by Abi Ketner
“Why aren’t you here, guiding me? You should be here; I need you. I need you so much it hurts to breathe.” I bite down on my quivering lower lip.
I take a slow, deep breath and release it. “Okay, Dad, Keegan … I need your strength more than ever.” The pain of their absence is everywhere, and it eats at my flesh every second of every day. “I love you both so much … and I’m going to do whatever it takes to carry on your legacy, to make sure you didn’t die in vain. Please, watch over me. Please watch over all of us.” I lay back, and Cole’s arms surround me.
“I’m right here,” Cole says. “I’ll hold you, always. You’re my strength, Lexi. So allow me to be yours.”
I turn to meet his eyes. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you were listening,” I say, tilting my head back into the crook of his neck. “What if I let them down? What if I’m doing the wrong thing?”
“I’m sure they’re extremely proud of you,” Cole says. I whip around and face him, while wiping my tears away. “But maybe you should focus on who’s here for you now. Right here. Right in front of you.”
“You’re right, I shouldn’t worry about what I can’t control. Ugh.”
“What?”
“Why are you always right?”
“Ha. That’s far from the truth. Lexi, I’ve been wrong so many times in my life. We all have. But I think the only option we have is to accept our mess-ups and move on.” He runs his thumb across my lips before leaning in and kissing me. “And knowing the kind of man you say your father was, I think he’d be doing exactly the same thing.”
“I hope I make the right choices when … ” My voice trails off.
“Hey, it’ll be okay. Promise,” Cole says. I rest my head on his chest and inhale the faint smell of sweat mixed with soap. “Zeus seems better.”
“Yeah. His wounds aren’t bleeding anymore, and they’re not as deep as I thought. Which is a very good thing,” I say. “As long as we keep his cuts clean, he should be fine. It would’ve killed me if he’d died.”
“I know. You’ve really become attached to Zeus. That means a lot to me,” he says.
“Cole?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you scared? Because, to be completely honest … I’m petrified.”
“We’re all scared. We wouldn’t been human if we weren’t.” He links his fingers with mine, pulls my hand to his mouth, and then kisses it. “And remember, our mission is to save Sutton so he can get to the monitors. We aren’t trying to save the world.”
“Without a doubt.”
Bruno stirs.
“Man. What the hell? How long have we been asleep?” he asks, scratching his head. Bruno and Grace squint against the light. “Sleeping on the way to the Hole … Who does that?”
“Apparently we do,” Cole says with a light chuckle. It’s nice hearing him laugh.
“How long before we arrive?” Grace asks.
“There’s only one more stop before the Hole,” Bruno says. I watch as he digs around in his bag. He swigs some water, then hands it to Grace.
“I’m afraid to ask, but how exactly do you know that?” Grace asks, before taking a drink.
“My first assignment was in the rail yard, before I became a rock-star guard inside the Hole.”
More silence follows as the seriousness of what we are about to do sinks in.
I wrestle with my bag, searching for a bottle of water, when Zeus flops onto his belly and shoves his head into my lap as if asking for water too. The heat inside this railcar is suffocating; I imagine it must be even worse for Zeus.
My stomach rumbles, and my neck muscles tighten at the thought of trying to pass another station before getting to the Hole. This is what my nightmares are made of.
We travel for the next ten minutes or so in silence.
The gentle thumping of the wheels grind to a halt.
We all freeze, staring at each other, not knowing what to expect.
Cole and Bruno immediately jump up, checking their weapons and gathering their wits. We hear noises from outside, voices yelling. I can almost smell the blood that might shed any second. My hair stands tall on my arms as I scramble to get my bag, Zeus, and my weapons secured. Shouting and crying catch my attention. Even through the walls, I can sense their fear.
“Are we here?” I ask Bruno. His attention is fixed on the door, his jaw’s locked, and his eyes are narrowed.
“It’s the last stop. That’s all you need to know,” he says in a tight voice.
I imagine the desperation of Sinners at the last stop. Their last breath of freedom before losing their freedom forever.
“Stay hidden and we won’t have trouble,” Bruno says.
Yeah, okay.
A glimmer of light reflects off my ring. It’s been so long since I’ve looked at it. I find myself reading it again.
“You can overcome anything, short of death.”
You’re right, Dad. I sure as hell can. But how many times?
Suddenly, a loud squealing sound echoes throughout the metal car we’re in, and the door begins to slide open. Grace and I take positions behind Cole and Bruno. At first, nothing happens. I hear Zeus let out a low, menacing growl, and I put one hand on his neck to break his fixation on the door. My heart’s getting ready to explode out of my chest.
And we wait.
The guards shout orders as Sinners respond with cursing and cries. I’m frozen in position, holding my breath … waiting for something. Anything.
And we wait some more.
Anxiety gnaws at my insides. I clench my teeth as a single droplet of sweat travels over my brow.
“Form lines!” a loudspeaker blares over the din. “Sinners will no longer be allowed to work outside the Hole. If any of you try anything, try to leave, you will be shot.”
Why can’t Sinners work outside the Hole anymore? Why keep them locked up when they are needed for work? Now, getting back out is going to be harder than I thought.
Bruno slowly slides toward the door, peeking outside quickly and then snatching himself back. My eyes widen, waiting for him to signal to us.
“How many?” Cole asks in a whisper.
“Too many,” Bruno responds. Please don’t let them find us.
“Okay, let’s get this car loaded,” a voice says from beyond the door. He’s close. Too close.
I hear footsteps resembling those of an army and brace myself. First, a dirt-covered hand appears. Then, slowly, a shoe appears through the doorway, and a person enters the car. Neither Cole nor Bruno move. Grace tenses behind me, and I’m a ball of nerves and adrenaline.
She doesn’t see us yet. I pinch Zeus’s neck, like Cole taught me, to quiet him.
The moment her eyes flick up, they bulge with terror. I motion her to move further into the car and allow others on, so she doesn’t arouse suspicion. To my surprise, she steps forward. Upon seeing Zeus, who stands beside me with his ears perked up at full attention, she stops in her tracks. Her eyes flit from Zeus to me, and back. When she begins to back away, I pull Zeus away from her. She finds a spot in the corner and cowers, curling into the fetal position.
Next, a man enters. Then more people file in, their eyes surprised, but their mouths sealed. It’s almost like a comradery between us. We won’t hurt anyone, if they stay quiet.
“Move faster!” I hear the loudspeaker shout.
People begin shoving in, piling in until there’s only standing room. Bruno and Grace are separated from Cole, Zeus, and I. I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. By now, I’ve lowered my gun. Zeus is getting restless. Every time he moves, he steps on someone or something and they groan.
Bang!
The gunshot ignites panic in the car. The accused shriek, cry, and step over one another to get on. I’m pressed against the wall, looking around frantically for the others. Where’s Grace? She’s too short to spot among the throng of Sinners. Bruno is easy to spot. He sticks out like a sore thumb.
“Anyone else want to try to pull that stunt?”
the voice on the loudspeaker screams.
My stomach plummets when I think about the day I was brought to the Hole, and I imagine how these people must feel. I wonder if they are all guilty of the crimes they’ve been accused of, or if they could possibly be like me, wrongfully accused. Soon, we’re all packed in like sardines. Shoulders to shoulders, backs to backs, and I’m breathing someone else’s spent air. Beside me, a girl who looks like she can’t be more than twelve years old stares back, terror but also hope crossing her face. I reach in my bag and offer her my water.
“It’s going to be okay. Here, take this.”
A small and timid hand meets mine as she takes the water from my grasp. I can’t look at her too long. My heart is breaking from this little gesture.
I feel lightheaded, and my clothes are almost completely soaked through with sweat. I focus on the vein pulsing in Cole’s forehead next to me.
“Guards! Seal the doors.”
I bite down on my cheek and duck my head, hoping to blend in to the crowd. But we aren’t home free yet.
Zeus lets out a low growl, but stays in place.
“It’ll be okay,” I whisper. I link my hand with his collar, for extra insurance.
A guard at the door fixes his glance in our direction. He stops and probes the packed car with his eyes. I move backward, accidently stepping on Zeus’s paw. He lets out a loud, sharp bark.
“Zeus, stop it,” Cole says, not realizing what happened. The guard’s eyes zero in on Zeus, and I consider putting myself between him and the dog. My breath catches as he lifts his gun. “No!” I scream, and then everything seems to happen in slow motion.
Cole is up, gun drawn, pointing at the guard.
I shove Zeus behind me and see the girl I gave the water to back away from me. She’s afraid of me!
I quickly turn back to the guard. He has a sick, sadistic smile plastered across his face. He recognizes me. I reach up and try to cover my brand.
His barrel’s now aimed at my chest.
“Lexi, get down!” Cole says.
Bruno shoves people aside like he’s swimming. When the guard pauses, Bruno grabs him. He gets his giant arms around the guard in what looks like a hug. Then, in a motion of sheer power, he violently twists his head. I hear a sickening snap as the body crumbles to the platform. Bruno kicks it away from the train, then whips his gun out from his waistband.
The people around him gasp.
“Excuse me, excuse me. I gotta get through.” Cole makes his way toward Bruno.
Sinners clear a narrow path for Cole while I shield the young girl from the gruesome sight unfolding.
For a moment, I think maybe we will get away with it. No one has noticed.
And then automatic fire sprays our railcar. Bodies hit the floor. Everyone’s fighting to get down, piling on top of each other. Bullets whip through the air around us, puncturing the walls. I manage to look up and see the door’s still open. Bruno and Cole are standing, firing back. Another man grabs a gun off Cole’s waist and begins firing.
The car begins to move. The sudden jolt puts everyone off balance. Zeus yelps.
For a moment, I sway left. But Cole’s figure in the doorway fuels me. Please don’t let this be it. I can’t let him die.
To my relief, the automatic door begins sliding closed. With a loud bang, Bruno and Cole relax, pressing their backs against the wall and trying to catch their breaths as the train picks up speed. I hunch over; my chest’s heaving for oxygen. Everyone’s screaming around me. My ears ring. My head’s pounding like a drum. All of a sudden, Cole’s at my side grabbing my face and inspecting it.
“You’re hit,” Cole says. He touches my cheek.
“It just grazed me. I’m fine,” I say. “How about you, you good?” I run my hands across his chest and then back.
“Yeah, I’m good.” Cole’s breathing is jagged. He looks past me.
I want to collapse, but instead, I survey the damage. People are piled on top of each other for protection. The floor’s slick with blood, and I smell vomit and feces. A soft, wet tongue licks my fingers, and I look down to see Zeus bleeding. It hurts like hell to inhale. I scan him. His wounds from last night have opened up again, but this time, he’s really bleeding badly.
“Cole, get me something, anything. He’s bleeding again.”
Cole frantically looks around, but a man next to him pulls his shirt over his head and hands it to him.
“Thank you,” Cole says. It’s the guy who helped Cole and Bruno fight back. He hands Cole his gun and nods his head.
I drop down next to Zeus and immediately apply pressure to the wound that’s bleeding the most. He lets out a cry.
“Will you stop trying to be such a tough guy? You have to heal, you dork,” I say to Zeus. His big, brown eyes look at me, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he was sad. My head snaps up. I know Bruno’s all right, but where’s Grace?
“Grace!” I call out, looking around the car. “Where’s Grace?”
“Right here,” she says. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see her arms around Bruno. Her face looks bloodless.
“Phew. We’re all here; we’re all okay.”
As people around us pick up the pieces, collect themselves, and assess the scene, Grace, who’s been quiet the entire time, decides to speak.
“Why do you suppose they let us go?” Grace asks. “They could’ve stopped the train.”
“Because they know where we’re headed.” Cole’s face grows serious. “They’ll be ready for us.”
An injured woman lies flat on her back, arms at her sides and legs still. Fiery red hair is matted to her face and neck. Her light blue eyes stare blankly. I kneel beside her. She moans, and a man quickly grabs her hand. Her face has already turned ashen, and her breathing is labored. Beside her is a pool of blood. The man presses a hand against her stomach wound as blood seeps through his fingers. He leans forward and kisses her forehead. I watch him as he stares at her, skin bunching around his eyes. His eyes harden the instant he notices me watching.
“This is your fault. They were after you,” he says, pointing to the brand around my neck. “She’s going to die because of you.”
He’s right. And suddenly I’m sinking in my own skin; this is my fault, because they were after me. My hands shake as I pull my hair over my shoulders in an effort to hide my brand.
“She’ll be at peace soon.” I say the only thing I can think of. “Talk to her … tell her it’s okay to let go.” A sick feeling hits the pit of my stomach.
He stares at me like I just said the craziest thing.
“I know this won’t account for much, but where she’s going … at least she’ll be safe,” I say to the man. “Trust me.” He nods.
The woman moans again, and blood dribbles over her lips. I can’t watch her die knowing I’m the cause of the bullet that’s killing her. How many others are going to die because of me?
I stand too quickly and then stumble backward when the image of Keegan’s death flashes in my mind. My vision blurs.
“Whoa, I got you,” Cole says, catching me just before I fall. “Come on, you need to sit down.”
The man looks up at me, and I swear I see pity in his eyes.
“I’m okay. I just … I just got lightheaded, that’s all.” How can I be thinking about myself at a time like this?
“Come sit with me,” Cole says. “That old man is grieving, but he’s wrong. This isn’t your fault, Lexi. None of this is on you.”
Yes it is.
The light wanes, and everything is quiet except for the occasional shallow cough and the purring of the train on the tracks. I press my head against the frigid, cold metal of the train car. Bruno and Cole join others, moving dead bodies to the other side of the car and piling them up. It’s a gruesome task, and I have to look away. At my feet, Zeus woofs in his sleep. Probably chasing cats or something. His wounds have stopped bleeding, but his fur’s still smeared with blood. The dim lights of the car flicker, giving off
an eerie glow. It’s like we’re being transported to space or something. Space would be better.
Cole slides down the wall and covers his face with his bloody, dirty hands.
“How many dead?” I ask.
“Six.” He drops his hands and looks at me. “You’ve been pretty quiet. What’s on your mind?”
I shake my head because I don’t want to hear myself say these words.
“Hey, talk to me.” He waits patiently for my response.
“I don’t want to die, I don’t want anyone else to die.”
“If we stick to our plan, no one else will have to die. And if they do, that’s on Wilson. We have to stay focused. We didn’t start this, Lexi. But we sure as hell are going to find Sutton and finish it.”
I say nothing. He smiles his crooked smile and kisses me.
Bruno and Grace settle next to us in the cramped car.
“All right, lovebirds,” Bruno says to Cole. “What are we gonna do when that door opens again?”
“Unfortunately, since these people recognize us,” Cole says, “they’re a huge liability.”
“We can’t kill them,” I say.
“Lexi!” Grace scolds, a look of horror on her sweet face.
“We need them on our side. We need them to help us blend in,” Cole says.
“We could move to another car, hide there until this one clears,” Grace says.
“Yeah, then once they realize we’re gone, maybe that’ll be it,” Bruno adds, a proud smile across his face.
“That’s not going to work,” Cole says. “Wilson would slaughter every single one of them before he would give up his search for us. He knows we aren’t stupid. He knows we wouldn’t give up that easily.”
“Oh, that’s reassuring,” Grace says.