Social media can make us feel, perhaps ironically, really isolated.
“You see all these other people that you’re friends with, and they’re doing all of these things,” Michael says. “Only, you see the good things they post on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, and it just makes you feel like your life isn’t as meaningful as theirs is. And that can be a pretty lonely feeling.”
In addition to Michael pointing out, like so many of his peers, that people only post about “the good things” on social media, his talk of the loneliness, the isolation, and even the feeling of meaninglessness this can provoke was also common commentary during my interviews. Students talked of this strange, vicious cycle that being on social media regularly draws them into—the constant going online to check out what everyone else is doing and what your friends are up to, only to find that this very form of “socializing” ends up making them feel all the lonelier, even though—at least in theory—connectivity is one of the central ideas (if not the central idea) behind social media.2
Michael has such strong opinions on all of this that I ask if he also felt this way when he was an avid Facebook user. “I did,” he responds. “I think that stuff has gone away a lot, now that I’ve been off it. It’s just, you know, highs and lows. I personally don’t really like it.”
LAURA, MATTHEW, AND HANNAH: SEEING EVERYBODY’S HAPPINESS IS JUST PART OF THE DEAL
Not all young people are as conflicted as Margaret and Michael. Plenty just accept that comparing oneself to others is a fact of social media. Having a window into other people’s lives is what you sign up for, so either deal with it or quit (if you can manage to).
Laura, for example, a junior at a private northeastern university, is very conscious of how everyone compares themselves to others on social media, but she seems like a detached observer—she’s interested in (and a little disgusted by) the phenomenon but doesn’t let it get to her much.
But there are many things that bother Laura about how social media is changing our lives: the fact that everyone is constantly on their phones, how everyone is obsessed with taking pictures of everything they do so they can post them and prove what they’ve done. “With social media you just never get to live in the moment,” Laura says. “You remember things by the picture that you took, not by the memories that you actually made there.”
Why is everyone so obsessed with documenting everything they do? Because there is a competition going on. “I feel like some people are more worried about, ‘What are other people doing compared to what I’m doing right now? Am I doing something better than somebody else? Oh, yeah. I’m awesome!’ Or, ‘Is somebody else doing something better than I am right now, so I should be doing something better than what I’m doing right now?’ It’s one-upping people,” Laura goes on. “People try and one-up each other all the time.” Laura says that the only thing her friends do these days is “sit around and drink and take pictures of each other and post it on Instagram.” Then once the picture is up, they compare who got more “likes” and comments and replies. People post not because they want to share about their lives, according to Laura. They are posting, instead, to prove how superior they are.
“It’s exhausting, it really is,” Laura says, referring to the competition she sees online. “I mean, it’s not necessarily like, ‘My Instagram is better than your Instagram,’ but they want to one-up people to show, like, ‘I’m in a better place than you are and I want to prove that to you and show you that I’m extremely happy,’ kind of thing. Like, ‘I’m doing better. I’m in a better place and I’m much happier than you are.’ ”
Laura makes an active effort not to get caught up in this. But she worries how much people’s self-image and self-esteem are based on comparing themselves to others online. “You kind of get a false image of people and you kind of judge people based on what you see instead of really getting to know the person,” she says.
And seeing all of those false “happy” images can really pull a person into a vicious cycle, Laura thinks.
Matthew, a sophomore baseball player at a mainline Protestant university, feels a lot like Laura does about people comparing themselves to others on social media—the fact of it and the frequency of it. He doesn’t find this crushing personally, but he worries about the trend and its effect on his generation. People fall into this particular trap when they try to “prove” their college experience is amazing. This is something I heard over and over again from other students, too.
“Basically, you never see anyone that’s not at a party,” Matthew says. “It’s always a party, a picture of a party or a picture of doing something cool or, you know, drinking or smoking or something like that.” Matthew thinks this “warps” people’s perception of what college is like—though it’s not entirely misleading because these things do happen. “You very rarely see someone posting pictures of them[selves] studying, you know, in the library,” he tells me, laughing. “It’s not something that’s really exciting, so it’s not something they would share probably.”
Everyone wants to show how exciting college is, how much fun they’re having, how happy the whole experience is. It’s not that they aren’t happy in these moments; it’s that these are the only moments they show, and that gives a distorted picture of what college is really like.
Matthew points out that the Animal House portrayal of college life goes way back, and that you can see this in the special collections section of his university’s library. There, you can find picture after picture of the Greeks on campus from decades ago, partying and pulling pranks. But social media is highlighting what everyone has always thought—and remembered—about the college experience in a very new way, one that is far more constant and publicly accessible. You no longer need to go to the special collections section to see evidence of the pranks and the parties. Now you can click and click and click some more—every few minutes if you feel compelled. In fact, you don’t even have to go looking for it; as soon as you log on, there it is, in your face, in a never-ending stream.
Even when they’re not posting party pictures, people present airbrushed versions of their lives, Matthew thinks. His peers post only their successes—never their failures. They post about a vacation or a brand-new car, things that show themselves in a positive—and also financially well-off—light. Because of social media, we all seem more materialistic. People like to show off their most recent acquisitions. “Whenever somebody gets something new or nice, it’s like [it] end[s] up being discussed on Facebook or Twitter.” The same goes for sports, Matthew tells me. “You don’t post the moments that you aren’t successful in, so it seems like everyone’s being successful, based on their posts. It would seem like it’s easy to be successful because that’s what everyone is posting. No one’s posting their failures on Facebook.”
What are the repercussions of seeing so much success, so constantly, on social media? It has a huge effect on us, Matthew believes—a negative one.
“I feel like maybe people get defeated a lot easier now. Like, if … .somebody’s posted on Facebook that they went undefeated [in a sport] this season, when that other person who reads that loses a game, they’re like, ‘Wow, what went wrong?’ Like, ‘Why couldn’t I go undefeated?’ ” Matthew worries that the stream of success on social media warps our sense of what is realistic to expect from our lives and also damages our ability to come back from failure. It saps our resilience. “If something doesn’t go their way, they’ll give up easier, with all the social media making it seem like success is so easy. I know a few people here that have not had great success balancing their social lives and school and so they want to transfer somewhere else… . Giving up on situations are almost a go-to when success isn’t right there, handed to you.”
In Matthew’s view, comparing ourselves to those perfect, happy images has a negative effect on our overall emotional state and sense of self. “Even if you’re not judging the person that you’re viewing on social media,” Matthew says, “you’
re probably comparing that person’s life to your life. So if you see twelve people in a row that are having amazing times and you’re not doing so hot, I’m sure that makes that person feel terrible. I know I’ve scrolled through and seen people doing all these fun things, and I’d be sitting at home on my couch alone and I’d be like, ‘Aw, I really wish I was there. Like, why am I so lame?’ ” Matthew pauses at this point and backtracks a bit to think about how social media can positively affect people’s happiness. “The only positive way would be from when you post something and people relate to it and ‘like’ it,” he explains. “But I feel that probably doesn’t happen near as much as when people just get on to scroll through and compare themselves to others.”
Then there’s Hannah, a pretty, blonde sophomore at a public university in the Southeast. Hannah describes herself as introverted. “I have also heard that I come off very intense, and that’s kind of intimidating for people,” she explains. “I get really frustrated in social relationships because the relationship always ends up being one-sided because I care about everything I do in my life. I want everything to be very perfect. And I think in social situations, I try to do the same thing, and I am very picky about people. So it’s hard because I end up putting so much effort in and the other person ends up not putting as much effort in, and it gets really frustrating for me.”
This struggle of Hannah’s turns out to be a recipe for disaster on social media. She is not a fan of social media and tells me she almost never posts. If there is a major life event, she might put something on Facebook. She thinks the whole thing is really shallow. She thinks people are mean to each other, too. Hannah mentions that she was once the victim of cyberbullying—a girl from school wouldn’t stop calling her a slut. Hannah doesn’t want to talk about it much except to say that, looking back, she wishes she hadn’t let that girl get to her, that she should have known better and had enough strength to brush it off.
Hannah wishes she didn’t compare herself to other people either, but she can’t help it. “This has actually been a source of conflict in my life right now because my roommate just got into one of the top sororities on campus,” Hannah says. “Only the best get crowned, and they wear tiaras and call each other princesses. They have to look a certain way all the time, and so she’s always done up and she’s also, like, ninety pounds, not even five feet. I think she’s, like, four nine. She’s tiny.” Hannah sighs heavily. “I’m not four eleven and I’m not ninety pounds, so I mean, I think we’re all subject to beauty standards, and when she posts pictures online, she gets two hundred ‘likes,’ three hundred ‘likes,’ and I don’t want to compare myself to it, but I end up doing it anyway.” Being on her roommate’s profiles makes Hannah feel bad about herself. She asks herself why she doesn’t get that many “likes.” Is it her weight, or because she’s not in that ultraprestigious sorority? “And it’s not just her that I do it with,” Hannah admits. “I do it with all other girls.”
Hannah thinks that social media is simply a vehicle for people to “show off.” She even believes that it makes us show off, that it draws out that side of everybody. Social media is about people constantly going, “Look at me, look what I’m doing, look where I am, look at these fancy vacations I went on, look at this business trip that was paid for,” Hannah says. She thinks people’s reasons for posting this show-offy stuff are suspect. They’re not doing it for themselves; they’re doing it expressly so that other people will compare themselves and feel bad as a result. All that posting is very inauthentic, she believes.
But the thing is, all the rationalization and wishing in the world doesn’t save Hannah from feeling bad about herself when she goes online. And she knows it.
ROB: LIVING FOR “LIKES” (AND WHY GIRLS GET MORE OF THEM)
“I’m a very active user,” Rob tells me the moment we begin to talk about social media. Rob means Facebook, specifically—he’s dedicated to Facebook above all other social media platforms. “Just walking from my class to here, I checked Facebook, and it’s kind of an addiction. I don’t care what other people really have to say on Facebook, so why am I looking through the newsfeed?” he wonders. But then Rob goes on to point out the benefits of Facebook. “I use it to show that I have a life, I guess. That I know people. It’s kind of an ego boost.”
Rob is a tall, gangly runner on his northeastern Catholic university’s track team. He’s incredibly nice—immediately likable—but it’s also evident that he is insecure. Rob’s tells me he’s extremely social, to the point that he can barely get his food at the cafeteria because on his way inside he is always stuck socializing “for an hour” with all the people he knows. Rob’s life centers on family and friends—they are what bring him happiness. Rob doesn’t like being alone. In fact, being alone is what makes him unhappy. He mentions over and over that people are important to him—making people laugh, feeling close to others, and feeling like he’s an important part of people’s lives.
When he talks about using Facebook for an “ego boost,” Rob is referring to status updates. “It’s almost like I’d make statuses just to see how many people I can get to ‘like’ them, even though it’s kind of superficial and it doesn’t mean really anything.” Rob’s comment that the “likes” don’t mean much seems like a reflex action, and I heard similar comments from many other students. Yet Rob is very conscious of how many he gets. The more I heard students discuss the problem of comparing oneself to others, the more it became clear that “likes” are at the heart of it.
My discussion with Rob is lengthy, and the issue of “likes” comes up often—more than in any other interview I conducted. “If I post a picture of myself at a cross-country race with my best friends, and thirty people ‘like’ it, if thirty people care about it, I’m like, ‘Look how cool I am.’ But then if nobody ‘likes’ it, then it’s kind of like, ‘Aw, I’m not that cool.’ That’s how I use it, to gauge how many people like you.”
I mention to Rob that, while he just said that “likes” aren’t important, they do sound important to him. “Yeaaaaaaah,” he says, drawing out the word. “Yeah… . I noticed my friend, just the other day he changed his profile picture, and he called me to tell me to go ‘like’ it, and I’m like, ‘Why do you need me [to]? You know I’m your friend. Of course I like you.’ I guess he just wants to see what it looks like online. The higher the amount of ‘likes,’ the cooler you look; the more people think you’re cool. So, I guess, should it mean anything? I guess I do care because I know I have a lot of friends, but it’s kind of nice to see it officially written down.” Rob laughs a little, nervous to admit this. He wishes “likes” didn’t mean anything to him and his friends, but they do. People can’t help caring about them. “It’s interesting to see which people ‘like’ [a certain status]. If your close friends ‘like’ it, you’re like, ‘Thank you.’ But then if someone you don’t talk to much, ‘likes’ it, you’re like, ‘Oh, maybe I should talk to that person more,’ or ‘They actually care about me.’ So it’s kind of complicated.” When I tell Rob it sounds as though he’s always looking for evidence that people are paying attention, he agrees, and adds, “And I don’t need that. I have so many friends to hang out with that, if somebody doesn’t like me, I’m not going to let it bother me. But on Facebook, I’ll post just to see how many people care… . It’s almost, like, subconsciously just posting to see who ‘likes’ it.”3
Rob doesn’t really care if the “likes” are for an anonymous post either—as long as he knows it’s his post, he feels satisfied. Yik Yak is enormously popular on his campus, and Rob is an active participant. People can “like” something on Yik Yak, Rob tells me, “and that doesn’t give you any public awards or recognition, but you could just see, ‘Oh, this many people “like” what I say or think I’m funny, and it’s an ego boost. If a hundred people ‘like’ my [anonymous] tweet about [the food at my school], then I’ll be like, ‘Oh wow, people “like” or agree with me or they think I’m cool.’ Like, if I were to do this i
n real life, they’d like me. Subconsciously you’re just looking for ‘likes’ because ‘likes’ have a monetary value, it seems, even though they don’t. It just seems like the more ‘likes’ you get, the better you feel.”
I ask Rob if this affects the kinds of statuses he posts, and he hems and haws, at first saying not really, that he doesn’t spend hours crafting statuses or anything. But he soon goes on to say, “If I have something to post, I’ll figure out how to word it to get the most attention.” I ask what he means by this, and Rob explains he wants to make sure that his post is cool or funny, as opposed to boring and straightforward. You would never simply state, “I have a cross-country race on Saturday,” he tells me, because it wouldn’t get many likes. But, Rob explains, if he names which schools are participating in the race and adds “Go [Northeastern Catholic]!” or “Let’s get it!” the post will get more recognition. “The way you word [a post] affects how many ‘likes’ you get,” Rob says.
Rob eventually admits that, ideally, he will only post things that get a lot of “likes.” “Once I actually deleted a status because it got zero ‘likes,’ ” he says with a chuckle. Afterward, he thought to himself that he shouldn’t have posted it in the first place. If nobody “likes” something, it isn’t even worth saying. “I might as well just delete it, so if people click on your profile, they could see the good stuff you posted, not something that got nothing.”
This discussion of potentially deleting posts based on the response from others (or lack of one) prompts Rob to expand on his theory of “liking”—as in, what kinds of things will help a person maximize “likes”? Rob thinks he has a good handle on how the system works—and how to “game” the system. “People like jokes,” he says. Though they don’t just like any jokes, he clarifies. “If you post a funny joke that people can relate to, then it gets a lot of ‘likes.’ But if you post an inside joke, nobody will get it. Nobody will ‘like’ it. You have to really feed into your audience, so it’s kind of like a big game … . like a big pointless game,” he adds with another laugh.
The Happiness Effect Page 5