by Sawyer Caine
I could not fathom the rules of the game, but Nekai was clearly winning and the other boys were not happy about it. I watched them pushing playfully at each other and laughing in the carefree way of boys, but I could see Nekai had changed. The other boys looked at him differently. They knew he was now considered an adult, yet he seemed to be still on the cusp of it and not completely in it yet.
I had to wonder what his life would be like after we, Frederick and I, left this place. Would he be married immediately and lose this boyishness that had so endeared him to me? I pushed those thoughts away. As I turned back to Frederick, Nekai caught my eye, noticing that I was watching him and gave me a smile. I returned it and waved to him.
“Love, you only make this harder on yourself and on the boy. You know we have to leave, and yet you persist in hanging on one more and then one more day. I spoke to Nekana last evening and she told me that the raftsmen from Tucupita will be here tomorrow to take a load of furs and goods from the village back to the city. They will not come again for almost a month, Alfred. We will have to go with them when they leave this place. I don’t say this to hurt you, love. I say it because one of us must and clearly you cannot leave him without help.”
Frederick clasped my shoulder as he slipped by me and stepped out of the hut. He walked past the playing boys, stopping to fluff his fingers through Nekai’s hair, then headed down toward the river. I watched him walking away until he was gone from my sight, then crushed my cigarette against the lodge pole and slipped out myself to find Nekana.
She wasn’t far away, kneeling in front of a small stream, washing clothes. She stood up and swiped the sweat from her forehead as I approached. I cleared my throat and shuffled from foot to foot trying to form the words I needed to say to her. Finally, I managed to find the man in me and let fly the things I had to declare.
“Nekana, Frederick and I will be going back with the raftsmen tomorrow and I… I need you to help me say goodbye to him. I need him to know that it will be our last night here, and I don’t want him to be sad. Can you tell him that for me? Can you tell him that I don’t want to leave him…” My voice failed me, and I stammered off, fighting the tears that threatened to spill like the heavy, dark clouds overhead.
The air around me was tense, expectant of the afternoon storm. The emotions whirling through me were just as mercurial. My hands shook, and the lump in my throat nearly chocked me as I swallowed hard against the well of pain that bubbled up from beneath my breaking heart and tried to stake its claim.
Nekana watched me with her somber eyes and said nothing as I recovered my composure as best I could. She glanced behind me at the sound of someone approaching, and I knew without turning back that it was him. I felt his big hand on my shoulder and I closed my eyes tightly when he spoke my name. Before I could respond or even face him, Nekana began speaking in their rolling language, telling him what I couldn’t say.
He let go of me and stood directly in front of me, but I could not raise my eyes to face him at first, fearful of the emotion that would get away from me if I did. As she spoke on, I heard his breathing hitch up and watched him shifting nervously about in front of me. He reached out, quite suddenly and grasped my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. He spoke, his voice strained and tight, deep, husky, the words unknown to me, but Nekana gave me their meaning.
“He says he knows you must leave but he doesn’t want you to go. He asks you to remain here with him.”
“Nekana, tell him that I have no choice but to return to my home. It is without its master now, and I am wanted there. I don’t want to leave him, but I must. Tell him… Oh, God, I don’t know what to tell him that will make this better!” I cried, reaching out to take his hand in mine.
“Will you write to him, Alfred? If I can tell him that he will, at the very least, hear from you in such a manner, perhaps that would make leaving easier. I can translate the letters for him. You can postmark them through the mission in Tucupita, and they will send them along to him.”
I nodded my head, still unable to speak, and she conveyed this to him. He grasped my hand tighter and moved again. I felt his lips brush against mine and looked up in shock that he’d done this right in front of Nekana. His big, dark eyes were full of unshed tears. Why did I cause him to cry so often? It was wrong, and he was better off without me and my influence. He whispered my name again and pressed his forehead to mine, lifting my hand and placing it against his chest over his beating heart.
“Nekana!” I gasped and she understood. She reached out and took his arm, tugging him back from me and speaking words to him that I could not understand.
I saw the hurt and pain in his eyes, the realization hitting him full on that I truly meant to leave the next morning. He shook his head and shoved away from her, then ran off into the jungle. When I moved to go after him, she took my arm and held me back.
“No, Alfred, let him go. He’s hurting, and this is his way of dealing with the pain. Let him be alone for now.”
*
Frederick and I packed up all our belongings and placed them in the crates down by the river dock. We were sleeping in the shaman’s hut for the last time that night. I’d left out the Victrola and the box of records. Frederick and I had decided to leave those and the paper lantern for Nekai. He knew how to work them, and they still held a fascination for him. I could get another Victrola and more records. I wanted him to have these memories of us, of me.
At nightfall, Nekai had still not returned. Nekana didn’t seem concerned and neither did the shaman. We ate our last meal with them in the hut. The village women had prepared a marvelous dinner for us, and we had music and a kind of celebration as they well-wished us. I smiled when it was appropriate, but my heart was not in it. I dreaded what I knew would be the long miserable night ahead, but I feared even more the wretched day that would follow.
When Nekana extinguished the torches in the hut, and we settled for the night, I could feel the ocean of pain climbing up around me. He wasn’t going to be around for me to say goodbye in the morning. He was going to hide until I was gone. Perhaps it would be easier that way. It would save us both that agony of parting, that one last glance, that one last touch. I must have let out a sob of pain, because I felt Frederick’s hand close over mine in the dark, and I shifted in my wraps so I could be closer to him. He ran his hand through my hair and tried to soothe me in the darkness, but I could not be comforted.
Sometime just before morning, I heard Nekai return. He lifted the mat over the door and slipped inside, going directly to his cot. Though it gave me some comfort to know that he was not out in the jungle, I longed to be alone with him one more time. I wished I could speak the words to him that he needed to hear, but I could not and that was the torment of it all.
Morning came too quickly for me. I hadn’t slept, and I was exhausted with my night’s grieving. I’d managed to keep silent as the tears flowed, but Frederick knew. I was sure that Nekana did as well, but to her credit she said nothing. We ate a light breakfast with them, Nekai refusing to meet my eyes. He was listless, and his expression flat and without emotion. I was sure I looked much the same. I didn’t fail to notice that his dark eyes were as red as mine.
Nekana came to Frederick and me as we sat on the small porch before the hut. “The men are here and the rafts are being loaded. My father has gifts he wishes to give you and Frederick. Will you come inside and receive them?”
We rose and followed her back into the hut. Nekai was gone again. He’d left just after we ate. I sat down beside the fire with Frederick on my left. The shaman lit a pipe much like the one Frederick and I had smoked with him before we left on the journey. He passed it to us, and we again smoked with him. Nekana told us that the pipe was for us, and it was a gift. After each of us had smoked together, the shaman put it out and wrapped it in soft, white leather, then handed it to me. Nekana gave us both bead necklaces that she had made for us and a woven blanket for me and one for Frederick. We conveyed our thanks
and took the gifts down to the river, handing them over to be loaded with the rest.
I turned to look back around the village, desperate for one last sight of him. He wasn’t there. I was surprised when Nekana climbed onto the raft with us. She said she wished to accompany us as far as the bend in the river, and she would get off there and return to the village on foot. I was too grief stricken to give it much thought and was only vaguely aware of the sounds of the villagers shouting their goodbyes. The raftsmen pushed off, and we were away. The huts, people, sounds and smells of the Warao village were left behind in the jungle.
I sat beside Frederick on the raft, my fists clenched, my eyes shut tight. I trembled and shook like a man in the throes of a fever. We had gone on for some time and at first I didn’t hear Frederick when he softly spoke my name. He touched my hand and got my attention away from my misery.
“Look, my love,” he said quietly, gripping my chin and lifting it.
I saw Nekai. He stood on a large boulder just at the bend of the river. Nekana must have known he would be there, waiting for us. She spoke to the raftsmen and asked them to pull up to the bank. I was out and running through the shallow water with no thought to my boots getting wet. Nekai stepped down from the rock and stood behind it, shielding us from the raftsmen. Frederick and Nekana got out as well and waited, just a little way away from us.
Nekai stood at arm’s length from me and stared. He neither spoke nor moved, and I knew it would have to be me. I closed the distance between us and took him roughly into my arms, clinging to his warm, hard body. I ran my hands over his back, through his hair. I pressed my lips against his and took his mouth in a forceful kiss that stole his breath. I tasted his tears and the blood from his lips, so strong had been the kiss that it broke the skin. Neither of us cared who might be watching. It was goodbye, and it was for always.
“Alfred!” he cried against my neck, his head heavy on my shoulder, his arms tight around my waist.
I put my hands on his huge biceps and pushed him gently away from me so I could look into his eyes, then I pulled his forehead against mine, putting my hand on his heart. He reached up and put his on mine. We spoke no words because we had nothing to say. It was all very simple, really. It was pain and nothing more.
“Alfred, is there something you need to say to him?” Nekana asked from behind us.
“Tell him that I love him, that I will always love him. Tell him that I will write to him and that I will never forget him. Tell him… tell him…” I couldn’t speak further. The tears had taken me, and I could barely stand.
I listened as she spoke my words to him, and then I felt the vibration of his deep voice against the palm I rested on his chest when he spoke his answer.
“He wants you to know that he does not regret this love, and that he will never forget you either. He has something he wishes to give you,” she said.
He stepped away from me and reached into the little leather pouch he wore tied to his waist. He held his hand out toward me and lying on his palm was a small bear. He had carved it from wood. I gasped in surprise. There were no bears in the Amazon. He had seen it on the medallion I wore around my neck. The bear was the symbol of my family and had been on our seal. This was what he had been carving as we made our journey to the pyramid. It was the secret he had been keeping. He had made a necklace of it, the chain woven from a very thin link of his black, braided hair. I stood quietly as he tied it around my neck. Overcome with desire, I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair again and then crushed him to me.
We stood like that for some time, just holding and breathing. When I pulled back from him, I took off the medallion around my neck. Reaching behind his neck and beneath his hair, I fastened it to him and left that part of me behind for him to have. He touched it, never taking his eyes from mine. We both knew it was time. I felt that ocean of pain once more, and I fought to stay afloat in it. I could give way to my grief when I was alone, but not here.
We held hands as we walked back down to the raft. Frederick stood with his head down. I could see that he was just as affected as I was. I couldn’t imagine how difficult this was for him. I would make this up to him, this pain I’d caused him. I would make it better, but not now. As I made a small, uncertain movement toward the raft, Nekai seized my hand once more.
“Quédate conmigo!” he said.
“What did he say?” I asked Nekana.
“Stay with me.”
I swallowed hard and looked down into those black eyes. “Come with me!” I cried before I could stop the words from spilling out.
Nekana translated the words, and I could feel the wash of misery take me when the tears spilled down my face.
It was over. I let go his hand, my fingers slipping down his. I stepped onto the raft and sat sideways so I could watch as the raftsmen pushed away and we drifted down the river toward Tucupita and civilization. I watched him, standing on the bend of the river watching me. Nekana put her arms around him and he leaned against her, still watching me. I kept him in my sights as we drifted away from him until he disappeared from view behind the trees. I sank against Frederick and sobbed. I didn’t care what the raftsmen thought of us. He was gone. Gone from my sight and gone from my touch. I would never look into those eyes again, never hold him close. The ocean of pain took me and I sank.
*
When we docked several hours later at the mission in Tucupita, I was a man numb to everything but my misery. Frederick handled the unloading of our luggage and talked with the priest who came down to greet us. I barely spoke as our luggage was put into a horse-drawn tram and we climbed in. I didn’t hear the city around me, I didn’t notice if I was spoken to. Frederick spoke for me and when we reached the hotel, he paid the desk clerk and secured a suite of rooms for us. He put his arm around me, led me up the stairs, and then we were finally alone. I sat dejectedly on the side of the bed and looked up at him.
“How can you stand it, being with me?” I asked.
“I love you, Alfred. I have told you this before. I understand you better than you understand yourself. I’m here for you, love. I will help you through this. Let me comfort you.”
He undressed quietly in the afternoon light and drew me down into the soft bed with him. I let him undress me. He kissed away my tears. When he pulled me on top of him and made it clear that he desired me to love him, I gave him what he wanted. When I sank into his tight, hot body, I shuddered with the pleasure of it and hated that my enjoyment of this, my lover, was weighed down with grief. I refused to think about Nekai as I loved Frederick. I refused to let his face, his eyes, enter my thoughts.
When we lay together after it was done, I let the tears come once more. Frederick slept. I lay awake, listening to the street music and tormenting myself with the knowledge that I was still close enough to reach Nekai if I wanted to. I could pay someone to take me back up the river to him. It wasn’t too late, but I knew those thoughts were foolish.
That part of my life was over. Heathwood waited for its master, and I would have to leave him, that young wild native prince, here in the Amazon where he could run free. I would have to let him go. I remembered the spirit boy from the pyramid and his warning to me. I had done as he asked. It was finished. As I drifted off to sleep, Frederick in my arms, I wondered if I would ever be able to dream again without seeing him.
Chapter Nineteen
We sat together on the plane, Frederick and I, our hands clasped tightly. I watched through the dusty window as we took off, climbing into the clouds and leaving behind Tucupita, the Amazon, and the beautiful native boy who haunted my dreams. I couldn’t tear my eyes from the scenery below until we were over the water of the Atlantic, the lush greenery of the jungle fading away below us. I leaned over against Frederick and closed my eyes tightly. My heart was lurching, and I wanted to beg the pilot to take us back but that chapter of my life was closed. I would have to learn to move on. Frederick was with me, and now it was time to resume our story.
&n
bsp; He had been more than patient with me on this strange and adventurous journey. We’d gone to the Amazon to return the idol, but so much had happened. We’d both grown and changed. Frederick had found the man within him, and that was good. I’d begun to heal from the trauma of my past and had learned to do it with the help of an innocent boy. I was thankful that I’d done no more with him than I had. Perhaps he could go on and recover. Maybe meeting me would be good for him. I could only hope so.
Frederick dozed off and on during the twelve hour flight. When we landed in France, it was dark and we were both weary. We booked rooms in the same hotel we’d stayed at before we left, and I placed a call to Heathwood to speak with Charles. When he answered and realized it was me, he nearly burst into tears. We had no way to contact home and no way to get a message through. Frederick and I had been gone for a little over two months, and my friends and remaining family had been frantic all that time for some news. Charles assured me that he would let everyone know that Frederick and I would be headed home in the morning.
I secured a driver who was willing to take us north the next day, then I returned to our suite of rooms and to Frederick. We’d made good use of the hotel room when last we’d stayed here. I hoped that maybe we could do the same, and perhaps it would be a start toward putting my life back on track. I still felt the miserable aching, searing need for Nekai, but I had the sense to realize that with the passing of time, that would fade until it became only a background noise that would resurface from time to time to cause me grief. I could live with that.
Frederick was in the bath. I could hear the radio playing softly, and I slipped inside the rooms and closed the door, locking it behind me. I’d procured a bottle of wine and two glasses, and I sat them on the side table as I unbuttoned the cuffs of my shirt then started on the buttons at the collar. As I slipped the shirt from my shoulders, I chanced to catch my reflection in the mirror and a fresh surge of pain washed over me when I saw the necklace he’d made for me still hanging around my neck. The carved bear strung on a braided length of his black hair. My hand strayed up to touch it, and I swallowed hard, lifting it up to see if I could still smell his scent on it.