Mitzi hopped to the carpet stretched out a moment in a sleeping posture. “Look familiar?”
Memories were beginning to catch up with the rest of my brain. “But…you slept with Sylvie last night. Didn’t you?”
She rolled over, looked up at me. “For a while. But you kept making funny noises out here. I got worried, trotted back to the couch. That’s when I saw you. Both.”
My heart hitched a little. “The Count.”
“The Count.”
I put a hand to my forehead, warding off a coming headache. Maybe I was just hungry. “And I was so hoping it was all a dream…”
“You know it wasn’t a dream. And if you think you had a rough night, try waking up and staring at your own bodiless head.”
I groaned. “So we shared one of these…alternate realities, that it?”
She sat up, licked jam from her nose. “Hey, do I look like Stephen Hawking? The part of me that’s still Alicia barely passed Algebra in the Old Country before laying siege to this one. And if that old man isn’t the real Count Dracula he’s a close relation.”
I shrugged off sleep. “I know.”
“No,” Mitzi said, and turned away from me, “you don’t know…”
I frowned down at her, pulling on my sneakers. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She trotted in a little circle then sat down and faced me again. She looked unsettled.
“I haven’t been entirely truthful with you, Eddie…”
“About--?”
“That idiot vet back in KC. When I died?”
“Yeah--?”
“He buried me deep, Ed. Plus I was dead—I’m talking the real death. At least I’m pretty sure I was. Anyway, I couldn’t possibly have waked up on my own, let alone dug my way out of that grave…without assistance.”
I stared at her. “The Count.”
She nodded. “I never saw him, but he must have fanged me, given me a transfusion. I was just so far gone.”
I felt a sudden rush of warmth for the chisel-faced old man. “So why the gloomy look, Mitz? He probably saved your life. Though I can’t imagine why, being the pain in the ass you are.”
“Can’t you, Ed? He wants us together, don’t you get it. You and me.”
I shrugged. “So? That’s kinda sweet.”
“Sweet my ass. He’s been—you should excuse the expression—dogging us ever since that hotel convention. Never really letting us out of his sight. I’m not entirely sure he didn’t somehow orchestrate your casual meeting with Sylvie back in KC, even the drive up here to Chicago, and our staying here at her place.”
“How the hell could he—‘orchestrate’ all that?”
“I don’t know.”
I scoffed. “Quit being paranoid, he’s just a nice old man.”
“He’s a cunning old vampire with an agenda. I mean, aside from moi, how many nice vampires have you ever known? He’s not just being nice, Ed, he wants Ivan as much as you want Clancy.”
I gave her a dubious look. “How do you know that?”
“I’m a vampire! I can sense it! How do you know all that bloody crap he showed you last night wasn’t just some Vulcan mind-meld shit to scare you into keeping after Ivan?”
“You think the Count’s a Reader? But vampires can’t—“
“I think he’s a lot more than that! Maybe more powerful than Ivan!”
“So why doesn’t he just finish off Ivan himself?”
“Exactly my point! Why is he taking the circuitous route? And probably leading us to the chopping block?”
I bristled. “He’s leading us to Clancy, Mitz!”
“Well, we found her! Now let’s get her and get out again, what do you say?”
I took a long look at the poodle I loved. “What happened to leading the crusade against the vampire? Cleansing the Earth of him? All that just cheerleading?”
She looked affronted. “Hey, buster! I’m still on board. I’d just like to run my own reconnaissance missions, that’s all! Look, Ed, I love you, you’re my best friend, if you were a dog we’d be humping out in the alley, but you’re a little too generous with your heart sometimes, a little naïve about picking your acquaintances.”
“I thought you liked The Count! In KC you couldn’t say enough about the old guy!”
“That was before the ‘old guy’ started buggering my cerebral cortex with visions of naked carnage and my own headless torso hanging from a pink leash!”
“Ivan did that, Mitzi! Or will do it! Someday. Probably soon.”
“Maybe.”
I shook my head, cheek puffed with impatience. “You don’t trust anybody. You’re a complete cynic.”
“I’m alive.”
“Yes. Thanks to the Count.”
“Who has an agenda! One you refuse to acknowledge!”
“Am I interrupting?” from across the room.
We turned to find Sylvie adorning the kitchen doorway, brandishing a spatula and a skimpy little apron that may or may not have hidden panties beneath.
“Wow. Your wardrobe continues to amaze me,” I smiled.
“Isn’t it degenerate? My clothes are in the dryer. Come join the party! We’ve got fresh pancakes, raspberry jam and maple syrup!”
She winked, turned us a plump bottom and revolved back to the stove.
“And hot little buns,” Mitzi muttered wryly, trailing after. “Talk about a girl with an agenda.”
“Someone’s jealous.”
“Someone’s a sucker.”
“Paranoid canine.”
“Gullible human.”
“Bitch.”
“Oh, that’s inventive!”
* * *
The twins were still in their own enticing nighties, though not quite as daring as Sylvie’s getup.
They smiled and beamed as I came in—“Here’s our morning stud!”—then went immediately back to castigating the latest issue of Vogue, whose cover they both graced.
“What did they do to my cheeks?”
“What did they do to my nose? It looks like a dick!”
“That’s not even my true eye color. Some fucking filter or something!”
“The whole thing’s terrible! We both look a mess!”
I scooted next to them at the kitchen table, grabbed the issue and appraised it. They looked ravishing.
I handed back the magazine. “You’re right. It’s atrocious.”
I caught Sylvie smiling from the corner of my eye by the stove as the girls went simultaneously apoplectic.
“Oh, God, Ed, do you really think so!”
I cut a forkful of pancake, chewed ecstatically. “Mindy looks a little chubby.”
A whine of horror. “I do?”
“You’re the one on the left, right?”
“No. That’s Mandy!”
“Oh. Then Mandy, you look a little chubby.”
“I do?” ashen-faced.
“Tub of lard.” I tipped the cover toward me, let it go. “Boobs are drooping a bit too.”
“Whose?”
Sylvie set a cup of coffee next to my plate. “Girls. I think Mr. Magee is having you on.”
They both leaned desperately toward me. “Are you?”
I chewed around another sweet mouthful. “You know, I can help you guys get into shape…”
“You can? How!”
“Simple floor exercise. One of you gets under me, and the other gets on top—of course this works better without clothes—and then you both—“
Mindy threw the magazine at me.
They both pushed smugly from the table. “We’re late for a shoot.”
“Hey, don’t go away mad!”
“I’ll expect you gone when we return, Mr. Magee!” from Mandy.
“And Sylvie says you have a very small penis, by the way!” from Mindy.
And they stalked off.
“Love you guys!” I called.
Sylvie sat across from me, shaking her head. “Never tell a model she’s a pound over three gr
ams.”
I winked at her. “They’re crazy about me, you told me yourself!”
Sylvie sipped coffee, nodded. “But don’t press your luck.”
She had one eye on the kitchen clock. “I’ve got to scoot too.”
“Model shoot?”
She might have hesitated just a moment. “Something like that. Anyway, they don’t like it when you’re late…”
She set the cup in her saucer and started to rise but I caught her arm.
“Wait!”
I said it too loud. Covered quickly with: “Just one more cup of coffee with me.”
She looked back at the clock. “Really, Ed, I think you’ve seen enough of my ass in this ridiculous outfit.”
“Amen to that,” from Mitzi beside me.
“Please,” I said. “I’d like…we need to talk, Sylvie.”
She looked me in the eye. “Can’t it wait until I get back? The job only lasts—“
“No,” I said. Then softened it with: “I mean, I need to get this off my chest. Really.”
I heard a loud groan from Mitzi that I prayed was only in my head.
“All right,” Sylvie relented, “let me fetch us more coffee…”
* * *
I danced around the subject until the twins had dressed and left. They looked like a million dollars—two million—but what else was new? Anyway, we were finally alone together in the apartment.
But I couldn’t seem to get started.
“What the matter, Ed? Worried about Clancy? I told you we—“
“It isn’t that. Well, it is that, but it’s bigger than that.”
“What then? Having second thoughts about staying here? Too much estrogen in one apartment?”
I shook my head. “I love each and every inch of each and every one of you. It’s about trust.”
Sylvie hesitated over her cup. “Oh? All three girls or just me?”
“Just you for the moment.”
“Little trust or big trust?”
“Major trust. Complete trust.”
She raised her brows. “Oh. Well. That is big.” She set down her cup. “Who did you kill?”
When I didn’t immediately respond she leaned forward, expression sober. “Ed? Um…who did you kill?”
“Do I have it?”
“Have what? My trust? Of course. Completely. You know that.”
“I hoped so…”
“Well, you do. It goes no farther than this kitchen. You have my word. Was it murder?”
“Just don’t!” from Mitzi.
I looked quickly at Sylvie. “Did you hear that?”
“What?”
“What the dog just said.”
“The dog--?”
“Never mind. Yes. It was murder. In a sense.”
She frowned from her side of the table. “In what sense?”
“In the sense that he was already dead.”
Sylvie sat back, eyes narrowed, anticipating a punch line. “Already dead isn’t murder, Ed. What were the circumstances?”
“Sylvie…would you say Mitzi is a smart dog?”
“Ed, what’re we—“
“Smarter I mean than the average poodle.”
She cleared her throat, glanced back at the wall clock. “Ed—“
“She can read minds, Sylvie.”
She was doing some serious frowning now. “Ed. Please. Get to the joke. I really am late for work.”
“She’s what they call a Reader.”
“Who?”
“Mitzi.”
“’They’ who call her that?”
“Quit while you’re behind!” from Mitzi.
“That’s what you said about Clancy!” I barked back. Out loud.
Sylvie didn’t quite look like Sylvie anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed apology, “I was talking to her.”
“Her? You mean, Clancy?”
“What--?”
“You were talking to Clancy?”
“Sylvie, Clancy’s not even here!”
She looked around us—a little fearfully. “Not…that I can see…”
I waved my hand at the air as if to clear it. “I was talking to Mitzi, Clancy.” I shook my head in frustration. “I mean, I was talking to Mitzi, Sylvie.”
“Well, which one?”
“Which one what? There’s only one.”
“Mitzi or Sylvie!”
“Sylvie! I mean—shit—right now I’m talking to Sylvie! You! Before I was talking to Mitzi. Look, forget about all that. The point I’m trying to make is that she can read minds. Some minds, anyway. Most of the time.”
“The dog.”
I nodded. “Yes. The dog. Mitzi.”
Sylvie scooted back a little more fearfully. “Can she read my mind?”
“Not unless you’re a Reader.”
Sylvie glanced down at Mitzi warily. “W-Where would I have to send her?”
“No, no--not send her, you don’t have—look, never mind that, it isn’t important—“
“Ed…?”
“Yes?”
“…were you drinking last night?”
I rolled my eyes. “No. I was not drinking. Sylvie, you’ve got to try to understand what I’m saying!”
“I don’t understand anything you’re saying! How about a nice cup of coffee?”
“No. Listen to me—“
“I have been listening! And I’ve got to get to work, Ed!”
“In a minute! Try to listen to exactly what I’m—“
“They get really mad at work when you show up late—“
“Forget about work!”
“Forget about work?”
“There won’t be any work!”
“Did they call—am I fired?”
“Goddamnit, Sylvie,” I blurted finally, “the planet’s being overrun by vampires!”
She actually sat calmly there for a moment, nodded politely like she really understood, like everything was absolutely clear and the world made perfect sense.
Then she ran.
I heard her thump down the hall, heard her bedroom door slam behind her.
I looked down at Mitzi.
“That went well, Ed! Hey, is there any more of that raspberry jam?”
* * *
She didn’t lock the bedroom door, and when I came in and sat on the edge of her bed she even let me watch as she dressed for work, which I took as a good sign.
“Sylvie, let’s start again…”
“I’m really late, Ed.”
“You said you trusted me. Completely.”
“I’m letting you watch me dress.”
“I’m not making it up, the vampire thing.”
“Uh-huh. Hand me my bra, huh?”
“I’ve seen them. Killed them. They’re—“
“—taking over the planet, I know. Funny I haven’t run into one.”
“They come out mostly at night.”
“Me too.”
“You probably have run into them without knowing it. In fact…I know you have.”
“No kidding.”
“Ivan Kolcheck.”
Her fingers hesitated hooking her bra, then she turned to me. She put her hands on her lovely hips. “Prove it.”
I sighed. “Sylvie, Ivan will prove it himself soon enough. Only then it will be too late. Look, don’t you realize how insane I know this all must sound? But I’m putting your life—yours and the twins—in terrible danger. I have to at least warn you. Can’t you see that?”
What she saw was a crazy person sitting on the edge of her bed.
She shook her head sadly. “Why are the cute ones always gay or neurotic?”
I threw up my hands. “Fine. I understand. I’ll move out this afternoon. But at least promise me you’ll stay away from that art gallery.”
She looked up as Mitzi waltzed into the bedroom.
Sylvie turned to me. “Prove the dog can read your mind.”
I sat up with fluttering hope, looked over at Mitzi. “Oka
y,” I said carefully to Sylvie, “I’m going to tell her to do something without speaking aloud…communicating only with my mind.”
I turned to Mitzi. Mitzi stood by the vanity staring at me.
“Mitzi,” I pushed with my mind, “jump up on the bed.”
Mitzi jumped up on the bed.
I turned to Sylvie.
Sylvie shrugged her small shoulders. “How do I know you told her to do that?”
I sighed. Rubbed my forehead. Looked over at the dog. “Any ideas?”
“It’s your show, Sport.”
I looked up as Sylvie came toward me, bent down and whispered in my ear. “Tell her to jump off the bed.”
I turned to Mitzi. “Jump off the bed,” I told her in my mind.
Mitzi lay down on the pillow.
“Thanks for nothing,” I told her.
The dog sighed. “Weren’t we having a little discussion earlier about your egregious naiveté? Your willingness to trust anyone, including The Count?”
“Sometimes trust is all you’ve got, Mitz.”
“Yeah,” she stretched long across the pillow. “well, this isn’t one of those times.”
“Mitzi, please jump off the bed.”
“She knows you’re sweet on another woman, Ed, and she keep flashing her gorgeous ass at you! She’s up to something!”
“Companionship! Is that a sin?”
“Just you and me together on this thing, that was the agreement, Ed. If you tell Sylvie about all this, you’ll have to tell the twins. Tell the twins and you won’t know one vampire from the next without a program.”
Sylvie turned and slithered into her dress. “I’m late.”
I sat there staring at the carpet.
Sylvie grabbed her keys and headed for the door.
“Good-bye,” I intoned mournfully.
She turned at the door. “No one’s throwing you out, Ed. We can discuss this when I get back from work this afternoon.” She started to leave, turned back again. “I don’t want you to leave, Ed. You or Mitzi. Okay?”
“Why not?”
“Can I trust you to be here when I get back?”
I looked up at her there in the doorway. “Sure.”
“Good. See you in a couple of hours.” And she left.
I heard the front door open and close again behind her.
I got up from the bed. “C’mon,” I told Mitzi.
She lifted her head from the pillow. “Where to?”
“Anywhere but here. I’m not going to be around to watch three beautiful women get plastered all over the apartment walls.”
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