by J. B. McGee
There’s only one letter left. I put them down before I read it because I need to catch my breath. It never ever occurred to me that the reason he wouldn’t have come back was because of my age, or that he would have joined the military.
He must have felt so alone. I shake my head, feeling so horrible for how I’ve treated him. I’ve let my mind wander to all kinds of places about what I thought he was. And I couldn’t have been any more wrong.
Turning the last page, I hope that this letter isn’t a final goodbye. Praying that he hasn’t given up on me. If I’d only known this stuff...I don’t know what I would have said or done. I just know that this isn’t closure. This is just more what-ifs.
Alex,
I hope these letters are enough to convince you to talk to me. There’s more for me to tell you. I know you probably think you didn’t know me, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
You’re the only one in this world who has ever seen into my soul. When I was with you for that month, your presence was better than any pill a doctor could prescribe. The rush I got from my blood pumping through my body because you made my heart finally feel alive has been unmatched for the past fifteen years.
I’m waiting for you at the creek. I don’t have a plan B if you decide you’re still not doing this. I guess at some point, I’ll just give up and leave. Please don’t make me have a plan B, Alex. Please give me a chance.
More than anything, I wanted to tell you that I was with Papa before he passed. I want to tell you what he said before the heart attack. I want to share with you what his last moments were. That was a gift he gave to me. Don’t rob me of that.
By the way, I kept my distance at the services, but I wanted to pay my respects. Your eulogy was beautiful. You are so strong, so special. Please come to the creek.
Papa. I drop everything, go through the formal living room, grab the key from under that silly candy jar to unlock the door, and hold the bells so I don’t wake Memaw. I haven’t pulled an all-nighter like this in a long time. It feels good to be awake as the sun is rising, and most of the world is still asleep. I rush to the creek, hoping he’s still there. Ordinarily it would only take me less than a minute, but because of the knee injury, it takes longer.
“Drew!” I yell frantically before recalling it’s not even his name. “Stone, Drew...” In moments I see him running towards me, and the next few steps seem to take an eternity for him to reach me.
“Alex, I’m here,” he whispers as he wraps his arms around my waist, hauling me gracefully into his arms.
I just want to kiss him as if my life depends on it, but I’m still just not sure I’m ready for that. “What did he say to you? What was the gift?”
“You read them?”
I nod, then jump as a loud clash of thunder rings through the summer sky. Seconds later. rain erupts from the clouds, bouncing off of our hot bodies. He takes my lips into his, and it’s as if nothing has changed, when in actuality, everything has changed. He’s the comfort my soul needs. I didn’t expect to feel that. Then again, he’s always been the food my soul craved. Kissing him is as intoxicating as it’s always been. I pull back. “What did he say?” I ask, breaking our kiss and pushing back against his hard chest.
“He made me make a promise.”
“What kind of promise?”
He smiles, then shrugs. “Well, actually it was more of a commitment.”
I pound his chest, then stop myself immediately realizing that I don’t want to hurt him, physically or emotionally. “Stop with the games. Promise. Commitment. Whatever it was, just out with it already,” I urge.
“Okay. He made me commit...promise...to never leave you again.”
My eyes widen as they fill with tears. “You can’t keep that commitment...promise, though,” I say.
He puts me down, making sure my feet are steady. “I may have to go away, but if you’ll have me, I’ll never ever leave you like I did before.” He kisses me. “Ever again.”
This is surreal. All of the things I wanted are right in front of me, but it all seems too good to be true. It always has been. “I need some time to think about it. There’s still so much I don’t know. So many questions I still have.”
“I’ll answer them all, Alex. Just give me a chance.” I can see the begging in his eyes. “Just a chance,” he whispers.
Glancing up to the sky, I reach my hand out and let the rain puddle in my palm. “We need to get inside.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not going anywhere until you answer me. Just a chance?” He pleads.
I roll my eyes. “Fine. A chance,” I mutter as a loud clash of thunder booms.
After starting to run, he stops when he glances to his side. He looks over his shoulder back to me. It makes my heart skip a beat, like it’s been out of sync, and now it’s back on the right pace. “You comin’?” He asks.
Needing to catch my breath, not from running, but from the way he looks with his hair dripping wet, his eyes hopeful and excited, and his sculpted body showing through his wet white T-shirt, I just stand there for a moment.
“Alex?”
“My knee. I can’t run,” I answer. It’s true, my knee injury is hindering my progress, but even if I didn’t have an injury, the sight of him would still turn them to jelly.
The expression on his face changes, and I’m not sure how to read it. I’ve never seen this one before. It’s almost like anger, protective instinct, and pity all rolled into one. He dashes back to my side, sweeping me up and into his arms. I expect him to resume running to the house, but he stands there for a second with me in his arms, then kisses me quickly once more. “This is a familiar feeling. I like it.”
“What’s familiar?”
He smiles. “You being in my arms. Kissing you. Being together.”
I close my eyes because in this moment he’s exactly right. Storm or not, I’m completely at ease in his embrace. I nod contently. “I like it, too. Now get us inside before karma intervenes again and kills one or both of us in this weather!”
He chuckles. “You read about my opinions of fate and karma, huh?”
“Yeah. I read them all.” His eyes light up, and he grins as he effortlessly runs to the house. When we’re close I warn him, “Go to the carport.”
“Okay,” he agrees.
“Memaw is going to get onto us for being soaking wet.” My hearts starts to race at this deja vu moment. Like so many other times I’ve been with him, I feel like it’s all a dream...or a movie. As excited as I am to be able to have this second chance, I can’t help but wonder when the other shoe is going to drop – wonder when my world will once again come crashing down on me.
“You sound like you have experience with running around in the rain.”
I stare into that playful look I had become so familiar with all those years ago. Yet, I’m completely serious. He has no idea. “Put me down, please.”
“What happened in the rain?” He asks.
I walk to the short brick ledge that encloses the carport and sit. “That day...the day you left me.” I swallow, realizing this is the first time in a long time I’ve discussed it.
He sits next to me, so close that I can feel him. “What about that day?”
“When we returned, I wanted to see you. We drove by your house, it was empty; I just lost it. I looked everywhere for a note, for something to give me hope that I’d not lost you forever.” I roll my eyes trying to keep back the tears because thinking about that day still brings about so many emotions. “Finding nothing, I ran to the creek in one last ditch effort to find you.” I look away. “I knew you wouldn’t be there. Anyway, it started to storm like this. I came back soaking wet and was in trouble with Memaw and Papa.”
He hangs his head low, and I hear a sigh. “I’m sorry, Alex.”
“I know. You just hurt me so badly. I mean, my heart was already so raw and broken.” I shake my head. “I wasn’t sure I could survive one more loss.”
Glancing up throu
gh his long, dark lashes, I am mesmerized by him. Just like I used to be. “The letters say it all, though. I mean, you weren’t the only one with a broken heart.”
The rumble of thunder gets louder. “We should go inside,” I suggest.
When he stands, he offers me his hand. I place mine in his, and we walk to the door. When I turn the knob, it’s still locked which means Memaw probably isn’t up yet. I’m going to have to go in the front door and get us a few towels. At least I’m not fifteen anymore. It’s not like I can be put on restriction, which is a very good thing. Otherwise, she would have my tail for this. “I’ve got to go around to the front door to get us something to dry ourselves off with. This one is locked. I think Memaw is still asleep.”
“You can’t run, though.” He points to my knee. “I’ll go.”
I can’t help but laugh. “You don’t even know where the towels are.”
“That’s easy enough to fix. Where are the towels, Alex?” The way he says it, so flirty and yet matter-of-factly make it hard for me not to smile.
What is it about him that makes me so happy? Still, it’s frustrating to me that he can just waltz back into my life and make me feel this way. If I’m frustrated, why am I also so relieved? I shake my head as I try to snap out of my thoughts. “They’re in the closet on the left hand side, right before you get to the room you took me to that day...do you remember?”
His eyes widen. “Alex, I remember everything like it was yesterday. It’s been like a dream and a nightmare rolled into one that plays on repeat in my mind.” A lump forms in my throat because I don’t know that I could describe it any better or differently if I tried. A lone tear falls and he catches it. “I never got to teach you what to do with these,” he whispers.
I swallow the lump and shake my head. “Don’t.”
He leans forward and plants a kiss on my forehead. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep again.” I don’t even know what to call him, and it’s irritating me. “What do you want me to call you? Drew, Matt, Stephan, Stone?” I hiss.
“Stone. My name is and always has been Stone.” He moves my wet hair back away from my face. “I’ve only heard you say it in my dreams. Well, except yesterday when you were upset. That’s not how I envisioned you saying it,” he chuckles. “Anyway, please call me Stone.”
I need to break up this moment. It’s killing me, teasing and taunting me with all of the things I want and need. “Well then Stone, you better go get us some towels.”
His arms drop, and I watch him walk away. I hate the feeling of him skipping out on me. Skipping Stone taught me how to skip stones, what it was like to love, and then what it felt like to have it all taken away. The thought of him leaving me is unsettling and unwelcome. And I wonder if I’ll ever get used to calling him Stone? Shaking my head, I think deep down he will always be my Drew.
Then it occurs to me that he’s been given a fresh start. He no longer has to run, or hide. In that, we have also been given the same fresh start. My thoughts are interrupted as he opens the back door and comes out with fresh, clean towels in hand.
He’s already dried off, and his short slightly spiked hair awakens parts of my body I had forgotten even exist...like my heart...my soul. He puts one down on the brick ledge, opening the other. He wraps it around me and rubs his hands up and down, drying me off. “There, that better?” he asks.
“Uh huh.” His lips are pink, his eyes beautiful, his touch is magic. I glance up. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“Which part?” He stops.
“The part about breaking promises,” I whisper.
He nods. “Ah –”
I put my finger up to his mouth to quiet him. “I realized while you were gone that you technically haven’t broken any promises.”
Bringing his hand to mine, he holds the finger that I used to quiet him, then kisses it. He shakes his head. “No, I haven’t.”
“You may have left me, even though you told me you wouldn’t –”
“But I came back. I’ll always come back, Alex.”
Another tear escapes. “It’s been fifteen years, Stone. People change, and we’re both kidding ourselves if we think that you can promise you won’t leave.” I look away. “You’ve made a career out of the Army.”
Bringing his lips to my forehead, he pulls me into an embrace just like he did so many years ago. It’s all familiar, but I wonder if it’s enough. “Shh,” he soothes me.
I nibble on my lower lip as I contemplate the millions of emotions that are flooding my body. “What if we have nothing in common? What if we’re just clinging to this young love? You know...” I shrug and push myself out of his arms. “What if we just made each other more in our minds. The whole grass is greener thing.”
Stone shakes his head. “Nah. I don’t think so.”
I raise my chin as I cross my arms across my chest. “Prove it.”
He chuckles. “Okay.” A smile spreads across my face. He’s older, and it’s still weird for me to call him or think of him as this other name, but his mannerisms are all the same. Fifteen years ago, I knew this look on his face. It was one of accepting a challenge, like he knew deep down that he’d win. When he speaks again, his voice is low and quiet. It’s as if nothing else in this universe exists except for us. He mirrors my stance, legs slightly spread and arms crossed, then he says, “Come to dinner with me tonight.”
I swallow as I glance away. “Where?”
“I’ll work out the where. You just promise me you’ll come.”
The words send a ping straight to my heart. Even though we’re talking about a promise to go to dinner, it’s like the time at the creek when he said he wanted to teach me everything he knew. There are so many other implications with that very simple statement. At least, I think there are. That’s provided he’s the same guy I met at the creek, the one I thought I knew so well. Oh how I hope he’s the same guy that I’ve longed for all of these years. For that reason alone, I have to find out. If he’s not, then maybe it will give me the closure I’ve so desperately searched for all this time. “Time?”
He squints his eyes, scrunching his eyebrows. I thought he was cute back then, but we’re older now. Every gesture, every word exudes sexiness. “Six,” he says, finally.
“How should I dress?”
Stone laughs. “I don’t suppose you still have those white shorts with that white shirt, do ya?”
A blush creeps onto my cheeks. “No.” I shake my head. “But I might have something similar. So, casual?”
“Casual is perfect. Comfortable casual.” There’s silence, and usually I hate silence. Except this time, the silence is fine. It’s as if just existing in his mere proximity is enough. It’s comforting. Then I’m reminded, he always been my comfort. He pulls me back into his arms, kissing my head. “I don’t want to leave you even for a second. I just got you back.”
I sigh. “I know.” I think this emotion is relief. I don’t want him to go, either. It’s just like the last time we were together, when I was mourning the death of my parents. For the few minutes I’ve been with him since Papa’s passing, I’ve been able to breathe.
“I have to, though. If we’re going to do dinner, I have to leave.” He moves my arm until our hands are entwined. “This is right, Alex...can’t you feel it?”
I nod. “I just need to be sure.”
“Let me show you, then.” He takes my chin between his thumb and his finger and pulls my lips into a slow, sensual kiss. Our tongues dance in perfect rhythm. My head becomes fuzzy, and I remember what this feeling felt like, how much I’ve missed it. I’ve tried to get it back, but it’s been impossible.
When he pulls back, I’m left reeling for my desire to have more of that. I ask, “You promise?”
He furrows his brows. “Ahem. Sorry, promise what?”
I giggle. “Yeah, that kiss had that kind of effect on me, too. Promise to show me that this is right?”
Stone brings his f
inger to his lips, as if he’s thinking. “I think I just did, but if you need more, then sure.” Glancing away to hide my grin, he pops his head into my view. “If you need more proof, I’ll have plenty more where that came from tonight, I promise.”
“The chemistry has always been there.” My smile turns into a frown. “What if that’s all it is, though?”
“Oh that kind of proof. There’s more, Alex. Let me show you that, too.”
Even though I have no reason to believe him, I do. I always have, well, until he left. I nod. “I will. In fact, I think everything in my future depends on it.” I wink at him remembering how much I had riding on him teaching me how to skip stones. When I thought I was a lost cause, he showed me otherwise. Maybe that’s why I believe him. “So how’s that for bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, full count pressure?”
Stone throws his head back and does this thing with his eyes that nearly makes me melt. “I’ve always done well under pressure. It’s the story of my life. I thrive on it.” He looks down and starts to speak again, “So I hope you’re prepared.” When he brings his head back up, I’m locked with the most beautiful brown eyes I’ve ever seen. He continues, “I’m not letting you get away from me this time, Alex.”
It’s like my mind and heart aren’t on the same page, or maybe they are. My head starts to move up and down. I know he means it.
Today I’ve been through a myriad of emotions. Some are so familiar. I didn’t know what they were fifteen years ago, or maybe I did, but I didn’t realize they were normal stages of grief. I’ve felt guilty for having any kind of emotion other than remorse for Papa. I’ve gone through five million ‘what if’ questions.
As I wait for Drew, I mean Stone, to pick me up, I glance in the mirror. I decided to go shopping earlier to try to recreate the outfit that was his favorite. It’s a more adult version. White hipster shorts, and a sequined white tank top. It sounds fancy, but it’s comfortable, yet dressy.
The back doorbell rings, sending zaps through my entire body, zaps of anticipation and maybe hope. Memaw smiles, “I’m glad you came to your senses and you’re going to go see that boy.”