by Rosanna Leo
“Dana?”
“Hollow. So hollow.”
Her cry broke his heart. Alex reached behind him and turned on the bedside table light to its dimmest setting.
Her face…it was changed by anguish. Her eyes were squeezed shut. Her mouth was contorted. She reached for her hair and pulled.
“Dana.” He gently removed her curls from her hand. “Dana, wake up, sweetheart. You’re having a bad dream.”
When her eyes opened, they were filled with dark wonder. It wasn’t the only emotion flitting there.
He saw shame.
“Alex?”
“I’m here.” He gave her a soft kiss. “I’m right here.”
She began to cry.
Her tears. They sliced into him like knives. “Please don’t cry. Tell me what’s wrong.”
She rolled over. “I should go.”
“What are you doing?”
She sat up and began looking for her clothes. “I shouldn’t have stayed.” Seeing her bra at the bottom of his closet, her gown on the floor, her shoulders sagged. “Shit. I’d give anything for a pair of sweat pants and some granny panties.”
“Hey. Come here.” He pulled her back onto the bed and under the covers, even though she resisted. “Why are you doing this? I want you to stay.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yeah, so you keep saying. Thing is, Dana, you’re the first woman I’ve brought to my bed in over a year and I let you tie me to it. That was a first, even for me. So, believe me when I say I want you to stay.”
She fell onto the pillow, facing him. Every trace of his warrior woman was gone.
“Tell me what’s going on. Why are you…broken?”
“I…how did you…?”
“You talked in your sleep, but you’ve said it before. I’ve been paying close attention. It’s time to come clean.”
“It’ll change things, Alex. Between you and me. It’ll change everything.”
“Dana, if you can’t be honest with me,” he replied, keeping his voice gentle, “then things have already changed.”
“No one knows. Only Tommy.”
“You can trust me.”
She sucked on her bottom lip and then released it. “I received a diagnosis a little while ago.”
Diagnosis. It was the last word he wanted to hear coming out of her mouth. The word itself was vile, but it caused a whole other bunch of horrible words to shoot in front of his eyes. They blared in red, as if from a neon sign.
Cancer.
Multiple Sclerosis.
AIDS.
Measles. Mumps, Rubella. Even fucking leprosy.
His insides untethered. Cords of sinew and nerve unraveled, loosening every organ, every bone. Everything in him seemed to plummet as he considered the implications. When his voice did emerge, it sounded muffled, unsure. “What is it?”
“They call it premature ovarian failure.”
“What does that mean?”
“Basically, it means I can’t have children.”
When the sigh of relief escaped him, he hated himself for it. The diagnosis was obviously hurting her and yet he couldn’t help automatically comparing it to other conditions, never mind diseases. He just wanted to know one thing. Was it dangerous?
Did it hurt her?
Would it go away?
Okay, he had a lot of questions. At the same time, Alex was so grateful she wasn’t sick. Or was she? He had no idea what this meant for her health. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“Does it mean you’re sick?”
“No. Just barren.”
Barren. Another terrible word. When he looked at Dana, the last thing he saw was something cold and devoid of life. What he saw was a vibrant, intelligent woman, one who was so lovely she made his head spin. He didn’t ever want to hear her call herself barren again. “I take it you and Tommy had planned for a family?”
“Yeah. Him, especially. He loves children and wants to have a big family.”
“Is that why he ended things between you?”
She nodded. “He called off the engagement a full thirty minutes after the doctor gave me the diagnosis.”
“The little fucker.”
“I wasn’t enough for him. Full stop. He wants a wife who will give him babies, their own babies. In his view, he’d almost bought a lemon so it was time to return it to the shop.”
“You’re not a lemon.”
“See, there’s the thing, Alex. I’ve been trying really hard to tell myself that but it’s hard to stay positive when the man who was supposed to love you forever tells you you’re not quite right. In Tommy’s eyes, I can’t be fixed. No one can tinker with me and pimp this ride. This won’t go away.” She sat up, holding the sheets over her breasts. “I don’t have all the same bells and whistles as other women. According to him, I’m the car with the wonky horn and a muffler that’s dragging on the ground.”
“Is he the one who compared you to a rundown car? Because if he is, I will find him now and make him apologize.” When his voice started to echo in the room, he lowered it. “Or is this what you think of yourself?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I choose the wrong metaphor? What should I compare myself to then? Other women? Okay. Other women are fertile. I’m not. Other women manage to have babies. Some of them don’t even want children and they still end up having tons of them. I can’t. I’ve seen some women ignore more of their children than I can ever conceive. And why? Because of some fluke. Because God or the universe or karma, or whatever the hell you want to call it, decided I didn’t deserve the same choices. My fiancé walked out because he thought I wasn’t enough of a woman. Because he thought I was defective. Unable to create life. Broken.” She gestured at her belly. “My line ends with me.”
At the end of her tirade, tears poured down her cheeks.
Alex didn’t think, didn’t wait. He sat up and enfolded her in his arms, and let her cry until she had no more tears.
“That night at Joe’s, you took me out of myself. For a while, I managed to forget everything. I thought I was functioning. Then I saw you again and all those feelings came back, the need to just forget. At Covet, you helped me feel pretty and desirable again. When you touch me, I feel good about myself. It’s why I keep coming back.”
Alex’s throat scratched. He cleared it. “You shouldn’t need me to feel good about yourself. There’s plenty to feel good about.”
“I appreciate that and I know what you’re saying. I really do. I’ve never felt this way before. I know I have a lot going for me and maybe one day, I will get past this. That’s why it hurts me so much to feel so stuck. The only time I can shut out Tommy’s voice is when you’re inside me. I’m sorry. I know I just wanted to use you for sex.”
“Would it be terrible if I told you I didn’t have a problem with that?”
Her laugh was quiet, small, unenthusiastic. “I’m just so tired.”
“I can only imagine.” He kissed her temple, lingering on her soft skin. “And your sister doesn’t know?”
“I didn’t want to upset her.”
“You have to tell her. She goes home tomorrow. You all go home tomorrow.” The idea made him want to vomit, even if Dana did live in Vegas. He liked having her under his roof. He wanted to keep her there.
“I know. Before checkout, I’ll talk to her. It was a mistake to keep everything bottled up.”
“Don’t blame yourself. You’ve been dealing with a lot of stress, and on your own.”
“I feel better when I’m with you.”
“I’m glad.”
“But this has to stop, Alex. It’s not fair to you.”
“With all due respect, you don’t get to decide what’s fair to me.”
“We have to nip this in the bud before emotions get involved.” She pulled her chin into her chest, as if retreating.
He touched a finger to her chin and made her look at him. “Too late.”
A year ago, he wasn’t sure he even h
ad any emotions, other than the circling black fog that surrounded him.
Dana had poked a hole in the darkness, whether she knew it or not. She’d let the light in and now he didn’t want to cover it up ever again.
She lay back down on a sigh and he lay with her. As he reached his arm under the covers to hold her, he realized she was stroking her stomach, absentmindedly rubbing.
Other women are fertile. I’m not.
Horrible memories of Shannon’s last hours encroached.
For once, he didn’t fight them.
When he made the decision to leave New York, the Deans had accused him of running from the truth, from justice even.
If only they’d known he was running from memories and shame.
Somehow, they’d followed.
Alex had always been the sort of man who managed his feelings, but there were times when the lack of closure ate into him. Was there something more he could have done to salvage their wreck of a relationship?
He’d never know now.
The Dean family had seen to that. They’d swooped in, claimed their blood relative and excluded Alex from any of the funeral arrangements.
Leaving him with nothing but memories that ate into him. Memories that cut so deep, he’d been forced to up sticks and leave his home.
Leaving him alone, aching for the family he would never have.
In his darkest moments, he’d realized how much he wanted it.
Now he knew the truth about Dana. Did it change things?
He couldn’t lie to himself. Despite his unorthodox work life, he’d always planned on having a family. He and Shannon had discussed it in their happier days. He’d even envisioned it. One of his favorite fantasies used to be holding his little girl’s hand, a daughter who looked just like her mother.
When Shannon began to doubt his fidelity, those fantasies stopped.
He’d forgotten how badly he wanted to make them a reality.
And now, here he lay, sharing in the aching vulnerability of a woman who would never give birth. His heart broke for Dana and he hated the fact Tommy had given her no time before dropping his bombshell. The man just panicked. Nothing else made sense, unless Tommy was just a mean bastard. If that was the case, he doubted Dana would ever have fallen in love with him. A part of him understood Tommy’s misgivings, but if Alex had been in his place, he liked to think he wouldn’t have reacted the same way.
He wanted to believe he was stronger than that.
If you loved someone and she loved you back, shouldn’t that be enough?
She felt inferior to other women. Few things had saddened him more.
She believed there was a hole inside her. He didn’t think for one moment that he was capable of patching it, but she’d said herself he helped her feel better. He helped her feel desired.
He could do it again.
Maybe this wasn’t about planning futures. They should be taking things one step at a time. Right now, all he knew was he wanted Dana. He knew it as well as he knew his own reflection. But she obviously had lots to consider and he probably did too.
“Dana?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you even want children?”
“Truthfully? I don’t know, but I never wanted to rule out the possibility. I never wanted to have it taken from me.”
“I realize this is just my opinion, but I think you might need to decide what it is you want. If you can sort that out in your head, maybe this diagnosis won’t be so painful.”
“You’re probably right. I need to figure out what I want.” She snuggled in deeper. “Do you mind turning out the light?”
He reached over and turned it out. He lay awake, eyes wide open.
She’d trusted him with the knowledge and he owed it to her to respect it. Was she just using him for sex? Frankly, he didn’t care. He just wanted her in his bed and he’d wanted it from day one.
The future would resolve itself.
Right now, he just had to tread carefully, for her heart and for his. She didn’t need any extra complications and neither did he. This thing with Dana was powerful but he had no idea how it would end, and he didn’t want to hurt her in the process. She’d suffered enough.
As for him? Maybe he needed to give her some space to come to terms with her new reality. It might also give him a chance to figure out what he wanted.
If he was smart, he’d insist they maintain a friendly relationship. No touching. No longing. And no more nights at Covet.
It was probably for the best.
Friends.
He could do this.
Even as his sensible brain reiterated the plan, his fingers curled against her back, hugging her tighter.
Friends.
Yeah, right.
Chapter Eleven
Before dawn, Alex accompanied Dana back to her suite. Although dressed in that sinful red gown again, she appeared younger, more fragile. She’d draped her beige trench coat around her shoulders and she clutched it around the neck, as if warding off a chill.
The penthouse level hallway was quiet and so were they. She hadn’t been talkative when they were getting dressed and he didn’t know what to say. He hoped his presence would be enough.
When they reached her door, she turned to him and removed her jacket, slinging it over her arm. “Well, I guess this is it.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“You know as well as I do, it does.” She touched his chin. “I should have stayed far away from you, Alex Markov.”
“Why should you? You’re a dynamic woman. Last I checked, no one was trying to wall you up alive in an old castle.”
“There’s an idea.”
“Dana…”
“I’m joking. I am capable of humor from time to time.” She flattened her hand on his chest, slowly dragging it downward. “Last night was…”
“It was the best I’ve ever had.”
“Yeah, for me too. Until I messed it up.”
“You didn’t mess anything up. I want…I want to try.”
“I don’t think that’s wise.”
“Fuck wisdom. Wisdom can kiss my ass.”
His words almost got a smile out of her but that hint of a grin disappeared when they heard the shuffling at the next door. It opened. Anise walked into the hallway, dressed in the hotel slippers and bathrobe. When she saw them in a clutch, and Dana in that dress, her mouth fell open. “So, I guess you two are a thing now?”
Alex said “yes,” the same time Dana said “no.”
They gave each other a look and then Dana turned to her sister. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
Anise’s eyes widened. “If you tell me you just eloped with that man, and in that dress…”
“Get inside and sit down.” Red in the face, Dana unlocked her suite door and nudged Anise inside. She held the door open for Alex. “Would you stay? Please.”
“Of course.”
She shut the door behind him.
Anise crossed her arms and sat on the couch. “I’m waiting.”
Dana took a deep breath and sat on the couch opposite her. Alex risked Anise’s wrath and sat next to Dana. Anise looked him up and down and rolled her eyes.
Dana sat up tall. Alex grabbed her hand and held it. She squeezed it. “I never told you why Tommy broke up with me.”
“I know,” said Anise. “I’ve been trying to figure that one out.”
“We found out I can’t have children.”
“Wait. What? You can’t have children?”
“No.”
“But…how? Why not?”
“I have a condition called premature ovarian failure.”
Anise’s eyes welled up. “Are you sick?”
“No. I just can’t conceive. Tommy couldn’t deal with it, so he left. I couldn’t bear to tell you, not with everything going on between you and Roman.”
“Oh, honey.” Anise flew to her, so Alex got up from his seat and let her sit next to her sister. “I’m s
o sorry.”
As the sisters embraced, he perched on the armrest of the other couch. He licked his lips, amazed that Dana’s taste and scent still lingered all around him. She’d been trying so hard to warn him away when all he wanted was to keep her at his side. Now that he understood why, he wanted to keep her even closer.
He was an idiot. To think he’d attributed her sorrow to losing Tommy when she’d lost so much more than that. And yet it was Tommy’s rejection that shaped the way she viewed herself. He’d made her feel like damaged goods.
Alex wanted to damage Tommy. He wanted to pulverize him.
In a moment of weakness, when Dana had fallen asleep in the early hours, Alex had pulled out his cellphone. He’d sought out Dana’s Facebook profile. The search had left a pit in his gut. She hadn’t updated her profile in months and her status was still listed as “Engaged.” Her page was littered with pictures of her and Tommy.
Although Alex had taken perverse delight in picturing Dana’s ex as an ogre, the truth was quite the opposite. Tommy Parker was a handsome white man with a shaved head and a twinkle in his eye. In every photo, he was either kissing Dana or had his arms around her. There were images of them hiking together, biking together, going on a trip to Amsterdam together. They had a history, one full of laughs and funny faces and little heart emojis.
It had sickened Alex and he hated himself for feeling that way, especially because if the photos were to be believed, Tommy looked like a good guy. The sort any man would want as a friend.
But that didn’t change the way Alex felt. He hated Tommy for hurting her, for thinking she was anything less than perfect.
The woman in those Facebook photos didn’t resemble the woman sitting in front of him. Dana’s shoulders were hunched. Her skin was pale. Her voice was soft and low as she spoke to Anise.
Alex’s ribs scraped against the pulsing organ housed inside them.
He wanted to be better than Tommy.
He wanted to be better for Dana.
“I can’t believe it,” said Anise. “I hate what Tommy did to you, but are you sure you can’t salvage what you had?”
“I’m sure.”
“Why should she even try?” Alex couldn’t help putting his two cents in. “Tommy had his chance. He blew it.”