by Annie Murray
‘Isadora is not fully able to be educated. She has certain – difficulties. Unfortunately she is much attached to her ayah, the Indian girl who continues to look after her. We’ve tried several times to prise her away from the girl, but it’s no good.’ Now there was bitterness in her voice.
She’s jealous, Lily saw. It was a chink in the woman’s armour, and even though she found her cold and intimidating, she could see that Mrs Fairford suffered because she thought her daughter loved an Indian girl better than her own mother, that there was much that lay behind this frosty mask.
‘Cosmo is to be your charge.’ For a second her tone softened a tiny fraction, but immediately grew cool again. ‘We don’t want him brought up by natives. When he’s old enough he’ll go home to Eton, like his father, away from this beastly country. He will learn to be an English gentleman. In the meantime we want you to speak with him – in English, of course, always: you must stop his native prattle. Teach him songs and games from home, his letters and numbers and so on. Above all—’ suddenly she looked very directly at Lily as she spoke, with a tone of pleading – ‘be a friend to him.’
‘Yes, Mrs Fairford.’ She was not sure what else to say to this odd, naked request. She felt very discouraged by what she had seen so far of this chilly household. What on earth could Captain Fairford be like? She imagined a tight-lipped, forbidding man and wondered if that was the reason why Mrs Fairford seemed so tense and unhappy. Because she could see straight away that she was not looking at a contented woman. She decided to take the woman’s plea for her son as a sign of hope.
‘When am I to meet your little boy?’ she asked.
‘He and Isadora are resting at present. I suggest you go and do the same. I’ll send one of the servants to bring you to the nursery at teatime.’ It was a dismissal.
‘Yes, ma’am,’ Lily said.
‘You may call me Mrs Fairford. I don’t enjoy being called “ma’am”.’
‘Yes, Mrs Fairford.’
Her employer stood up. ‘You may go.’
Lily left the room, feeling low and close to tears. Was she wrong to expect Mrs Fairford to ask her a single thing about herself, about her welfare after her long journey, or to give some indication of welcome or gladness?
You’ve been too used to Mrs Chappell, she told herself as she slipped along the passage to her bedroom. Not everyone’s like that. You’re going to have to get used to the fact that you’re a servant and nothing else.
But as she lay down on her bed, having crawled in under the swathing mosquito net, it was a dispiriting thought, and her heart ached with unshed tears. On the journey to get here she had felt only excitement and expectation, but now she felt chilled and lonely.
Chapter Five
To her surprise she was awoken by a servant in a maroon uniform bringing a cup of very sweet tea which revived her spirits. The sight of his friendly face also made her feel better and he provided a pitcher of warm water with which she washed, then changed her clothes. Some time later the servant returned.
‘I am to take you to the nursery – Mrs Fairford sent me to fetch you.’
As she made to leave the room, he added politely, ‘Your name is?’
She gave him her name and he said his was Rajinder. His would be the first of many names she had to learn of the family’s large retinue of servants.
The nursery consisted of two adjoining rooms, one for each of the children. Mrs Fairford was waiting for her with both the children: Cosmo on the floor, head bent over a box of wooden bricks, and the girl on a big rocking horse at the side of the room. Lily was delighted to see that they had a magnificent array of toys.
Squatting on the floor beside the boy was the young ayah, dressed in a deep red sari. Lily was perturbed to see she had a silver ring through her left nostril. Mrs Fairford sat looking very stiff and formal and Lily felt once again intimidated, though at the same time she suddenly saw that their ages were not so very far apart either. Susan Fairford could not have been many years her senior, but it felt as if a great gulf of age and class separated them.
‘Ah – Miss Waters,’ she said in her clipped, cut-glass voice. ‘Your timing is good, at least. These are my children. Isadora, Cosmo – this lady has come to live with us. She has come to be your new nanny, Cosmo, darling!’ There was the first real hint of warmth in her voice as she spoke to her little boy.
‘Izzy – Isadora! Say hello to Miss Waters.’
The girl stopped rocking for a moment and looked at Lily from beneath a very straight fringe of mole-brown hair. She had a round face with slanting eyes which stared hard at Lily. Then she smiled in a remote, inward-looking way and said something Lily couldn’t make any sense of before going back to her rocking.
‘In English, please, Izzy,’ her mother rebuked her sharply. ‘This is the trouble, you see, with children spending all their time with native servants. They pick up all sorts of bad habits.’
Lily glanced at the Indian girl. It seemed very rude of Mrs Fairford to speak like this in front of her, but her face remained expressionless.
‘Now – Cosmo, darling,’ Mrs Fairford’s pretty face softened a fraction. ‘Come and meet Miss Waters.’
The boy stood up and came towards them and as he did so, Lily experienced a peculiar pang. Never before had she seen such a beautiful child! He was slender, almost fairy-like, with a head of tumbling, honey-coloured hair. His lavender-blue eyes were widely set and shone with life and energy, with an open affection, utterly winning in its lack of guile. He was wearing a navy and white sailor suit, and his little legs, protruding from the shorts were slim, and fragile-looking.
‘Oh!’ Lily exclaimed, hardly meaning to. ‘Hello, Cosmo, dear! Aren’t you lovely!’
She squatted down as he came towards her and to her surprise he ran straight into her arms and cuddled her, clinging on like a baby monkey. She found herself laughing and, caught off balance, almost tumbling over.
‘My goodness, well, this is a very nice greeting!’
Looking up as she held the slender form of Cosmo Fairford, she caught sight of his mother’s face, alight with a kind of wistful joy. The ayah was smiling as well and Lily saw that she was young and sweet-faced.
‘Nursie nursie!’ Cosmo drew back and chanted into her face. ‘My nursie nursie!’
‘Yes – I’m your nursie,’ Lily agreed, a smile of joy on her face. In that moment she had received the warm welcome for which she had yearned.
‘Well – he appears to approve of you, at least,’ Mrs Fairford said. As she got to her feet she seemed to close down again, becoming cold and withdrawn. ‘The children always spend an hour with myself and their father before bed. Otherwise, Ayah will be able to tell you about Cosmo’s routine and his likes and dislikes.’
She went over to Isadora who looked round at her with a blank expression, then as she went to pat the girl’s head, Isadora fought her off, screeching.
‘Oh, Isadora, do you have to?’ Mrs Fairford withdrew, her voice full of weary distaste, as Isadora cried, ‘Ayah! Want Ayah!’
The ayah seemed to have more success in soothing the child’s strange outburst. Lily could see that Mrs Fairford tried not to show the change in her feelings as she parted with her son, but her smile, the softening of her eyes showed the great love she had for him, which broke through her mask of coldness. She kissed his cheek, stroking his hair.
‘You talk to Miss Waters about your little Chip-chip, um, darling?’ Aside to Lily, ignoring Isadora’s screams, she explained, ‘He has a favourite chipmunk in the garden. Goodbye, Cosmo, darling – Pater and I will see you later on.’ She left the room with a rustling of skirts.
Isadora’s tantrum only lasted a few moments, as the ayah stroked her head, and arms, soothing her, then hummed a melancholy, high-pitched tune. She looked young, barely eighteen, Lily guessed, but there was something full-figured and mature about her. As she stroked Isadora’s head, the silver bangles on her arm gave off musical little jangling sounds. Now
her mistress had left she seemed to feel free to speak. She turned and smiled sweetly at Lily.
‘Missy-baba is getting upset sometime. She like me to sing to her.’
‘You’re good with her. She likes you,’ Lily said, admiringly. It was clear that the girl’s mother had little affection for her and no idea how to behave towards her and it seemed very sad. Instead, Isadora had attached herself to this loving young girl who would give her affection.
‘She is good girl,’ the ayah said. She had warm, friendly eyes and Lily smiled back, feeling she had found a friend in this chilly household. ‘What is your name?’ she enquired shyly.
With a pretty incline of her head, the girl said, ‘I am Srimala. You are Miss Waters?’
‘Oh, do call me Lily.’
A second later, Cosmo, very emphatically, echoed, ‘Lily.’
And the two young women smiled at each other.
When she met Captain Fairford later that day, he came as a surprise. After meeting his wife, she had somehow expected a loud, overbearing man with blond hair like Cosmo’s and a stiff, military bearing, like the portraits she had seen hanging in the hall. Instead, when she and the ayah took the children down after their tea, she met a lean, slender man with a gentle expression and brown hair, which, though cropped short, threatened to break into curls. He wore a neat little moustache which seemed to smile along with his lips, and his eyes were warm and welcoming.
‘How very nice to meet you, Miss Waters.’ His tone balanced charm and formality in equal measure.
Her hand was taken in a manly grip for a moment and quickly released, but his eyes lingered on her face with a kind look, so that she was startled to find tears prickling in her eyes. She was tired, she told herself, and more emotional than usual.
‘I trust you had a good journey? Quite an experience, first time in India, I should imagine?’ His voice was soft and beautifully spoken.
She was nodding a reply, a lump still in her throat at being treated so kindly, but he went on, ‘Cosmo, I’m sure, has given you a warm welcome. He likes people, I’m happy to say. Not shy or retiring.’
‘He’s a lovely boy,’ she said carefully.
‘Oh yes!’ he laughed, bashfully. ‘Quite so. Grow up to be a credit, I’m sure. Fine chap . . .’
‘Perhaps you’d like to go to your room now,’ Mrs Fairford interrupted. ‘Your supper will be brought to you.’
Lily nodded obediently. It was a relief to her to learn that, as she fitted neither into the category of family nor one of the large retinue of native servants, she would eat on her own in the evening. At the moment, since she was so used to faring for herself, that felt by far the least nerve-racking solution. That night she was longing to be alone.
One of the servants had brought a tray to her room with chicken stew and vegetables, and afterwards she prepared herself for bed and lay with all the new impressions of the day seething in her mind. She wasn’t sure about Susan Fairford at all yet – the woman made her nervous. But the captain was much nicer than she expected, even if she wouldn’t have a great deal to do with him. Srimala seemed very easy to get along with. And then there was Cosmo – adorable, loving Cosmo. A smile spread over her face in the darkness. She had done the right thing coming here, she knew.
Chapter Six
Lily found Cosmo blissful from the start. She had never expected to experience such a deep attachment so quickly, but the feeling had been instant and only increased over the following days and weeks. He was quite a precocious child, but much loved and therefore very loving. And he seemed to adore her straight away, unquestioningly, as if she was a gift he had been expecting and longing for.
From that first day he called her nothing but ‘Lily’, however much they worked for a time on ‘Miss Waters’.
‘Lily, Lily – come and play!’ he cried when she first appeared in the morning. And she found there was nothing she wanted more than to come and play! This instant, loving adoration was something she had never experienced before and she found she could hardly take her eyes off him. Of course he adored Srimala too, since she had cared from him when very young, but he seemed to have a heart that extended wide and fully.
It took her much longer to decide whether or not she liked his mother. One moment Susan Fairford was snobbish and cold; the next she could be vulnerable and, at times, even warm, just in glimpses. One of the first surprises was her coming into the nursery during that first week and saying to Lily, ‘I suppose you don’t know how to ride a horse?’
‘No,’ Lily stuttered, astonished. ‘I’ve never even sat on one!’
‘Well, I want you to learn,’ Susan Fairford announced, perching herself stiffly for a moment on the low wooden nursing chair. A large fly buzzed sleepily across the room. ‘We are in the habit of riding in the morning here, but Charles and I don’t ride together. He rides with the regiment and I like to take Cozzy out myself – we’re teaching him, you see. And I’d like some help.’ She swallowed and added, as if the admission pained her, ‘And company. Not just natives.’
Lily stared at her. The only horses she had ever seen were the nags which pulled drays on the streets of Birmingham. She hardly knew one end of a horse from another! But she wanted very much to please. And the idea of learning to ride and being able to explore the countryside outside the cantonment seemed immensely exciting.
‘I could try,’ she said uncertainly.
To her surprise, Susan Fairford softened suddenly.
‘Good girl. You can learn quickly, I’m sure. Our syce is very good.’ Seeing Lily’s baffled expression she gave a faint smile. ‘That’s the groom – he looks after the horses. His name is Arsalan and I must say, for a native he’s very able. I’ll ask him to teach you on a leading rein until you feel more confident.’
Within days, Lily had her first session seated on a horse, in a pair of riding breeches. Susan Fairford rode side-saddle, clad in a long riding dress, but she said Lily might feel safer straddling the horse and being able to grip on. She had never worn trousers before in her life and the thick breeches made her feel manly but much freer.
The syce Arsalan was waiting at the appointed time on the lawn at the back of the house, holding a sleek chestnut horse on a leading rein. Arsalan was a slender man, dressed in loose white trousers and tunic, a bright white cloth coiled with impressive style round his head, with eyes which danced with mischievous warmth. Lily found it impossible to guess his age, but she liked him immediately, even before he had said a word, and she felt her nerves begin to fade.
‘Miss Waters?’ He gave a little bow from the waist. ‘I am here to give you a riding lesson. This is a good, quiet horse. You can ride her solo when you are ready. She will not be giving you any trouble.’
He had a box for her to stand on and he instructed her how to climb on before teaching her how to sit and hold the reins. Although she was very nervous, she instantly liked the feel of sitting on the horse, and the smells of the warm animal and leather rising to meet her. She learned that the horse was called Blaze, because of the white stripe down her nose.
‘Now,’ Arsalan said, taking the leading rein. ‘We are ready to begin walking.’
Patiently, day after day, he taught her to walk, then trot. She started to look forward to her lessons, and as she grew confident, she found it exhilarating. After the first week, though, her leg muscles were so strained that she could hardly walk. When she limped into the nursery one morning with a woebegone expression, Srimala put her hand over her mouth and broke into irrepressible giggles.
‘Horse riding is not good for ladies,’ she snorted, her eyes dancing with laughter. ‘Not riding legs over, like a man!’
Lily sat down, wincing. ‘I’m only following orders.’ She squeaked with pain as she tried to move a leg again and then started laughing. ‘Oh dear! I like it really. I just hope I can get used to it. I don’t want to feel like this forever!’
Srimala just giggled more, shaking her head, but then said, mischievously, ‘A
rsalan says you are very good pupil.’ And she realized the servants had been enjoying the progress of her lessons and that she was a bit of a curiosity in the house. ‘And that you are very pretty lady.’
Soon, she began to ride with Susan Fairford, Arsalan beside her, while Susan Fairford rode with Cosmo perched on the front of her saddle.
On these excursions, Lily discovered the beauty of the Indian dawn. She would get up in the dark and go outside into the smell of dew on the ground. In the smoky-grey dawn light the trees were like ghosts which became washed in the pink rays of the rising sun. The air filled with smells of flowers and smoke from dung fires and the special aroma of the Indian earth. And she discovered a sense of freedom and space in the immensity of the Indian landscape which lifted her heart into a state of great joy such as she had never experienced before.
Each day they rode for an hour or more, along the road out of the cantonment and into the countryside, all of them silent for long periods, awed by the scene about them. Lily began to get a sense of Ambala as a tiny dot, like a speck of dust in the immensity of India. Her view of it widened, seeing the vivid green fields round the town, the rising sun glinting on streams and paddies and village tanks, the terracotta temples close to the river and the the wayside shrines and circular haystacks at the edges of the fields. She saw that Ambala was simply one of a myriad of settlements on the great Punjab plain stretching north to the mountains, to the snowy Himalaya whose meltwater poured down to become the great Ganges on its way to the Bay of Bengal.
It was the first time she had been out, anywhere, into wide countryside, not hemmed in by streets and buildings, and it made her see things afresh. The cantonment was an inward-looking world with its own bazaar, and rituals of church and flag-waving military parades and parties, striving to keep as separate as possible from the ‘native’ town: from India itself. This state of affairs was in fact maintained by a stream of Indian workers whose names Lily was gradually beginning to learn. She liked learning these new words, often from Srimala, who laughed unrestrainedly at the way she pronounced them.