by Dyan Sheldon
When I got home Mom wanted to know how my date went. I said it was OK. Then she wanted to know what happened to my jeans. She said I looked like I fell in the lake.
I have to try to sleep. I’ve been talking to Nomi for so long my throat’s sore.
Zelda wanted to know what was wrong with my lips. I said they got chapped being out on the lake. Gus smirked at me over her coffee, but instead of annoying me like it usually would, it made me feel kind of grown up. As if I belong to a special club. The Girls Who Are Kissed Club!
I couldn’t believe what a good mood I was in today. Despite my family, thinking I would never have a real date and sleeping in the pantry, I’m usually a pretty happy person. But today I was really happy. I felt like all the good things I could think of had happened at once. I ask you, how can nearly drowning, a few hours of talking, a couple of crabcakes and a crash course in kissing make a person feel like this? I don’t know. I really don’t. But it’s as if I have some amazing secret – like what the meaning of life is or something like that. Something that makes everything really fantastic. Nomi says it’s just endorphins. (Which are peptides, not marine mammals.) She says I could get the same effect running four miles, hanging off a cliff or eating a bag of chillis. (I know which option I’d take.) I said there’s such a thing as being too practical. But nothing could dump on my good mood. Not Gus starting a fight about the orange juice. Not being late for work because Zelda wouldn’t leave the house. Not my hair frizzing up in the humidity. Nothing. Not even when Broccoli Man did that thing where he won’t get out of the car, roll down the window, or speak, but still wants to be served. I didn’t lose my cheery smile for even a second. I pointed to every vegetable individually. And when I had to guess how much Broccoli Man wanted, did I sigh and groan and say I’d had enough and that if he didn’t stop he was going to be banned again? No, I did not. In fact, Green Pick-up Guy commented that I looked like I was singing, even though I was just weighing vegetables. Finally Ely noticed. “What happened?” he asked. “Your sisters move out?” I should be so lucky. I said nothing happened, I was just in a good mood. It’s one thing telling Nomi about Connor, but I don’t want to jinx things by blabbing about him when we’ve only had one date. (Even if it was the best date he ever had.)
And then Connor called me at work today! He said he’d tried to text me and get me on the landline last night to make sure I hadn’t come down with pneumonia after being dumped in the lake, but he couldn’t get through. He thought there was something wrong with my phones. How cute is that? I said I was talking to Nomi and charging my cell. He said I should charge my cell while I’m sleeping so people can get through to me when I’m awake. Then he wanted to know what I was doing right then. I told him I was filling punnets with tomatoes. He has a softball game tonight but he wanted to know if I wanted to do something on Saturday. I said yes. When we hung up Ely was standing there staring at me. I said, “What? Are my pointy ears showing or something?” Ely said, “No, but I think maybe your nose is starting to grow.”
Nomi says it’s unprecedented for a guy to call you the same night you went out with him. She said she heard somewhere that it’s three days minimum because they like to seem cool. I said what, they have a manual? She said yes. I said didn’t I tell you he’s not like most guys? She said, “Yes you did, Hildy. Several times.”
Louie came over after supper. He wanted to know why I missed Movie Club yesterday. It wasn’t like I didn’t tell him I couldn’t make it. I texted him from the Snack Shack. I said I told you, I was busy. Louie said yeah, I got that part. But busy doing what? I didn’t know he was counting, but Louie says I’ve never missed a single Movie Club since we started it. Not even that time I twisted my ankle and couldn’t walk (Louie and Jax carried me over). I said well if you must know, I had a date and it went on longer than I thought it would. Louie didn’t seem to think me having a date was a freak event worthy of fireworks and a commemorative poem. He said that I should’ve brought him with me. As if! I want Connor to get to know me before he gets to know my friends. (I figure meeting somebody’s friends is kind of like looking in their closet or the medicine cabinet. It could put you off in a serious way.) I said, “Oh sure, and then Scorsese corners him in the hall or won’t let him out of the bathroom and you put it on YouTube. That should win me points.” Then we started listing all the other things Scorsese might do. (He wouldn’t really hurt anyone, he’s all bark and growl, but he is a Schnauzer, so he’s fairly insane – he once treed the UPS man and now they won’t deliver to the Masiados any more, not even at Christmas.) When we finally stopped laughing we played Scrabble. Louie left just as this massive thunderstorm started. We stood on the porch for a few minutes watching it, but then we could hear Scorsese and Hitchcock going nuts (they hate thunder), so Louie ran home to calm them down and I went to check on Zelda because she’s afraid of thunderstorms (that and teaspoons, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…) but she was sleeping through this one.
Find myself thinking a lot about Connor. I can’t see any major flaws in him. Smart. Funny. Good looking. Sensitive. Sweet. (Nomi says if you think a person’s totally perfect it’s only because you don’t know them well enough. But Nomi can be immensely cynical for someone who looks as if she must always’ve played the angel in school plays.) So then I was thinking about some of my favourite movies and wondering if Connor likes them too. And what he’d think of the sock-shaped cookie jar I made my mom for Christmas (it’s my best piece so far). Or if he eats duck or okra (which would bring him down by at least half a point from a perfect ten). Stuff like that. It’s weird. I don’t know if all that means I have a major crush on Connor or if I’m just relieved not to be the only one of my girlfriends not seeing anyone. I mean, it could happen. That we’re seeing each other. I know we haven’t had our second date yet, but we’re going to. He said so. So who knows… It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me since the power cut last winter. Maybe pretty soon when someone asks me what I’m doing on the weekend I can say (casual as a pair of slippers), “Oh, I’m going out with my boyfriend.”
OMG, I just realized! Now I have to find something else to wear tomorrow night. No wonder everybody says girls are obsessed with clothes. But I ask you, do we have a choice? No, we do not.
Gus says now might be a good time to stock up on lip balm. I’ve waited seventeen years for Gus to give me some big-sisterly advice, and that’s what it is. Lip balm. Can’t wait to hear what she says after the next seventeen years.
I am going out with the most thoughtful and considerate boy on the Eastern Seaboard (or possibly the entire continent). Connor texted me at work today to remind me that we had a date tonight. (Um, duh. I’m more likely to forget where I live.) And also to tell me that he thought about it a lot and decided tonight’s going to be a Have A Normal Night Out Without Danger Of Drowning Date. (How cute is that?) He thought we could go to the multiplex at the shopping plaza. Nomi says getting in touch two days running and reminding me that we have a date is unprecedented, too. She says the only time Jax has ever reminded her about anything was when she borrowed his black hoodie and he wanted to make sure she returned it. She figures Connor definitely hasn’t read the How To Be A Guy manual. Either that or he just landed from another planet. Maybe he’s really a two-foot tall alien with gold skin, a head like an enormous egg and eyes like swimming holes who can change the course of rivers by moving one finger and read minds. (Would it bother me if he was? Not if he keeps his human form.)
So anyway we were over an hour early for the movie. Connor said he figured he got the time wrong because he couldn’t wait to see me again. (It’s just as well I’m made of flesh and blood and not ice or I would’ve turned into a puddle.) While we waited we went to Chez Danielle, which is meant to be like an outdoor café in Paris (except not outdoors, and not in Paris) for an iced tea (Connor’s gone off coffee since he’s been working at the café – like Uncle Nick went off meat after he worked in an abattoir one summer). We talked so much t
hat we forgot about the movie! We got into some real personal stuff. I told him about my crazy family. How they’re all so full-on and dramatic all the time. He wanted to know if I meant that my parents are actors. I said no my dad’s a mechanic and my mom knits socks. But my mom’s part Greek and part Spanish, and my dad’s Italian, so they have the Mediterranean shouters’ and arm-wavers’ gene pools covered. My parents think having an argument is the same as having a conversation. And even though my sisters are completely different, they’re both it’s-a-one-girl-world types. You know, the universe starts HERE. (And ends HERE, too.) Zelda’s like that because she has a syndrome, and Gus is like that because she is a syndrome. They make everything into a crisis. It doesn’t rain; it’s a monsoon. You don’t have a cold; you have pneumonia. You don’t run out of cereal; you ruin your life. Which is probably why I’m the exact opposite. I’m the calm, steady, quiet, low-maintenance, dependable one. So I’m kind of overlooked most of the time. Connor said NOT BY HIM. (How sweet can you get?) And he told me about his family. They’re not crazy at all. They’re all calm and civilized and reasonable. Connor’s dad’s a lawyer and his mom’s a realtor. They both work a lot, especially his dad. He says he’s never heard them have a fight. Not a real, shaking-the-glasses, hurling-the-nearest-small-object-across-the-room kind of fight. (You can bet Connor’s mother never locked Connor’s father out of the house.) He says they don’t really do emotions. But they’re OK, they’re parents. They have a lot of expectations. And they can be really critical. I said it’s their job to be critical. It’s in their contract. I’ve seen it: Clause 58b. He laughed, but then he said they don’t criticize his brother Cal the way they do him. They think Cal’s perfect. Even though Cal doesn’t live at home any more they still talk about how wonderful he is all the time. It made me feel kind of sad for Connor. (At least my parents know none of their children is perfect.) When he dropped me off he said that was the best date he ever had. I said that’s what you said last time. He said, “Exactly. I can’t wait till the next one.” And the kissing’s already getting way better. I know I have nothing to compare it to, but electricity definitely seems to be involved.
The parents were watching a movie in the living room when I got home. My mom wanted to know how my date was. I said good. She said, “Well, that’s an improvement.” My dad wanted to know when he was going to “meet this young man”. I said he’s not helping you with the deck, if that’s what you think.
Nomi said she figures the only way Jax would miss a movie to talk would be if he ran into a bunch of blues musicians in the mall. He certainly wouldn’t miss one to talk to her. She wanted to know when she’s going to be officially introduced to Mr Coffee. I swear, she sounded like my father. I said you know, I’ve only known him a week. You could give us a chance to see if we’re going to know each other for two weeks before you meet him. She said, “Don’t look now, Hildegard, but you’re entering week number two.” I said I’ll let her know when I think Connor’s ready.
Here’s a historic first: Gus is right. I’m definitely going to need more lip balm.
Went to see Aunt Lonnie and Uncle Grant for the big barbecue today like we do every Fourth of July. The Fourth is usually my best holiday because I get to hang out with my cousins and there’s tons for us to do. (OK, I admit it, I was also kind of looking forward to casually mentioning Connor, since I was the only one over twelve who’d never had a date.) And I get to see my aunts and uncles, who are the best and longest-running sitcom in the history of the world. But this year I was kind of preoccupied. With Connor Bowden – even though he wasn’t there. He was at his family’s barbecue, but his cousins are all a lot younger so he had no one to talk to. He said it could only be more boring if they were all speaking Russian. Connor said that if the Founding Fathers had had any idea that their revolution would lead to him having to hear his Uncle Todd’s lecture on why he should study architecture every Fourth of July, they might have reconsidered separating from England. He said thank God he had me to text or he might lose his mind. Aunt Suze wanted to know who was calling me every two minutes. I said I didn’t know she was timing me. She said, “So who is it, Hildy?” (The D’Angelos have never produced any diplomats and Aunt Suze’s in no danger of ruining that record.) I said it was just a friend. Naturally, as soon as I said “just a friend”, my entire family (including Gran, who is absolutely old enough to know better) shouted, “Hildy has a boyfriend!” Uncle Nick said he hoped this boyfriend was paying my phone bill. Naturally the girls wanted to know all about him, but I was too busy texting back to say much then.
After lunch the men went to play bocce and everybody else went down to the lake, but I stayed up on the deck talking to Connor. So I missed the day’s big drama. According to eyewitness accounts, it was even better than when Uncle Enzo threw his hamburger at Uncle Ed (and then they had an actual fist fight and Gran threw a pitcher of iced tea over them to break it up – it was immense). Our cousin Paola decided Gus was flirting with her boyfriend, and so she pushed Gus in the lake. (Probably we shouldn’t have any family occasions where there’s a body of water involved.) Then Gus charged out of the lake like a really annoyed Loch Ness Monster (description by Zelda D’Angelo) and pulled Paola in. Then Paola tried to drown Gus. It was Del, Paola’s boyfriend, who separated them. They both took a punch at him when they got to dry land. The uncles kept playing their game through all this turmoil (they would only stop if enemy tanks came rolling across the lawn), but the aunts jumped up and down and shrieked and wrung their hands (except my mom, because she was too busy shielding Zelda from being splashed – if any water got on her you would’ve heard some real screaming). Gran said it made her feel young again (I wouldn’t dare ask!). We left after that because it was Paola’s house and she wasn’t going anywhere.
Connor said since it was a holiday we should have A Night Under The Stars tonight. I didn’t see how we could do that when I was in Redbank and he was all the way over in Milton. He said we might be a hundred miles apart but we were looking up at the same stars, weren’t we? (How romantic is that?) So he sat on his grandparents’ deck and I sat near the construction site that’s our deck. It was really cool. Wound up talking for ages. He asked me about all my other boyfriends! He didn’t believe me at first when I said I hadn’t had any. (Because I’m so wonderful!) I told him about my two and a half dates. That made him laugh. So then I said I figured he must’ve had a few girlfriends. He said he’s never had much luck with girls. Until now. The sky was crammed with so many stars it was as if God was trying to see how many He could fit in. It was really romantic. Like we were on an ocean liner together or in a spaceship. I almost felt as if I could reach out and hold his hand. I was floating through the cosmos like a dream. And then I heard a toilet flush. I said, “Where are you, Connor?” He was in the bathroom. I said I thought we were sharing a tender moment gazing at the stars. He said we were. He could see them from the bathroom window.
Connor doesn’t get back till Wednesday night because every summer over the Fourth and on Labor Day weekend he goes fishing with his dad and his grandfather. It’s a Bowden men tradition. They have pioneer ancestors. The fishing meant we were out of communication the whole day. I kept thinking I’d lost my phone.
Lenora’s still banned from the Palacio pool, so Nomi and I went to Cristina’s this afternoon. Asked Cristina if she misses Max a lot. She said not so you’d notice. She talks to him every couple of nights unless they’re all singing songs around the campfire or someone sets off a stink bomb in the bunkhouse or something like that. And anyway if she wants to fight with someone she has her sister. Nomi says Jax’s never gone away long enough for her to miss him. It’s weird. I know I only just met Connor, but not being able to talk to him all day made me feel kind of lonely. Told Nomi when we were walking home. She says I’ll get over it. She says it’s like when you get a new pair of shoes and at first you’re so careful with them you clean them every time you wear them. But soon the only time you clean them is when
you step in muck. I said she’s such a romantic I may start calling her Cupid.
Mr Kitosky’s still away, so we all went bowling tonight, including Grady (I should stop saying stuff like “including Grady”. He’s definitely part of the Mob now). I had them all in stitches over Paola shoving Gus in the lake. (Think how much funnier it would’ve been if I’d actually seen it and didn’t have to rely on what Gran and Zelda told me.) Cristina wanted to know if Gus really was flirting with Paola’s boyfriend. I said, “Only in his dreams.” Believe me, of the two of them, Del isn’t the one who’s stun-gun gorgeous. Besides, I know my sister. She doesn’t go after other people’s boyfriends; she has plenty of her own. There aren’t any cell phones allowed in the alley because a sudden burst of music could throw off someone’s game (which is why Mr Kitosky pushed Mr Ledbetter that time – his phone was playing “I Did It My Way” at top volume), so it wasn’t till I got home that I saw there was a text from Connor. It said: SIX BIG ONES! It took me a minute to realize he meant fish.