by Tracy Sharp
All at once, my nose was assaulted by the smell of smoke. “What is that? Do you smell that?”
“Hell, yeah.” Jack peered through the windshield. “Something’s burning. Oh shit.”
“What?” I looked ahead of me, scanning the street. Then I saw it. The warehouse wasn’t within sight yet, but there were thick mushrooms of smoke pluming into the sky above it. Suddenly, the sound of sirens screaming out their warning became louder as the fire trucks and police cars shot by us.
“Holy shit,” Patrick said from the backseat.
“Oh, no,” Callahan breathed. “Leah, I don’t think you should go there.”
“It’s my brother, Cal!” I knew that was exactly why he thought I shouldn’t go there.
“No!” I screamed, hitting the steering wheel over and over. “NO!” I jammed my foot on the gas and the Jeep shot forward, speeding us toward the warehouse.
I couldn’t get past the police barricade. I jumped out of the Jeep and went running to the first cop I saw.
“My brother’s in there!” I yelled at him. “My brother’s in there!”
He held his hands out in front of him. “The firemen are getting everyone out of there now, miss. Just stand back.”
I looked at the warehouse. Windows had blown out and flames shot from them, licking up the sides of the building. The sound of the fire was deafening. It was a dull roar. The fire was completely out of control. Firemen were coming out with people who’d been in the building when it had caught fire. I looked toward the ambulance. It seemed as though a couple of people hadn’t made it. Two bodies were being covered and taken away by attendants wearing grim expressions.
Not Jesse!
I ran to the ambulance, started to climb into it, but was grabbed back by two strong arms.
“Jesse!” I screamed. “Jesse!”
Then my eyes fell upon a pair of high-top sneakers that only Jesse would wear. I looked up at the loose-fitting jeans and jean jacket. I ripped free of the arms that held me and ran toward Jesse.
It wasn’t Jesse. It was a horribly thin man with vacant eyes and a face covered in crack sores.
I grabbed him by the shoulders and screamed into his face. “Where did you get these clothes? Where is my brother?”
He shook his head, and when he opened his mouth to speak, I could see he had no teeth.
“Gone,” he said.
“Where?”
“Gone.”
“You mean he’s dead? Did he die in the fire?”
He shook his head slowly from side to side. “No, lady. The man took him away.”
“What man? He’s alive?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t tell.”
“You mean you won’t tell.”
“No, I don’t tell a lot of things. I couldn’t tell if he was dead or alive. I hadn’t seen him moving for awhile.”
“Oh, God,” I moaned, bending at the knees and trying to ride out a wave of nausea. “Oh, God.”
I felt a hand on my back. Even before I looked up, I knew it was Callahan. “You okay?”
“Woodard took Jesse somewhere.”
“Then he didn’t die in the fire.” His voice was hopeful.
“But we don’t know if he’s alive. This guy said he wasn’t moving.” I breathed deeply, trying to regain some sort of control.
“Hey, buddy,” Callahan said to the man. “You hungry?”
The man shook his head. “No. Not really. But I could always use some cash.”
Cal nodded once, understanding the man’s meaning. He needed the money for drugs. “Right. Okay. First we talk. Okay? I know you’ve got an agreement with Woodard about not telling what goes on here. It looks like he reneged when he torched your, uh, place of residence.”
The man grinned and shrugged. “Fine by me. Far as I’m concerned, the agreement is null and void. Always willing to start a new agreement with someone else. Gotta keep the options open, you know?”
“Right,” Cal said. “That’s what I figured.”
“So how did you end up with Jesse’s clothes?” I asked. We stood in front of the Jeep while Callahan pulled a couple of twenties out of his wallet and handed them to the man. Jack and Patrick leaned against the Jeep with their arms crossed, watching the man and waiting for an answer.
The man shrugged. “Lady, it’s a dog eat dog world out here. I saw him lyin’ over there out cold. I needed shoes. Somebody stole mine. So I took his shoes. I liked his jeans and jacket. I can always use a jacket.” He tilted his head toward the burning warehouse. “Gets cold at night in there. No heat, you understand.”
“Was he hurt? Bleeding?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. He just seemed really out of it. I think the man’s been keeping him pretty drugged up. I’ve seen him do that before. Likes to keep them quiet so there’s no trouble.”
I was way past impatient and having trouble holding myself back from breaking his face. “Who is them?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t ask. Others. Usually they don’t come back.”
I bit my lip. Panic was having its way with me and I felt like I was skating right on the razor edge of lucidity. It wouldn’t take much for me to run screaming into the night, pulling my hair out. I could just feel it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Look, chum. If you know anything about where he took my brother, please tell me. Please. What will it take? More money?”
“Don’t give him any more money. He hasn’t told you shit as it is,” Patrick said.
The man shook his head slowly, almost sadly. “You wanna give me more money, I’ll take it. No amount of money in the world is going to help you there, lady. Because I’m telling you, I just don’t know.”
* * *
We’d come to a dead end. Morning light beamed over the Jeep as I drove to Jack’s shop, but I felt like I was dying. I felt sure that if Jesse wasn’t dead already, he soon would be. My breath hitched twice in my throat as I choked back tears.
Jack put his hand on my arm. “Leah, he’s not dead. Not yet.”
“How do you know?”
“Because Jesse’s his last playing chip.” Callahan sat forward, and I could see his face almost next to mine out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t look at either of them at that moment. Anything could make me cry, and if I started, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop. I needed to stay somewhat composed. For Jesse’s sake.
“Right.” Patrick gave a firm nod. “We took away Finn and the Asian women. All he has left is Jesse. He’s not going to kill him yet. He’s going to make you sweat.”
“Oh, he’s doing a fine job of doing that.” My voice was thick with trapped tears.
I pulled into the driveway of Jack’s shop and parked the Jeep. I sat looking at the building, feeling utterly and completely lost.
“We’ll get him back, Leah. I promise you,” Jack said.
I’d heard that so many times already and I was desperately trying to hold on to any shred of hope. It wasn’t looking good. I nodded, unable to talk without sobbing.
“You wanna come in? Get some sleep?” Jack asked me.
I shook my head. I needed to go home. I needed to be close to Jesse. Close to his things.
“I’ll get Buddy for you.” He reached for the door handle.
I managed a quivering smile and watched him get out of the Jeep and go into the shop. Patrick patted me on the arm before climbing out of the backseat and following Jack. Callahan climbed out after him and stood by the open passenger door for Jack to reappear with Buddy before taking Jack’s place in the passenger seat.
The metaphor hit me all at once. Callahan didn’t seem to mind that he took a backseat to Jack, both figuratively and literally. I felt a twinge of guilt mixed with gratitude for this man, who had to be one of the sweetest, most understanding men I’d ever met.
Jack came walking out of the shop with Buddy, who seemed to smile the minute he saw me. His smiling face calmed me immediatel
y and I smiled back at him. Cal stepped aside while Buddy jumped into the Jeep, kissing my face and letting me hug him fiercely. “Oh, I love you too, baby,” I cooed in his ear. “That’s my good boy. Okay, love, into the backseat.” I snapped the fingers of my right hand over the backseat. Buddy hopped back there and sat up straight, happy to be going for a ride with me.
“You want me to drive?” Cal asked me.
“No. I’m fine.” Then I sighed. I wasn’t fine and I knew it. I was wrecked. I shouldn’t be driving in the state I was in. “Yeah. Okay.”
We both got out of the Jeep and switched places. Even though it was smart to let Cal drive, the act of giving up control to him, even with something as simple as driving my Jeep, left me feeling even more helpless.
It must’ve shown on my face because Callahan placed a hand on my thigh and squeezed lightly. “It’s just this once, Leah. You need to regroup so you’ll be able to more effectively kick ass later.”
I couldn’t help grinning at that. Instead of drawing attention to the fact that I’m an utter control freak, Callahan managed to somehow bring out the bright side of my maniacal behavior. Bless his heart.
We didn’t speak during the drive to my house. Maybe Cal thought that if he was quiet, I’d drift off to sleep. More likely, he was thinking the same thing that I was. Trying to figure out where Woodard had taken Jesse. I was so tired. I could barely string two thoughts together. And I was furious with myself for not being able to be more on the ball when Jesse needed me the most. I was furious with my body for betraying me when my brother’s life hung in the balance. The precious minutes that passed while I was unable to think clearly could make all the difference in whether Jesse lived or died. I just couldn’t think without sleep and there was nothing I could do about it.
Callahan followed me up to the house and I didn’t argue. The truth was that I wasn’t feeling strong at all, and although I had Buddy, I just didn’t feel like being alone. I needed Callahan with me. I was certain he was the reason I hadn’t gone stark raving mad yet. He had a way of keeping me from losing it. And if there ever was a time where I needed to keep my head, it was right then.
“You can take Jesse’s room.” I began climbing the stairs to my bedroom. “It’s just across the hall from mine.”
“I’ve never seen your room,” Callahan said. “But I guess Jesse’s room is just up the stairs?”
For some reason it seemed strange to me that Callahan had never been to my bedroom. He really hadn’t been anywhere in my house except for the kitchen. “Yeah. Come on, I’ll show you.”
He followed me up the stairs and into Jesse’s room. I held my breath as I looked at all of Jesse’s things. A t-shirt was draped over the chair where it had been tossed. A book sat on the floor next to the bed. He’d told me about it. It was the story of a hacker who had made good after doing time in prison and was now working as a consultant for various companies. Several music CD’s were scattered on the floor next to the stereo and his headphones lay on the pillow. He used them because he often couldn’t sleep and would listen to music into the early morning hours and didn’t want to wake me.
Seeing his things seemed to take all of the fight out of me and I fell to my knees next to the bed, burying my face in my hands. A shuddering sob shook my body as tears fell into my palms. I felt Buddy’s nose nudging my hand and I blindly groped around for his head, patting him lightly without looking at him.
“Hey.” Callahan’s voice was soft as he came up behind me. His arms slipped around my shoulders and he lifted me, helping me to sit on the bed. “We’ll get Jesse back, Leah. We will.”
“Get him back? How? In a pine box? I messed up, Cal. I was the one who should’ve kept him safe and I didn’t.”
“What were you going to do? Sit at home and watch him every second? That would’ve pissed him off.”
“But I knew Woodard would go after him. I knew it.”
“Woodard sent that woman in to trick Jesse. You couldn’t have predicted that. This isn’t your fault.” He gently lifted my chin with his fingers and I turned my face away, feeling ugly and exposed. I wanted to keep my face buried, cover my weakness and failure.
“I’m a horrible big sister,” I whispered. “I couldn’t keep Susie safe and I basically threw Jesse to the wolves.”
His face registered confusion. “Susie?”
Then I remembered I hadn’t told him about Susie’s abduction and I wished I could stuff the words back into my mouth. It was too late. I decided to tell him. I took a deep breath and told him what had happened to my little sister when we were out riding our bicycles on that sunny summer day. When I finished, my face was soaked with tears I’d never shed for her.
“Oh, babe.” He hugged me close. “I’m so sorry. Can’t you see? You were a child. You couldn’t have saved her.”
“It should’ve been me.”
He leaned back and looked into my eyes, his own eyes sharp and shining. “No. Don’t ever say that.”
“It should’ve been me.”
And that was it. I’d said it. The thing that I’d been feeling since the day the man took her. Instead of feeling relieved of the burden of enormous guilt I’d been feeling, I felt raw inside, as if I was turned inside out. I felt that my failure to protect Jesse was proof that no other words I’d ever said had ever been truer.
There wasn’t anything more to say, so I curled up on Jesse’s bed, facing away from Callahan. He lay behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me close to him. Buddy settled on the floor next to me, refusing to leave my side.
I awoke with a start, jerking awake. I’d been dreaming but the dream was fading away from my mind, leaving only an image of fog drifting silently over a dirt road. My mind reached for the dream to make sense of it but the remnants of the dream came apart and separated like dandelions in the wind.
I felt cold and was thankful for the warmth of Callahan’s body curling into mine. Fear for my brother chilled me to my soul and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I turned on my side to face Callahan. He continued sleeping. I watched his face in the dim light, wanting to run my fingers along his jaw, over his mouth. At that moment, I felt such gratitude toward him for being there for me. I didn’t want to be alone. I needed him and it scared the life out of me.
Right then I needed to feel something more than fear. I leaned in and kissed his mouth. He came awake instantly and kissed me back, a deep sigh in his throat. We were still dressed and I wanted him.
“Get undressed,” I said to him, pulling my top over my head.
Without a word, he slipped out of bed and undressed, dropping his clothes onto the floor. I pulled down my jeans and panties and stepped out of them, climbing back onto the bed. Callahan moved to get back into bed.
“No,” I told him.
He froze, confusion on his face.
“Stay right there.” I moved to the side of the bed and sat in front of him. “Come here.”
He stepped closer to me. Then he was kissing my shoulder, the back of my neck, my back. “Leah.”
He lowered himself to his knees, wrapping his arms around me and resting his face against my belly. I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to fight the sense of panic creeping over me. I didn’t want him to love me. I couldn’t have him love me. I didn’t deserve it and I couldn’t give it back.
But I did need him.
“Come on, Cal. Let’s go try to get some sleep.”
I led him to my room and we slipped beneath the sheets. I felt warm and protected in Callahan’s arms, cocooned from the world. And as I felt sleep pulling me away from him, it occurred to me that I hadn’t felt that way since I was a little girl, sitting on my father’s lap.
* * *
Before they took her, our lives were normal. We played in the yard, my mother sewed quilts and sold them for extra money. In the evenings, she tutored students in any subject they needed help with. She was a smart woman, well read and talented with crafts. She was also good with
numbers and history. It seemed there was nothing she didn’t know at least a little bit about.
My father worked in his pub from eleven-thirty in the morning until one a.m. It was a hard life for him but he was so proud to have a surviving business and be able to raise his family without too many financial hardships. He was a big man with a shock of curly, red hair and a jolly face. I remember his smile and his laugh the most when I think about him. He always seemed to be laughing. He always had a joke to tell. He had a way with people and I’d seen him talk many an angry drunk into some sense of reasoning. I miss him so much sometimes. The way he was before they took Susie.
After the abduction, everything changed. Although my father hugged me fiercely many times after, I had a sense that he blamed me for not taking better care of her. I realize now, years later, that it was not him who blamed me, but me who blamed myself. I felt sorry that I’d let him down. Saying that I was sorry would never change things.
His laugh changed after that. When he did laugh, it was forced and half-hearted. There was no more booming laughter in the house. When I passed by the windows of his pub, I no longer saw the jolly smile he’d always had for his customers before. Now he wore a sad smile that didn’t stay long on his face.
My mother stopped taking students. She stopped quilting. She stood and looked out the kitchen window as if she expected Susie to come skipping up the walk. She hugged herself a lot and she stopped humming. In fact, she stopped making any sound at all. I tried to speak to her but it was as if she couldn’t hear me.
Jesse had been too young to understand. He was only four years old. I took over mothering him because our mother could no longer do it. She started leaving us for a day here and a day there at first. Then it was a few days. Then a week. Pretty soon she left us altogether.