Throughout the entire meal, Dawson had sat beside her playing with the kids and laughing with Radford and Adam as they told stories about working together at the mill. Dawson had even grabbed Tyler during one of his attempted escapes and plopped him on his own knee for a moment, tickling Tyler into laughter and giving Evelyn a much-deserved break. He had held Emma when Nancy’s arms grew tired. Dawson was comfortable with her large family, and that made it easy to forget he was stepping into another man’s place.
But now that the noise and chaos of dinner was over, being with Dawson didn’t feel quite as easy or comfortable. To find herself walking beside him, under the sprawling snow-covered branches of the apple trees that she’d shared with Hal, felt like a betrayal. Her heart ached and she shivered from cold and exhaustion.
Dawson wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “Maybe we should have let Radford drive us home. You’re shivering.”
“I’m trembling with fatigue,” she said, releasing a small laugh to assure him she was fine. She stepped to the outside of the path to put some distance between them. The truth was, Dawson and her warring thoughts had her completely flustered. She glanced back at Radford and Evelyn’s house, hoping no one was watching from the window. As much as she enjoyed feeling Dawson’s arm around her, she just wasn’t ready to share her feelings with others. And that was part of the problem. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever be ready. It had been so much easier at Crane Landing with only Adam and Rebecca around to witness her friendship with Dawson. His friendship extended to all of them, so Nancy felt comfortable visiting with Dawson. And Adam and Rebecca were too consumed with their own romance to notice her own with Dawson. The thought of having to explain their relationship to anyone left her deeply conflicted.
As they continued their slow walk through the orchard, Dawson placed his hand on her elbow when the churned up snow made the path difficult. But their walk wasn’t a comfortable companionship anymore. It was awkward. And that was her fault. Her inability to decide what she wanted to do was affecting her relationship with Dawson.
“Nancy, stop a moment.” To her surprise, he turned her to face him. “I can sense your turmoil over my proposal. I’m not going to push you into a decision you don’t want. This is something you must decide for yourself. All I ask is that you give me an answer before I head back home.”
“Oh, Dawson… I’m sorry. When you wrote that you would be coming to spend the holiday with me, I was thrilled. I was actually giddy when I saw you crossing the orchard yesterday. But an instant later, memories of Hal rushed in like an avalanche and they buried my heart.” She bit her lip, horrified to find herself on the brink of tears. “Hal and I used to walk through this orchard… at night, during the day, in every season, with every child. In the fall when the apples ripened, Hal would reach up and pick one of the apples high up on the tree. He would shine it on his shirt and tell our boys the fruit would be sweeter with the extra attention from the sun.” Nancy glanced from the gnarled branches to the sky where a few stars were beginning to shine. “We lived so much of our lives out here in this orchard. We talked about what we’d name our children. Radford is named after his brother, John Radford, who died just before I came to Fredonia. We talked about the mill and Hal’s challenges to keep it afloat. It was so hard for him for so many years, going it alone after his brother died. But we had a good life and four wonderful children, and we spent those days together right here.” Nancy knew she was babbling, but her thoughts and feelings were such a jumble in her head that she couldn’t organize a single thought. All she knew is that Dawson needed to understand why there was no easy answer to his proposal. “It’s just so hard to not think of him because he’s here,” she whispered. “In my children’s faces, in their laughter, in their babies, in this orchard…” She dropped her chin and shook her head, knowing she’d said too much. “I’m sorry…”
Dawson pulled her into his arms and rocked her. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. I thought enough time had passed that you could have feelings for someone else.”
“I do have feelings for you,” she said, looking up so he could see the truth in her eyes. “I didn’t expect our friendship to develop into more, but it has. I have all these feelings for you bubbling up inside, and I get excited thinking about being with you, and then in the next instant I’m buried in memories of Hal and our life together and the guilt and heartache… It tears me apart inside.”
Dawson continued to rock her gently as if there were no words.
For a minute, Nancy leaned into his comfort, inhaling the light scent of his cologne, loving the feel of his arms around her—and hating herself for wanting to stay there.
“Dawson, I hadn’t intended to reveal any of this.” She stepped away, but took his gloved hands in her own. “Being with my grandchildren this evening reminded me of how quickly time is passing. I can remember like it was yesterday when Radford came home with Rebecca. She was a shy, withdrawn four-year-old little darling in desperate need of a mother. Radford was patient and loving with her, but it was Evelyn and her love that helped Rebecca and Radford heal. She’s been a wonderful wife to Radford and a loving mother to Rebecca. And look at Rebecca now, a grown woman married to Adam. Her brother William is home from university for the holiday, but he plans to travel to Crane Landing in the new year because he’s considering settling there after he graduates. And now Marshall Thomas, Kyle’s oldest, my goodness, he’s talking about heading to Texas to become a wildcatter and drill for oil.”
Dawson arched an eyebrow. “Is he old enough to be making those decisions?”
“He’s seventeen, but Graysons seem to know what they want early in life. Rebecca and Adam were teens when they met and I think they knew from the beginning that they were destined to be together. I always thought they’d marry and settle here in Fredonia, with Adam working at the mill. But they’re spending this year at Crane Landing, and I suspect they’ll stay there. I’m happy for them, but their absence leaves a hole in my heart. I know there’s a big world outside of Fredonia, but it feels as if it’s getting bigger as my babies move farther away. Life is slipping through my fingers and I can’t hang onto my family. I’m afraid to blink for fear another one of my grandchildren will have grown and left home. Or that I’ll miss seeing them grow.” She bit her lip to stem her emotions.
“I understand, Nancy. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to watch your grandchildren grow up and start to have lives of their own. But that’s also a beautiful thing.”
“It surely is,” she said, acknowledging the truth. “And that’s why I don’t want to miss a minute of it. I’ve spent most of my life raising children and grandchildren, but I wouldn’t trade one minute of it for all the wealth in the world.”
“It’s times like this that I sometimes regret not having children of my own,” Dawson said. “I’m sure the joy of raising your babies outweighs the heartbreak.”
“For me it does. My heart hasn’t known a quiet moment since I got off the train in Dunkirk forty-six years ago.” Nancy sighed and tucked her hand in the crook of Dawson’s elbow. “Here I am keeping you out here in the cold while I blather on like a foolish old woman. Let’s go home, and I’ll warm some cider for us.”
“All right, but not because you’re blathering, Nancy. I’m glad you remembered our friendship and that we can talk with one another about anything.”
“A blessing for which I’ll be eternally grateful,” she said, smiling up at him. For the remainder of their walk, they enjoyed the companionable silence that had come to them so easily in Crane Landing. There, they had shared many wonderful and deep conversations. It had been so easy talking with Dawson—until he’d plopped a proposal in the middle of their friendship.
Even though she’d just babbled like a ninny and revealed too much, Nancy was grateful that the conversation had resurrected their easy friendship.
She hadn’t considered that Dawson hadn’t had children. But she was certa
inly thinking about it now. He was wealthy and incredibly handsome, with his dark hair and twinkling blue eyes, and he could easily find a younger woman with whom to marry and have children. But that was a topic of conversation for another day.
Together they climbed the steps and slipped into her warm foyer. They removed their coats and snowy boots. While Dawson added more wood to the fireplace, Nancy rushed to the kitchen to heat cider. The warmth of the kitchen was a welcome contrast to the brisk chill of the orchard. This room, with its hardwood floor and paisley papered walls, was a haven for Nancy. Many times, especially during the worst of Hal’s illness, she had escaped to the kitchen in the middle of the night to sit alone at the scarred oak table, to think, or to cry. But she wasn’t alone now because Dawson had just come into the room, making it smaller with his manly presence.
She had missed having a companion, someone to share her experiences with, someone to share the passing years with. She’d never thought to have companionship and romance again. But Dawson Crane was standing in her kitchen, windblown and handsome, the warmth in his eyes tempting her to embrace all that he offered.
A slow smile tilted his mouth, and he opened his arms, beckoning her.
Drawn to the promise in his eyes, her feet moved of their own will, carrying her toward his light.
The sound of laughter and stomping feet coming from the foyer stopped her in the middle of the kitchen. Her momentary disappointment turned to a resigned smile. “So much for peace and quiet. I believe Adam and Rebecca are home and it sounds as if they brought Leo along with them.”
Dawson’s mouth quirked. “I’m learning that having a large family can be incredibly wonderful… or awkwardly intrusive.”
“That sums it up nicely, I’d say.” Sharing a private laugh, they turned together and went to the parlor to join the others.
Leo had just tugged a knit cap off his head, his long black hair falling like black raven’s wings to his shoulders. Nancy shook her head and said, “When are you going to cut your hair, Mr. Sullivan?”
Leo turned, his dark eyes lit with pleasure as he rushed into the parlor and wrapped her in a hug. “I was in such a hurry to get home to see you, Grandma, that I didn’t have time to get it cut.”
Nancy burst out laughing. “The tales you tell, Leo!” She kissed his manly cheek and took a good look at him. Leo wasn’t her family by blood, but in her heart, he was her grandson as surely as Adam was. “You’re too skinny, young man.”
“I’m fit as a fiddle, Grandma.” He charmed her with a grin that reminded her of youngest son Boyd. “I’m sure your cookies and pies will add a few inches to my waist during the holiday.”
Happiness flowed through her and she gave silent thanks for her large, rowdy, wonderful, complicated family that extended beyond her four sons and their children. It included Leo and Benny and her daughter-in-law Faith’s four outrageous aunts, who helped Duke and Faith at their greenhouse. Nancy loved them all.
When Leo turned her loose, Nancy said, “I hear you’ve got some exciting things going on in Crane Landing.”
“Yes, ma’am. I just bought my own schooner and I’m excited about restoring Destiny. And Adam’s father is following another lead on my brother Ashe that sounds promising.”
Adam’s biological father, Steven Cuvier, was a smart lawyer and a generous man who was determined to help Leo find his family.
“That’s wonderful,” Nancy said, leading them all into the parlor where they settled in around the blazing fire. “I hope this one takes you right to Ashe’s door.”
“Me, too,” he said, and she could see the heartache in Leo’s eyes. “But right now, I’m just happy to be home. Benny and I were just talking about the Christmas pageant at the orphanage and the Sleigh of Hope run.”
“The children’s Christmas pageant promises to be quite the event,” she said, releasing a laugh at the thought of all those little darlings putting on a play for the adults. She turned to Dawson. “Your ears will never be the same after the cacophony of Christmas Eve at the orphanage.”
“It’s an event I look forward to with great anticipation.” The smile on Dawson’s handsome face was so warm Nancy felt her insides melt.
“The cider!” She leapt to her feet and rushed to the kitchen where the cider was just beginning to bubble in the pan. She poured five mugs, added cinnamon sticks, and took them to the parlor.
While they all sipped their cider, Nancy and Dawson exchange private glances that warmed her more than the crackling fire.
She relaxed in her chair as Leo, Adam and Rebecca returned to their conversation and shared their plans with her and Dawson. She listened to them discuss their campaign to repair the orphanage before the Christmas pageant, and which families in Fredonia were most in need of the Sleigh of Hope this Christmas. They laughed as they shared stories of years past, of growing up in Fredonia, of times in Crane Landing. They were young and full of life, and it filled Nancy with pride to see what wonderful adults her grandchildren had become. Her gaze shifted to Dawson, who was deeply absorbed in their conversation, and she thought again of the solitary life he had lived. Dawson hadn’t had children or grandchildren, and if he married Nancy he would never experience the joy and love shared between a parent and a child.
Chapter Four
December 22, 1890
The spicy scents of cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger filled her home as Nancy worked in the kitchen with her four daughters-in-law and Rebecca. Evelyn and Amelia, Radford’s and Kyle’s wives, were sifting flour into large bowls, small puffs of it filling the air with each shake of the sifter. Faith and Claire, Duke’s and Boyd’s wives, were seated at her table, peeling apples for pie. Rebecca sat at the far end of the table mixing pie filling. The girls laughed with each other as they worked, and it brought a smile to Nancy’s face, especially when she heard the joy in Rebecca’s laughter.
Adam and Dawson were at the mill with the rest of the men. Nancy’s younger grandsons were there, too, cutting and loading slab wood onto wagons for their Sleigh of Hope run. The men would deliver several wagonloads of cut slabs to families that needed fuel to heat their homes. On Christmas Eve they would also load up two sleighs with food and clothing and deliver the goods to families who needed a helping hand this year. Nancy wished Hal could see how wonderful their family had turned out. She wished he could have lived long enough to see their sons get married to these beautiful girls and to see his grandchildren growing up. He would have been so proud.
Throughout the morning, Nancy’s six granddaughters, ranging in age from Rebecca at twenty-four to sweet little Emma, who was just over a year old, took turns helping in the kitchen. They would fetch items from the pantry and then slip into the parlor to play when they could get away from the watchful eyes of their mothers. The happiness in the air was palpable and Nancy basked in her time with her family. She scooted a chair up to the sideboard and placed six-year-old Sarah on it. “Would you like to help me with this crust?”
“Can I roll it?” Sarah asked, her long black ringlets reminding Nancy so much of Rebecca at that age.
“Of course.” Nancy sprinkled flour on the sideboard and placed the dough squarely in the center. With a generous dusting on her rolling pin, she pressed down on the dough and began to flatten it. “Watch what I’m doing here, Sarah. I’m pressing and rolling the dough at the same time. Go ahead and roll it until it’s really flat, like those pancakes your Mother makes. See, back-and-forth, back-and-forth.”
Sarah grasped either end of the rolling pin and set to work as if she’d been rolling pies for years.
Nancy gasped and looked at Evelyn.
Evelyn laughed. “Sarah loves helping in the kitchen. She can roll out dough better than I can.”
“Well, how did I miss this new talent?” Nancy asked her granddaughter, widening her eyes to show how amazed she was.
Sarah shrugged one small shoulder. “I can cut and weave the slices, too.”
Again Nancy glanced at Evelyn, but t
his time Evelyn wrinkled her nose to let Nancy know she’d better help Sarah with that task.
“My, but you are growing up too fast, Miss Sarah,” Nancy said, hugging her skinny little granddaughter and snuggling her against her side.
“You’re going to make me squash the dough, Grandma.”
Nancy laughed and her eyes filled with tears of joy. These were the moments she loved the most. She couldn’t give up this time with her grandchildren. And that’s what Dawson would be asking if she were to marry him. She simply couldn’t do it. Nor could she cheat him out of having a family of his own. But thinking about him walking away made her want to curl up in her bed and weep.
She banished the thoughts from her mind as quickly as they came. She wouldn’t let anything take away from her day with her girls. After cutting the dough into strips, she said, “All right, Sarah, let’s make the top crust now.”
Sarah took the strips of dough, and with a little help from Nancy, created the lattice top. The strips were uneven and even clumpy in places, and Sarah’s fingers were covered in flour, sugared apples, and cinnamon before they were done, but Nancy just smiled. She would choose these perfect moments over a perfect crust every time. For so many years her house had been filled with the roughhousing of raucous boys, and she’d loved every minute of it. Now she thoroughly enjoyed the teasing and laughter between her daughters and the giggling of little girls that filled her kitchen.
Chances Are Page 5