When I met Jezibelle Beaumont on the day of our Culling, my mother’s advice wouldn’t leave my mind. Although I hadn’t seen her in over five years, her voice was as clear as if I had just heard her yesterday. “Never fall in love. Not with your affinity partner. Spare yourself what your father and I went through.”
I knew what I had to do when Jezi's name was called and she crossed the stage. When she took the oath alongside of me and branded herself willingly. I couldn’t love her because loving her would kill her, and I couldn't live with myself if that ever happened.
But if I chose to seal myself off from love, then it would only be my death that lurked around the corner. It's what my father did to keep my mother safe from the curse, and if he could shut his emotions off to keep her alive, then I can be just as emotionally reserved.
But that’s the thing about affinity bonds- it’s impossible not to care…not to fall in love. The affinity mark given to us on the day of the Culling does more than just brand us. It links our minds…and our hearts. If the partners don’t fall in love, then there’s always one in the bond that gets hurt. There’s always one who suffers the most.
Gavin strides in from the front door. “Yo,” he shouts out. He takes the stool across from me and tips my bowl in his direction. “Cereal?”
I lift the bowl away from him. “It’s good.”
He smiles and rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say, man.”
I tip the bowl up to my lips and drain the last of the milk in one gulp, ignoring Gavin’s tone, and then turn from him and put the bowl and spoon in the dishwasher. The air has a certain thickness to it that only ever appears when Gavin struggles with what’s on his mind, or when he’s about to lecture me. I just want to get this over with. I know he needs to say whatever it is he’s going to say. He won’t leave otherwise.
With a deep breath, I lean against the counter, crossing my arms. “So, what’s up?”
He fixes his eyes on me. “You’ve got to give her a chance.”
I roll my eyes. Here we go again. “Cassie’s words?”
He crosses his arms. “No. My own.”
I don’t believe him. I blow out a deep breath. “Look, can we pretend we had this conversation for the millionth time so you can go? No need to waste any more breath over this. You know the outcome will be the same.”
His determination is as heavy as an anchor, rooting him in place. “Indulge me one more time.”
“Really?” I say, pushing off the counter. “I’m not in the mood, Gavin. Not today. Go home. Go sleep, or watch infomercials or whatever.”
“I’d rather watch you squirm,” he says lightly, following after me. I drop onto my leather couch and kick my feet up on the small wooden coffee table. He sits across from me in our dad’s old recliner. “It sucks to see you so bent out of shape because of our parents. They wouldn’t have wanted this for you. I know it was a long time ago, but I still remember. You’ve twisted our past into something it wasn’t. You’ve made him into something worth idolizing, but you’ve got it all wrong.”
A quake of agitation ripples through my chest. We never agree on this subject. “Oh yeah, and how’s that?”
He leans forward, knowing he’s baited me, knowing he’s snuck through the cracks in my walls. “Because, Jax, he broke mom's heart. He made her believe he loved her, and then he shut it all off. He denied her his love up until the curse took his life. Who does that? Who wants to be like that?”
“Someone who wants to protect those they care about,” I say slowly, setting my eyes on his. “Someone who knows that their time is running out and a decision needs to be made. Him or mom. He chose himself. He chose to die so she could live.”
“No, damn it. You’ve got to get it through your head. Don’t you remember the drinking? The fighting? The pleading? He made her fall in love, and then he shut her out. Dad’s death did nothing but make him a liar.”
I jump out of my seat, fists clenched at my sides. “No, Dad’s death made him a hero!” I shout. Rage pounds behind my eyes, pounds within my heart. “He did his job. He did what he was supposed to do. He protected her.”
“No, Jaxen,” he says with more sorrow than I want to comprehend. He drags a hand down his face, and his eyes flood with sadness. “He lied to her.”
A metal clamp of agony presses on my heart. I don't want to hear this. I don't like the way it's making me feel. I don't want to feel, but I can't seem to shut my emotions off. The switch always breaks in Gavin's presence.
Gavin's watching me like a wild animal in a cage, waiting for my reaction. It makes me feel even worse knowing how the others around me perceive me. Knowing that they see me as destructive and unfeeling when all I'm trying to do is what I think is right.
What I think will keep those I care most about safe from harm.
I shut my eyes for a moment, and tug in a long deep breath to steady me. “He protected his Witch,” I say slowly, carefully, trying to maintain composure. “He carried his curse and died with his dignity, the same way I’m going to go out. The only difference is that I’m not going to drag Jezi into a relationship that I don’t care about, just to indulge her fantasy. I’m not going to mislead her. She deserves more than that. If you were half the man, you’d do the same for Cass.”
He slowly stands, running his hands down the front of his pants. “I may not be perfect, but Cassie knew from day one. She accepted me. She accepted our fate.”
“The same goes for me and Jezi.”
“No, Brother, Jezi loves you. She wants you to love her back.”
I groan, throwing my hands up in the air. “But I don’t! Damn it! Don't you think the thought has crossed my mind? It's just not in the cards for us. I care about her, and I will do anything and everything to protect her, but I don't love her like that. Why can’t all of you accept that? I feel nothing more than a really great friendship when I look at her. That's it. That's all there is for me. That's the life I've been dealt, and I'm doing the best that I can with it.”
He sighs heavily, plunging a hand through his hair. “Shit,” he murmurs under his breath. There's so much pain in his voice and it eats away at my composure. “Okay,” he says slowly, looking up at me with sincerity, “maybe I’m approaching this wrong-”
“You got that right!” I say, but he cuts me off just as quickly.
“Maybe Jezi isn’t the one for you, “ he grunts out, “but one of these days, little bro, someone’s gonna come along and hit you so hard in the heart, you’re gonna be reeling from it. When that happens, I’m gonna be there to tell you I told you so. I’m gonna be there to tell you that love is worth living for.”
I snap my eyes back to my brother, scowling at him. “Don’t hold your breath. Even if that person did come along, I’d still be cursed and the curse says that if a Gramm doesn't fall in love with their affinity partner, then that Gramm will die. Why would I wish that on anyone. I'll be in my thirties or forties and bam! I'm dead, leaving someone behind to mourn over me.”
His blue eyes widen. Pieces of the wall between us, the one protecting us from each other’s rage, begins to crumble, and I don’t care to fix it. I want it to crash down. I’m sick of being told how I should live my life.
“I know this is news to you,” he says in a low voice, “but we’re all born with a heart, and most of us like to use it. We like to lend it out. There’s no point in breathing if you’re just a shell without a heart, and if you’re not careful, that’s what you’ll become.”
I don’t know why, but this gets under my skin in all the worst ways. “I’d rather be that than a weak-minded, whipped-ass Hunter who’s too selfish to turn his emotions off to save the woman he loves so much.” I regret the words the instant they leave my lips, but it’s too late now. Words can’t be erased once spoken. I have to own them, own the feelings I truly feel.
He’s shaking from head to foot, his lips so taut they’re paling out. I’m pretty sure he wants to hit me, but he turns and walks away from me, his sh
oulders flexed and his hands clenched. I’ve pissed him off. I piss him off every time I bring up the curse. I roll my eyes and dig my hands into my pockets, following after his steps. By the time he turns around, he’s rigid, stiff, and ready for a fight. He thinks fighting will help. He thinks beating me down will break the walls I’ve constructed. One of these days, he’ll realize he’s wrong. One of these days, he’ll realize that having no emotion makes you stronger, more keen, and more perceptive to those around you.
His brows are crushed together, and his flesh heats up with a slight red color. “I didn’t deserve that. You know damn well that I’m not weak. Take it back.” He tightens his fists, reinforcing his rank over me. Angry heat rolls off his flexed shoulders. If what I say next is wrong, he’ll shove me. It’s always his first move.
“No,” I say shortly, intently. My eyes find his, pushing back against his disgust of what I’ve become.
“No?” He jerks his head back.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” I grit through my teeth, warning him. I’m barely breathing.
“Well, you could’ve fooled me.” He’s either oblivious to it, or past the point of caring.
I shut my eyes, knowing what I say next will be the breaking point. Maybe I want to fight. Maybe I want him to hit me. “That’s not hard to do.”
I’m ready for it when he shoves me. I barely even flinch. I’m a solid wall of deflection perfectly constructed.
This pisses him off.
He shoves harder, and I look away, clenching my teeth. My fists form into rounded hammers at my sides. “Stop.”
He shoves again.
“I said stop,” I say calmly.
He shoves me harder. Again and again and again, and all I can see anymore is a wall of red; a wall of blood.
“I SAID STOP!” My fist connects with his jaw before I realize what I’ve done.
He sways to the side, his hand covering the spot where I struck him. His eyes are glass cases filled with fury. He pulls himself together and gets in my face. His chest bumps against mine. I don’t back down, but I don’t push back. I don’t want to hurt him. I never meant to.
“See,” he says with enough anger to burn down an empire, “that right there, in your eyes right now, little brother, that’s called emotion. That’s called fear. And you know what? You can’t fear without love.” He drops his hand down, still scrutinizing me with his gaze. “I just had to make sure you were still in there.”
He walks away from me, slamming the door behind him. I glance down at my hand. Blood mottles the outside of my skin; his blood. A sour taste forms in my mouth. I walk into the bathroom and turn the faucet on. As the water washes away the blood, I look up at myself.
I don’t know who I am anymore, or what I’ve become. I have memories of a life filled with love, a life where everything made sense and the world wasn’t cruel, but every time I reach for those memories, for a piece of my old self, I see my mother’s back. I see a suitcase in her hand, and the door shutting behind her. I see Gavin making excuses until he realizes it’s just us, and I see myself crying silently at night, knowing she’d never return.
THAT NIGHT, I KNOCK ON Jezi’s apartment door and take a step back, shoving my hands deep into my pockets. She’s told me many times where her spare key is, but it doesn’t feel right to walk in unannounced.
“Just a minute,” she shouts. A second later, the door swings open with the earthy scent of magic trailing through the air. She’s on the other side of the room putting her shoes on. Her silken hair hangs past her shoulders, covering the Coven symbol on her leather jacket.
“Mornin,’” I say, despite the orange sun setting along the skyline view of her windows.
“I’m never going to get used to that,” she says when she looks up at me. She pulls her hair up into a loose ponytail and stands. “I hate sleeping during the day. It makes me feel like one of them.”
“I know,” I say, raking a hand through my hair. This is already too much conversation, too many words. “But it is what it is.”
“Guess so.” She grabs her purse and brushes past me, smelling of jasmine and vanilla. I follow her light steps out and wait against the wall as she locks the door. When she’s done, we head down the elevator. “Thanks for picking me up,” she says, tucking her keys into her purse. “The mechanic said it’s going to be another day or so until the part comes in for my car.”
The elevator stops and we step out. I keep my eyes forward and my lips sealed shut. I find it a little more than ironic that her car broke down right after my blowout with my brother; a blowout I’m trying hard to forget. Knowing him, he probably pulled some plugs out or something.
Wind whips around us when we step out onto the city sidewalk, and the faint scent of rain lingers in the air. It’s going to be one of those nights. I unlock my truck and hold the door open for her. She smiles and ducks her eyes from view.
The moment I get in and start the truck, she shifts in her seat to face me, already trying to break the silence.
“So uh…where’s our assignment tonight?”
“Downtown at Club Firebrand,” I say, easing my way into traffic.
“I figured. I saw what happened on the news.” She leans forward and flicks the vent up.
“Mack says there’s a Demon high in the chain running it. He allows Vamps and Weres to feed there. I guess one got out of hand, thusly exposing the operation.”
“Figures.”
I cough to clear my throat. “Gavin and Cassie are going to meet us there. The club will be full.” I flip the blinker on and turn left.
“I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t handle,” she says as she digs through her purse. I glance over at her and catch her puckering her lips in the visor mirror. I almost forget myself as she applies gloss, spreading it over her full lips. I wonder what it would be like... No.
I can’t wonder, no matter how long it’s been since I’ve felt another’s kiss. It’ll open the door. It’ll make her think we could be a possibility, and that can’t happen. It’s my duty, my responsibility. It’s my burden.
“Jax?”
“Hmm?”
“You missed the turn.”
Shit. She’s staring at the side of my face. Her gaze is always so heavy, so prying. After making a quick u-turn, I reflexively glance over at her. She lifts her brows like she’s waiting for me to explain what I’m thinking.
“What?” I say, keeping my face blank.
“Nothing.” She turns back to the mirror and applies more lip gloss, and I swear she smiles. “Did Gavin have anything specific in mind for the takedown?” she asks as she puts the lid back on and tucks the gloss back into her purse.
“Don’t know. Haven’t talked to him.” I don’t mention the fight. It’s bad enough that I have to see him so soon after. Leave it to Mack.
“What about the Middletons?” she asks as I pull around the back of the club. I park in the farthest shadow.
“I asked for their help, but they took a different assignment. I think they’re on the cusp of something huge.” I swallow, debating if I should say more or not.
“Something like?” she asks, leading me on with her voice.
I look at her, clearing my face of every emotion. “Russell said they got a tip from a Demon that there’s been talk of an uprising from the Underground because of something they’re looking for.”
Her brows scrunch. “What?”
I scratch my forehead. “Not sure. All Russell said was that he and Mary are meeting with Mack and Clara about it once Clara returns from her campaign in Ethryeal City.”
“Do you think she’ll win her spot on the High Priesthood?”
My mouth twitches at the corner. “Probably. She always gets her way.”
Jezi looks past me. “They’re here,” she says, pointing behind me.
I turn in my seat just in time to catch Gavin as he yanks my car door open. “Damn, man, I was trying to scare you.” He’s smiling, pretending like the night bef
ore never occurred, being the older brother he’s always been- honest and open.
Guilt beats against my walls. I shake my head, avoiding his face and reinforcing the steel. I don’t want to see if I left a mark. I don’t want to feel anything. I shut the truck off, along with my emotions, and tuck the keys in my pocket. Jezi’s already walking around the front of the truck, meeting Cassie with a smile.
“So, what’s the plan?” I ask as I reach into the bed of my truck for my duffel bag. The loud, pounding music rattles my eardrums. The air smells damp and is filled with old, dark magic. My senses switch on as adrenaline floods my system, waking me up inside.
“Cassie found a recipe in her Grimoire for a potion that will remove our Primeval scent for a short period of time,” Gavin says as I set the bag down and start loading up on the weapons I think I’ll need; a flux, a couple of pistols with silencers, a stake, and an extra set of silver bullets. I hand Jezi her guns and stand up.
Cassie walks over to us and pulls a small glass vial from her pocket. “Here,” she says, holding it out to me. The liquid inside is clear. “Drink it. It will last for about an hour.”
I glance over at Jezi who’s already tipping hers back. I pull off the small cork top and drink it, pushing away the awful taste to the back of my mind. Instantly, the liquid flows to my stomach and then disperses throughout my body.
“I can’t make any promises that it will hold up the whole time. It was my first time concocting that potion. It was a complicated recipe.”
“What she means to say is that she couldn’t find every ingredient, so she rigged it. It’s the same thing she always does when something’s complicated,” Gavin corrects, laughing a little.
She sucks her teeth and flicks a glare at him, propping her hand on her hip. “Really?” she says, raising her brows.
He holds his hands out in surrender. “Hey, just keepin’ it real.”
“‘Cause you’re so reliable,” she sneers under her breath. She flips her hair over her shoulder and looks over at Jezi, shaking her head.
“Are you sure this is going to work?” I ask, knowing that questioning her is only going to warrant more evil glares. Women. I can see the steam coming from her ears as she directs daggers at me with her gaze, so I quickly add, “I’m not questioning your skills. I just have to ask. We can’t screw this up.” I think I sounded placid. I even go as far as offering a bit of kindness to my gaze.
The Gramm Curse (The Night Watchmen Series) Page 3