by J. M. Witt
“You’ve said amazing like seven times.” She rolled her eyes, trying to get me to smile.
“Well, it was.”
“Has he emailed?”
“Yes.” Smiling, “He asked if I was glowing.”
“Well, you’re clearly glowing, but you just got yourself in too deep. Tell me what happened.”
“I have to put on music for you to get the full gravity of it all.” She understood my attachment to music, had it herself, and agreed.
I started with Rescue My Heart by Liz Longley, one song that had played as Gregor and I had lain face to face slowly kissing. I started recounting my night to her from the beginning. I explained in great detail the hand holding, the constant touching, the kissing, and the lack of punishment. He’d paddled me, but not like he had upon previous meetings. The night was full of pleasure and forbidden desires.
“He wouldn’t let go of me, Tami. I had to plead with him to go to the bathroom and the second I returned to the bed he was on me again.” We both sighed. “And I loved it. I’ve never felt so desired in my life.”
“Definitely sounds like a very passionate night. Did you sleep?”
“He did, for a couple hours. I drifted in and out.”
“He trusts you if he was able to sleep.”
I laughed, “You’re forgetting I was in his vice hold while he slept. Even if I wanted to snoop, I wouldn’t have been able to.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t snoop through his things. You had your chance when he was in the shower.”
I shook my head. “Why? There’s no need. I trust him. Maybe blindly, but I trust him. And I want him to feel the same way about me.” I giggled and she pinched her brows together. “There probably wasn’t anything ‘personal’ at my disposal anyway. His wallet and anything else, were probably in the bathroom with him or in his truck.” She looked at me slightly baffled. “You don’t know him like I do. He’s smart and guarded. It’s fine.”
She shook her head. “If you’re fine with it.”
“There’s nothing to not be fine about.” I was getting annoyed because it was making me question him and I didn’t want to think about him hiding anything from me. She picked up on it after my long silence.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you doubt him. I just know that I wouldn’t have had the self-control.”
“It’s ok. I know it’s a lot to comprehend.”
We sat in silence, aside from the music playing. Even after having had my coffee, I was yawning and lay back. The reels played over and over in my head. I must have dozed off. When I woke, the room was dark and Tami was gone. I found a note on the bed that said she would be back shortly. She hadn’t put down a time, but I looked to the clock to see it was almost four p.m. I’d slept for a couple hours.
No email awaited me.
Going through my bags, I grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom to shower. Stripping down, I examined my ass in the mirror. The bruises from earlier in the week were changing from beautiful reds and purples to ugly greens and greys. There were a couple of faint red marks from the night before and I traced my fingers over them carefully. It sent shockwaves of remembrance through every nerve in my body. Shaking away the tremor, I turned on the water and stepped into the shower.
What I experienced with him was so much more than I ever expected and possibly more than I was prepared to deal with. As the water pelted down on me, I let the emotions from my night with Gregor run through my mind once again. The tears began to fall as I wrapped my arms around myself. My hands moved to squeeze the marks on my ass and I knew I was at a crossroads. Let go of one of them. Let go of both of them. Keep them both and pray I could find balance. And how did I do any of that and still choose myself? Getting angry with myself and my tears, I forced them to stop.
We’d made a plan and I’d agreed to that plan. The thing that tripped us up—well, tripped me up—were the unexpected emotions. Emotions will fuck up the most beautiful thing every time or make it more exquisite. I was pretty sure my emotions would fuck it up. I had to turn them off, make it stop, keep them at bay because there was no chance I was walking away from him. And if he knew about my emotions, there was a good chance he’d walk away.
It was simple. I DID NOT AND HAD NOT FALLEN. I refused to admit it. This was just for fun, a release we couldn’t get elsewhere. Nothing else. The only other thing I knew for sure was this: I had no intention of walking away from him.
“Bitch! Hurry up, I need to pee.”
Tami was back. Thank God because I needed the distraction! “Almost done!”
I rubbed my ass with the cream Gregor had recommended and quickly dressed. Jeans and a t-shirt, just my style. Opening the door, Tami barged in as I left the room, quickly trading spots with me. Walking about the room, we started planning our night.
“So, do you want to grab something for dinner?”
Yelling back from the bathroom, “Yes. I’m not hungry, but will be soon enough.” She washed her hands and stepped back into the room as I towel dried my hair. “You feeling better?”
Shrugging my shoulders, “The sleep helped. It is what it is. I can only take it one day at a time right now.”
“Have you heard from him?”
Shaking my head, “Not since he emailed after we left. It’s only been a few hours.” Sighing, I said, “I want to have fun tonight. Tonight is for us! Let’s get fucked up! Thank goodness we can walk to the concert.”
“Yeah, we just have to make sure we don’t get arrested for disorderly conduct or public intoxication.”
I laughed and looked at her knowingly. She rolled her eyes at me as I laughed, “We both know it won’t be me getting intoxicated.”
“Shut your mouth, whore. I can hold my liquor better than you can.”
“Yes. With that we can agree!”
Late that night, or early the next morning, we stumbled into our hotel room. The concert had been great and well worth the trip. Of course, Gregor made it that much better. I was definitely tipsy and Tami was drunk. We managed to get into our jammies and climbed into our separate beds.
Scrolling my phone, I huffed and Tami picked up on it. “No email?”
“No.”
“Don’t you fucking email him. Let him email you.”
Groaning, I knew she was right. I dropped the phone next to me on the night stand and put some music on. Tami and I chatted for a bit before we both passed out. Several hours later I woke remembering his breath on my neck, hand on my hip as he slid his hand down lower. I let myself drift into the memory.
Waking warm, relaxed, and in his arms was a wonderful feeling. Realizing I must’ve fallen asleep, this was the best way to be woken up. Morning sex, there was nothing better. The only thing left to complete that glorious feeling was to be joined as one with him, needing him deep inside me once again. Having him so thirsty for me first thing in the morning, after fucking all night, was the best high. His urgency only increased my need.
He yanked off my nightie and then my panties, wasting no time. My release found me quickly as his hands held my hips against his face. Then grabbing a condom, he put it on and fucked me only the way he could. Sweaty and sated, he kissed me as he covered me with his body before rolling to his side and taking me with him. Nuzzling into him, his hands traveled my body as I drifted off to sleep once again.
A lone tear fell from my eye and to the pillow below my head at the memory. There was a good chance he was going to break my heart, and I was going to let him. Hell, maybe I’d break his.
Before that first spanking, I was so nervous and then it was like this switch had been flipped by Gregor. I became the brave confident girl I used to be, but with a little more edge. I would get through this. I had to.
I drifted back to sleep for a while longer, waking to the alarm on my phone. Tami groaned and threw the pillow over her head. I took that as my opening and claimed the bathroom. About an hour later we were dragging our asses to my car.
&
nbsp; “Coffee. Food. Stat!”
Laughing, I agreed. “For sure!”
We spent the drive home much like we spent the drive out of town. Listening to music, singing along, chatting, bitching, and sharing lots of laughs. As we got closer to home, we stopped for gas and a smoke break for Tami.
Checking my phone, I set it down abruptly while we leaned against my car. Still no email and it wasn’t like Todd was checking in on me either. And had he been, I probably would’ve been just as annoyed as I was that Gregor wasn’t checking in on me. It was messed up, I know.
Flashing her cigarette at me she offered one to me. “You sure you don’t want one?”
Sighing, “Fuck it. Hand me one.”
Laughing, she teased, “You’ll be sorry.”
“Probably.”
I was fucking floating on a high from that cigarette and needed a couple minutes before I felt ok to drive. The nice thing about not being a frequent smoker was still getting that nicotine high any time I indulged. I never was a fully committed smoker, never smoking more than four to five a day when I was committed. Clearly, I was quite the addict.
Ugh. Addict.
Just thinking about him had me ‘jonesing’. He should’ve come with a warning label. Something to the effect, ‘Danger, may cause addiction once consumed. Proceed with caution. You can’t have just one.’
Closing my eyes I realized how much my lips craved his kiss and it’d only been a day. He’d breathed fire into me. Not life; fucking fire. The thought of him was like a spark igniting and when I was with him, I was ablaze. Now I worried about the backdraft, wondering if and when it’d blow my life apart. If it hadn't already.
We pulled into my drive. Tami didn’t bother coming in and I couldn’t blame her. Maybe she sensed the black cloud overhead even before I did. Climbing in her car, she waved before driving off. She put her thumb and pinky up to her head and mouthed ‘call me’. I nodded. Taking a deep breath, I walked into the house.
Home.
I loved this house. Loved it the minute I walked into it the day we were looking at houses. It could’ve been a little bigger, but we made due. Over the years I’d slowly made it what I wanted it to be with my paint choices, décor, and everything in between.
“How was the concert?” Turning to Todd, he smiled at me half assed, but didn’t move to hug me or show me that he missed me.
“Good. It was really good. Thank you.”
“You and Tami have some good girl bonding?”
Laughing, “Yes. We always do.”
Then I heard the trample of their feet as they ran down the stairs. “Mommy!”
Crouching down, I hugged my kids as they squeezed their little arms around me. “Were you good for Daddy?”
They all nodded with excitement as Todd confirmed that they’d been good. “That makes mommy very happy.”
They followed me into the bedroom as I put my suitcase on the bed. “Hey guys, let’s go outside. Give mommy a few minutes to get unpacked.” Todd escorted the kids out of the room and then outside.
Once I was sure they had left, I quickly pulled my bag of goodies—flogger included—from my suitcase and hid it accordingly.
About an hour later, my phone pinged. Heart racing, I pulled up his email. He was responding to the one Tami didn’t know I’d sent the night before.
TO: [email protected]
4:07 PM
Subject: Re: Good night
Apparently I caught some stomach bug. Hoping you didn’t get it. I’ve been down since shortly after I got home yesterday. Barely moved today.
Hope you had a good time at the concert.
TO: [email protected]
4:13 PM
Subject: Re: Good night
I’m so sorry. I will admit I was growing worried about you and figured something was going on. I’m fine, but I’ll be doubling up on my vitamins! Lol
Concert was great!
Knowing he was sick, it came as no surprise that he hadn’t been responding. Todd and I spent the rest of the evening getting laundry caught up and the house cleaned. He was leaving on Monday for a three week city to city training stint. One less thing to worry about. Couldn’t fight with Todd if he wasn’t here to fight with.
The next morning, before I hopped in the shower, I got an email.
TO: [email protected]
9:06 AM
Subject: Re: Good night
Much better today, but still going to take it easy.
Hope you had a good welcome home...while keeping your ass hidden.
TO: [email protected]
9:14 AM
Subject: Re: Good night
I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a little better. It was a good evening, nothing too exciting. I did crash early because I let myself get dehydrated and may have had too much to drink Friday night with Tami. Lol I’m much better this morning.
He leaves tomorrow for his 3wk tour. I have to skip the gym and drop him at the airport. It started an argument. Shoudn’t have, but it did.
Hope to talk/see you soon. Feel better.
The next morning I dropped Todd off at the airport. It was probably one of our coldest goodbyes in a long time. I needed Gregor; his humor, his calming presence, his distraction.
TO: [email protected]
11:44 AM
Subject: Re: Good night
Driving home from the airport. Ball of stress. Enjoy your day.
When I was almost home, his response popped up.
TO: [email protected]
12:15 PM
Subject: Re: Good night
Stress from...? Having the kids for the next 3-4 weeks?
Pulling in the drive, I typed my response before going inside.
TO: [email protected]
12:24 PM
Subject: Re: Good night
Sigh. That I’m horny (shocking, I know). He critiqued my driving the whole time and I wanted to punch him in the face. He didn’t kiss me goodbye (probably sensing I wanted to punch him in the face).
Maybe I just need my ass beaten till I smile. Lol
I will admit that I spent the day moping around. Gregor was quiet all day and I just couldn’t focus on editing, writing, or PTA stuff. I sat down at my laptop that night, having just put the kids to bed, and an email popped up from Gregor.
TO: [email protected]
8:15 PM
Subject: Re: Good night
If like me, those that spend a lot of time driving can be critical, but it’s because of all the accidents we see happen. It’s hard preparing for a long trip and remaining ‘normal’ while going through the mental checklist of shit to get done.
But I will still beat your ass for you... :)
Then I did what I didn’t think I could. I emailed Gregor and told him that I had almost cried with him a couple times after a paddling, but that I wouldn’t allow myself to do so.
TO: [email protected]
8:24 PM
Subject: Re: Good night
I get it. Just hard to not feel like he’s complacent with me. He was rubbing my neck last night and when I asked him to do it harder, he immediately clammed up and said he didn’t want to hurt me. You’d think I asked for an ass whooping like you give. Lol
I think you need to make me cry. I’ve been close a couple of times, but then I lock up.
It was the closing to the email and then I hit send. I didn’t know how or if he’d respond, but I knew one thing; I wouldn’t be the one to bring it up again. The ball was in his court.
Chapter Twenty-Four
ALL I WANT
HE DIDN’T RESPOND TO the email, not sure if I expected him to or not. I didn’t see him that week, but we still emailed every day. What was hardest for me was having the free time—which wasn’t often—and not being able to see him. Forcing myself to stop obsessing, I cleaned my house and did what any strong woman did. I got shit done.
Later in the week the flir
tatious emails continued; a welcome remedy to my alone time. I knew that he was still fighting illness, but that did nothing to curb my salacious desire for him.
TO: [email protected]
6:24 PM
Subject: Libido ON
Jesus fuck...I hate you... :)
I need my hair pulled, throat held, nipples pinched, ass beat...
DAMMIT!
After the kids were in bed, I was working when he finally responded.
TO: [email protected]
10:10 PM
Subject: Re: Libido ON
Oh no...the Jesus fuck has been invoked...
:)
Giggling, I replied, wondering how I got him to come out and play...with me. I also included a picture with different words on it; Love me, spank me, whip me, hold me, fuck me, kiss me, bite me. And ‘HARDER’ at its center.
TO: [email protected]
10:12 PM
Subject: Re: Libido ON
Lmao. Yup. Game on!
Friend sent me the pic. She knows me well...
It was a couple of hours before he responded. I was in bed and asleep for a couple hours when I woke to a response that he’d sent an hour earlier.
TO: [email protected]
12:39 AM
Subject: Re: Libido ON
Lol. The universal modifier...’HARDER’
I think my lack of libido may be tied to everything leaving an aftertaste like a roll full of dirty pennies.
Heading to bed. Good night! :)
I scanned his email and had to re-read it. Then I started laughing at myself as I replied.
TO: [email protected]
1:36 AM
Subject: Re: Libido ON
Yuck. The metal taste. Of course, I originally read ‘dirty panties’...lol
I crashed at 1130 and just woke up all hot n sweaty. Your fault! I fell asleep thinking about waking with your hand on my hip from Friday morning...and then all the rest...