Zach picked up his little soccer ball and watched the car drive by their house. “That Nate?”
“Yes. He’s with Pastor Brad.”
“Nate scary.”
Jenna’s heart dropped. Since waking up from his nap, her son hadn’t mentioned Nate or what happened earlier. She’d hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t remember it. She picked him up and walked up the steps to the big porch on the old white house, sitting down in a white wicker rocker with Zach on her lap. “Yes, he was scary this morning. But he isn’t like that the rest of the time. Except for this morning, he’s always been nice, hasn’t he?”
Zach nodded, his eyebrows dipping into a tiny frown. “Why he push Uncle Chance down?”
“Uncle Chance said something that made him very angry. Uncle Chance shouldn’t have talked to him like that, but Nate shouldn’t have thrown him to the floor, either.”
“Both bad?”
“Yes, they were both bad. They didn’t act nice at all.”
“Uncle Will bad too?”
Uh-oh. This was tricky. “Not really. He thought Nate was going to hurt Chance, so he was trying to stop him.”
“Nate push him too.” Zach examined a dirt streak on his ball.
“Yes, he did. And he shouldn’t have. Sometimes people we like do things they shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean we stop liking them. Remember when Sara Beth pushed you down on the grass? You didn’t like it, and right then you didn’t like her much either, did you?”
Zach looked up at her and shook his head. “She not nice.”
“No, she wasn’t. Not then. But she felt bad about what she did and told you she was sorry. Did that make you feel better?”
“Uh-huh. My her friend.”
“Sometimes grownups do bad things too, like this morning. Then they feel bad, and they say they’re sorry. That’s what Uncle Chance and Nate did while you were asleep. They apologized to each other and forgave each other, so now they’re friends again.”
“Uncle Will too?”
“I don’t think he’s talked to Nate yet, but they’ll be friends again. If Nate tells you that he’s sorry, will you be okay with him?” Please, Lord.
His forehead wrinkling in thought, Zach dropped the ball, barely noticing when it bounced across the porch. Concentrating on the question, he played with a rhinestone on her collar. “Nate sorry he scary?”
Jenna hugged him close. “Oh, honey, Nate is very, very sorry he scared you. He loves you very much.”
“We go see Nate? He say sorry?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. But I’ll call him and ask if we can go over for a few minutes.” She carried Zach into the house and pointed him toward his playroom, then she dialed Nate’s number.
When he answered, he sounded all wrung out.
After exchanging greetings, she asked, “What did the doctor say?”
“That I should be in a padded room.”
“Nate, quit kidding me.”
“He didn’t use those words, but it’s close. He was worried I’d blow up again and hurt somebody or myself. Pastor Brad convinced him that I’m a hotbed of tranquility for now. Too worn out to squish a fly. He gave me some medicine that may help me sleep and ordered me back early tomorrow for further evaluation.”
“Do you feel good enough for Zach and me to come by for a few minutes?”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I scared him awful bad this morning.”
“He wants you to say you’re sorry. Then I think he’ll be okay.”
She heard him catch his breath, then clear his throat. “Then get here quick as you can.”
“We’re on our way.” Jenna hung up and went to get Zach. He was driving a fat little green car around on the carpet. “Let’s go see Nate.”
Jenna grabbed some CDs she’d laid out along with her car keys and scooped him up, hurrying out the door and trotting down the steps. She secured him in the car seat in record time.
They met Pastor Brad on the way as he was leaving the ranch. She thought he might stop and speak to her, but he merely waved and smiled. When she stopped in front of Nate’s house, he stepped out onto the porch.
Zach watched him the whole time Jenna unfastened the straps on the car seat and lifted him out of the pickup. Often Zach preferred to walk these days, but he hung on to her as she carried him up the porch steps.
Nate’s sad expression made her want to put her arms around him and tell him not to worry. He studied Zach intently but made no move to reach for him. Her son focused on him just as seriously. “Did I scare you this morning?”
Zach nodded, his expression too somber for such a little boy. “Nate bad.”
“Yes, I was. What I did was very wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I’m sorry.”
“You sorry you scary?”
Nate flinched, and Jenna shrugged slightly. Evidently, her son needed a little more convincing.
“Very sorry. Will you forgive me?”
“Uh-huh.” Zach held out his arms, and Nate took him, holding him close.
He briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you, Zach.”
Zach hugged his neck, then straightened and showed Nate his toy.
“That’s a pretty cool car.”
“We play cars?”
“Not today, buddy. I’m all worn out. Maybe we can play another time.”
“Okay.” Zach looked at Jenna, and Nate handed him to her.
“Thanks for coming by.”
“Is there anything I can do?” She wanted to stay with him, to assure him that he wasn’t alone, but he needed rest, and with Zach around that wouldn’t happen.
“Pray for me tonight and tomorrow. Pastor prayed with me before he left, so I don’t feel quite as uneasy as I did. But I’m nervous about tomorrow. I thought for a while today that the doctor wasn’t going to let me out of there.”
“I’ve been praying for you all afternoon. Actually I pray for you every day.”
That brought a tiny smile to his face and a hint of sparkle to his eyes. “You do?”
“Ever since you came home. And a lot of the time while you were overseas, except when I was going through my own troubles. But I’ll be especially diligent tonight and tomorrow. I don’t think the hospital can keep you unless you consent or they have a court order. It might be different at the VA, but I doubt it.”
“You may be right, but the way the doctor talked, he could do whatever he wanted to. He’s probably tight with a judge in Howard County.”
“We don’t live in Howard County. I don’t know if that makes a difference, but it might.” She laid her hand on his arm. “But we trust in a higher authority than a county judge. God will see you through this, Nate.”
“That’s what I’m counting on.”
“We’ll go now and let you rest.” She glanced down, confirming that he still had his boots on. “Walk out to the truck with me. I brought you some CDs that helped me when I was depressed and had trouble sleeping.”
“Lullabies?” He followed her down the porch steps and across the mainly dirt yard.
“In a way. Instrumental worship songs. Some Celtic, some solo guitar. I found them soothing and relaxing, even if I didn’t always recognize the song. They didn’t always put me to sleep, but it was a good way to draw close to the Lord and rest in him.”
“Thanks. I’ll give them a try.” He smiled wearily. “Beats watching infomercials any day.”
After Jenna left, Nate called Dub, then Chance, and let them know how things stood. He talked to Will too, apologizing for his actions and confirming that his friend was still his friend and wasn’t badly injured.
After making peace with Will, Nate walked out to check on the horses. Most of them were grazing in the pasture, within sight of the house but not within easy chasing distance.
Winston had been with the others when Nate came home, but as usual, now he hovered close to the fence in hopes of a little head rub and an apple. He nickered quietly as Nate approached.<
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“Hi, fellow. Waiting on this?” Nate held out a shiny red apple, smiling when the horse took it from his open hand and began crunching on it. “If you don’t eat quieter, your friends are going to wise up, and they’ll come beggin’ too. Pretty soon, I’ll be spending my whole paycheck on apples.”
If he continued to get a paycheck. A man wasn’t paid when he didn’t work. Or at least he shouldn’t be. He’d made it clear to Dub that he didn’t expect wages for the time he spent going to the doctor. The rancher had grunted and told him not to worry about it, that he wasn’t paying him by the hour.
He scratched behind Winston’s ears and rested his forehead against the horse’s neck. Win made a little noise that sounded as if he was murmuring encouragement, maybe even trying to tell his friend how much he loved him. Whatever he said, Nate found it comforting. “I love you too, boy.” He straightened and assessed the other horses, deciding they looked fine. “I gotta call the folks and tell them how messed up I am. ’Course, they probably already know that.” With one last pat on the horse’s head, he turned and went slowly to the house.
Back inside, he called his mom and dad. Worried about their reaction, he paced across the kitchen twice before his mom picked up the phone. They chatted for a few minutes until he said, “Put the phone on speaker, Mom. I need to talk to you both.”
She complied and Nate filled them in on what had been going on the last few weeks and in particular that day. When he finished, they were silent. He pictured them looking at each other across the kitchen table, perplexed and wondering what to say.
Finally his dad cleared his throat. “I’m glad you went to see the doctor, son. We’ve been worried about you.”
His mom spoke up. “We didn’t have any idea how bad things were. I’m sorry we didn’t realize what you’ve been going through.” She sniffed, and her voice wobbled. Nate almost groaned. He hoped she wouldn’t get all weepy on him. He understood her feelings, but he couldn’t handle that right now.
“I didn’t expect you to, Mom. So don’t feel guilty or worry. After talking with Pastor Brad and the doctor, I’m confident they’ll get me squared away with the Lord’s help. I wanted to let you know what’s going on.”
“We appreciate that, honey.” Her voice sounded stronger, more in control. “What can we do?”
“Pray. And keep it to yourselves. I don’t want everybody in town knowing what’s going on.”
“We can do that, but it doesn’t hurt to have other people praying for you.”
“I’ve got a pretty good team lined up with y’all, the Callahans, and Pastor Brad.”
“Good enough.” His dad paused for a few seconds. “Do you want to move back here, son? So you aren’t alone at night?”
“Thanks, but I don’t think it would help. I’m too tuned in to every little noise. I think I’d be even more on alert.” And he didn’t want to scare them out of a night’s sleep when he woke up yelling. “I’ll let you go. I need to eat some supper and try out one of the doc’s miracle pills, see if it will help me sleep.” Not that he held out much hope of it acting right away. The physician said it might take awhile of gradually increasing the dosage to become effective.
They said their good-byes, and Nate hung up the phone. They’d reacted better than he thought they might. That was a relief. Having Jenna and the Callahans aware of what was going on lifted a burden too.
He ate another small plate of the spaghetti and had an apple. His mom always stressed the importance of fruit and vegetables along with grains, so he added a couple of her oatmeal cookies to his meal. He thought about turning on the TV and watching the news, then ditched the idea.
Listening to some of Jenna’s music would be smarter. He loaded his CD player with all of the albums and turned it on to a low, pleasant volume. The first CD was harp, flute, and fiddle music, with bagpipes joining in on some of the phrases. Nice.
After changing into an old, light gray San Antonio Spurs T-shirt and some lightweight blue sweatpants, he picked up the medicine bottle. The doctor said it was a common generic drug that had been used to treat high blood pressure for years. They had discovered that it also helped control the nightmares in PTSD sufferers. “Lord, the doc didn’t think this would help much right at first. But I’m going to trust you to make it happen tonight. I’d be happy with a couple of hours of good rest, but more would be better. Please help me sleep, Jesus. Let me rest in your care.”
He took the pill, turned out the lights, and went to bed, stretching out without any covers. Closing his eyes, he focused on the music, silently singing the words of praise that glorified God. The next one was familiar too, and as he silently declared the holiness of Jesus, he gradually felt a sense of peace calm his soul.
By the end of the album he’d almost drifted off to sleep, until the CD player paused and clicked as it turned to the next CD. The click jarred him, causing his heart to race and his muscles to tense. He jumped out of bed and crept to the window, making sure it was locked and that no one lurked outside. The living room was next. Scan the perimeter, check the locks on the doors and windows. Following his normal routine, he covered the kitchen and the spare bedrooms.
He got a drink of water and went back to his bedroom. “So much for resting in you, Lord.”
Don’t give up. Try again.
Nate lay back down, listening to the music and praying. “God, we prayed for you to send your angels to watch over me. I’m going to believe that they are here protecting me. I know logically that nobody is going to break in here and attack me, but some part of my brain doesn’t get the message. I’m asking you to calm that fear, along with being afraid of having a nightmare.”
He continued to pray, not for himself but for his family and friends, both locally and some he’d met in the service. Guys he thought might be dealing with the same issues. Keeping his thoughts focused on others seemed to help. He might not be falling asleep, but praying for people had to be a good thing. So he kept going.
He prayed for servicemen and women around the world. For the highway patrolmen; the sheriff and his deputies, specifically his old friend Dalton; the Callahan Crossing constable and the members of the volunteer fire department—including Dub, Will, and Chance—who all kept them safe. Next came the president and others in various levels of the government from national offices on down. About the time he got to the mayor and city council, he fell asleep.
For the first time in weeks, he slept four solid hours.
Without a nightmare.
20
Late the next afternoon, Jenna chopped up celery and onions for a stir-fry and glanced out the kitchen window every few minutes. Nate had called that morning to tell her that he’d had a good night and to thank her for the music, which had helped him relax. He’d still been nervous about seeing the psychiatrist but not quite as worried as the day before. She’d invited him to come have supper with her and Zach if he felt good enough when he got home.
He’d called when he and Pastor Brad left Big Spring, confirming that he’d eat with them. She’d seen them drive by about forty-five minutes earlier on the way to Nate’s.
“Quit looking out the window,” she muttered. “You won’t make him get here any sooner.” After checking on Zach, she washed the broccoli pieces and pea pods, then sliced up the chicken. The rice was already cooked, and cubed fresh mango chilled in the refrigerator. She’d baked some banana muffins that morning that would work for dessert and leave some to send home with him.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Jenna hoped he wouldn’t think she’d become a cliché. Over the years, plenty of women had tried to entice her brothers with their cooking. “Didn’t do them much good, either.” Chuckling, she looked out the window again and spotted his dark blue truck coming around the ranch house. Excitement zipped through her. On her way to the door, she took a quick peek in the walnut framed mirror she had rescued from an old dresser. She didn’t want to greet him with celery stuck in her teeth or teriyaki
sauce splattered on her blouse.
Zach came running over and climbed up in the chair she’d put under the window so he could see outside. He saw Nate getting out of the pickup and looked up at her with a smile.
She opened the door, then jumped over to help Zach down from the chair. He usually made it without any trouble, but he was in a hurry. The second Nate stepped inside, Zach met him with arms uplifted.
Smiling, her tall cowboy bent down and picked him up, giving him a hug. “Hi, buddy.”
“Play cars?”
“We’d better check with your mom.”
“I’m doing a stir-fry. If you’re hungry we can eat right away, or it can wait awhile.”
“Let’s wait a little bit. I’d like to spend some time with this guy. Zach, you go pick out some cars, and I’ll be along in a couple of minutes.” He set the boy on the floor, chuckling when he raced into the playroom. “If we could bottle his energy, we’d get rich.”
“By selling it to parents and grandparents of other toddlers.” Jenna slid her arms around his waist. His eyes widened slightly, and he put his arms around her too. “Welcome to my home.”
He grinned and pulled her a little closer. “Is this the way you greet everyone?”
“No. Only special people.”
“Ah, so I’m special, huh?” A sparkle lit his eyes.
That was a very good sign. “In a category all your own.” He lifted one eyebrow. “The only one I kiss hello.”
“I like the sound of that.” He kissed her gently. When he raised his head, he sighed softly. “I’m really glad you moved into this house.”
Jenna laughed and pulled away. “Me too.” Zach came racing back to them, cars in each hand. “No built-in babysitter, but it’s definitely going to have some advantages.”
Nate followed Zach to his playroom. It had been fun fixing up the room for her son. A little oak table and two chairs sat against one wall. She’d put a small matching bookcase on the floor next to it so he could reach his books. The yellow toy box she’d had as a child sat in the corner. Most of the floor was covered with a low pile rug in mixed shades of blue for a soft place to play with blocks and things. She’d left a stretch of the bare hardwood floor along one side for racing cars. One wall was painted to look like a mini-corral, with oversized boots sitting beside it and a big hat hanging from a post.
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