by Dyan Sheldon
Told Nomi what Connor said about never knowing anybody like me before. She didn’t understand what a romantic thing that was to say to someone. She got all serious and niggling the way she does. She said she thought we agreed that every person in the world is unique. I said we did. Every person is unique. She said so then whenever you meet someone new, no matter who it is, you’ve never met anyone like that person before. I said what are you, my sister? Can’t you let me be happy for ten minutes? She said she was only saying. I asked her where she thought she was when they were handing out the romance gene. She said she was probably scrubbing out the toilet bowl.
I used to be afraid of kissing. Not afraid exactly but, you know, I didn’t really get it. When you see people doing it in a movie it looks like they’re trying to bend each other’s teeth back. Or maybe shove something into the other person’s mouth without using hands. I figured they throw in the kissing in movies when they can’t think of anything else to do. Boy, was I ever wrong. It’s just boring to watch. And I’m improving in increments of at least 100.
In a state of bliss all day. I have a boyfriend! I not only have a boyfriend, I have a fantastic, immense, awesome, impossibly wonderful boyfriend. How did this happen? Two weeks and two days ago I thought I was going to be the only girl in my class to graduate high school without ever being kissed. Even worse, I was looking at a future of frozen dinners for one and a lot of pets. And now look at me! It’s incredible how happy a person can be.
Nomi says you can’t base your personal happiness on someone else. It has to come from within. Sometimes I want to put her in a plane that’s going to somewhere really far away.
Farmer John said business was definitely up when Ely dressed as the Vegetable Avenger. He wants Ely to do it again. Not every day but maybe once a week. So it’s something people talk about and look forward to. And tell their friends about. Ely wants me to do it with him. He has it all figured out. I just have to wear something green and glue some paper leaves onto a swimming cap and I’ll be the Vegetable Avenger’s trusty sidekick, Lethal Lettuce. I said I’ll think about it.
Connor’s started texting me every hour or so. Just hi or thnkng bout u or i really hate coffee or boy do I wish u wr hr. And sometimes he calls when he’s on his break. Especially if something funny happened. Every time my phone went, Ely said, “Geewillikers, I wonder who that could be.”
Maggie’s mom stopped by the stand today for tomatoes. And just happened to mention that she just happened to hear that I’m seeing someone. That’s exactly what she said, with a big smile: “So, Hildy, I hear you’re seeing someone.” (Oh, those jungle drums, they just never stop, do they? Day and night. Night and day. Boomboomboomboomboom.) But I wasn’t really annoyed. I was kind of pleased to be honest. I don’t usually do things people talk about. (Except stuff like the time I threw up in the middle of the third-grade Christmas play. Which wasn’t something I did really. It was something that happened.) I joked with Ely that maybe I should take an ad out in the Redbank Observer, you know, in case there’s anybody in town who hasn’t heard about me and Connor. Ely said I can save my money – he’s already posted it on Facebook. (If I didn’t know he hates Facebook, I would’ve thrown a tomato at him.) He wanted to know why Connor texts me so much. Ely says it’s as if he doesn’t want me to be by myself. I said Connor just likes to keep in touch, that’s all. Ely said he likes plums but he doesn’t eat one every ten minutes.
Broccoli Man called the stand to say that he couldn’t leave the house but he needed some things. This happens once a month or so. (I think of it as the stand’s period: annoying, inconvenient, but just the way things work.) Sometimes he can’t leave home because there are too many people outside or “the numbers are wrong”. Sometimes it’s because THEY are waiting for him or he doesn’t like the weather. I didn’t ask. There’s such a thing as too much information. So Ely gave me a ride home and we dropped off Broccoli Man’s order (12 oz string beans, 15 oz potatoes, 18 oz tomatoes, 18 oz squash, two bunches of spinach, one head of lettuce, not iceberg, whatever you do!). I had to go around the back and put everything through the cat flap. Then he passed out the money. You have to wonder what his neighbours think. Ely said they probably think he’s nuts.
More trauma and drama at Casa D’Angelo. The washing machine broke again. (It’s as if we live on a tape loop.) My mother said it was my father’s fault because he’s too cheap to buy a new one. My father said it was working dandy as candy after he fixed it last time it broke and that he suspects outside interference. That means one of us. Escaped to the Masiado’s to help Louie with the Anniversary Waltz. (That’s what he’s decided to call the Love and Lawnmowing movie about his folks.) Personally, I think it should be called the Anniversary Tango. The waltz is very formal and orderly, which the Masiados aren’t. Almost every clip has them waving their arms around and yelling. (No wonder Louie feels so at home with my family, right?) So far my favourite scene is when Mr Masiado is teaching Louie’s mom to drive. She backed out of the driveway and straight into the garbage can. Even though there isn’t any sound, I swear you can hear Mr Masiado shouting.
Louie said he heard I’m officially going out with What’s-his-name. I said it’s Connor. And it’s only semi-official. He said so are we going to meet him this week? Are you coming on Thursday? I said I’d talk to Connor and let him know. Louie said that made it sound pretty official to him.
When I got home there was a small, purple dinosaur (a Brachiosaurus if I’m not mistaken) hanging from the kitchen light by a string. So Dad found out why the washing machine broke again.
And three messages from Connor! Nomi wants to know why he texts me so much. I said because he’s unprecedented. She said he’s more like a haunting.
Blue Eyeshadow Lady wanted to know who the handsome young man is that she saw me with the other night. So I got to say it out loud for the first time! “He’s my boyfriend.” Just saying it made me feel like my heart was going to pop. She said we make a really cute couple! (How awesome is that?) Then the Countess came for her five-a-day. She said she’d heard I have a beau. She said there’s nothing like young love. Ely said, “Unless you’re like Romeo and Juliet and it all ends in tears.” The Countess said, “Oh it all ends in tears anyway.” I didn’t like to ask.
Connor wanted to know why we call him Broccoli Man. I told him Farmer John named him. He’d come to the stand a few times after he’d been banned from the two big supermarkets and the wholefood store over in Calder, but he’d been OK. We thought he was normal. Well, pretty normal. And then one day he came by for broccoli and we didn’t have any. He clamped his hands to his ears and started rocking back and forth, chanting, “No! No! No!” He refused to leave. Ely had to go to the store and buy a head of broccoli and sneak it in. And then I explained that Blue Eyeshadow Lady always wears a lot of blue eyeshadow. And Green Pick-up Guy drives a green pick-up. And the Countess isn’t really a countess but when she first came to the stand she always wore a tiara. (Now she just wears it on special occasions.) Connor said he was almost sorry he asked.
We’re missing Movie Club again. Louie’s not going to be happy. Connor says it’s enough to be coming to supper with my family on Friday without having to deal with meeting all my friends in the same week. He’s only human. We’re going to have a Watching The Sun Set Night and chill instead.
Dad’s making Zelda help him with the deck as punishment for the washing machine. He’ll be sorry.
The Brachiosaurus is still hanging over the kitchen table.
The sunset-watching was so immense! (I have seen the sun go down before, but not like this!) We walked up the beach till we were completely alone (except for the gulls and the bugs). We sat with our arms around each other, not talking, just being there in the moment (like yoga but without the exertion or the incense). I don’t think I’ve ever just sat and watched the sun set before like I was watching a movie. It was mystical. Really. (Connor says a sunrise is even better. It’s like watching the earth being born
.) We made a wish on the first star. I wouldn’t tell him what I wished for because then it wouldn’t come true. Connor said he already got his wish. And then he kissed me! (If I’d been standing up I probably would’ve fallen over.)
Connor was worried about what he should bring to supper tomorrow. I said, “You.” He said you can’t go to someone’s house without bringing something. (How sweet is that?) Does my mother like flowers? Do my parents drink wine? His dad has a wine cellar, so he could bring a bottle of wine. I’ve never known anybody who has a wine cellar before. He said it’s more like a rack, but it’s a big one. Then he thought maybe he should bring something for Zelda. He wanted to know what she’s into. I said, “Trouble”. He said, “No really, Hildy. Drawing? Dancing? Computer games?” Zel’s actually really good at drawing, but she already has enough crayons, pencils and paints to start her own class. Then he wanted to know about my other sister. What’s Gus into? I said she’s incredibly fond of boys. Connor said it’s too bad his brother’s in Beijing right now or he could bring him.
I’ve never felt like this before. Like I’m really special. I figure it’s kind of like winning one of those talent shows or an Oscar or something. Or being a princess. Nomi doesn’t get it. (Now there’s a surprise. Let me pick myself up off the floor.) She says that if you think about it, feeling special because somebody says you’re great is no different to feeling lousy because someone tells you you’re stupid or your eyebrows are too thick or whatever. Winning a talent show doesn’t make you special, and some dork telling you that you’re disgusting doesn’t make you a horrible person. (Is she too much or what?) I said, “I don’t think you were cleaning the toilet when they were handing out the romance gene, Nome. I think you were cleaning out those big stables in Greek mythology. You know, like Hercules.” Nomi said, “You mean Augean Stables.” I said, “Probably with a toothbrush.”
Already put Mike on red alert for next week in case there’s another game on Thursday, but now Connor says it’s going to be Wednesday. Which means we can go to Movie Club!
I couldn’t get to sleep for hours last night. I kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong with Dinner with the D’Angelos tonight. Like my mother makes something so spicy that everybody starts sweating and at least one person nearly chokes to death (probably Connor). Or Gus stays home just to annoy me and tells him about the time I got stuck on the roof. Or Zelda throws something at him (and possibly blinds him for life). Or my father calls him by somebody else’s name. Multitudes of things (all of which have happened, of course – I don’t have the imagination to make this stuff up). People always say that your family is there for you when other people aren’t. But if you ask me that’s probably because once they’ve met your family other people all run for safety. My only consolation was that Gran wouldn’t be here. Everything my dad knows about embarrassing his children he learned from her. And besides that, she thinks because she’s old she can do and say what she wants. She says it’s the advantage of age. It liberates you from having to be polite and follow the rules. And as we all know, she’s not just whistling “Dixie” here. This is a woman who knows no shame. Let’s not forget her one-woman sit-in at the bank. Anyway, when I finally did fall asleep I dreamed that I was locked out of the house in my underwear. Zelda was inside but she wouldn’t open the door because she didn’t feel like it. Woke up late and worried. Fortunately my Sidekick-of-the-Vegetable-Avenger costume (green footless tights, green skirt, green T-shirt) was all ready. Zelda made the hat (she really is very artistic) but the leaves are variegated because she doesn’t like plain green lettuce.
Couldn’t concentrate on anything today. Just thinking about supper rolling towards me like a runaway train. (Fortunately when you’re dressed as a head of lettuce it distracts people from the fact that you can’t count, can’t bag and can’t remember the price of anything.)
Connor arrived exactly on time with flowers and wine for my parents. They were really impressed. It’s not something they’re used to. (The only thing they ever got from any of Gus’s boyfriends was a broken mailbox.) Not only did my dad shake Connor’s hand and my mom thank him about six times, but when he gave Zelda a box of crayons you can use on fabric to make your own T-shirts and stuff, they both said, “Oh, isn’t that nice. What a terrific present.” (And not, “Are you out of your mind? It’s like giving a loaded gun to a chimp.” Which is what they would’ve said if I gave it to her.) Zelda was thrilled and begged Connor to sit next to her. (She was so well behaved you would’ve thought she was somebody else.) I was really nervous at first, naturally, but we got through the meal without one tiny scene of any kind. (There are such things as miracles!) We had pasta (no chillis) which Connor said was delicious, Zelda didn’t throw anything at anybody, Gus wasn’t there, and my father called Connor by the right name every time. Connor listened to my mom talk about socks as if all his life he’d hoped that some day he’d meet someone who knits mismatched socks out of recycled cotton. He asked my dad about the garage and told him all about his car breaking down the other day and even asked him some real questions about pistons and carburettors (which made my dad’s day, since the rest of us would only recognize a piston if it was wearing a name tag). He had Zelda show him a few hundred of her pictures and cartoons, and then he gave her a lesson in how to draw a dragon (which made her day, since the rest of us ignore her as much as we can). He wanted to know why there’s a purple dinosaur hanging from the light over the table, and when my mom said to teach the other dinosaurs a lesson, he said now he knew where I get my sense of humour from. Connor thinks I have a great sense of humour. I think he’s a great kisser. He said I’m not so bad myself. (Practice really does make perfect!)
He called me when he got home to say goodnight and to ask me to thank my parents again for having him over. I said he could ease off the clutch, they’d already said what good manners he has. So now if someone tells them he’s really the leader of a motorcycle gang and carries a knife in his boot they’ll never believe it. He said they made a good impression on him too. Maybe there is something to Nomi’s theory that if you think somebody’s OK it’s because you don’t know them well enough. (Except for Connor, of course.)
Connor’s folks are going out tomorrow night, so we can sit out on the deck and look at the stars together for real this time. (That is really sweet!)
Called Nomi to tell her how Dinner with the D’Angelos went. She couldn’t believe there wasn’t a single argument, tantrum or slamming door all evening. (She’s had dinner here.) I said me too. I was amazed nobody called the cops because it was so quiet they thought something horrible must’ve happened to us.
Had a message from Connor when I turned on my phone this morning: Gd mrng! cn’t w8 2 c u 2nite! (How cute is that?) Texted back: Me 2! My mom wanted to know why he texts me so much. I said, “You know…” She said she doesn’t. She said it would drive her crazy if my father didn’t give her any space. I said Connor gives me space. She said, “But he always seems to be in it.” Went to pottery. It’s been two weeks! I felt like I’d just got back from a long trip. Which I guess I have if you think about it. I’ve been in Connor Country, having such a good time that I never missed home. Until I walked into the studio. Everybody was really happy to see me. Mrs Chimurro said that they figured either I was sick or I’d been given an apprenticeship with a Japanese master and had abandoned them. So I told them that I’d started seeing someone and everything had got kind of caught up. They all said it was about time! (Romance lives in Mrs Chimurro’s Saturday class. Probably because Nomi Slevka isn’t in it.)
Cristina, Nomi, Maggie and I finally got a game of tennis in this afternoon. We started out being really serious as if we were playing at the Open or something, but eventually that all fell apart and we played like we usually do. Like the Marx brothers. It was hilarious. Nomi said the only thing that could’ve made it funnier was if Zelda’d come as ball girl (instead of putting the balls in the bucket she throws them at you). Went over to Cristina’s
for a swim after that. Mrs Palacio was going to the mall so I figured I could get a ride with her and meet Connor so he didn’t have to come all the way to my house to pick me up. Then the others decided to come too, naturally. Connor says we’re like wolves – we only run in packs. I said we’re more like sheep. We don’t go far and we stop a lot to eat.
Connor and I sat on the deck and gazed at the stars and kissed and gazed at the stars and kissed and gazed at the stars and talked and talked and then we kissed some more. Now I know what people mean when they say they feel like they’re floating on a cloud. Nomi says you can get the same result from meditation. I said but I bet it’s not as much fun.
Nomi’s having everybody over tomorrow night. We’re going to start up the fire pit. It’s kind of like camping, only you get to go home and sleep in your own bed. Anyway, Connor can’t make it. I told him that it didn’t matter because he can meet everybody at Movie Club on Thursday. He said he’s an idiot. He forgot about Movie Club. There’s a game on Thursday. I said I thought the game was on Wednesday after work. He said it’s been changed to Thursday afternoon. Then we’re all going for pizza. He kept saying how sorry he was that he hadn’t told me. He said, “Do you forgive me, babe?” Babe! I said there was nothing to forgive.
Mike says she knows it makes her life more exciting, but she can’t stand the suspense of not knowing which shift she’ll be doing from one week to the next. She likes to be able to plan ahead. So we’ve swapped days and now I do Saturdays instead of Thursdays. My mom wasn’t exactly overjoyed when I told her. She said, “I thought this was only temporary.” I said it was. She said, “And pottery? What about that? You’ve already paid for the summer.” I said I’d figure something out.