by Jack Harbon
“You disappeared! I thought you were fucking dead. I thought you’d been hurt. Not even Nicola knew what happened to you. So, don’t you dare try to touch me or comfort me or tell me to stop! You just sit there and focus on not falling flat on your drunk ass.”
The words he spit out weren’t what he thought they’d be. He didn’t feel empowered. He didn’t feel free, like he was finally moving on. If anything, speaking only made him hurt. His throat ached and his eyes burned. His energy was sapped from his body, but the tiny bit of dignity he still had kept him from falling to the ground and crying.
Arthur stood silent as Mateo continued to dump out all of the things he’d brought over. When he was done, Mateo took a few deep breaths and dried his wet eyes. The two of them stared at one another for a long time. Arthur almost looked lucid, but Mateo could tell that he was still tipsy.
“I’m sorry,” Arthur said.
“I don’t believe you.”
“I mean it, Mateo. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t believe you,” Mateo cried. “I don’t trust you. I thought that I could. I thought I could open up about myself and let myself really care about you, but not like this. Not when you treat the people you care about like this. That’s if you even care about me at all.”
“Stop it!” Arthur shouted. Mateo jumped, stepping back. “I care about you, don’t ever say something like that. I care about you, and that makes me...”
“It makes you what? Leave them high and dry after being their first? I gave you everything and you threw me out of your house,” Mateo said, his voice breaking.
“It makes me afraid. It scares the shit out of me that I can care about someone and trust someone as much as I do you.”
“Then tell me why you kicked me out? Why’d you vanish from my life? Do you know how upset that made me? It made me feel like you’d used me. It felt like I opened myself up and you stuck me right in the heart. Why would you do that?”
“I can’t tell you,” Arthur whispered, shaking his head. He ran his hands through his hair and stepped away, walking back to his apartment. The doorman offered a hand that Arthur knocked aside, stumbling into the building.
“Are you kidding me?” Mateo croaked. “You’re seriously walking again? Just fucking talk to me!”
“I can’t.”
Arthur pushed through the door and walked up to the elevator, glancing back at Mateo before he stepped inside. Mateo was left alone, simmering and stewing in his anger. He wanted to throw his suitcase through Arthur’s window. He wanted to break something. Instead, he gritted his teeth and climbed back inside his car. He dialed Arthur’s number and waited for the voicemail to beep.
“What a surprise, you didn’t answer your phone!” he said sarcastically. “I hope you know that that was the last chance I’m giving you. Whatever you’re going through, you obviously don’t want my help, so you’re on your own, and I mean that. Don’t call me back, don’t text me. If you need someone to talk to, why don’t you try hitting up Nicola? She’s one of the few people around who has the patience to put up with this bullshit every year.” Mateo hung up and tossed his phone into the passenger’s seat, pulling the car from the curb to drive home.
He pulled over twice to cry.
23
YOU’RE IT
Valerie and Rob could barely be heard over the thumping sound of pop music that filled the lively roller rink. Mateo was only half-listening anyway, so he wasn’t too concerned with what the two bickered about. If it were up to him, the three of them would have just kicked back at one of their places and watched movies. Instead, Valerie suggested they get out of the house and do something fun, and Mateo had been outvoted. She called up a few people and scheduled a group event. Mateo begrudgingly dressed himself in a pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt before heading to the rink.
He hadn’t been to RJ’s Roller World in years, and had he been in a better mood, nostalgia would have hit him hard. The first time was for Angel’s thirteenth birthday, and rather than skating, the boys had spent all of their parents’ money on the arcade games off to the back of the building. Angel won him a teddy bear from the claw machine—a feat neither of them had known was even possible.
Now, all he wanted to do was eat something unhealthy and watch mind-numbing reality television. It might be cathartic to watch some criminal show about girlfriends who killed their shitty boyfriends. As long as he wasn’t thinking about...
“Damn it,” Mateo mumbled to himself.
It was nearly impossible not to think about Arthur. He tried his best, but he found himself constantly repeating their last interaction in his head. The sloppy, un-Arthur-like way the man carried himself. The disheveled clothes and unshaven face. The bitter ache in his heart as he drove away. It still made him sick, but he was trying to work through it. He couldn’t remain in this one place. Just as he was trying to continue living after his father’s death, he had to move forward from this pain as well.
“I’ll be right back,” Mateo said to his friends. “I just need to clear my head for a second.”
Valerie nodded understandingly, and Rob gave his shoulder a squeeze.
Mateo pushed outside of the building and took in deep gulps of smoke-filled air. He spotted a man puffing on a cigarette and walked to the other side of the building. When he was sure that he was alone, he leaned against the wall and covered his face with his hands.
“Stop being like this,” he chastised himself. “Arthur ignored you. He treated you like shit, and you’re better than that. You’ve been through too much to let yourself be treated like that.” The pep-talks had become something he did regularly. Whenever he felt down about himself, he had to verbally whip himself back into shape.
“Jesus,” he exclaimed. “Fuck him. Fuck him and that stupid gun, that check, fuck all of it.” He couldn’t keep going down this path, pressing his fingers against the wound to see if it hurt. Each time he did, he’d disrupt the scab—the healing process. The only thing he could do was give it time, even if it made him feel helpless. The one thing no amount of ice cream or TV could fix was how long it would take to be okay again.
Mateo pressed the heels of his palm against his eyes and took a slow breath. He was okay. He could keep it together tonight. When he stood upright and turned to head back inside, he spotted a familiar face standing a few feet away. He was a friend of a friend, a year or two older than Mateo, with shaggy brown hair, golden skin, and a pair of aviator glasses that Mateo suspected might have been prescription.
“Sorry!” the guy exclaimed. Mateo remembered him introducing himself as Gino. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I thought you were on the phone. Just wanted to make sure you were good. You looked like you were going through some shit.”
“Oh, well... Thanks.” Mateo smiled out of embarrassment. “I wasn’t on the phone. Just talking to myself like a weirdo.”
“Hey, nothing wrong with that,” Gino offered, shrugging. “Are you feeling better?”
“Not really, but I’ll be okay.”
“How out of line is it for me to ask what’s wrong?”
“I just broke up with my boyfriend and I’m trying to convince myself not to call him and take him back. Not that he’ll even pick up the phone.”
Gino made a face and looked at his feet, visibly unsure how to respond. After a moment, he said, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know. But it still sucks, and I’m still sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I’m also dealing with someone that doesn’t pick up the phone. I mean, I kind of fucked that situation up, but…”
Mateo didn’t want to admit that it did make him feel better. In his grief, he’d been overcome with heavy solitude. Knowing that he wasn’t the only one unhappy eased some of that loneliness.
“We’re having pretty shit luck,” Mateo said, offering a smile.
“Don’t I know it.”
Mateo looked down at his feet, chewing on his bottom lip. “I didn’t
even want to come out tonight. I’d rather stuff my face and cry over The Bachelorette. How pathetic is that?”
“Less pathetic than sending your ex a fifth text even though he ignored the last four,” Gino said.
“Dating sucks,” was all Mateo could come up with.
Gino approached, nudging his shoulder. “Do you need a hug? I think you need a hug.”
“I’m okay. I just need a distraction.”
“Well,” Gino said, “Get your ass back in there, throw on some skates, and I’ll give you the best distraction you’ve ever had.” When Mateo didn’t make a move, Gino hooked his arm in Mateo’s and began leading him back to the front door. Maybe it was a little forward, but Mateo didn’t mind. He needed someone to save him from his own morose self.
Gino only let him go to pull on his skates, encouraging Mateo to do the same. Once they were both laced up, they returned to the rink. As they wobbled to the center, Valerie slid up beside them.
“Feeling any better, babe?” she asked. Mateo shrugged but smiled. He didn’t want to be a buzzkill, especially not with a Carly Rae Jepsen song playing.
“I’ll be alright.”
“Good,” Valerie said. She started to say something else when her eyes lit up. Mateo looked over his shoulder to see Rob staring in their direction, waving and pointing to a giant plate of nachos. RJ’s had the best nachos around, and Mateo was almost jealous watching Valerie skate towards Rob to eat.
“You’re it,” Gino said suddenly.
“Huh?”
Gino tapped his shoulder then took off skating, leaving Mateo in his dust. The realization set in, and suddenly the last thing on Mateo’s mind was food. He set his jaw and began racing after Gino with determination. Mateo couldn’t help but bubble with laughter as Gino swerved around people, always just a hair too far away. Just as he got closer to tagging him, Gino took a hard left that sent Mateo spiraling. He landed on his butt with a heavy thud.
“Shit,” he laughed, flopping down on his back in defeat. Gino approached and stuck his hand out for him. Mateo didn’t take the hand immediately. “But you’re letting me tag you.”
“Just get up,” Gino exclaimed, shaking his hand for added emphasis. Mateo took his hand and pulled himself up. His balance wavered for a moment and Gino shot forward, holding his waist to keep him from falling over again. Mateo stabilized himself and glanced down at the palm on his hip.
“Sorry,” Gino said, pulling his hand back.
The surprise wasn’t in Gino’s touch. It was in the fact that Mateo didn’t mind it.
“I should tell you something,” Gino said. He took a step closer.
“What?”
“I think you’re still it. Try not to fall this time,” he teased. And with that, he spun around and continued the game.
*
While the others in the group walked at a quicker pace, chattering and gossiping about god only knew what, Mateo and Gino fell back from the crowd, sharing stories about their friends. Gino was in the middle of discussing the time he and one of the guys up front went rafting and tipped over. After they finished laughing about the rushing waves that nearly ended them, Gino turned to him and said,
“Do you want any of this?” He held his ice cream cone out to Mateo. For a moment, he started to say yes, but quickly changed his mind. Maybe this was all a bit too fast.
“Um—I’ll pass. Not my flavor, sadly.” He licked his orange Creamsicle instead. Gino shrugged and continued eating. After twenty minutes, they rejoined the group just as they turned the corner leading towards Mateo’s place. Valerie and the others planned on heading to the park that sat just between the old and new apartments, and as much as he wanted to go with them, he had work early in the morning.
Rob put an arm around him as Mateo dug through his pockets for his key. “You sure you can’t stay with us?” he asked.
“I wish I could, but my boss has been really lenient since Dad died. I don’t want to call in again if it’s not something really important, y’know?”
“I feel you,” Rob said as he pulled him into a tight hug. “You get some sleep, okay? Call me if you want to talk.”
Mateo smiled. “I will. Thank you for not letting me mope around all night.”
“That’s what we’re for,” Valerie said, suddenly appearing at his side.
Mateo looked back at the faces of all the acquaintances he’d made during the night. “Thank you guys for putting up with me,” he said, forcing a laugh. “I know I was probably kind of a mood-killer, but I still had a lot of fun.”
He was met with a chorus of voices.
“It was really nice meeting you!”
“Hope you feel better, sweetie.”
“Have a good night!”
He smiled and nodded at each of the goodbyes. Valerie pecked him on the cheek and ran off to catch up with Rob and the rest of the group. He watched as they rounded the corner, a fond smile on his face. He wasn’t sure how often he’d see all of Valerie and Rob’s friends, but he wouldn’t be opposed to spending more time with them.
Once they were gone, Mateo dug through his pockets. He pulled his key out and started for the stairs, but before he could climb too many, he heard the sound of approaching footsteps. He looked up to see Gino coming his way.
“Hey. I didn’t really get a chance to thank you in private, so I’m doing it now. You were really great company, and damn good competition. This is for you,” Gino said. He handed him a folded-up piece of paper. Mateo glanced down at the number and smiled. “Call me if you ever want to hang out. Just you and I.”
“I... I will do just that,” Mateo chuckled. He stuffed the paper in his pocket for safe keeping.
“You have a good night.”
“You too,” Mateo said.
When he was finally alone, Mateo took a deep breath and headed inside. The apartment was silent. Curiously, he poked his head in his siblings’ bedroom and found his mother cuddled up in bed with Salome. Ever since Sergio had passed, she’d started visiting them every night.
A somber wave washed over him, and Mateo found himself rummaging around in a box of his father’s old clothes. He removed a sweater from the bottom and began undressing, stripping down to his boxers. The sweater was much too large for him, hanging down to the middle of his thighs, but he had never been happier pulling it over his head. He pressed his nose into the front collar and could faintly smell the cologne his father had worn every day.
Over the course of the night, he’d come to realize something. He’d been so caught up with everyone else that he’d nearly forgotten that he was a person all on his own. He wasn’t worried about taking care of the bills. His father was at peace now. He’d gotten closure from Arthur—kind of. Valerie and Rob loved him. And then there was Gino. The new boy that seemed ever-so-slightly interested in him.
The tiniest part of him wanted to believe it was wrong to focus on himself, but the greater portion, the more rational side, shouted the exact opposite. It was time to love himself, to take care of himself. To feel.
Mateo looked through his wallet until he found a picture of himself and Angel. He lay back on the bed and held the picture in the air, his frown turning into a smile. They’d taken this picture on Mateo’s first day of school. He wore a pair of jean shorts and a tucked-in red polo that already had a stain on it from breakfast that morning. It felt like years ago—but also just last week.
Mateo folded the paper and pressed it close to his heart. He knew that the two of them would be reunited. Sergio would finally get to see his boy again. His eldest. The thought brought tears to his eyes, but for the first time in weeks, they were happy ones.
24
WEIGHTLESSNESS
“Rob,” Valerie whined. He laughed and finally tossed the remote back to her. Mateo had no doubt that if she’d been closer to him, she would have swatted Rob’s arm or shoved him or something. Thankfully he sat on the floor of the living room, completely out of the line of fire.
“Guy
s, stop fighting for a second. Which class did you guys say you were taking for your other biology requirement?” he asked. He looked up at them. He held his laptop between his legs, tapping away on his college’s website.
“Nutrition. It’s hella easy, too,” Rob said. “I signed up for Shackle’s class. Antoine told me she was easy to deal with and the work was pretty much straight from the book.”
“Good,” Mateo said, clicking through until he’d signed up for the class. “I don’t know anything about science, so the easier, the better.”
“Lucky for you two Einsteins, I’m great at science,” Valerie smiled. She stood up from the sofa and sauntered over to the bar. It was always disjointing seeing Valerie so confidently drink in her own house, but that’s just how things were at the Kahn residence. Mateo only drank with his family at holiday parties and get-togethers. Valerie topped off her glass and sat down beside him, flicking through the stations.
“Are you sure you can’t stay the night with me and Rob? Jessie found our old NES and we’re gonna play Super Smash Brothers.”
Mateo fought back the pang in his chest at hearing that game. That was Arthur’s favorite.
God, he thought to himself. I’ve become that person.
The kind who recalled all the good moments he’d had with his ex each time someone brought up a favorite of theirs. Arthur liked this, Arthur always loved that. It was annoying to Mateo when someone else did it. There was no way he was going to annoy his friends with that kind of thinking.
“I wish I could, but I already promised Gino that I’d go out with him tonight,” Mateo said.
“Ditching us for a dick appointment. Wow,” Rob teased.
Mateo scrunched up his face. “It’s not a ‘dick appointment.’ Gino and I haven’t even slept together.” He caught the shocked look on Valerie’s face.
“You guys have been talking to each other for like, three weeks, and you haven’t even hooked up yet?”
“God, no,” Mateo said, “You know I’m with that lovey-dovey shit. I’m not the type to mess around with someone just because we like each other. I want there to be that connection. It has to be there for me otherwise nothing else is going to happen.”