by Dyan Sheldon
I don’t remember any bad dreams, but I woke up in a pensive mood. It makes me really sad that I cause Connor so much suffering. I don’t mean to. I want to make him happy. But it doesn’t look like I know how. I guess I never realized how much there is to learn about guys. They really should come with a manual. Like a computer. Boyfriends for Beginners. Dating for Dummies. Or they should share the one they all use. I feel like I’m on a learning curve that’s steeper than the Andes. Relationships are about a million times trickier than I thought. I guess I always figured you met somebody, and you liked him and he liked you, and you thought he was cute and he thought you were cute, and the same things made you laugh or you shared a passion for skeet shooting, stuff like that, and so you got together. Of course you’d have arguments and differences. I haven’t spent my life with Vinny and Luisa, the Duelling D’Angelos, not to know that. You’re not always going to see eye-to-eye with anybody. Even twins must disagree sometimes. Never mind people from different homes and sexes. You expect that. But nobody warned me about how much misunderstanding and hurt there can be. Just incidentally. Because you’re breathing or tend to keep your eyes open when you’re awake. Don’t other people have these problems or are they just not talking about them? My gran says that when she was a kid no one ever talked about sex. There was a big conspiracy of silence. She even remembers when she was little being told that the stork brings babies. The stork! A bird? A bird brings human babies? How is that supposed to work? Gran says people thought that if you didn’t know anything about sex, you wouldn’t do it. Is it something like that with relationships? That people don’t talk about how hard they are because they think that if you knew the truth you would never want to have one? But maybe it all depends on how much you love each other. Like Nomi and Jax. They like each other, but I don’t think they’re in love. I mean, a lot of Nomi’s friends are boys but I’ve never seen Jax act like if she laughed with Louie or punched Grady somebody was hacking at his heart with a meat cleaver. But Connor and I are in love. He said that if anything happened to me he wouldn’t want to go on living. I don’t want to make him suffer or anything but that’s pretty romantic, isn’t it? We must really be in love.
The Countess stopped by the stand today. She said seeing me dancing on the silver clouds of love reminded her of her youth. (Didn’t say it seemed more like the rusty trampoline of love to me right now.) She had her wedding photos to show me in this big old album with wedding bells on the cover (in silver, like the clouds). She mentions her husband a lot (his name was Larry and he sold carpets) but I’d never seen a picture of him before. Larry was kind of geeky-looking, even in his tux (the short, skinny, glasses type who you guess is good at math but who probably isn’t). But the Countess – who now looks like a regular old lady except for the plum-coloured hair and the occasional tiara – was genuine drop-in-your-tracks gorgeous. Like Gus. Even Ely said so. He said she must’ve bruised a few hearts. The Countess said, “Yes, I had my admirers.” Men used to follow her down the street. She had songs and poems written about her and posed for two famous artists. I said Larry must’ve had a hard time with that. She said he wasn’t the one who had to stand for hours in a cold studio wearing only a slip. I said no, I meant he must’ve been jealous with all those other guys after her. She said no. She said, “We loved each other the way a bird loves the sky. What did he have to be jealous about?”
The Slashers have another game tomorrow so Connor took me to the Firemens’ Fair over in Little Hollow tonight. He called it Just Like When We Were Little Night! And it was! I haven’t been to a fair like that since I was twelve and was sick on the roller coaster. We had hot dogs and corn on the cob. We tossed coins and picked numbers and threw hoops and I walked into a guy rope and spilled my soda. (Connor says I’m the most accident-prone girl he’s ever known. I nearly said I didn’t use to be.) We had a bad moment when he wanted to borrow my phone to take our picture because his battery was really low. Naturally, I didn’t have my cell with me. I know it’s silly and mean but I really don’t like him checking my contacts and texts and stuff so it’s easier just not to bring it when I’m with him. I said I forgot it. He said, “Again?” He said I’m always forgetting my phone. Somehow he didn’t make it sound like that was because I have the memory of a goldfish. He made it sound like there was some deep, dark reason for it. I said it’s only that I don’t need it when I’m with you. He said are you sure that’s why? You sure it’s not because you’re afraid of who might call you? I said you mean my mother? That made him laugh. Crisis averted. (Even if I’m not really sure what the crisis would have been about.) And then Connor actually won something playing darts. He said if you could call it winning. It’s this doll that looks like it would kill all your other dolls if you left her alone with them. We couldn’t stop laughing about her. We went on all the cool, scary rides and held onto each other and screamed. It was immense! We left the doll on the Cyclone. All the way home Connor kept teasing me that the doll was following us. I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun. It was much better than when we were little.
Nomi asked me to go shopping for school stuff with her today. Mainly I said yes because I wanted to get something for the Masiados for their anniversary since I never finished the mugs (they can be their Christmas present). But even though I knew Connor was over in Farley playing ball it made me jiggy being in the mall. I was worried I might run into somebody who knows him. Just because I haven’t met most of his friends doesn’t mean they wouldn’t recognize me from his Facebook page. He has tons of pictures of me and us on it. I kept waiting for someone to suddenly loom in front of me saying, “Aren’t you Connor Bowden’s girlfriend?” I couldn’t say no if they did. In case he found out. And I couldn’t very well ask whoever it was not to tell him they saw me. How weird would that sound? Especially with Nomi next to me. It’s not the kind of thing she’d be likely to ignore. So I was a little preoccupied. If I thought I saw someone looking over at me I’d step behind Nomi. “Good grief, Hildegard!” she snapped. “I can feel your hot breath on my neck.” Or I’d stepped on her heel. Or I was going to knock her over. When I saw a girl coming towards me smiling like she was going to say, Aren’t you Hildy D’Angelo? I’m a friend of Connor’s! I ducked into a changing room. It took about two seconds before Nomi was shouting, “Hildy! Hildy!” loud enough to call the hogs. “I’m here,” I hissed. She stuck her head around the corner of the entrance. “Now what are you doing? You don’t even have anything to try on!” And then (naturally) I saw Mrs Bowden! I mean, who else? I don’t know why she wasn’t at work. Like she should’ve been. She was talking to a saleswoman. The saleswoman was nodding. And then she raised her hand and pointed at Nomi. Not really at Nomi – in Nomi’s direction. Panic jumped me like a monkey. (Yes, again. Guilt and panic, my new good buddies.) There wasn’t much I could do short of being beamed up or throwing myself on the floor. So I stuck my head in a rack of raincoats. I don’t know how long I stayed like that but eventually Nomi’s face appeared on the other side. She wanted to know if there was any point in asking what I was doing. I said I was looking at something. She said if the something I was looking at had anything to do with the blonde woman who looked a little like Meryl Streep, she was gone. I said of course it didn’t and stepped back. Then Nomi wanted to know what was wrong with me. I said, “Nothing.” She said I was skitterier than a cat on the Fourth of July. I said I didn’t know what she meant. She said that she meant I was acting like I expected a hundred firecrackers to go off any minute. I said she was imagining things. I was as calm as a tree. She said oh really? Was she imagining that I just tried to hide in a bunch of trench coats? And was she imagining me running into the changing room? Ducking behind her? Breathing down her neck? I said she was misinterpreting. She said and anyway, she didn’t just mean now. Was she imagining what happened at the beach? Was she imagining that she found me taking a picture of myself in her hall closet the other night? How did she misinterpret that? I groaned so loudly a couple of people lo
oked over at us. But really. How many times do I have to explain about the pictures? “Because he wants to feel like he’s with you?” She made it sound really dumb, like I’d said I think the world’s flat and made out of pancake batter. How was a picture of me leaning against a box of Christmas decorations going to make him feel like he was with me? He wasn’t with me. He couldn’t have squeezed into the closet beside me even if he was. He would’ve been knocked out cold by an avalanche of old hats and boots if he’d tried. I said I would never expect her to understand. Maybe it’s because of her feminist genes, but she really has about as much romance in her as a can of creamed corn. I said whereas Connor pretty much has the soul of a poet. And then I made the mistake of telling her how he just showed up at my gran’s on Monday because he was worried about me. She said and you think that’s romantic? I said well what do you think it is? Nomi said, “Creepy. It’s like he’s a private detective, not a boyfriend.” She said she’s amazed he hasn’t thought of having me electronically tagged. Then he’d know where I was every minute of the day. Nomi said, “Or maybe that’s going to be your back-to-school present.” I said I don’t think she really gets love. Not love like Connor feels. She looked like I was trying to sell her a bottle of water from the Fountain of Youth. Nomi said, “So explain it to me.” I said true love is all-consuming. Connor wants to be with me and to know what I’m doing and thinking every minute of the day. I’m always on his mind. And when we’re not together he worries about what’s happening to me and what could happen to me and what I’m doing or what I could be doing. That’s why he needs to be reassured all the time. Nomi said somebody was confusing love with a fascist dictatorship.
Day 18! Connor says he feels like time has jumped a jet. He must’ve texted me two dozen times today. Just because he could. Once we’re back in school it’ll be a couple first thing in the morning and maybe a couple at lunch and then that’ll be it till the end of the day, because once more we’ll be the prisoners of bureaucratic rules. Ely’s given up making snide comments but he did take my phone when I left it on the counter to wait on someone and started juggling it with a couple of summer squash. To show you just how weird people are, even me, I had a second when I almost wished he’d drop it.
Didn’t dress as Lethal Lettuce today because tonight was Moonlight Walk On The Lake Shore and then crabcakes at the Snack Shack (it’ll be closing next weekend till the spring and it is OUR place) and Connor was picking me up from work. He doesn’t like me in leaves. Ely wanted to know why I wasn’t in costume. I said there was a major meltdown at Casa D’Angelo this morning and I totally forgot. Nose nudging towards Australia. But then Ely said but we’re still doing the filming on Sunday, right? This Sunday? That I really had forgotten. Anyway because I was taken by surprise, and because I felt guilty that I was already lying, I said of course. I’m praying hard for rain. Connor said he was glad to see I’d stopped wearing that stupid costume. I said me too. Nose edging towards western tip of Indonesia.
The moonlight walk was awesome. Romantic. Magical. We saw bats. And heard an owl. And kept stopping to kiss. Connor stumbled a couple of times because it was pretty dark and it isn’t like there’s a sidewalk, but since I’m used to not being able to see where I’m going I did OK. There were a few minutes of terror and anxiety when we thought we saw a bear. Rustling leaves. Large dark shape in the water. (Connor pushed me behind him! How cool is that? I wonder if Jax would do that for Nomi?) Only it turned out to be a St Bernard named Arnold. And to continue our perfect evening, the Snack Shack wasn’t too crowded tonight. And everybody was a couple! It was bliss.
Tonight we had our first double date! It was with Albie and the girl he’s started seeing whose name is Genie (yes, that’s really how she spells it). It made me feel really grown-up, double-dating. Especially since this was only Albie and Genie’s third date, so Connor and I were like an old married couple practically. I knew he’d get extra pepperoni on his pizza. He knew I’d want a slice of lemon in my cola. We had stories of stuff we’d done together to tell them (including how he nearly drowned me on our first date and how I walked into the guy rope at the fair and soaked that poor woman in lemonade). Stuff like that. We were the laughingest table in the restaurant. And the really great thing was I didn’t have to worry about being bored or looking like I was staring at Albie or anything like that, and ruining the evening, because he and Connor talked about tomorrow’s play-off while Genie and I talked about movies and sisters (she has two, too). When he took me home Connor asked what I’m doing tomorrow while he’s running around a dusty field. I said I’m going over to my grandmother’s. He said was I planning to forget my phone? I said yes, because last time she took it away from me.
One and a half lies. Nose resting on Madagascar. Guilt squeezing my heart.
What a day! I suppose I could’ve gotten sick or something and refused to do the filming, but just to prove how difficult people can be – even your very own self – part of me actually wanted to go. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong. You know, sneaking off to see another boy. I was sneaking off to spend the day with a carrot. So why should I sit at home letting Zelda beat me at checkers or whatever when I could be doing constructive street theatre and having fun? And anyway I’m getting used to feeling guilty. And I’m getting pretty used to being devious too. I didn’t want the D’Angelos to see me leaving with Louie (and dressed as a head of lettuce) in case they said something to Connor, so I told Louie to pick me up at my gran’s because I had to go over to her house first thing. Of course, I didn’t want my gran seeing me (dressed as a head of lettuce) leaving with Louie either because she might say something to my parents. So I put my costume on in that little copse up the road from Gran’s and then I waited for Louie on her corner, standing on the road side of the Langtree Bakery truck so if she looked out of her window or went out on her lawn she wouldn’t see me. Mr Langtree saw me but he didn’t recognize me. He wanted to know what I thought I was doing. I said I thought I was waiting for my friend. He said to act like a lettuce and leave. So I started walking in the direction I hoped Louie was coming from. A couple of people came out on their porches to watch me, and the chocolate Lab from the house with the bathtub in the front yard started following me. I was just wishing I’d brought my phone so I could see where Louie was when he pulled up beside me. He leaned out of the window and shouted, “Going my way?” Big morning for comedians.
It must be really awful to be a fugitive whose life is nothing but one long lie and complicated deception. If you’re hiding from the FBI or the Mafia or something like that. Even if you change your name and move to another town or another country, what good does it do you? Every time there’s a knock on the door your heart must go into toxic shock. Every time you turn a corner or an aisle in the supermarket you must hold your breath. Just in case. Just in case the person on the other side of the door is a special investigator or a hit man. Just in case the person reading the ingredients on a box of cereal is someone who knows who you really are and is about to start screaming like that woman in Marathon Man when she sees the Nazi torturer strolling through Midtown Manhattan looking like a businessman on his lunch hour. Just in case the person at the door or around that corner is your boyfriend. So even though we were MILES from where Connor’s game was, I was a wreck for the first couple of hours. My heart did that freezing-like-a-deer-in-headlights thing every time I saw a red car or a boy wearing a green baseball cap. And I did a lot of jumping into doorways and behind trucks. (It’s pretty epic how popular red cars and green baseball caps are in Apple Creek.) There must’ve been a really big sale on them a while ago. Ely didn’t seem to notice how jiggy I was. But Louie kept giving me looks. When Ely went to get some water Louie wanted to know what was wrong with me. He said I was like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I said he was letting his imagination carry him over the farthest hill and into a magical land of illusion as usual. I just wasn’t used to being in the middle of a town dressed as a lettuce. Eventual
ly, when none of the cars or caps turned out to be attached to Connor, I relaxed a little. I wouldn’t say I had as much fun as Mrs Claws does with a crumpled ball of paper, but I had patches when I enjoyed myself so much I forgot about him for minutes at a time. And I relaxed so much that when Louie asked if he was driving me home or if I wanted to be dropped off in some stranger’s driveway I said of course I wanted him to drive me home. But I slouched down in my seat. Louie said, “You know, if you want you can ride in the trunk and I’ll let you out when we get there.” I said I had no idea what he was talking about. I was just tired. But I was pretty glad when we pulled into Lebanon Road. I’d done it! My nose might be moving into the Middle East but I’d spent the day with Louie and Ely, and Connor hadn’t found out. That bubble of relief lasted for as long as it took me to get out of the car and walk up to the house. Because the second I stepped through the door, Zelda said Grandma wanted me to call her. Right away. I said, “Grandma? Grandma called me?” I had a really bad feeling. Up until then the President of the United States had called me as many times as my grandmother. And he never sounded urgent. I phoned her right back. Gran said she figured I’d want to know that Connor had called her about half an hour ago wanting to talk to me. You know, because I told him that was where I’d be. OHMYGOD. My life was over. My dreams were ashes blown out to a cold and unforgiving sea. I was going to have to join some cloistered religious order and devote my life to good works to make up for all the hurt I caused. And then my gran said, “I told him you’d just left.” I said you did? She said, “I trust you even if other people don’t.” If she hadn’t been on the other end of a piece of plastic I would’ve kissed her. Vicki D’Angelo, World’s Number One Grandmother.