by J. M. Witt
I remained silent.
He nodded. “I expected you to leave a long time ago.”
My eyes bulged and my mouth hung open, it was as if he punched me in the gut. “Do you want me to leave? I’ve pleaded with you to try with me and we get nowhere. If you’re expecting me to leave, should I assume you haven’t been trying to work on us like I asked?”
Shrugging his shoulders, “I guess so.”
We were both calm and neither of us raised our voice. But now I didn’t know what to say or do. “So, now what, Todd?” I said to myself I wanted out. This was my opening. Why wasn’t I taking it?
“I guess we have some things to think about and decisions to make.”
“Yeah, I guess we do. I need more in the bedroom from you. If you can’t give that to me...”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I just, I’m not comfortable with anything like what you want.” He was referring to my requests in the bedroom and we both knew it.
“So, I’m just supposed to be content at not getting what I need?”
“Jesus, Mer. I don’t know. This is a lot to process. I don’t want to end our marriage.”
“But you just admitted you’re doing nothing to nurture it either.” We sat and stared at each other. “Do you love me?” He started to speak and I stopped him. “Stop, like love me? Passionate, want to climb the Grand Canyon and rip my clothes off love me? If there was still passion here, it wouldn’t be so hard between us. Everything feels so labored.” I lost my train of thought. Nothing seemed labored with Gregor.
“I don’t know. I know I love you, but...”
“Exactly.” I ran my hands through my hair.
“I’m so worried I’m going to come home one day and you and the kids will be gone.”
I laughed, I couldn’t help it. “Where do you think we’d go, Todd? If anything, you’ll come home to the locks being changed.”
He glared at me, “That’s not funny.” It kind of was because he knew I’d do it, had done it before when I’d found out about his infidelity when we were dating.
“I’m not going anywhere. That doesn’t mean I’m not already gone, though.”
He studied me for a long moment before getting up and heading to the bedroom. I released a huge breath. What had just happened? It was the opening I needed to leave or to start the process. But one didn’t just throw away years together after a five minute conversation. Did they? FUCK!
There was this overwhelming sadness and happiness all at once. The sadness was because I finally realized my husband would never do the things I needed him to or make me feel the way Gregor did. Happiness because I’d found someone who could make years of fantasies come true. Gregor made me feel and experience things I never thought I would.
Then I panicked. If I ended things with Todd, Gregor might take that the wrong way and end things with us. I started pulling open the drawers of my desk. Candy, chocolate, and salty snacks all greeted me, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a cigarette. I rarely smoked them, like maybe at the bar with Tami, but never around Todd—or Gregor. But I fucking wanted one NOW.
My chest was tight and my eyes burning. Todd had closed the bedroom door, probably going to bed. I went to the half bath and splashed some cold water on my face. The faint ping from my phone sent relief and exhilaration through me.
Gregor.
It’s like he knew when I needed to hear from him without knowing it.
Chapter Seventeen
PIECES
NEEDING MUSIC TO distract me, I sat down at my desk. Pieces by Rob Thomas came on shortly after. I stared at my laptop. A laptop that had a picture of the kids and I, Todd wasn’t present, on the desktop. I listened to the song more than once as tears fell down my cheeks. I needed to stop doubting myself and whether or not I could make it on my own. I knew that was my biggest fear, supporting me and my kids.
I’d sent Gregor an email before my talk with Todd, about sending dirty emails to one another. I smiled at his response asking, ‘How dirty?’ I started my reply.
TO: [email protected]
10:18 PM
Subject: Re: Hola
Lol. I may need a few minutes to compose myself. Todd and I just had the most serious talk we’ve probably had ever. Months and years of issues finally came to a head. Some of his comments surprised me, some didn’t.
TO: [email protected]
10:31 PM
Subject: Re: Hola
Keep it balanced, non-defensive, and constructive. Hard to do but much harder in the long run if you don’t. Hope it went well and continues to be productive! :)
Ugh. I’m not sure if any of that happened, but I know we weren’t screaming at one another.
TO: [email protected]
10:35 PM
Subject: Re: Hola
It was the nicest either of us has been in a long time. We have some decisions to make. He’s not comfortable with what I need, but also admitted he’s been waiting for me to file for months. He knows I’m unhappy and he is too. I’m trying to let it all sink in.
TO: [email protected]
10:51 PM
Subject: Re: Hola
That is a lot for you to take in. For both of you. If you love him and want to be with him – tell him that. Tell him as long as you keep talking – you can figure something out that works for both. It may not be perfect – but it will be a start.
Something I came to accept is the idealistic nature of the perfect mate is very tough to come by. Not impossible, but one risks passing their whole life by trying to find something that may not exist.
If two can accept that they can’t be everything to each other and TRULY be ok with that – they stop trying to live up to the impossible ideal and the pressure that comes with it. Instead, they can focus on the positives and accentuate those. I am not quite there yet with her but we are slowly getting closer.
It was oddly reassuring that he, too, was still working on things with his wife. For as long as he’d been married and in the lifestyle, they were still together. I didn’t know how things would ultimately end with Todd and me, but Gregor gave me a sliver of hope about the future.
TO: [email protected]
10:58 PM
Subject: Re: Hola
I do love him, it’s the whole ‘being in love’... I’m so baffled and kind of angry with some of his responses. He did seemingly agree that if he felt passionate about me and us that things would be better.
I’m torn to two extremes; just try to ignore it and keep the peace because we’ve built so much and just giving up...
I need to try to get some sleep. Hope you can do the same. Sweet dreams of naughty things...
I just couldn’t think straight anymore and just wanted my bed. I just wanted to be held, by anyone. Crawling into bed, I tried curling up to Todd, but he was unreceptive. I knew he felt it, his breathing indicated he was awake, but had absolutely no reaction to my touch. Tensing at my touch might have been easier for me to handle versus the nothing I got. In the morning, Todd left for work and once I heard the front door close, I grabbed my phone. Gregor had been up late or really early.
TO: [email protected]
3:09 AM
Subject: Hope you are sleeping...
I’ve existed between those two extremes and it was a very rough, dark period. It is very hard to make a decision when alternatives both run counter to one’s true self.
If you want to talk tomorrow (today) – let me know. It won’t solve anything (obviously) but it helps just having that outlet that understands and has been there.
Hope you are sleeping... :)
TO: [email protected]
6:32 AM
Subject: Re: Hope you are sleeping...
I would love to chat with you/see you but don’t want to cause any grief. I can talk to my friends but only so much because they wouldn’t understand this.
I tried crawling into bed and cuddling with him, desperat
e for some kind of consoling. I of course know better. It didn’t happen. I’m a very physical creature, he’s not.
I hope you got some rest. You’re up late/early. You have no idea how grateful I am for you...for many reasons.
Talk soon.
Now that he’d brought it up, I wanted to sit and talk with him very badly. I had so many questions for him, not that asking them—or him answering them—would do anything to help my situation. As I got the kids breakfast, a reply came back from him.
TO: [email protected]
8:02 AM
Subject: Re: Hope you are sleeping...
I probably won’t be able to meet but should be able to call later. Once the kids are at school I’m going to try to lie down. I was up much of the night with work stuff.
Just because he may not reciprocate the physical touch does not necessarily mean you aren’t getting through. If you want/need to snuggle – do so. It doesn’t have to be overly overt. Sometimes we just need some consistency and repetition before we feel like it isn’t a test. I know it seems odd and it may not be the case but trying it won’t hurt.
TO: [email protected]
8:12 AM
Subject: Re: Hope you are sleeping...
Ok. I should be home working most of the day.
I plan to keep talking to him. He always kisses me goodbye in the morning. Needless to say that didn’t happen this morning.
Thank you again.
Of course, the thought of being bent over your knee and my mind silenced sounds good too. I hope you’re able to get some rest.
I went about my morning, trying desperately to turn both Todd and Gregor off. I never got a phone call from Gregor, but he’d emailed.
TO: [email protected]
1:52 PM
Subject: Re: Hope you are sleeping...
Today has been another cluster. I will try you before school ends.
If he called, my phone didn’t get it. I knew how quickly his days could go from fine to chaotic, just as anyone’s could. He also never brought up calling me. I wanted to overanalyze it, but I wasn’t going to allow myself. I had enough on my plate to worry about.
Later in the week, emails continuing to fly between Gregor and me, he sent me a picture of a hay bale. We’d both chaperoned field trips to the same orchard but on different days. Many emails flew between us about whips, switches, bales of hay, etc. His next email threw me for a loop.
TO: [email protected]
1:01 PM
Subject: Re: Hot, sweaty mess...
Go to your concert next week a day early. I’ll be in the vicinity. I would be there late, but you could make it worthwhile...
I’d brought up Tami and me going to a concert a couple of hours away. We’d planned to do some shopping and relaxing beforehand. The wheels in my head started accelerating quickly.
TO: [email protected]
1:12 PM
Subject: Re: Hot, sweaty mess...
How do I explain going a day early?!?!
I immediately called Tami. She had to work the night before but was going to see if she could switch with someone.
“Don’t worry. If I can’t switch you should still go. I can meet you the next day for the concert.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes! Make this happen. I know you want to spend the night with him.”
She was right. I did want to spend the night with him. I needed more than the couple hours we had in Casper.
TO: [email protected]
1:31 PM
Subject: Concert
It’s worked out. I’ll be there a night early. :)
I was so excited and wondering how to contain my excitement. I didn’t hear back for a few hours, after the kids were home.
TO: [email protected]
4:36 PM
Subject: Re: Concert
I should arrive shortly after ten p.m. I’ll call to book the room.
TO: [email protected]
4:39 PM
Subject: Re: Concert
Guess I’ll need to find something to keep me occupied until then. I’m sure I can time it to arrive around the same time.
So, does that mean I get to wake up with a dick in me the next morning?! Lol.
TO: [email protected]
4:46 PM
Subject: Re: Concert
I better be waking up with my cock in your mouth...
TO: [email protected]
4:51 PM
Subject: Re: Concert
That can most certainly be arranged...
Todd surprised me later that night when we were in bed. We were fooling around, trying to make things work, when he asked if he could tie me to the bed.
“Umm...ok.” He grabbed some of his ties, which I tried to not laugh about all the clichés involved there.
We had some laughs, had sex—my bruises from Gregor gone—but nothing to write home about. I was struggling to take him seriously. It was just so not Todd.
TO: [email protected]
8:33 AM
Subject: Silk ties?
I got tied to the bed last night...lol. I’m having a hard time taking him seriously, but we had some laughs.
Not long till I’m in the hands of a professional...
TO: [email protected]
8:42 AM
Subject: Re: Silk ties?
Laugh and enjoy the learning and experimenting together, but don’t compare or criticize. He is way out of his comfort zone and most men will simply not do that. Get the real thing elsewhere discreetly and securely but nurture what you have with him and see where it goes. Unlikely, but he might surprise you. You might surprise yourself. Might find a certain Dominant side and he might be a nice fit for it and strengthen your relationship/sex life while you are being properly fucked and used elsewhere. Lecture over.
I’m still picturing hay bales (from different angles)... :)
TO: [email protected]
8:47 AM
Subject: Silk ties?
Yes. Agreed. It’ll be something different for us and maybe I’ll find MY dominant side somewhere in the mix. Hehe.
Thank you for all you do; mentor, friendship, proper use and fucking...etc.
I can almost feel the hay poking and scratching my delicate skin as you spank me. :)
TO: [email protected]
8:55 AM
Subject: Re: Silk ties?
He might be the more natural or most submissive of the two of you. You may find that taking control allows both of you to get more of what you need. That is coming on VERY little information, but it could be if he is looking for you to assert control and vice versa. Maybe he needs his bottom paddled. Who knows? But take the time to explore together and find out. And keep in mind that it is the journey that should be enjoyed – not the end. You know the end with me due to a complete understanding of the roles and communication. But you still revel in the journey. You two have your own journey that will be different and the destination isn’t known yet.
You want something else poked...
TO: [email protected]
9:13 AM
Subject: Silk ties?
I love your ‘lectures’. Don’t stop
I always want to be poked...
Later in the day he sent another email. He was at a local sports equipment store and was sending me pictures of various sized paddles. Ping pong, tennis, if it held the shape, he sent the picture. I was cracking up and playing right into his hand.
TO: [email protected]
12:36 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
For the love...I’m now squirming in my seat...wet of course.
Sorry. Maybe what I should say is, ‘Thank you, Sir. May I have another?’ :)
TO: [email protected]
3:29 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
Found this at a garage sale for $1. I thought it could be r
efurbished and repurposed... :)
I opened the picture and my mouth fell open. The wooden paddle was more than twice the size of his hand and I had no idea what sport it was used for, nor did I care. He’d placed his hand next to the paddle so that the size wasn’t lost on me. I was excited and nervous at the thought of him wielding that paddle against my ass.
TO: [email protected]
3:35 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
Jesus...Hemp oil will help refurbish that. :)
TO: [email protected]
4:29 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
Our spot has been overrun by hunters training their dogs this weekend...
‘Our spot’. I loved that he called it that, because it would never be anything but that to me. It would always be our secret place.
TO: [email protected]
4:33 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
Bastards...I miss our spot.
TO: [email protected]
4:34 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
I need your ass staring back at me from across my lap...
TO: [email protected]
4:37 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
Tingles...When and where? I know you’re swamped, but I’m around.
He didn’t respond until later that night when I was headed home after being out and about shopping, enjoying some alone time.
TO: [email protected]
8:37 PM
Subject: Re: Spanking?
I’m tired. Did you stock up on your Jolly Ranchers?
TO: [email protected]
8:39 PM