by Sawyer Caine
“Holy Mary, Mother of God!” Frederick gasped, crossing himself.
I could find no words to say. It was that terrifying to behold. Nekai turned back to Nekana and called her name. She went to him, rather reluctantly, then he took her hand and together they stepped out onto the softly swaying bridge. He took her across the wide river one step at a time, and when she was safety on the other side, he returned for Frederick.
My love was planted firmly on the ground and shook his head at Nekai. He was trembling and unable to move. I set my pack down and placed my hands on either side of Frederick’s face, not caring what Paulo might think. I pressed my forehead against Frederick’s just as I’d seen Nekana do to Nekai.
“My love, we must cross. You saw that it’s safe. Nekai won’t let anything happen to you. You must do it for me, for us. Hold to him and keep your eyes on the far bank. Don’t look down. Come, now. You must do this,” I encouraged.
Frederick swallowed hard then glanced up at me. I stepped back from him as he shouldered his pack and reached out for Nekai’s hand. Frederick was petrified. I so wanted to be the one leading him, but I knew we must only go two at a time. I was dreadfully worried about Nekai and Paulo leading the heavy mules across, but we had no alternative. I watched as Frederick followed after Nekai. My love’s whole body trembled, and he clutched at Nekai’s hand and the rope railings on either side of him as he was led through the rising mists and to the other shore.
I didn’t notice that I’d been holding my breath until I saw Frederick step onto the ground on the other side. He dropped to his knees and lowered his head. I could barely see him on that far shore, but I watched as Nekai knelt down beside him and seemed to be trying to give comfort. Nekana came to him as well and got him up on his feet. They stood together as Nekai made the journey back across the bridge to fetch me.
I hadn’t realized how frightened I was for myself until the gravity of the situation descended upon me. I reached for Nekai’s hand with no hesitation, not wishing to seem as fearful as Frederick had obviously been. I relished the feel of that strong hand around mine, pulling on me, leading me. He was warm, so warm. I refused to look down, so I looked up at him instead as he moved across the bridge in front of me. I felt the cool mists as they surrounded us, heard the water flowing beneath us in strong rapids, tasted the dampness in the air, and felt the breeze that moved the bridge. It was a strange, surreal moment, and I knew that I would remember it for the rest of my life.
When my feet touched ground again, I could easily understand why Frederick had dropped to the earth. I was tempted to do much the same but I went directly to my love who was sitting on a fallen tree, his face still pale and his mouth in a tight line.
“You did it, Frederick. I’m so proud of you for overcoming your fears,” I said, smiling down at him.
“I feel as if I’m going to be sick. Poor Nekai, having to go back and forth over that damn thing. How can he do it? Does he fear nothing?” Frederick cried.
“He doesn’t think about fear. He does what he knows he must do. He has no choice,” Nekana answered as she stepped away from us and toward the end of the bridge. She was clearly nervous, and I knew why.
Nekai had reached the other side, and he was sending Paulo over with the smaller mule. Nekai would come behind with the larger animal. Paulo stepped forward onto the bridge and had a bit of a struggle with the animal as it didn’t want to go. Nekai came up to help him, and they appeared to be placing something around the animal’s head. I turned to Nekana to ask her what was happening, but she answered before I could ask.
“They have to cover the mule’s eyes. The animals won’t go across the bridge unless they can’t see the water. Paulo must have forgotten.”
I was on pins and needles as I watched big, strong Paulo dragging his little mule across the swaying, lurching bridge, the ropes groaning and the old boards creaking under the added weight. We all held our breaths as he made his way slowly across. When he finally stepped off the bridge, dragging the mule with him, he was as relieved as all of us. But we could only breathe for a moment.
Nekai had started to make his crossing with the larger of the animals. Though he’d covered its head, the animal was still reluctant to follow him and tried to jerk away. He had to stop and gentle it with his hands on its neck before the beast would quiet and allow itself to be led. I let out a ragged breath and grasped Frederick’s hand. It was sweaty and clammy. When I looked up at him, his eyes were trained on Nekai and his expression one of deep concern and fear. Nekana and Paulo looked much the same.
Watching him making that final crossing was dreadful, and I cursed myself for bringing so much baggage with us. What if the ropes broke? What if they couldn’t hold up under all that weight and the boards snapped? Nekai would fall into the rapids below. I shook my head to dispel that visual and gripped Frederick’s hand tighter. Nekana took a few fearful steps toward the bridge and gasped in fright.
I jerked my head up to see what had upset her. The damned mule was fighting Nekai again. The beast was struggling and trying to throw off the cloth Nekai had tied around its head. He was giving it all his worth to keep the animal from throwing them both off the bridge.
“Nekai!” Nekana screamed. Paulo moved forward, pulling her back lest she run onto the bridge and add more weight to the straining structure.
I could hear the ropes groaning and the unmistakable snapping of some of the boards as Nekai fought with the stubborn animal. I prayed silently to whatever God would listen to me to please let them make it across. Paulo looked toward Frederick and me and then back at Nekai.
“Alfred,” he called and motioned to me. “You are the lighter of the two of us. You must go and try to help him. If you don’t, that mule will continue to fight, and he’ll be thrown into the river.”
I stared at Paulo in utter shock. He could speak fluent English. I knew the look on my face betrayed my stupefaction, but I had no time to say further or to ask any questions. I had to go and help Nekai. I didn’t hesitate for a moment. As I reached for the ropes on the bridge, Frederick’s hand closed over my shoulder.
“Don’t!” he hissed between clenched teeth, his face set, his eyes raging with unchecked fear and anger. “Don’t you dare go out on that damn thing!” he shouted.
“Frederick, I must. He’ll be killed…” I began.
Paulo reached for Frederick, pulling him back and Nekana put her hand on his arm and tried to comfort him. I turned my back on the three of them and let out a shaking breath as I tried to steady my legs and my nerves. I stepped out onto the heavily swaying bridge and tried to keep my balance as it moved beneath me. Step by step, I forced myself to move toward him as he struggled with the animal. I continued to pray silently and tried to keep my breathing level and steady.
I felt the boards and ropes creaking beneath me. I knew too much weight was on the bridge, but I refused to give in to that rational fear. I reached him and took hold of the rope, lending my strength to his. When he saw that I held the rope as well, he released it and placed both his hands on the animal’s head, speaking soft words in his language to it. After a moment, it stilled, and I pulled softly on the rope, leading it across as Nekai continued to pet it and talk quietly to it.
Across the bridge we went together, step by agonizing step. When at last I felt the ground again, I tossed the rope to Paulo and sank down at Frederick’s feet, exhausted and riddled with adrenaline. I fought the waves of nausea that threatened to take me and looked up at Nekai. He knelt beside me on the ground and reached out, taking my face in both hands. He pressed his forehead against mine and said something to me that I couldn’t understand.
“He is thanking you for helping him. He says he is forever grateful to you, and he will return the favor,” Nekana said.
I couldn’t look up. I reached out and grasped his wrists as if I could hold him there, keep him there. I really just needed to know that he was safe.
When he pulled away from me, I felt Frederick�
��s hand on my shoulder and he helped me stand. I turned to face Paulo. “Why didn’t you speak before now?” I asked.
“I had no reason to,” he answered rather curtly. Taking the lead of his mules, he moved toward the path and followed Nekai.
“Nekana, how is it that no one thought to tell us that Paulo can speak our language?” Frederick asked.
“He went to the monastery school with me. I thought you and Alfred knew. I’m sorry,” she answered as she gathered her pack and followed after Nekai and Paulo.
Frederick and I made up the rear. I felt sick, and wondered how Nekai could have the strength to move much farther after such a struggle. He didn’t take us too far actually. We traveled for only another hour or so, and he found a spot near a natural spring where we could make camp.
He cast himself down on some soft moss and closed his eyes. I stood nearby watching him for a moment, then went to assist Frederick in setting up our tent and arranging it as we desired. When we reemerged, Paulo had put up the other tent and Nekana was kneeling over a small fire.
I wanted to lie down and give myself over to the rash of emotions I felt but I knew that if I did, it would only upset Frederick. He’d been so quiet since the near disaster at the bridge. I could only hope we wouldn’t meet with any more close misses before the journey was ended.
*
Nekana called us to eat, and I forced myself to go and sit beside the fire as she passed out corncakes and a broth made with what looked like potatoes and pork. It was delicious and despite the nausea I’d felt earlier, I had two bowls of it.
I could not look at Paulo as I ate. I was certain that he knew about me and Frederick. How could he not? He’d been awake the night before when we’d engaged in our dalliances in the tent. I could only hope that he wouldn’t hold it against either of us. I couldn’t look at Nekai, either. He’d been avoiding eye contact with me since we made camp, and I felt that was best. Perhaps nothing more would occur between us.
As darkness fell, Nekana played her flute, Paulo poked listlessly at the fire and Nekai sat cross-legged, whittling a small piece of wood with his sharp knife. I glanced at him from time to time, wondering what he was making. Frederick sat next to me and sketched. I wanted to retire to our tent and take him with me, but he seemed inclined to stay with the company.
A rustling in the jungle near our camp brought everyone to attention. Nekai slipped his knife into his mouth, gripping the blade in his teeth as he reached out for his machete. Paulo rose without a sound and took a stance in front of Nekana, his spear in his hand. I watched breathless as Nekai stood up, turned toward the sound and slipped silently into the jungle.
Frederick reached for my arm and clutched it tightly. Neither of us moved a muscle as we waited. I heard a sudden, loud rustling sound, then the unmistakable whistle of the machete slicing through the air. What followed was a sickening cry and a choking gurgle.
“Stay with Nekana!” Paulo cried as he ran past us into the jungle after Nekai.
The three of us stood silent and watchful as we waited for what seemed an eternity. Paulo came back and fetched one of the mules but said nothing. Nekana breathed a sigh of relief.
“They’ve killed a wild boar. We’ve been lucky. That will feed us for quite some time. The Gods have obviously been smiling upon us thus far to bring us safely across the bridge and deliver the animal into our hands.”
I watched her cross herself, then bow and draw some symbols in the ashes near the fire. I was reminded of the priest telling us how the natives combined elements of Western religion with their own beliefs. I found it comforting and perhaps she was right. Maybe my prayers hadn’t gone unanswered.
Frederick and I sat watching as Paulo and Nekana skinned and dressed the boar. Nekai had gone back to whittling and seemed to be ignoring the spectacle of blood and gore before him. Frederick was slightly sickened by it, which surprised me, him having grown up on a ranch in Texas. No matter, however. He was tired and excused himself to go lie down. I made to join him and noticed he’d left his sketch book. When I reached down to retrieve it, Nekai grabbed my wrist and stopped me.
He took the book and set his whittling aside to thumb through the pages again. He stopped at the colored pencil drawing of a black Sobralia. He shook his head as if to convey that such a thing wasn’t possible or perhaps I’d misread his meaning. I watched as he tilted his head to one side then moved his fingers over the picture, murmuring to himself in his language. He glanced over at Nekana and Paulo who had their backs to us, then put his hand on the back of my neck. I lifted my head up to face him.
His black eyes were hard on mine, and I could read the message he was sending. He tilted his head to one side as if to invite me into the jungle with him. I looked over at Paulo and Nekana and then back at him, shaking my head no. He understood, of course, but was rather insistent and stood, reaching for my hand. I rose and allowed him to lead me over to the little spring hidden behind my and Frederick’s tent. Nekai knelt down beside it and reached out to caress my cheek as I joined him.
I allowed him to give me those soft caresses but only for a moment. My heart was heavy as I reached up and took his hand in mine, stilling his movements. I shook my head no at him once more and then said Frederick’s name. I placed my own hand over my heart and spoke Frederick’s name once more, emphasizing the word as I pressed against my chest. I nodded to him, hoping he would understand what I was trying to tell him.
His fair face showed his confusion as he looked up at me. He shook his head no and frowned, reaching for my hand. He pulled it to his chest and placed it against his wildly beating heart. “Alfred,” he whispered.
I felt my traitorous heart thump soundly against my chest, and the hard lump formed in my throat. I must break his fragile, young heart, his trusting heart. I shook my head no once more and pulled my hand away from him, putting it back on my heart I spoke Frederick’s name one final time.
Nekai’s face contorted with grief, and he stood up over me glowering, his fists clenched. I firmly expected to be struck, but he didn’t hit me. I got to my feet and he took a step back. I could see the tears in his eyes as he backed slowly away from me. He said my name once more in a kind of half sobbing way and then turned and ran off into the jungle.
“Nekai!” I cried as he disappeared into the darkness.
Nekana and Paulo, hearing my cry, came running and stood on either side of me. “What’s happened?” she asked.
“Nekai ran off into the jungle!” I cried.
“What have you done? Why did he run?” she demanded.
“I…I don’t know,” I stammered.
“I’ll find him,” Paulo said, taking a torch and running off in the direction Nekai had disappeared.
I slunk back to the fire defeated. Nekana followed and sat down beside me. “You’d best tell me exactly what happened,” she said, her voice straining to be civil.
“Nekana, I think I gave him the wrong impression. He’s… I think he…” I couldn’t make myself say the words.
She stood up and slapped me hard across the face. “What have you done?” she cried. “He was innocent! He has to be so! Have you ruined him?” she screamed.
“No, I swear I haven’t. I didn’t ruin him, Nekana,” I tried to assure her.
Frederick, hearing the commotion, came out of our tent rubbing his eyes. “What’s happening, Alfred?” he asked.
“And you!” Nekana shouted, pointing at Frederick. “Both of you fine gentlemen with your worldly ways. I know what you do with each other after dark. Paulo told me. He heard your unclean words to each other. Did you try to seduce my little brother with your wickedness?” she cried.
“Nekana, Alfred did not lay with him. You have nothing to fear. Nekai is confused right now with all that he’s feeling. Perhaps Paulo could talk with him and help him understand that he’s just experiencing things that are normal for a young man to feel. His body is waking up and maybe if your father had explained to him…”
&n
bsp; Nekana cut Frederick off. “He must be pure. Don’t you understand that?”
“Nekana, you and I both know that is just superstitious beliefs. It won’t matter if he’s been touched when he goes through that ceremony. I would imagine that others have done much more than he has and gone through it,” Frederick protested.
I sat silent and pensive. I wanted to run after Nekai and try to explain, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him what was in my heart, and I had no way to make him understand. Minutes ticked by as we waited, Nekana fuming beside me and Frederick quiet and worried. Finally we heard them coming back through the jungle toward us. I could easily hear them arguing in their language. Paulo looked angry when he came into the clearing. I stiffened, expecting trouble, but he strode past me and went into their tent. Nekai wouldn’t look at me. He went to his sister and put his arms around her, his head on her shoulder.
“Go to your tent, please, for the love of God,” she begged.
I sighed and rose, reaching for Frederick’s hand. He followed me, and we closed the flap behind us. “Damn, could I have botched that up any worse than I did?” I mumbled as I sat down on my cot, awash with guilt and grief over losing him.
“You did what you had to do, love,” Frederick assured me, sitting down beside me and running his fingers through my hair.
I reached for him, pulling him close and pressing my lips against his. “Forgive me for my weaknesses,” I whispered.
“There is nothing to forgive,” he answered.
We sat together, anxiety ridden as we listened to the ardent discussion going on just outside out tent. Nekai’s voice rose in anger as he spoke with his sister and she seemed to be trying to defuse him with her calm, soothing tone. I wanted so to go out and take him into my arms, comfort him but I knew it would be foolish.
When I heard him break, his words falling away to a soft sobbing, I rose and went to the tent flap, lifting it slowly and peering out. He stood with his head in his hands and Nekana was holding him as he cried softly. Paulo was thankfully nowhere to be seen. I let the flap fall back and threw myself down on my cot, giving over to the wretched emotions that had been threatening to take me all that long, dreadful day. Frederick was beside me, his arms around me, but I could find no solace there. There would be no easing of my pain. How could I be comforted when all I could hear was the sound of Nekai’s breaking heart and all I could feel was the echo of it in my own chest?