot her a terrified look. “You’re taking me in?”
“What? I’m not a constable. I’ll hear you out, then decide what we should do.”
She escorted the trembling woman to her quarters and because she didn’t know what else to do, she made tea while Renna got herself together. Such nervousness didn’t indicate a habitual criminal, but she never would’ve guessed that she was the thief either.
“Here. Drink this and calm down.”
By the time Renna emptied the teacup, she seemed more settled. She glanced at the box of meds on the table between them with an expression of loathing. “I didn’t tell you the entire truth when I said I lost my parents in Hallowell. They’re gone, but the Gols took them. The Eldritch contacted me after I arrived here to tell me they could negotiate for their release if I did something for them.”
“You’re stealing to try and save your family,” Joss said.
“Yes. But they haven’t been able to contact me since Callum shut off the wireless. I’ve been continuing as I was instructed but…”
“I hate to sound skeptical, but did they even send you proof of life?”
Renna burst into tears.
The last thing Callum wanted to do was focus on business.
He wanted to shift and run and snarl and possibly uproot a few trees. Trapped inside the hold, that was impossible, and Joss was right. There were more important things to worry about. Like the footage coming in from their last remaining drones.
“Bad news,” Trini said as he strode into the security office. She was standing behind Emilia, who frowned over the images she was analyzing.
“Is there any other kind? Let me hear it.”
“We think the Gols have scouted the factory. They’re moving in that direction anyway, and they’ll be there by tomorrow morning.”
Callum closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them, a chill went through him, accompanying a sense that the world as they knew it was about to change. “We’re out of time. If they take the factory and plunder all the ordinance…”
“The war is lost,”
Emilia said somberly.
“If we’re wrong about where they’re heading, when I turn communications back on to alert the factory, it could give away the location.” Sighing, he understood that there was no right answer, apart from keeping the mines and weapons out of enemy hands at all costs. “I’ll confer with Jere and let you know.”
“They’re in the conference room,” Trini said.
He found Jere standing by the signal device as if willing it to transmit. “Have you heard from Ash Valley?”
“Not since that first message. I’ll report on the current conditions before we move on to other matters.”
Callum leaned against the wall and nodded. “Go ahead.”
“I haven’t made much progress investigating the medicine theft. There’s been too much else going on. The survivors from Bright’s Landing have all been accommodated, though some had to double up. I checked in with the cafeteria and we have enough food to stretch for four more days. After that, rations. On rations we can last twenty days, though it won’t be enjoyable.”
“We have to go all-in,” Callum said. “They couldn’t break our walls because the defectors took all the heavy weapons to Alastor in Hallowell. If the Gols had breached Burnt Amber, this would already be over.”
His second closed their eyes at the prospect of such horror. “But now, they’re targeting our civilians. And we can’t let what happened at Bright’s Landing happen ever again. If it comes to a choice between starvation and death in battle, I know which I’ll pick.”
He didn’t want to make this call, but Jere was right. “Me too. I’ll call the factory and tell them to sabotage the lines. The Gols may have numbers on us, but if we choose our engagements, we can make them work for the win.”
“For a would-be conqueror, Tycho Vega is a damned coward,” Jere bit out. “None of the footage ever shows him in the field.”
Callum curled his lip. “Don’t get me started. He’s likely holed up in Golgerra waiting for his foot soldiers to deliver the news of total domination.”
Jere said softly, “I really thought the other Animari would aid us, even without the Pax Protocols. But…we’re alone?”