by Sara Barnard
‘What? You’re what?’
‘I know where she is, Connor. I know she’s in Scotland.’ He opens his mouth, and I know he’s going to ask when she went to Scotland, but I hold my hand up to stop him talking. ‘I’ll go there and get her and bring her back with me.’
He closes his mouth again, looking perplexed, then shakes his head. ‘That’s your whole plan?’
‘It’s the important bit.’
‘What about the logistics?’
‘The what?’
‘How are you going to travel? Where are you going to sleep? What are you going to tell Carolyn and Bob?’
I shrug. ‘I don’t know, train, I guess—’
‘You’re going to get a train.’ He says this as a statement, not a question. A statement he thinks is ridiculous. ‘All the way to Scotland.’
His tone is infuriating. ‘Connor! Either actually help me out or go away.’
‘I am helping you. I’m being practical. How would you even pay for a ticket?’
‘With money, genius.’
But Connor’s capacity for patience is boundless, so he just grins at my annoyance. ‘Money from where?’
I turn away from him, trying to push my mind to tick faster, faster. Where could I get that kind of money? I’d have to borrow it, I guess. Maybe Carolyn would—
‘Maybe Carolyn would lend it to me,’ I say out loud. ‘She was the one who said I should get away for the weekend. I could just tell her I’m going . . . I don’t know, somewhere else. Margate or somewhere. And just use the money to get to Scotland.’
I feel Connor rest his chin against my shoulder, the tickle of his breath against the back of my neck. ‘Maybe, but that’s a pretty long way away, Eeds. It’s hours on the train up there. And won’t Carolyn be suspicious if you asked to borrow that much money just to go to Margate or something?’
Frustration is beginning to burn in my stomach. He’s right. Damn.
‘So what are my options?’ I ask him, finally turning my head to face him. His chin is still on my shoulder and we’re face to face, his nose against my cheek.
Connor thinks about it for a while, silent. ‘Well, you could always tell Carolyn the truth.’
Instinctively I make a face.
‘She’d probably want to help,’ he points out.
‘But then I’d have to tell her I know where they are,’ I say. ‘And that I knew all along. If I told her I know, she’d skip the going-to-get-them part and just send the police.’
‘Eeds, I know you don’t want to hear this, but maybe that’s the best—’
‘You’re right; I don’t want to hear it.’
‘The end result would be the same, wouldn’t it? Bonnie would be home and safe. Isn’t that what you want?’
‘No, the end result wouldn’t be the same. She trusts me. If I tell the police where she is, I’m betraying her. What kind of friend would that make me? I’m not a grass.’
He lets out a noise; part huff, part tut, part groan. ‘Don’t you think it’s got beyond words like “grass”? It’s been six days. She’s missed two GCSEs.’
‘Which is why I’m going to go and get her. But I have to do it like this. Talk to her, convince her. Not tell on her, for God’s sake. Do you really not get the difference?’
‘Sure, I see the difference. But she’s made this mess for herself, and you’re killing yourself trying to help her and I’m just not sure she deserves it.’
His words are a shock. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes.’
‘Connor!’
‘Shit, Eden, how can you still feel like you should be defending her after this week? After seeing what it’s doing to her parents? She’s screwing up everyone’s lives and she doesn’t even care.’
‘She isn’t. Why would you say that?’
‘You walked out of yesterday’s exam crying!’ he reminds me, sitting back with wide, frustrated eyes. ‘You! She shouldn’t have even told you where she was. She shouldn’t have put that on you. What kind of friend does that?’
‘She wasn’t putting anything on me. She told me because I’m her best friend. That’s what best friends do. They tell each other stuff. Especially the bad stuff. Especially the secrets.’
‘Oh yeah?’ He leans back, and I can tell by his face that he’s about to say something I don’t want to hear, but before I can stop him . . . ‘So why didn’t she tell you about Mr Cohn before?’
Oh, that.
‘Why didn’t she give you a heads-up before disappearing into a whole different country?’
‘Wales is hardly a whole different—’
‘Why didn’t she tell you she was in love with one of our teachers? Having sex with one of our teachers? How long did the papers say it’s been going on?’
‘Stop it, Connor.’
‘Three months? Four?’
‘All right, I fucking get it, OK?’
There’s a long, heavy silence. I look at him, hearing my own breath coming out slightly haggard. What does he think I’m going to say? That he’s right, that what Bonnie’s done is so awful that I’m prepared to just . . . cut her loose? Leave her to disappear into Scotland or Ireland or God-knows-where with our freaking teacher, the person we were all meant to trust? Act like she’s suddenly nothing to me, like the past eight years of friendship can just be erased by one stupid mistake?
‘Do you think I don’t know all this?’ I ask finally. My voice comes out quiet. ‘I know how messed up this all is. But she’s still Bonnie. I have to do this. I’m going to do this.’
Connor doesn’t say anything for a while, his fingers tapping a rhythm against his knee. Finally he nods. ‘OK.’
I take a deep breath. ‘OK. So what are my other options?’
He sighs. ‘Well, if trains are out, you could always get a coach? But that would take such a long time, it might not even be worth it. The other option is a car.’
‘I don’t drive.’
‘I meant a chauffeured car.’
‘Who do we know that drives?’
We realize it at the same time. ‘Valerie,’ we both say.
Valerie.
17
We spend the next hour working out the best way of getting Valerie to agree to drive me to Glasgow. The way Connor sees it, there are three possibilities.
(1) I tell Valerie the truth and hope she won’t just go running straight to Carolyn. (She probably will.)
(2) I tell Valerie half of the truth, which is that I want a lift to Glasgow without telling her why, and hope that she won’t guess immediately. (She definitely will.)
(3) I lie.
The only possibility, really, is option three, and that’s the one I’m going with. Yesterday, Carolyn had suggested I need a weekend away from the circus, and who better to spend that time with than Valerie? Hasn’t she been spending the last few days trying to do just that? I won’t even need to ask her to drive me all the way there. I’ll just say I fancy a weekend in York, her university city, and then worry about the second leg of the journey when we’re too far into it for her to change her mind.
‘Foolproof,’ I say, pleased.
‘It’s pretty far from foolproof,’ Connor replies, always the realist. ‘But I don’t think we’re going to get anything better.’
‘What time is it?’
He glances at his watch. ‘Half twelve.’
‘God, I better get home. If Valerie’s there we could even get going this afternoon. It’s, what, a few hours from here to York? We can get there tonight and do the Glasgow bit tomorrow morning. God, I hope they don’t move on before then.’
‘Hey,’ Connor says, and I look at him obediently. ‘We haven’t talked about me.’
‘You? What about you?’
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘What? Connor, no, you can’t. Not with your mum . . .’
‘Mum will understand,’ he says. ‘She and Gran can be without me for a couple of days.’
‘Can they?’
/> ‘Yeah, of course. This is important.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, Eden. Jesus.’ His brow furrows. ‘My mum isn’t bed-bound or anything, OK? Sometimes you act like you think she can’t do anything for herself.’
‘But—’
‘You think I’d even suggest going away with you if I thought it would mean she wouldn’t be OK? I know what I’m doing, for God’s sake.’
He’s on the defensive, and I don’t even know why. It’s true I don’t really understand much about his mum’s condition and what it really means for him to be her carer, but that’s because he doesn’t ever really talk about it. And that’s not my fault, is it? I’m not going to push him to talk about something he doesn’t want to talk about. I know too well what that feels like, and it sucks.
Connor’s looking at me like he expects an apology, but I’m not the type to offer one unless I actually mean it, so I don’t say anything, just look back.
‘I was only asking,’ I say eventually.
‘You asked if I was sure,’ he says. ‘But I don’t need you to check me for that. I’ve been doing this since I was eight years old, for God’s sake. If I make an offer to come with you on some rescue-Bonnie mission, I’m already sure. OK?’
‘OK,’ I say. I reach out and take his hand, threading my fingers through his and lifting them to my lips for a kiss.
He softens, then smiles. ‘So do you want me to come?’ he asks.
‘Yes,’ I say.
When I get home, Valerie is sitting at the dining-room table, working through what looks like an old exam paper. I’ve come up right behind her, but she’s so focused she hasn’t even noticed. I give her shoulder a poke.
‘Jesus!’ she yells, leaping out of the chair and spinning to face me. ‘Holy shit, Eden. Are you trying to kill me?’
‘Hi,’ I say innocently.
‘Hi yourself.’ She puts a hand to her chest and pats it like she’s putting out a fire. ‘I think you just took a few years off my life.’
‘Is it possible you’re overreacting?’
She glares at me. ‘Did you actually want something?’ She turns back to the table and reaches for the kitchen timer, which had been merrily ticking away for some reason, pausing it with a click. ‘Because I’m doing a timed test paper, here. And you kind of just ruined it.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, letting my mouth drop and my eyes widen. ‘I just wanted to talk to you about how my GCSE Chemistry exam went, but I didn’t mean to—’
‘Oh God, of course!’ Valerie drops the timer on to the table and pulls me over to sit on the chair she’d been using. ‘God, I’m sorry. Of course I want to hear about it. I’m so sorry, Eeds, I just forgot. I had bio-chem brain.’
‘I shouldn’t have interrupted you when you were studying. We can talk about it later, honestly. When you’re not busy.’ Me, an emotional manipulator? Never.
‘Don’t be silly, I want to hear about it!’ She grins at me, sitting on the carpet and crossing her arms over her knees. ‘Tell me. How did it go?’
‘Pretty bad,’ I say, shrugging.
‘Oh.’ Her brow furrows and I can almost read the confusion on her face. But I helped her revise, she is clearly thinking. How can it not go well if you revise? ‘Well . . . I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think.’
‘Maybe,’ I say. (It was.) ‘Everything’s so distracting, you know? With Bonnie . . .’
Valerie’s eyes cloud with sympathy. ‘I bet. Were there journalists at the gates again?’
I nod. ‘More than yesterday. And it’s all anyone will talk about.’
‘When’s your next exam?’
‘Tuesday.’
‘At least you get a bit of a break, then?’
‘Yeah . . .’I shrug again. ‘I think maybe Carolyn was right about getting away from here this weekend.’
‘She’s usually right about stuff like that,’ Valerie says, smiling. She looks just like Carolyn when she smiles. ‘Do you know where you want to go?’
‘As far from here as possible,’ I say.
‘Yeah, that’s probably best.’
‘Actually . . .’ I’m trying to be casual, but I’m pretty sure I’m not pulling it off. ‘I was thinking you might be able to help me out.’
Valerie’s eyebrows raise slightly. ‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah. We’ve never really, um, hung out together properly, have we?’ God, I’m already laying it on too thick and I’ve barely started. ‘So I thought maybe now might be a good time?’
Valerie’s cautious smile quirks a little. ‘Yeah?’ she says again. ‘You want to spend the weekend with . . . me?’
She doesn’t have to look quite so surprised, does she? It’s not that unlikely. ‘Yeah!’ I say, injecting as much enthusiasm into my voice as possible. ‘I was thinking I could come to York. You could . . . show me around, you know?’
There’s a second when Valerie just looks at me, that same searching smile on her face, when I’m convinced that she’s already seen right through me. But then a real smile blooms, expanding so much that it takes up most of her face. In fact, she looks so happy – genuinely, sweetly happy – that it makes me feel a bit bad for manipulating her.
‘Eden, of course,’ she says. ‘That’s an amazing idea! You can come back with me and I’ll spend the weekend showing you the city. It’s perfect. You’ve never visited, right? So there’s loads to see. You can meet my friends, and I can take you to a bar that will let you in without ID.’ She’s already pulling out her phone and tapping at the screen with excited little jabs of her fingers. ‘You can stay in my bed and I’ll sleep on the sofa,’ she’s saying happily. ‘I’ll have to give my flatmates a heads-up, but they won’t mind, people stay over all the time.’
Well, this was easier than I thought it would be. ‘Brilliant!’ I don’t have to pretend that I’m excited; it’s so genuine I actually clap my hands like a seal. ‘We’ll be away from Larking, and away from all the journalists and rumours and shit.’ I drop down on to the carpet and throw myself at Valerie for a hug.
I’m not the huggy kind, you should know. I like to keep my affection selective – usually it’s reserved for people like Daisy and Bonnie. And Connor, of course, though it’s different with boyfriends. Valerie I’ve always kept at a bit of a distance, and she’s always respected that. But now I’ve launched myself at her, my arms are around her neck, and even though it’s all part of getting her to say yes, I also mean it.
‘Aw,’ Valerie murmurs into my hair, ‘Eden.’ She hugs me back, squeezing tight. ‘Our own adventure!’
I’m beaming as we break apart. ‘How soon can we go?’
She shrugs. ‘Tomorrow morning, I guess?’
‘Or!’ I point my finger in the air. ‘We could go, like . . . right now.’
Valerie’s face drops. Her eyes squint a little at me. ‘Right . . . now?’
‘Or in an hour. Or even two hours. But I think we should go today.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I need to get away. As soon as possible.’ I suddenly remember Connor. Shit, I really should have planned my pitch for this trip before I tried to speak to Valerie. ‘And . . . hey, could Connor come?’
The look on Valerie’s face is now completely unreadable. ‘You want to bring Connor?’
‘He’s stressed out too.’
‘You want to bring Connor on our trip where you want us to spend more time together? To my tiny little student house?’
‘Yeah.’
We look at each other.
‘Why?’ she asks, when I don’t offer anything else.
‘He doesn’t get much of a chance to go away,’ I say, surprising myself with my quick thinking. ‘What with his mum and everything. Just a quick trip like this would be perfect. And he’s never been to York either.’ I actually have no idea whether Connor has ever been to York. ‘It just seems like a great opportunity.’
Valerie is silent for a while. She’s watching me, hawkish, as if she’s t
rying to read my mind. ‘Eden,’ she says finally, her voice soft. ‘Eden, are you thinking that Bonnie might be somewhere near York? Are you trying to look for her?’
I shake my head quickly. I can’t have Valerie connecting these dots before we’ve even left Larking. ‘No, this isn’t about that. I know she isn’t in York.’
SHIT. I see the flash in Valerie’s eyes and know she’s clocked my use of the word ‘know’. Shit, shit, shit.
‘You do?’ she asks, overly casually.
‘The papers said,’ I say. ‘Right? They were in Wales, last anyone heard.’
‘Right . . .’ she says slowly. ‘And so it’s a total coincidence that you want to go to a random bit of the country, like, immediately?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘And it’s not random, is it? It’s where you go to uni. It’s not like I want you to take me to Wales.’
Valerie takes in a slow, thoughtful breath, her front teeth nibbling her bottom lip, her eyes never leaving me. ‘Let me talk to Mum,’ she says finally. ‘See what she thinks about all this, OK?’
‘OK,’ I say, trying not to let on how frayed my nerves are getting. ‘And if she says yes, when can we go?’
‘If she says yes,’ Valerie says, beginning to stand, ‘then we’ll pack our stuff and go.’
I want to hug her again, but I restrain myself. When she’s left the room I pull out my phone and text Connor: Stand by!
18
Valerie is gone for a while, talking to Carolyn behind the closed door of her bedroom, so I don’t know what she actually says to get the all-important yes, but she does, and that’s all that matters. Carolyn doesn’t even question me; doesn’t raise her eyebrows at the coincidental timing of my trip proposal, doesn’t ask me again whether I’ve heard anything from Bonnie.
What Carolyn does is pack us a ‘car picnic’. She makes sure I pack pyjamas and a toothbrush. She fusses about what revision materials I’m taking with me. She tells me how wonderful it is that I want to spend time with Valerie.
I try very, very hard not to feel guilty.
As promised, we don’t hang around once the decision has been made about going, but I have a free half an hour while Valerie drives to the library to drop off some of the books she’d been using to revise with while she was here. I use the time to try and get a more exact location from Bonnie, but it’s not really very successful.