“Come on, you can’t be serious. I saw how she was dressed. In my… I mean, your shirt and nothing else. She’s beautiful and you have a child together…”
Rounding the counter, I step into her space and grab her hand to turn her toward me. Her bottom lip is tugged between her teeth, gaze to the floor.
“Babe, listen to me. I swear to you she is only my friend, and I use that term loosely. It’s important for Sprite to see her mom. I believe that. Do I wish she was more reliable and called in advance? Absolutely. But like the name thing, Delilah does what Delilah wants. I promise I’ll talk to her and tell her she has to call first. No more just dropping in.”
“You don’t have to do that. It’s not my business. We’re not even—”
“What? Together? Yeah, we are. I want to be with you. We want you to be part of our life, Carrie. My life really is simple even if it looks complicated from the outside. I’m just a single dad who has an amazing little girl and a dog that fancies himself a squirrel saver. Until I met you, I had no idea something was missing. I’m so sorry you were hurt.”
She grants me a smile. It’s barely there, but I’ll take it.
“I swear if you don’t accept his apology I’m going to dump Chris and take him for myself.”
We both stare down at the phone on the desk. While I bark out a laugh, Carrie groans and picks up the receiver.
“I cannot believe you put it on speaker to listen to us. You’re an awful person, Jamie!”
I laugh again as she rolls her eyes and not so carefully puts the phone back on the receiver. I’m sure her inability to hang up right away has more to do with the obnoxious noise it’ll provide on the other end of the line than it does with clumsiness.
“Look, I know you’re conflicted, but I want you to know that Delilah will never stay at the house again. Or, if she needs to I’ll have my mom come over, and I’ll stay at her house. Or yours. It’s about boundaries and something I should have done long ago. I just never had a reason to think about it until now.”
“That’s a lot to ask of you,” she says as I take her hand again, lifting it to my lips and placing a kiss to the knuckle.
“You’re not asking. Besides, it’s what you do when someone you love is hurt. I should let you get back to work. Call me when you want to talk. Delilah will be gone by dinner.”
Not giving her an opening to question what I’ve said, or the fact that I just dropped a little word I never planned to speak out loud, I move quickly from the space and out the door. I never said I wasn’t a little bit of a coward.
Chapter 30
Carrie
As predicted, Delilah left town before I could meet her beyond that one awkward encounter. Part of me was disappointed she was gone. I would have liked to feel her out more, preferably while she was wearing pants. And a parka. Maybe a snowsuit. Anything to cover up her long legs and tiny waist.
The majority of me, though, is still glad she left. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I remind myself that she gave birth to Calypso, it still feels like she took away something that’s mine.
Crazy, right? I don’t own Matthew or his family. I’m not a part of it. But a small piece of me was enjoying pretending I was. And now it feels like I’m back on the outside.
Add onto that, the entire incident has forced my thinly veiled insecurities to rear their ugly irrational heads. I know logically that Matthew isn’t the same guy I mistook with all of those rumors, but logic tends to take a backseat when a barrage of negative emotions have been triggered. And boy, do I mean triggered.
Matthew and I still talk and text every day, but it feels different somehow. Like I’m forcing myself to play the role of happy girlfriend, when really I want to hyperventilate and cling to Matthew’s shirt begging him to not break up with me. Not to break my heart.
I have no idea why my inner child is the age and maturity level of a middle school girl. But I really wish she would grow up and be the independent woman we’ve been working on for all these years. Instead, she’s currently sitting on the couch by herself on New Year’s Eve.
I know Matthew has something model related going on tonight and Calypso is with her grandma, but it still sucks to be sitting here wallowing in my own ridiculous thoughts. I would much rather be spending time with them. And clinging to his shirt.
Stop it, Carrie. Focus on the good things—you’ve got your boys Ben and Jerry, your boys Luke and Sven, and your boy Ryan Seacrest on the boob tube. Life could be worse…
The doorbell rings, which is odd for this time of night. It shouldn’t be my next-door neighbor yet. He isn’t typically drunk this early on New Year’s Eve. I don’t expect him to wander up to my doorstep, thinking my house is his for at least another three hours.
Ryan Seacrest announces yet another musical guest who catches my eye, so I’m only halfway paying attention when I open the door—until I see who it is.
Matthew is standing a few feet back holding a sign that says, “Don’t talk. Just wait.” I furrow my brow because this is odd, made even odder by the fact that Calypso is trying to take a video with his phone. From this angle, it looks like he’s doing a live video, but I can’t really tell since Calypso keeps moving the phone around. For their sake, I hope this isn’t actually live and Matthew can edit out the motion sickness parts later.
Holding up his finger to me, Matthew turns to the phone. “Hey Sprite. What number is on the top of the screen?”
She pulls it closer to her, no doubt making someone need some Dramamine. “One, four, three, five.”
“Thanks, baby girl. There are one thousand, four hundred thirty-five of you out there witnessing my declaration. Pay close attention, though. This next part is going to require some reading.”
I cock my head because I’m so confused as to what’s happening right now. And then he drops the poster board on the ground revealing one behind it. It says, “This is my public declaration.”
“Ohmygod, he’s doing the Love Actually thing,” I mutter, throwing my hand over my mouth in shock. I can only imagine how wide my eyes are at this moment. Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? Did I drink more than my neighbor and am having a hallucination and any moment someone is going to wonder why the crazy lady is standing outside of her house staring at nothingness?
But then he drops another poster board, never taking his eyes off me, and I know this is real. I can only imagine the number of red hearts that are floating across the screen. This is the type of model behavior his followers love.
Looking down at the poster board it reads, “Because I am officially a taken man.”
Another drop.
“You have impressed me…”
Drop.
“You have beguiled me…”
Drop.
“You have loved my child like your own.”
I’m not sure if he’s referring to Calypso or Sven but either way, happy tears start rolling down my face, until he drops another sign revealing two pictures… one of his human child and one of our rodent child. I can’t stop the laugh, and the tears keep coming. Especially when he tosses aside yet another piece.
“And now you have taken my heart.”
Drop.
“No sex required.”
Fingers crossed none of our mutual friends are watching because I will never live that one down.
Drop.
“Since tonight is the end of one year…”
Drop.
“And the beginning of all things new…
Drop.
“And because I know how much you need to know I’m serious…”
Drop.
“I solemnly swear in front of all these people…”
Drop.
“I”
Drop.
“Love”
Drop.
“You.”
My whole body is shaking, and I can’t stop the tears, but in a weird way, I don’t want to. What I’m feeling now isn’t fear. It’s the feeling of my heart
breaking wide open, spilling out with all the love I feel for this man and his beautiful daughter.
I try hard to speak, but nothing comes out so instead I just mouth, “I love you too.”
The last of the signs goes fluttering to the ground as Matthew races to me. His fingers dive into my hair as he pulls me to him and devours my lips with his. His tongue invades my mouth in the most intense, passionate, welcome kiss I’ve ever had in my life. He kisses me like he’s been starved for me and I think in many ways, he was. For our entire relationship—from the bar at the NANA awards until now—I’ve held back. I’ve guarded my heart and a piece of myself.
No longer. There is no doubt Matthew is in this relationship for the long haul. Any final reservations I have fade away.
Finally pulling away, Matthew rests his forehead against mine and I whisper, “Just to be clear… I’m still not putting out.”
I feel the laugh rumble through his body. “I never expected you to. But what do you say we officially go public with this relationship anyway? No hiding. Just us, shouting from the rooftops that we’re it for each other.”
I smile and nod, because that’s exactly the confirmation I need.
Somehow, his smile is even bigger than mine. Turning to Sprite, he reaches his hand out for his phone and then frowns. “What are you doing there, kiddo?”
She’s pointing the phone straight at the ground, attempting to zoom in and out.
“There’s an ant, Daddy. I wanted all the people to see him go marching one-by-one.”
I nuzzle my face into his neck, laughing at her randomness. Matthew chuckles, too, and flicks his fingers at her impatiently.
“That’s really amazing but I need my phone real quick.”
Calypso sighs but complies and goes right back to observing her new friend, this time with her naked eye. Matthew, on the other hand, struggles to get his phone positioned since he’s only using one hand. The other one is around my waist and securely holding me to him.
Eventually, he gets situated and the screen flipped around. “Sorry about that folks. She was the only cameraman I could get at the last second. Not bad for a six-year-old, but my apologies if you got motion sickness from all the movement.”
I lift my head and look at the screen, noting that there are even more people watching now than there were a few minutes ago. I’m not surprised. People love a good romance. Add a hot single dad with abs to the mix and we’re all goners.
“Some of you recognize this beautiful woman.” He glances at me and quickly back to the camera. “Or you might just recognize her name. This is Carrie Mibooks, and she runs the Literary Arts website and blog, which you’ve probably heard of. If you haven’t, you need to get on her website immediately. Her reviews are fantastic.”
I shake my head, not embarrassed but not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing right now. I’m not usually the one in front of the camera. This is all new to me. It feels good. It feels transparent. But it also feels a little out there for someone like me.
“I just want to publicly say,” Matthew continues, “that I love her. She’s amazing. She’s perfection. And she’s mine.”
I watch as the heart emojis go crazy, floating across the screen by the dozens.
Which is exactly how I feel right now too.
Epilogue
Twelve Months Later
Matthew
It amazes me the things a person will do for love. Some will scale mountains while others will watch a movie that normally they would never give the time of day, all out of the gesture of love.
Of course, there are different types of love: platonic, parental, and romantic. When it comes to friends, I have found myself bellying up to a bar to celebrate a birthday and even a retirement.
For my daughter, there is no sacrifice large enough. I will slay a dragon for Sprite or let her paint my fingernails. No matter how grand or simple the request, I’m always there to show her how much I love her.
Then there’s the romantic gesture of love. How we show the woman, or man, the depth of our love for them. Most of my past relationships have been short and honestly not falling into the “relationship” category in the first place so my experience is limited. Sure, I’ve watched my share of romantic movies, both the serious and the funny, and I can usually predict the way a character will express their feelings and commitment to the other. I’ve been accused of ruining a perfectly good movie with my need to “rip apart a beautiful and romantic moment.” That’s Carrie’s opinion. I think these screenwriters need to read more books and step out of their comfort zone with expressions of love.
When I decided to claim Carrie as mine, I went about it in a very public fashion. Something she gave me grief over for a few weeks. Specifically whenever one of the social media followers would tag her in a comment or post. The love of my life, or second love after my daughter, is a private person. Putting herself out to the world has been difficult for her, but she also accepts that it’s part of my job as a cover model. More importantly, she knows I would never do anything to hurt her. Although, when she not so subtlety asked me about how many views the video had received, I knew she liked it a little more than she was letting on. That’s why when she proclaimed she would never do anything to embarrass me like I did to her with my live video, I decided to put all my cards on the table anyway. In an epic fashion.
“Daddy, I don’t think Olaf is happy.”
I turn my attention from the mirror and take in my little princess and her sidekick. Well, he would be her snowman but he seems to have figured out how to remove his costume. Great. I have spent weeks fixing our costumes from Halloween for this night and in just five minutes he’s already messing up my plan.
“Looks like we’re going to have to do this without him.”
Calypso gasps and her eyes widen to the size of half dollars. Or not.
“Okay, maybe he can still come with us, after all it was because of him we found our way to Carrie.”
“Olaf you are a bad boy, and Sven is going to throw nuts at you for messing with the costume.”
She’s not wrong. At Calypso’s request, when Sven was old enough to be released into the trees, we did it in my front yard. We toyed with releasing him in the back, but it takes some time for young squirrels to stay in the trees and we didn’t want Olaf to mess with him.
As predicted, Sven came back every day for a few weeks to be fed while he got settled. And then one day, just like Carrie warned, a flip switched in Sven’s brain and he turned into an ornery menace of a rodent. I think he purposely found an old nest in the backyard, close enough for Olaf to find him and bark incessantly. And I know for a fact I’ve seen him standing on a branch, flicking his tail and taunting my dog. Apparently he learned more from Luke than we gave him credit for.
I adjust the sleeves of my ensemble and turn to motion Sprite out of the room. My phone vibrates with a message from my mom.
Mom: We’re leaving now.
Me: Us too.
Mom: I am so excited. Don’t forget the precious cargo.
Rushing Sprite through the house toward the front door I check my pockets to make sure everything is secure before snagging my keys off the counter. Before I can open the door she stops abruptly and spins on her heel. “Be right back!” And in a flash she’s running through the house with Olaf hot on her heels. Sliding the back door open she sticks her head outside and shouts, “Sven, wish us luck!” Before closing the door again and meeting me at the door.
The drive across town isn’t long but it’s enough that I have to flip the air conditioning on. It’s actually chilly outside, but I don’t even think the breeze would cool me down. I’m so nervous the sweat is running down my back like some sort of faucet is sprouting out of the back of my head. Calypso doesn’t seem to have the same issue as she sings at the top of her lungs in the back seat, bundled up in her coat. I should have sent her with my parents. They think her singing is adorable. It’s also why I suggested they both have their he
aring checked.
“Oh, we’re here! I wonder if Luke is still up.”
Turning off the ignition, I kill the lights and turn to face Sprite but instead get a face full of Olaf’s tongue.
“Gross. Get down, Olaf. Okay, remember the plan. You have to be quiet until the door opens. Then Grandma will signal when it’s your turn to talk.”
Rolling her eyes she releases a heavy sigh. “I know, Daddy. We practiced so many times. Geez.”
I thought the tween phase would start when she hit double digits. Who knew seven was the new ten? Opening the door, I hop down from the truck and open the back door and scoop Sprite up and out of the cab. Taking her hand, we walk toward the house, my parents exiting their car and joining us. I quickly tap a few icons on my phone before handing it to my dad. With a deep breath, I nod to my mom and then exhale as she knocks loudly on the door and then rushes to the lawn.
“Here goes nothing.”
My dad lifts the phone to start recording just as the first beats of the song waft through the little speaker my mom has on the ground. Slowly I rise from the ground and start lip synching to the song, and I know beyond all things my face is the color of a tomato but humiliating myself for this moment is absolutely worth it.
•••
Carrie
“Here ya go, Lukey. Do you want another acorn?”
My boy takes it, sniffs it, and tosses it down.
“I guess that’s a no. You want another pecan, don’t you?” He snatches it out of my hand, startling me. “Oh. I guess so. It seems Matthew really did pick your favorite.”
Luke attacks this nut with the same kind of vengeance every man uses on their favorite foods. It’s not surprising. In the last year, he’s gained at least a pound, which is not a lot unless you only weighed one pound to begin with.
I really should start taking videos of him and posting them. If that Thumbelina chick can become an internet star, surely my boy can too.
Petting his head while he eats, I remark, “It’s just you and me tonight, buddy. Wanna catch up on some Jane the Virgin? She’s our kind of people, huh? Yes she is.”
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