by Sawyer Caine
Frederick was silent for a moment. “Her brother? Can you not even bring yourself to speak his name, Alfred?” he asked quietly.
“No, not yet, love. Don’t chide me about it, please,” I begged.
“As you will, Alfred, as you will. I’ll get the film. Anything else?” he asked.
“Yes, some more candy and pick something nice for Nekana, for them both. You choose, love. Oh, I nearly forgot! He sent you another Sobralia. This one is a lovely dark blue.”
“Splendid! I can’t wait to see it. Put it in the book with the other one so it doesn’t get disturbed, will you love?”
“Yes, of course. Frederick, please be careful and come back as soon as you can,” I said.
“I love you too, Alfred.” I could hear the teasing smile in his voice.
“I didn’t know if you were alone to say it to me, you brute. And yes, I love you. Now go and behave yourself if you are able.”
Heathwood, a week alone with only his ghostly image in the photo for company, only the fragrance of him locked into the braid of hair, only the memory of his touch on my body, his warmth, without the comfort of my Frederick to ease my longing. I sat down at the desk to pen my letter to Nekana and Nekai. I knew exactly what it was that I wanted to say, and I knew I had best say it now before Nekana left.
I hoped Frederick would have no trouble finding a suitable gift for them both. I wanted to send more records for the Victrola and enough candy to make Nekai ill for days. Perhaps a pretty dress for Nekana, maybe some shoes to match? So many presents we could send them, so many ways to show our love. I wrote for nearly an hour, striking out and changing my prose, then re-copying the final letter on Heathwood stationary and laying it aside to seal in the box that I would postmark to them.
*
I called for Charles to help me get ready for bed, declining supper in favor of the comfort of the darkness. I sank into the pillows alone and gave over to daydreams of dark skin and dark eyes, soft lips and fading innocence, regret and despair over my betrayal of both the one I loved and the one who loved me.
“God, I… how can I… I am worthy of this pain!” I gasped against Frederick’s pillow.
I’d said it to myself, to the room, to anyone who would listen. The one I loved… and the one who loved me…
“I am the lowest kind of scum,” I whispered as the tears began to roll. I’d said it to myself, the one person who would not believe.
You can love two people, but you will only be in love with one of them. I knew which one it was. Frederick knew. I closed my eyes and tried to block it all away, but it was useless. At last I rose, lit a candle and took his picture out of the vault. I sat naked on my bed and stared at his dark eyes, drank in the vision of him and longed and burned and desired. My heart was devious, my thoughts impure. I laid the photo aside on the bedside table and reached for my swollen member. As I stroked my hardness, aching as it filled and stretched in my palm, I rocked into my own hand, imagining it was him that I took, claimed, possessed. I found only the quick, empty pleasure of physical release, not the emotional fulfillment I longed for.
“Nekai!” I cried into the empty room as I spilled into my hand. But of course, I received was no reply, only silence. Only darkness and the bitter emptiness of my traitorous soul.
Chapter Twenty-One
And so the summer months passed into autumn without incident as I gradually came back to a semblance of my former self. Frederick was the rock I leaned upon and with him at my side, it was easier to deal with the absence of Nekai in my life. I longed for the letters from Tucupita just the same, however, and when one arrived, it was a bright spot in my day. Nekai, conversing with me through the assistance of the Capuchin monks, was keeping his letters friendly with no trace of our former affection. Though his grasp of the English language was improving with each passing day, I knew it would be a while before he could write to me on his own. I longed for that day.
I had tried to put away my shameful feelings for him. I knew nothing would ever come of them and as a broken heart takes time to heal, so did mine. I would never have been able to do it if not for Frederick. I needed to say much to Nekai. Many doors that were left open needed to be closed, but I could not do so until he no longer depended upon the monks for translation. Nekana’s warning resounded in my head every time I entertained the idea of simply saying what I needed to say and sending it to him. I didn’t want anyone to judge him harshly for what I’d caused to happen between us.
Frederick and I had traveled by motorcar to visit the local county fair that afternoon and spent an enjoyable day looking at the livestock, eating all sorts of interesting and terribly unhealthy treats. We’d ridden the Ferris wheel several times and even taken a spin on the merry-go-round. Ah, the rides were always my favorite when I was a child. I watched Frederick, laughing and smiling at the young children as they vied for their turn.
He and I had grown up in a world of wonders, a world that Nekai would never know. What would he have thought of these rides? Would he have wanted to go on them? Of course he would have. I pushed the image of him on the merry-go-round out of my head and took Frederick’s hand.
It had been a long but fulfilling day, and we’d returned to Heathwood exhausted, falling into bed together still dressed, but we did not remain that way for long. Sometime around midnight, Frederick awakened me with a coughing spell that threw me into great concern for him. These spells were occurring with more and more frequency and lasting longer when they came.
“Love, we must get you to a doctor to have this checked. I don’t like the way you sound. You know you’ve been feeling poorly for a long while now. There is no sense in putting it off any longer. We’ll get some medicine for you and stop this nonsense,” I urged.
“Alfred, I tell you, there is no need. I’ve had this cough for years, and I’ve dealt with it just fine. Leave it!”
I watched, perplexed, as he shoved past me and went through the double doors into his room. When Frederick had moved into Heathwood with me, we’d taken a suite of rooms that attached to each other with doors between. It was only to keep up the ruse that we were just good friends. Each morning Frederick would rise before me and muss up the blankets in the bed in his room before coming back to me. In this manner, we continued to keep Charles and Rosemarie in the dark as to the true nature of our liaisons. I suspected that Charles had known all along, though he never let on that he did.
I pushed open the door and followed Frederick into his room, taking him in my arms from behind. “Don’t push me away, love. You are all I have and the only thing that makes me happy…”
“Don’t stand here and say things like that to me! The only thing that makes you happy is the letters that come from Tucupita. I’m a pale substitute for the dark skinned and black-eyed one you dream about at night when you hold me. I hear you call for him in your sleep. I feel you rubbing against me and moaning his name as you do it. How do you think that makes me feel? I know what I am to you. I’m just the one you hold to keep you from losing your mind. Damn it all, Alfred. I’m not a crutch. I saved your life, his life. Why can’t you put him behind you?”
Frederick pushed away from me and stumbled over to the bed, holding his handkerchief to his face as another coughing fit took him. When I moved to sit beside him, he turned away from me, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. I took him in my arms again and felt the fever burning in his skin.
“Love, you are ill. Please let me call for the doctor…”
“Damn the doctors. They will want to put me away in a sanatorium and I won’t’ go. I’ll go back to America and die on my own soil before I’ll ever let anyone lock me away, you included.”
“Frederick, I would never…”
“You mean to say if a doctor told you to put me in a sanatorium to keep you and your family safe that you wouldn’t do it?” he asked, his green eyes flashing at me.
“No, I wouldn’t put you away, love, never would I do it.” I vowed as I pulled
him close and ran my fingers through his golden curls. “I’d never let anyone take you away from me.”
“No, because without me to hold you up, you would fall and drown in despair, wouldn’t you, Lord Heathwood?” he spat venomously.
“Damn it, Frederick, what do you want me to say? How can I make this better? What do you want from me? Say the words and I will do it,” I promised as I took his face in my hands.
“Remember you said that when I speak the words you are asking me to say,” he whispered as he pulled away from me. “If you love me at all and want to do right by me, then this is what I ask of you. Send Nekai one more letter and tell him that it will be the last one he receives. Instruct him not to write to you anymore and for good measure, write one to the monks as well and tell them not to forward any more mail from him. It’s time to end this foolishness that keeps him in your heart. I thought I could deal with it, but I cannot. End it with him or end it with me. One or the other I will not play second fiddle to him any longer. I want you to get rid of what he sent you. Throw away all the memories of him that you keep in the vault. Alfred, you must decide which of us it is that you love, and you must abide by that decision. Do not make it lightly, love.”
I stood up and stared at him as if he were a total stranger, this love of mine. Anger flared up in me, and I was sorely tempted to strike him. I clenched my fists and stormed out of the room, pacing about in my suite like a caged animal. I could not do as he asked. I could not destroy all the memories I had of Nekai. I could not put the picture, the necklace he’d made for me into the fire. It wasn’t possible. I sank down on the floor in front of the fireplace with my head in my hands and gave over to weeping. I was not a strong man. I’d always known it my whole life. My father had known it. Frederick knew it. He was so much stronger than I was.
It seemed like an eternity that I lay on the rug watching the flames licking away at the burning wood. It felt like the embers of my life were crumbling away to ash before me, and nothing I could do would stop it. I felt a hand resting softly on my shoulder, and Frederick’s lips brushed against the tears on my face.
“Alfred, do you love me?” he asked.
“You know I do, love,” I answered.
“Then let him go. There is no other way we can continue together. I love you and you know that. Just stop this dragging on of it. He will never move forward if you don’t.”
“Frederick, how is my writing to him dragging it on? Do you honestly think that I can just stop writing to him and things will be better? If you say that I dream about him at night, do you think that will just go away?” I cried as I sat up and faced him.
“I will never be able to make you understand this,” I said. “I can’t explain it myself but I swear to you, I love you and I chose you and I am not with him. I am with you, but I will not be pushed into a corner where I must make the decision to damn myself to a lonely existence without you and without him as well because I can never have him. You say that you love me, then love me and accept that things are as they are. I will not go back to him. You’ve read the letters I send. They speak nothing of the love we shared. They are friendly and platonic. That is how they will remain. Stop this senseless jealousy of him.”
I reached out and grabbed Frederick, pulling him tight against me, the anger between us serving to fuel my arousal. It always did so to me. He tried to push against me, but his efforts were futile. Sexual tension born out of anger always seemed to hold the greatest potential for explosive pleasure, and I never knew why it was so.
“Damn you, Alfred!” he cried, pushing at me with both hands as I struggled backward toward the bed with him. We fought like wild men as we tangled in the sheets, each trying to get the upper hand.
At last I subdued him beneath me and worked my craft against him, trailing my mouth down his neck and over his collarbone. I nipped at the sensitive skin and ground my arousal against his hip with abandon. I was aware that I growled like an animal, but I could do nothing to stop it. He responded with sounds that were much the like. Though he struggled still, beneath me, I knew he was just as aroused as I was. Nothing, not even black anger could destroy that for us.
“Love, you crush me!”
I rolled a little off of him, and he took advantage of the situation to drive his knee toward my groin. I was aware of his play, however, and moved quickly away, pinning him beneath me once more.
“So, you would try to injure me in the very place you want your pleasure to come from. Frederick, I’m shocked at you,” I said in my deepest, most husky voice.
He shuddered perceptively beneath me and pushed up against me with his unmasked desire. “You are the devil!” he shouted.
“I am beginning to believe that,!” I replied.
I moved to the side of him once more and tore at his clothes. He lay there as I roughly undressed him, remaining motionless as he watched me with lidded eyes. I nearly ripped the seams of my own garments in the effort to rid myself of them. He did not make any movement toward me at all until I rolled myself onto him again and forced his legs apart with my knees.
“Want you,” I growled against his ear. “Do you want me, love?”
“You know I do,” he answered. “And I am damned because of that want.”
“No, I am the one who is damned.” I took his mouth hard and tasted his blood with the kiss. I cared not. He was mine. I wasn’t going to be made to choose between them. It was never a choice. Frederick was with me. Nekai was not. I could have Frederick. I could never have Nekai. Frederick’s anger would not drive me away from the memories I carried.
“Tell me that you want me,” I begged him.
“Why must you hear it?” he cried as I twisted his nipples cruelly between my fingers and listened for the moans of pleasure that such torture always caused.
“Because I am a greedy, selfish man who must have everything he wants, now give it to me,” I ordered.
“Yes, I want you, always you, only you!” he cried.
I worked him with my mouth, nipping and biting at sensitive skin as I slipped down over his sculpted torso, stopping to dip my tongue into his navel. He shifted his hips up against me, and I obliged him by wrapping my hand around his straining shaft and giving it several hard pumps before taking it into my mouth.
He clutched at the sides of my head. “Lord, God!” “Yes, I will be your savior!” I answered, and then resumed my rhythm.
He bucked like an animal, so great was his need. I allowed it, gave him the freedom to move as he took my mouth and I held still, allowing him the movement. It was sweet bliss, and it was consummation. When I felt the hot, salty liquid strike the back of my throat, I knew that I had his surrender. He would not leave me. I held him close after it was done, listening to his slow, steady breathing. Night surrounded us, and we were alone.
Hours later I lay awake wondering if he had been right. Should I get rid of what I’d kept in the safe and stop writing letters to Nekai? It pained me to think of it and I turned over, drawing my knees up to my chest and trying to come to a solution in my troubled mind.
*
He lay on the sandy floor of the cave, his head supported on the crook of one bent arm thrown behind him. His other hand trailed down over his chest, across his flat, tight belly. He untied his loin cloth and tossed it aside, reaching for his straining cock and stroking it softly, easily, not wanting to hurry, not wanting to bring the pleasure too quickly. He looked up at me with those dark eyes, heavy-lidded with lust. He called my name. I moved close and knelt beside him, taking his face in my hands. I brushed his full lips with mine and opened to him as his tongue demanded entry. The kiss deepened and I felt my breath catch in my chest. His arms were around me, his scent all over me. “Nekai,” I whispered against his mouth, and he moaned back into mine. We rolled against each other on the floor of the cave, and I knelt over him, watching as he pleasured himself, his breathing hitching up, and sweat covering his dark skin. The scent of his arousal hung heavy in the air and mix
ed with my own. I wanted, he wanted, I needed him, had to have him…
I was naked and covering his young, hard body with my own. I was pushing at his thighs, forcing them apart, wanting, wanting… His hands grabbing at my shoulders, his mouth closing on my neck, sucking hard. Frederick would see the marks… “Need you,” I cried as I tried to rock against him. He pulled away, questions in his eyes. He didn’t understand. He didn’t know what I wanted of him. “Want this, want you!” I slid my hand up the inside of his muscular thigh, pressing my fingers against his tight opening, willing him to relax for me, but when I pressed my finger inside him, he cried out and pushed at me, fear and confusion playing on his face.
“Give it to me!” I cried, trying to hold him still, trying to make him surrender to me.
He shoved me away and stood up, grabbing his loin cloth. I tried to grab him, tried to pull him back down, wanted and needed and had to have him. He ran away, I chased him, down to the falls, trapping him between a large rock and the water.
“Nekai!” I screamed. “Don’t run from me!”
“Don’t!” he cried when I tried to take him in my arms. He shifted away and dived into the water. I watched him disappear beneath the lapping current and only the moonlight remained to grace the surface of the water. Lost to me… gone… he was not mine to have…
I woke with the striking of the hallway clock on the hour of three. Frederick slept beside me, heavy in the bed. He had not heard me crying out. I climbed carefully out of the bed and padded over to my desk. Taking paper and pen, I composed a letter to Nekai.
My dear friend,
This will be the last letter you will receive from me. I fear that the preoccupation with the modern world that you have is bad for you. Your father will need you to be concentrating on your duties to your tribe and to your future wife, whoever she may be. It is only making things worse for you to continue to write to me.