by Amber Garza
Cooper: I’m sorry, but I need time to think.
He was using my words against me. And I guess I deserved it. Still it hurt. It hurt so much I felt a tear trickle down my face. What was happening to Cooper and me? Since when did we do this to one another?
Once again I thought about the first night Cooper declared his feelings for me. I’d messed with his mind that night; upset his focus. Perhaps I’d never been good for him. I wondered if this was why so many relationships failed after high school. Maybe they broke up when they realized that they were holding the other person back.
CHAPTER 20
Cooper
I had never ignored London before.
And frankly, it made me feel like shit. Especially when she sent me the text saying that she was worried. But I still couldn’t bring myself to call her, or tell her I loved her. I’m not a total dick, so I did text her to let her know I was all right. But that was all I could give her. She wanted to talk, but there was no way. Not after what she’d told me.
She just didn’t get it.
She didn’t understand how much I loved her. How much I needed her. I would give up everything for her. There was nothing more important to me than she was. There was no way I’d choose a college over her. Hell, I wouldn’t even choose baseball over her.
And to think that she didn’t feel the same way killed me.
When you’d never suffered loss it was easy to take people for granted. It was easy to believe that the person you loved would be with you forever. Losing my parents at such a young age taught me that wasn’t the case. I’d learned early on that life was fragile; that it could be snatched away from you in an instant.
That’s why it was so hard for me to give my heart to someone. But with London I didn’t have a choice. She owned my heart from the minute I met her. I couldn’t help myself from falling in love with her. And I thought it was okay because she understood loss the same way I did. I knew she’d never take life for granted.
And when she got sick and I almost lost her, it solidified that for me - the idea that life was fleeting. But it did more than that. It confirmed how much I loved her. It confirmed her importance in my life. Up until then I thought baseball ruled supreme. But when faced with losing London, the choice was easy. I would’ve given up everything to keep her alive; to keep her with me. And that hadn’t changed for me.
So why had it changed for her?
I wanted to call her and force her to explain everything. Better yet, I wanted to force her ass to come here and be with me. But I knew I couldn’t do that. Forcing her wasn’t the answer. With London I’d learned to tread carefully; to give her the space she needed. And in the end I had to believe she would eventually come around.
That was why I did finally call her. It wasn’t until the day after our fight. Hey, I’m not a goddamn saint. I needed a day to cool off. But then my need for her trumped everything. I knew I still wanted to be with her despite everything. Hell, she still owned me. I guess everyone was right. I was pussy-whipped. But let me tell you, it sounded worse than it was.
London answered after only one ring. She must have been waiting for my call.
“Hey, baby,” I greeted her.
“Hey.” I heard the relief in her voice. “How are you?”
“I’m okay. Better than yesterday.”
“That’s good,” she said.
We were silent a minute, and then we both blurted out, “I’m sorry” at the same time.
“Let’s just move on, all right?” I said.
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
For a minute I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to tell her about how shitty I played in the game because I was afraid that would only serve to cause more distance between us. But London came to my rescue by launching into some story about that weird stoner kid in her newspaper club and how he caused some issue at her last meeting. I listened half-heartedly. It’s not like I didn’t care about what she was saying, it was just that I knew what she was doing. She was talking about nothing in order to avoid the elephant in the room. The elephant that we both knew we’d have to face at some point, but neither of us was ready quite yet.
It was happening again.
I was throwing like shit. Why the hell couldn’t I get it together?
After the batter got a run on me I blew out a frustrated breath. I could feel the tension around me from the other players, and my shoulders tightened. I didn’t want to let them down again. Hell, I didn’t want to let myself down again. But it seemed I didn’t know how to do anything else lately.
When the next batter took the plate, I stared at him, willing my thoughts to still. Honing in on my target, I tried to focus. But the minute I released the pitch I could feel that it was off. When the umpire called it a ball, I bit down on my lip in frustration.
Parker called time and jogged in my direction. When he reached the mound, he flipped up his mask.
Unable to face him, I stared at the ground in frustration.
“Look at me, Coop.”
With a sigh, I looked up at Parker, making eye contact with him.
“Ask me why I practice with you on my free time and no other pitchers on the team.”
I thought it was a weird question. The thought that Parker only practiced with me during his free time had never crossed my mind.
“Because you want me to get better,” I answered.
“That’s not the reason, Coop.”
Shrugging, I shook my head. “Then I don’t know.”
“That’s the problem. I know how good you are, maybe the best pitcher on our team. I have nothing but confidence in you, and I know you’re going to help this team win a bunch of games. That’s why I practice with you, and only you, Coop. You’re so much better than this, you know it, and I know it.”
This time Parker didn’t flash his usual grin. Instead, he was all business.
I nodded. He was right. I was better than this.
“Let’s get it done, okay?” Parker asked.
“Okay,” I agreed.
It was a pep talk reminiscent of the ones I used to have with Nate. Even Grandpa could get in some pretty good ones after I’d been pulled from a game. However, this pep talk was a little different than those - a bit more grown up and forward, a college baseball pep talk. I wouldn’t let Parker or the team down. It was time to shake off all the shit filling up my mind and do what I was good at – striking guys out.
With renewed vigor, I faced the batter. This time when I looked at him I didn’t hear London’s voice in my head. I didn’t hear Ace’s insults. But mostly I didn’t feel alone. Parker flashed me a thumbs-up, and I summoned up all I had within me.
When I threw the pitch I knew it was golden. The umpire called it a strike, and hope rose inside of me.
Okay, I got this.
Two more strikes, and the batter was out. Around me the atmosphere shifted. Inside my chest my heart swelled. When the next batter approached, I flashed him a smug smile.
Watch out. Cooper’s back.
And there was no stopping me.
CHAPTER 21
London
“I feel like I’m losing him, Dad.”
“You’re just going through a rough patch,” Dad assured me.
We were sitting on the couch, ESPN playing in the background.
“It’s more than that.” I bit my lip, wondering how much I should divulge. Sure, I knew I could tell my dad anything, but I didn’t want to share too much personal stuff about Cooper. I’d already hurt him enough, I didn’t want to add betraying his confidence to my list of offenses. “I guess I feel like he’s sort of falling apart lately. This whole thing with the television show about the plane crash really rattled him. And then he has that rivalry with the other pitcher on his team. He’s just dealing with a lot, and I think he feels alone.”
“Sounds like it’s your turn.”
His words confused me. “My turn for what?”
“Last year you were the one
going through a tough time, remember?”
I nodded. How could I forget? I almost died. I was pretty sure that memory would stick with me forever.
“And who saved you?”
“Cooper,” I whispered. It was his bone marrow that ultimately healed me.
“And now he’s struggling. Maybe not in the same way. His life isn’t at stake, but his career is. Everything he’s worked so hard for.”
“But I don’t know how to fix it. There’s not an operation for this,” I pointed out, feeling even more discouraged. Dad was right. Cooper rescued me. He was there for me in my time of need, but I had absolutely no idea how to return the favor.
Dad reached out, covering my hand with his. “Pumpkin, why do you think Cooper is struggling so much?”
I shook my head. For weeks I’d thought about nothing else. Yet I still had no clue. Cooper had always been so strong, so self-assured. He wasn’t the type of guy to get rattled. So why was that happening now? Since I’d met him, his ability to shut off the world around him and focus was something I envied. I had to escape in a book to lose myself. But Cooper had complete authority over his own mind. He could do it anytime he needed.
Until now.
“It must have to do with his parents,” I say, thinking hard. “I mean, Mom’s death has defined me more than I’ve wanted it to. In fact, I think in some ways it’s still holding me back.”
“What do you mean?” Dad lifted his hand off of mine, pinning me with a questioning stare.
“I feel safe here with you, Dad. And the thought of going out into that big world full of strangers in a place I’m unfamiliar with scares me. I think it’s part of the reason I’m afraid to go away to college.”
“Is that the only reason?”
I shook my head. “I hate the thought of leaving you.”
“Pumpkin, I’ll be fine.”
“I know you will.”
“What’s the other reason then?”
God, I never got off the hook that easily. “What if I go to Fallbrook and Cooper and I break up?”
“Life is unpredictable, London. There are no guarantees. You know that better than anyone.” Dad paused, and I thought about how that wasn’t exactly true. He knew it as well as I did. Everything I’d lived through, he had too. “But last year when Cooper thought he’d lose you, did he walk away?”
“No,” I admitted.
“No. He didn’t. In fact, he fought for you, didn’t he?”
“Yeah. Yeah, he did.” For a moment I was silent, mulling over Dad’s words. And then I knew exactly what I had to do.
“London, this is a nice surprise,” Cooper’s grandma said when I showed up at their house unexpectedly.
I should have called first, but I didn’t even think about it. Once I’d made up my mind I hopped in the car and drove over here like a bat out of hell.
“Hi.” Standing up tall, I summoned up all my courage. “Can I talk to you about something?”
“Of course.” She draped an arm over my shoulder and ushered me inside.
The house smelled like vanilla and floral perfume. When we sat down on the couch in the living room my heart ached for Cooper. The last time I’d been here was with him. I conjured up the feel of his lips on mine, his hands on my skin. And I knew I’d do anything to help him. I loved him so much my heart felt like it would burst from my chest. The last couple of months had been so difficult for me, and it reminded me of how much I did need him. How much I wanted to be with him.
“What’s on your mind?” Mrs. Montgomery asked me. I could hear Cooper’s grandpa in the next room watching TV. Probably the same channel Dad was watching when I left him. Both of them were hopelessly addicted to sports.
“I’m worried about Cooper,” I blurted out. But she didn’t bat an eye. In fact, she didn’t seem surprised at all, which only confirmed my need to be concerned. Clearly his grandparents had been feeling the same way. “He seems kind of lost lately, and I want to help him. I just don’t know how.”
Her bright coral lips curled at the edges, wrinkles forming around her eyes. “Come with me, London. I want to show you something.”
Clasping and unclasping my hands I followed behind her. We walked down the narrow hallway leading to the bedrooms. Pictures of Cooper in various stages of growing up covered the walls. When Cooper’s grandma slipped into a nearby bedroom, I went in after her. It was a bedroom I hadn’t been in before. The generic decorations made it obvious that it was the guest room. After opening the closet door, Mrs. Montgomery reached up on the top shelf and pulled down a closed box. Facing me, she held the box between us.
“Cooper’s never really been the same since his parents died. It’s like a part of him died with them. He’s always been pretty closed off. Sure, he’s been a great kid. Super loving and respectful to his grandpa and I, but nothing like he was as a small kid. Back then he was so open, so vulnerable. Losing his parents made Cooper afraid to open up to anyone. I’ve even felt him push me away at times when I got too close.” She glanced down at the box. “This box holds a bunch of stuff from my son and daughter-in-law. It was the stuff they’d saved for Cooper.” Emotion was evident on her face, and it cut to my heart. “His baby book, pictures, videos. Cooper has never looked at any of it. He’s refused to. In fact, I sometimes wonder if he’s ever really mourned his parents. I’m not sure he’s ever come to grips with the loss.”
I nodded, knowing exactly what she was saying. Sometimes fully embracing pain was too hard. It was easier to only feel it somewhat, to keep it at arm’s length.
“This television show reminded me of how much he hasn’t come to grips with everything.” She thrust the box into my arms. “London, you are the first person Cooper really opened up to after losing his parents, so I think you’re the only person who can help him get through this.”
“But how?”
“Go to him.”
“What?” I clutched the box, the weight of it heavy in my arms.
“Next week is a bye week. He’ll have a free weekend. Go see him.” She locked eyes with me. “Assure him he’s not losing you too.” Her gaze flickered down to the box. “Bring that with you. I think it’s time for him to go through it.”
“But I’m not sure if I can make it work.”
“We’ll pay for your plane ticket, hotel room, whatever you need.”
“You would do that?”
“London, I love Cooper. He’s more than my grandson. He’s my son. I would do anything to help him.” Smiling softly, she patted my arm. “When he fell for you I was so happy that he’d finally met someone who could break through his tough exterior. I think he’s scared he’s losing you, but clearly he’s wrong if you’re here, right?”
“Right.”
“Then go tell him. He needs to know he can count on you.”
Holding tightly to the box, I nodded. Dad was right. It was my turn to save Cooper, and I’d do everything in my power to do just that.
CHAPTER 22
Cooper
I hadn’t planned on watching the show. In fact, I had been adamantly opposed to it. But on the night it aired, I found myself turning on the TV in my dorm room and flipping to the channel. Since moving here I’d hardly watched television unless it was to check the scores of a game. But Justin liked watching TV. I suppose that’s why he brought this one here. Of course, he had more time than I did to sit around and do nothing.
When the show started, my muscles tensed the same way they did right before a game. I worried that if I sat on the edge of my bed with my muscles tight like this the whole show I’d cramp up. But no amount of rolling my shoulders could loosen me up. I was grateful Justin wasn’t here to witness this. He already insulted me enough.
The opening scene was a photograph of the plane while it was still intact. I stared at the pristine aircraft, its wings appearing sturdy and my chest tightened. I imagined my parents inside, giddy about their trip, looking forward to it even. If only they had known. If only there had been
some warning. If only they’d never set foot on the damn plane. I blew out a breath when the scene changed. The host of the show was explaining how the crash took place, but I tuned her out. I’d heard this so many times I could probably recite it for her. Blood rushed to my ears, making it difficult to decipher her words.
Shaking my head, I stood up fully intending to turn off the TV. I wasn’t sure what possessed me to watch it in the first place. What was I? Some kind of masochist? Nothing good could come from rehashing any of this. Taking a step forward, I held my arm out. And that’s when I saw her.
Charlotte.
Her face splashed across the screen.
What the hell?
I drew my arm back, and listened intently.
“…lost both of her parents on the flight.”
My heart stopped. Charlotte lost her parents on the same flight I lost mine on? What a strange coincidence.
“When we return we’ll talk to Charlotte and find out how she survived such a devastating loss and what she’s up to now.”
I froze. Charlotte took part in the show. They interviewed her. Anger surfaced. It was no coincidence. She knew exactly who I was the whole damn time. Why hadn’t she said anything? Clicking the TV off, I snatched my keys off my bed and tore out of the room. Adrenaline pumping, I stalked down the hallway and out the front doors. A cool breeze whisked over me, and I welcomed it. The heat was bad enough when I wasn’t pissed off, but right now I felt like my body was on fire.
As I neared Charlotte’s building, I tasted betrayal on my tongue. It was bitter and metallic, like the taste of blood. It’s not like Charlotte was my damn BFF or something, but I still felt used. She knew something about me. Something personal. Something very few people knew.
There was a reason I didn’t do that damn show. My grandparents thought it was because I couldn’t face it, but it was more than that. When my parents died, I worried that it would define me. I didn’t want to be known as little orphan Cooper. I mean, hell, there’s a name for kids without parents. Orphans. How pathetic does that sound? I didn’t want to be pathetic. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I had done nothing to gain people’s sympathy. I was still here. And I had my grandparents to raise me. It was my parents who’d gotten the short end of the stick. They were the ones who lost their lives. It was them people should feel sorry for. Not me.