“Better yet,” she said. “I’ll get the wine, if you start the fire.”
As if they were both eager to relax in the warm glow of the fire, they rushed to tend to their tasks. The fire was just flickering to life when Nancy returned to the parlor with the wine and two glasses.
She sat and filled the glasses. Dawson brushed off his hands and joined her on the sofa. Turning to him, she said, “Wasn’t this a wonderful evening? I don’t remember the last time I had so much fun.”
“Nor can I. You can certainly shine on a dance floor. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”
“You made me look good,” she insisted.
He shook his head. “That was all you, Nancy. You’re absolutely stunning this evening.”
“Thank you, Dawson. I… I wish we could have more nights like this.”
“We can.”
She sighed. “I hope so.” And she did hope they could enjoy each other’s company for the rest of their days.
They sat quietly for a moment, each staring at the fire that was roaring to life.
The bells on the mantle clock tolled the hour of midnight. “Happy New Year, darling,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss her, gently at first and then with growing passion. He eased away slightly and placed his forehead on hers. “I think I fell in love with you the first time I met you. And I think, although you’ve never told me, that you love me, too, Nancy. I want to spend the rest of my days with you, just like this. It’s a new year, and a time for new beginnings and I want to start this year with you at my side. If you’re willing to remove that gold band from your finger, I’d be honored to replace it with a new one – one signifying our love.”
Nancy pulled back as if he’d pinched her. In all of her thinking about her feelings for Dawson, not once had she considered removing her wedding ring. The idea was unthinkable. It had been on her finger since the day Hal had placed it there when she was sixteen and she’d never intended to remove it.”
“Dawson, I… I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Now that you’ve spent time with my family, surely you can see what you are missing. I can’t in good conscience marry you and cheat you out of having a family of your own any more than I can remove my wedding band.” At his surprised look, Nancy took a deep breath and continued, “You can marry a younger woman. One who can give you the family you deserve, and the one you seem to desire, Dawson. I’m not just a mother, and a grandmother. Soon, I’ll be a great-grandmother. I’m deeply flattered by your affection, but you can find a younger woman with more to offer.”
Dawson sat back, eyebrows drawn into a scowl. “I don’t need to have children of my own, sweetheart. I already care about your family. All of them. Every one of your boys and their wives, and each and every one of your grandchildren. They are already my family. I don’t need or want to sire my own children.”
She shook her head, unable to believe this younger, handsome, millionaire wanted her. “I’m old,” she whispered. “What can you possibly see in me?”
“Have you not looked into my eyes, Nancy? Have you not seen how my eyes adore you?” To her shock, he slipped his fingers into her dangling curls. “You’re like a beautiful schooner that has weathered storms and ridden the waves. That life experience makes you as beautiful as that schooner that has sailed the ocean. Seeing a seaworthy schooner returning from a long voyage is more moving than the launch of a new ship to me. Because she brings her experiences home with her in every worn deck board and every frayed rope. And she’s beautiful. Just like you.”
Dawson grasped her hands, but she had trouble meeting his eyes, knowing that she was breaking his heart with every moment she withheld her love and her commitment from him.
“Being a grandmother, or even a great grandmother does not make you too old to be married to a man who loves you. And I do love you, Nancy.”
His words shook her resolve. But she couldn’t do this. She’d made a promise long ago that she’d been trampling all over since meeting Dawson. She had to end this, even if it broke his heart—and hers.
“Why can’t we continue as friends?” she asked. “We have such a grand time together. I can visit you when I’m in Crane Landing. And you can visit me any time you like.”
A belt of disbelieving laughter left his mouth and he stared at her. “After our time together, do you really think we could just be friends?”
“I’d like to try,” she said, because she couldn’t be any more than that.
“Nancy, I know what I’ve seen in your eyes. You’re in love with me, too. We’re comfortable together.”
“Being comfortable with someone doesn’t mean you’re in love with that person, Dawson. I’ve been in love. I know the difference. I’m not sure that you do.” Her hand flew to her mouth to cover her gasp. “I’m sorry, Dawson. I hadn’t meant to be so abrupt or inconsiderate. I was simply trying to say that Friendship is comfortable.”
“So is love.”
She shook her head. “I can’t leave Fredonia”
“Darling, I am a wealthy man. We can travel to Fredonia anytime you’d like, and we can travel to anywhere your other grandchildren or great grandchildren choose to settle. The entire world is available to you. To us. We can split our time between Fredonia and Crane Landing. Whatever you want to do. I just want to be with you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. But honestly, I feel like you’re just using your family as an excuse. This is our chance at happiness. Our chance at love. If this is something you want, then you need to put yourself first for once in your life and say yes to my proposal, yes to me, yes to love.”
Nancy’s heart raced. This was going all wrong. “I can’t say yes.” She tried to form the words to explain it to him, but her thoughts were tangled in her aching heart.
Dawson eyebrows furrowed and the look on his face told her that she’d hurt him. She knew her words had wounded him. She looked into his eyes and saw his heart breaking. His eyes darkened and he sat back on the sofa. “I think I understand,” he said, his voice hollow. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to marry a man who wanders the house at night so confused he doesn’t know his own name.”
“What?” Her breath sailed out and she shot to her feet in outrage. “How could you think such a thing? If you actually believe this, then you don’t know me at all. I can’t marry you, Dawson, because I’m still in love with Hal, and I’ll never remove his ring!”
Dawson reeled back from her as though she’s slapped him. The startled look on his face told her that he hadn’t expected such a response. It wasn’t how she had intended to answer him, but his offensive comment had ignited her temper. Still, tears filled her eyes when she saw the pain in his eyes, and she cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle the sob that threatened to escape.
Inch by inch, Dawson gathered himself up and gave her a curt nod. “I guess I have my answer then. If you’ll excuse me, my leg is aching and I need to retire.” With a final nod to her, he limped from the parlor and closed his door behind him.
Nancy sank onto the sofa, unable to breathe. Her words had come out all wrong! She hadn’t meant to hurt him. But she had.
And Dawson’s heart wasn’t the only one breaking.
Chapter Seventeen
January 1, 1891
As the first morning of a new year dawned with grays skies and freezing temps, Nancy contemplated lying in the bed the entire day. Her eyes felt puffy and her head ached from lack of sleep. But she needed to get up and make an apology to Dawson.
She’d been unintentionally cruel. She hadn’t meant to hurt him or to be so abrupt or unkind. But she’d needed to tell him the truth. She was still in love with Hal. And she always would be.
But despite her need to talk with Dawson, the urge to bury herself beneath the covers and sleep until her broken heart healed was tempting. This heavy, lifeless feeling was similar to how she’d felt when Hal died. She had holed up in her room and had lain in bed for hours on end, grieving his loss. She’d stayed in her room f
or days after, barely able to take care of her boys, and shutting out the rest of the world. Even after Martha Fiske had coaxed Nancy out of her room, she didn’t leave her house for weeks. Her home and her bed had been her refuge from the overwhelming grief of losing Hal. She’d thought she’d never experience that kind of pain again, but here she was, tempted to pull the covers back over her head and shut out the world.
She had to let Dawson go. The fact that she’d refused him and denied her love for him didn’t make losing him any less painful. She wasn’t sure she could look at Dawson over the breakfast table and see the heartbreak that she felt mirrored in his eyes, but it was important that she maintain appearances, at least until Adam and Rebecca left. Then she could shut herself away and mourn the loss of the second love of her life.
So Nancy dragged herself out of the bed and washed up. She held a cool washcloth to her eyes, hoping to reduce some of the puffiness. She didn’t want to invite questions she couldn’t answer. But as she looked in the mirror, she sighed. Her hair was an unruly mess of auburn curls streaked with silver, darting this way and that out from her head, a result of being left down overnight. It took her several minutes to brush out the knots and to braid her hair. Too tired to pin it up, she left the braid hanging down her back. She pulled on her green day dress and her house slippers. Placing her hand on the door handle, she drew in a deep breath and whispered a silent prayer for strength to make it through just one more day, and then she pulled open the door.
As she passed Dawson’s room, she noticed the door open and the room empty. All the little touches that had made it Dawson’s room, his black sweater draped over the back of the dressing table chair, his dome-crowned bowler hooked over the top corner of the mirror, his shaving gear that used to sit on the table beside a bowl and pitcher, were gone. Not one piece of clothing lay strewn on the side chair, not one of his socks was left lying under the bed. Even the silly slippers that she had knit him for Christmas were gone. She shouldn’t have been surprised. The way she’d ended things last night, so harshly and so abruptly, she couldn’t blame him for leaving. Still, it crushed her to know he was really gone—and that she hadn’t been able to give him the apology he deserved.
She walked into the bedroom, feeling the emptiness of the room reflecting the emptiness of her heart. She sat at the dressing table, imagining Dawson sitting here. She imagined him sitting on this very stool combing his hair, or running a razor over his ruddy cheek. She imagined him looking in this very mirror the night before, preparing for what he thought would be a wonderful night that ended with her saying yes to his proposal. Instead, Nancy had shattered that hope. And now he was gone.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. She ran her hands over the lace cover of the dressing table and her finger brushed up against something. She picked up his cufflink and felt her heart cramp. Dawson must have overlooked it in his haste to leave her house. When had he departed? Late last night? Early this morning? And where had he gone?
Tansy and Cyrus lived just down the street. Perhaps he’d gone there to spend the last day with Leo and his family.
Nancy fingered the beautiful mother-of-pearl cufflink that Dawson had worn with his suit the night before. The night when she told him in no uncertain terms that she still loved her husband Hal. And she wasn’t lying, because she would always love Hal. But that wasn’t the entire truth because she lied when she told Dawson that they could be friends. Quite the opposite was true, because she literally ached with love for the man who had left her home and her life for good.
“Grandma?”
Nancy snapped her head up to see Rebecca standing in the doorway.
“Is anything wrong?” Rebecca asked, her expression filled with concern. “Where’s Dawson?”
“He left.” It’s all she could manage to say without her voice breaking or tears flooding her eyes.
For a moment, Rebecca said nothing, and then she released a quiet, “Oh…” as if to indicate she understood that something significant had happened and that Nancy couldn’t talk about it. “Can I get you anything? A cup of tea perhaps? Adam and I thought we’d make breakfast for you this morning. Why don’t you relax in the parlor and I’ll make some tea and bring it in for you?”
Nancy nodded because her throat was too thick to say more.
While Rebecca headed to the kitchen, Nancy sat another moment at the dressing table, wanting to retain her connection with Dawson as long as possible. As she stood, she tucked his forgotten cufflink, a small reminder of what she’d had and thrown away, in the pocket of her dress.
Chapter Eighteen
January 2, 1891
For as much as Nancy had wanted to be alone with her heartache, she had appreciated Adam and Rebecca’s company more than they knew. They’d had a quick breakfast and now Adam and Rebecca were preparing for their trip back to Crane Landing. Nancy wanted to pull them into her arms and keep them right there in Fredonia, with her, but she knew she had to let her babies go. It was time for them to live their own lives wherever they chose to make their home.
Adam and Rebecca were returning to Crane Landing. Nancy could only hope that they would provide some comfort to Dawson when they returned. She hoped he wouldn’t sequester himself away in his house again, and she quietly asked Rebecca to check in on him.
The morning was hectic, with a last minute scramble to pack up part and parcel for their return to Crane Landing. While Adam and Radford loaded their bags, Nancy wrapped Rebecca in a warm hug.
“Are you sure you have everything,” she asked as Adam took another bag outside.
“We do, Grandma. And thank you for allowing us to stay with you,” Rebecca said.
“Well, that was purely selfish on my part. It was wonderful having so much time together this Christmas. I’m so going to miss you while you’re in Crane Landing. But your mother and I will be coming in early June, so we’ll be there for the birth of that precious little one.”
“Thank you, Grandma, but I do hope we’ll see you much sooner than that,” Rebecca said.
Adam bounded back inside, followed by Radford. Adam swept Nancy up in a tight hug. “You take care of yourself, Grandma, and remember you’re welcome to come stay with us anytime.”
Before she started weeping, she kissed his cheek and told him to get going before they missed their train. They still had to stop and pick up Leo.
With a final hug from each of them, Adam escorted Rebecca out to the carriage. Radford remained behind, shaking his head. “I can’t believe I’m putting her on a train to leave town without me. Again. It’s painful to watch my little girl leave.”
Nancy leaned into her son and hugged his lean waist. “I understand. It broke my heart when I watched you leaving with William for the war. All I could do was pray that you would return safely to me. And then when you left after your father’s funeral, I thought I’d lost you. I understood why you had to leave and I knew that when the time and the circumstances were right, you’d find your way back home. You did, and you brought that beautiful little girl with you. And she has turned into this strong, beautiful woman who is following her heart and the man she loves. And that’s exactly what our children are supposed to do. Even when it breaks our hearts.”
Radford gave her a warm hug. “I know you’re right, but it doesn’t make it any easier to let them go.”
She laughed. “No, it doesn’t. But dawdling in here and making them miss their train isn’t going to keep them here in Fredonia, son. Now get going.”
He chuckled and stepped back. “I’ll swing around later tonight to check on you, Mom. Maybe then you can tell me why I’m not taking Dawson to the station, too.”
Unexpected tears stung her eyes and she tried to blink them away. “His plans changed and he headed back a little early.”
A doubtful look crossed Radford’s face. “As long as that’s all it was. You’ll let me know if I need to take a trip to Crane Landing and have a conversation with the man?”
“Gracious
, no, Radford. Dawson has been a complete gentleman. But thank you for caring, and for taking such good care of me. Now, you get out of here. You can’t keep Rebecca and Adam from returning to Crane Landing just by making them late for their train. And you and Evelyn need to get a move on if you’re going to make your own train to Niagara Falls.”
Radford laughed. “All right, Mother. Josh is at the house with the kids now, and will bring them over shortly. Thank you for taking on all of our rascals while we’re gone. I can’t remember the last time Evelyn and I had time alone. There is always one child or the other underfoot. She’s actually worried that we’ll be bored. I assured her that I have plenty of ideas to keep us busy while we’re there.” With a wink, Radford headed out the door.
Nancy stood in the doorway and watched as he leapt onto the driver’s seat of the carriage beside Boyd. With a quick flick of the reins, Boyd started their horses on the way to Dunkirk, taking with them her daughter-in-law and two oldest grandchildren. She stood watching long after she’d lost sight of their wagon. She stood watching until the wind and the cold forced her to close the door to her empty house.
Dawson shifted on the hard train station bench. He pulled up the collar of his coat against the wind and the cold. He tucked his valise under his elbow and leaned his head on his hand, wishing his head would quit aching. But his mind was racing and he couldn’t quiet it. After the disastrous New Year’s Eve with Nancy, he’d left the next morning and taken a room at the Taylor House in the village. He’d spent a restless night reliving his time with Nancy and asking himself questions that couldn’t be answered. This morning, he’d taken a street car to the Dunkirk train station where he would meet Leo and Adam and Rebecca. They would all return to Crane Landing together. Without Nancy.
As Dawson waited for them to arrive, he contemplated the situation with Nancy and how he might have handled it more gently. He’d pushed her. He knew that. But hearing Nancy declare that she still loved Hal and wouldn’t remove his ring had left Dawson stunned. As her words sank in, he literally couldn’t speak. It wasn’t that she still loved Hal that upset Dawson, but rather that she felt she didn’t have a right to love again.
Chances Are Page 18