Try as students may, most of them can’t seem to not care about these things.
Then I meet Avery, a junior at a southern university, who thinks that social media can be a competitive place—in a “subconscious way,” she claims. “People are just trying to put flattering things about themselves online, and then, everyone else is trying to keep up. That makes people competitive.”
Avery and I have a long conversation about the kinds of things you should post—and shouldn’t post—to maintain a positive appearance. But something Avery says strikes me as particularly revealing of the plight I keep hearing described about being subjected to how awesome and amazing everybody else is doing, seemingly all the time—this constant stream of “Look at me! I’m so happy!” that can affect people emotionally in negative ways. As students compulsively check their accounts all day, every day—when they wake up, at breakfast, when they’re walking to classes, when they’re in class, while they’re with their friends, even while they’re at sports practices and games, certainly before bed and sometimes in the middle of the night—it pains and exhausts them.
“I think it can damage self-esteem because you’re comparing everything about your life, the good stuff and the bad stuff, to just the good stuff of everyone else’s lives that you see online,” Avery says, reminding me of Emma’s similar remarks.
A strange kind of relational triangle can develop as a result. When someone goes to check in on everyone else, they bring all sides of themselves to the table as they are scrolling and lurking—the happy, secure sides, but also the unhappy, the struggling, and sometimes the depressed sides. But you see only the happy side of everyone else, “and then you feel really crappy in comparison,” Avery says. Being confronted with so much joy and showing off can send your self-esteem into a spiral. Avery thinks that when people go on social media, they often forget that the people whose posts and photos they are looking at also have “bad stuff” going on, and that they’re just not showing it. “I think [the people scrolling need to] talk themselves into realizing that everyone has good stuff and bad stuff going on in their lives, but people don’t normally stop to filter through everything they’re thinking, they just think it and feel it. They don’t reason.”
And that can really get a person down.
COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS: A KIND OF SICKNESS WE SUFFER
We don’t need social media to compare ourselves to other people or to worry about others’ responses to what we say or do. Engaging in status competitions is nothing new. It’s common, especially when we’re young (though adults are certainly not exempt). We compare our looks, our hairstyles, our opportunities, our friends, our successes and failures, where we’ve traveled (or haven’t), where we’ve gone to school, where we’re from, our clothes, and all sorts of material objects. The list goes on and on. We seek approval and affirmation all the time.
The difference with social media is that it seems expressly designed for this purpose of showing off, for bragging and boasting of all that one is, has, and does, as well as for others to judge these things. Facebook is the CNN of envy, a kind of 24/7 news cycle of who’s cool, who’s not, who’s up, and who’s down. In the process of showing off our successes and proving how happy we are, we are exposing ourselves to others’ highlight reels, too, and to the possibility of rejection. Unless you have rock-solid self-esteem, are impervious to jealousy, or have an extraordinarily rational capacity to remind yourself exactly what everyone is doing when they post their glories on social media, it’s difficult not to care.
The title of the actress and comedian Mindy Kaling’s first memoir, Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns), not only reflects her trademark humor, but it aptly captures this common pain, so much so that I borrowed it for this chapter.6 There is even a special acronym to capture the phenomenon of so much comparing ourselves to others today: FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), a kind of suffering that comes from witnessing the amazing times other people are having without you, and perhaps have intentionally not invited you to join.7 Some of us are really good at protecting ourselves from such comparisons, or at least being ambivalent about them, but many of us are vulnerable to this particular suffering, and social media exacerbates and escalates it to levels that most of us have never before experienced, nor have the emotional resources to withstand—at least not so consistently and constantly.8
There are benefits to this, though. All those “likes” and “retweets” and “shares” can make us feel like mini-celebrities, at least for a moment.
Before social media, we may have sat in a classroom admiring someone’s stylish outfit, or wishing we had a cute boyfriend, too, or that we had gotten to go to that fun party on Friday night. But there was only so much we could see and hear about. With social media, people can log on again and again, stare and envy and obsess as long as they like, and not only know that someone has a cute boyfriend but peruse all the gorgeous pictures of him, not only hear there was a party on Friday but see the hundreds of photos of people having a blast without them.
In the online survey, students were asked to respond either “yes,” “no,” or “not applicable” to a series of statements about how they feel/are/act/what they do when they go onto social media. One of those statements was “I find myself comparing myself to others a lot.” Of the students who responded, 55 percent said yes and 43 percent said no (2 percent answered not applicable).9 Well over half do this type of comparing regularly, but when it came to responding to the statement “It’s important that others see me as having a good time,” only 35 percent of these same respondents said yes, and a whopping 60 percent answered no.10 So while the majority indicate that they often compare themselves to others, at the same time they do not believe they are “showing off,” as Hannah might put it. Even though many students complained during the interviews about all the boasting, bragging, and competition they see on social media, and the one-upping that Laura spoke so much about, only about a third of students in the online survey admitted that they actively care about others perceiving them in a particularly good way. This disconnect is apparent when when Rob talks about “likes.” He is obviously obsessed with them, but he doesn’t want to admit that he is.
In an optional open-ended essay question that asked students if they ever find themselves comparing themselves to others and/or feeling that they’re missing out on something, just over half of the 320 students who chose to answer said they feel this way. The tone tended toward the exasperated, with answers such as, “Well, obviously I feel these things.” One reply even began with “Duh!” Students who answered yes often added a comment such as “This makes me sad” or “It usually makes me feel bad about myself.” Not only does it make them upset, but the fact that they care makes them feel even worse. “I wish I didn’t do this,” one wrote. “I try not to do this but I can’t seem to help myself,” added another. Students assess the behavior as depressing, upsetting, or a “bad habit”; they indicated that it makes them feel “pressured,” inferior, behind, or “not pretty enough,” and that it “messes” with people.
Only fifty students (16 percent) claimed that they’d never compared themselves to others or felt left out. Even those who said “I used to do it, but not anymore” talked about how they “got themselves over” this tendency, as though they’d healed themselves of a terrible habit, a kind of sickness that comes with social media. Some students suffer far worse than others. When students talk about feeling inferior on social media—even if only rarely or in their past—they discuss it as if it is an affliction, one that comes with the territory. And a number of students commented on how comparing oneself to others and having feelings of being left out are simply human tendencies that have been heightened to an unhealthy degree by social media.
As much as so many students try not to succumb, the phenomenon of comparing oneself to others—and the feelings of missing out that come with this behavior—seems to be one of the most common experiences of being on social me
dia. Getting “likes” (and “retweets” and “shares”) is a central part of the performance of perfection and positivity. Not only does it prove that you “are,” as Rob might put it, but it also is a quantifiable mark of success and affirmation (part and parcel of that “popularity principle” that Van Dijck talks about)—it confirms that you are performing your social media duties well. On the flip side, the inability to obtain quantifiable public approval is a source of shame. It shows everyone not only that you are irrelevant, but also that you are performing poorly in the endeavor to showcase only your best efforts, your greatest successes, your most attractive traits, both physical and personal—that even when you are making your best effort, you still can’t measure up to the competition. For especially sensitive and vulnerable students like Margaret and Michael, the only option seems to be fleeing social media altogether, or at least nearly, so they can hang on to some semblance of emotional well-being.
Of course, the pressure students feel to post positive things about themselves only serves to heighten the experience that Emma so vividly described as comparing the worse version of herself to the best version of everybody else. What’s more, students not only are acutely aware that they are being judged every minute of the day by their peers but they also know that they might be judged later on by people with even greater power over them: potential employers.
2
THE PROFESSIONALIZATION OF FACEBOOK
(AND WHY EVERYONE SHOULD KEEP THEIR OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES)
I have heard a lot about being professional and trying to avoid any pictures that may jeopardize obtaining a job. Since I am a college student in a global economy along with a recession, I am well aware of the little details and how they can be a deal-breaker for my postcollege life.
Branson, junior, Catholic university
I’ve been briefly coached on being careful about posting negative things and how such negative posts will reflect on my personality to potential employers.
Ari, first-year, private-secular university
As an athlete, we are given strict instructions on posting. They teach us about our personal brand and image, and how one negative post can have lasting impacts [sic].
Isabel, senior, evangelical Christian college
AAMIR: MAINTAINING A SPOTLESS RECORD
Aamir is a tall, dark-eyed first-year student at a private university in the Southwest. He’s sincere and direct, and he approaches our interview as he might an important exam. Aamir is a political science major, and it isn’t long before he tells me that a political career is in his future. In fact, it’s nearly the first thing he mentions, and he mentions it repeatedly. He talks about the importance of his community and his “constituents” as though he is already a seasoned politician. Aamir is very active both on campus and online—he’s on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram—and he keeps his political future in mind every time he posts (or decides not to). In fact, Aamir’s teachers have been preparing him for years to put his best foot forward by making sure that his behavior on social media is “spotless.” Future politicians can’t afford any missteps—not even while they’re in middle school.
Aamir is one of the few students I meet who posts about politics (he’s a left-leaning Democrat, he tells me), but he’s still very careful about what he says and where he says it. He will post about politics only on Twitter. “Most of my tweets are pretty left-leaning, and I don’t think that’s going to change for a very long time, so I’m not worried about posting things that are honest ideologically,” Aamir says. “But I just don’t write a post that might make me seem irresponsible. So, for the most part my tweets are pretty dry.” For Aamir, the revelation that Mitt Romney bullied a classmate in high school is enough of a cautionary tale to warn him off unseemly behavior—or, at least, leaving a record of it. “If you post stuff like that on social media, it’s permanent,” he comments. “The risk that, you know, someone could look at it in the future and then take that edge as your character is far greater. So I think that the world we live in now is a lot more dangerous especially with social media.” For Aamir, “danger” and “risk” on social media have nothing to do with bullying or predatory behavior. They are about public perceptions of one’s character. That Aamir goes so far as to perceive social media as a “dangerous” force because of the threat it poses to a person’s reputation is indicative of his intense fear of making any missteps. One post could cost him his dreams. “I’m sure there will be a lot of folks that run [for political office] in the future,” he says. “Or probably that are running now, that are right now posting things that are, you know, less than favorable to their image. But, you know, I try to have as spotless of an image as possible.”
I ask Aamir if he has always tried to have a “spotless image” on social media, and he informs me that his efforts started back in middle school, and that “spotlessness” was mandated in high school. “I became a part of student council in my high school, and our high school’s student council was extremely strict, especially if you were in leadership, with the stuff that you can put on social media,” he explains. “They had a very similar philosophy that the leaders should have, you know, spotless images on social media at home or wherever you are. So I think that really taught me how to avoid certain things and just not put it on social media.”
Aamir learned this from one of his advisers—and from the mistakes his peers in student government made. If a member of the student council posted something improper, in addition to forcing the student to take down the offending post, the adviser took disciplinary action. The policy “was pretty strict, and it was definitely pushed,” according to Aamir. It wasn’t only the advisers that pushed it, either. “Sometimes the other students would try to keep you on track or report you if you didn’t do what you were supposed to,” Aamir says.
There are peer enforcers everywhere now—in sororities and fraternities, certainly, but even in student government. The Greeks are trying to protect the chapter’s reputation on campus so they can continue to party however they want, whereas Aamir’s fellow student politicians are trying to catch each other out because they’re in competition. Just as we see presidential candidates playing up an opponent’s errors and missteps for all they’re worth, these students stand to benefit from the mistakes of their peers. The public nature of social media offers lessons in these tactics to the very young and politically minded.
Aamir thinks this was excellent preparation for his future. He’s grateful to have gotten such social media training at an early age—he feels like he’s dodged a bullet, and that it gives him an edge over peers who haven’t been as careful for as long. Aamir is always thinking about the competition he faces, and social media offers him a constant reminder that competitors are always ready and waiting to steal the spotlight if they can. He wasn’t always so careful online, though.
There was a time, early on in middle school, when Aamir used to swear and make vulgar jokes on social media. I ask him if he’s done a “Facebook Cleanup” of these unbecoming remarks—something that many college students tell me they’ve done—and I’m surprised when he tells me no, he thinks they’re still there. Because Aamir was so young (around seventh grade), he thinks if people found those posts now, they’d give him a pass. “I feel like it’s excusable,” he says. But then he looks at me intently and asks, “I mean, now that you’ve mentioned it, is there a way to clean stuff up?” I explain that there isn’t a program you can download as far as I know—I’ve just heard other students discussing their Facebook Cleanups.
Aamir seems slightly disappointed.
After his teachers started helping him pay attention to how he operates on social media, Aamir developed a set of rules for his posts: no swearing, nothing overtly sexual, and no posting about emotions—unless they’re positive ones. Aamir limits his political posts to Twitter because he feels that Twitter is the place where political posts are the most accepted, whereas on Facebook you have to be far more careful about posting an
ything provocative. Also, Aamir is running for office in his university’s student government this coming spring, and most students from his school are on Facebook. “I try to avoid posting things on Facebook because it might, you know, blow up my chance of getting elected,” he says. Aamir’s college peers have yet to find him on Twitter, so he feels safer being himself there. He is constantly engaged in a dance of minimizing “risk” and avoiding “danger.”
Despite the possible pitfalls, and how difficult it can be to maintain that spotless record for years on end, Aamir knows it’s important for a future politician to maintain a presence on social media. He believes President Obama succeeded because of it. “Having a good social media presence and being able to use it well getting your message out,” Aamir says, “I think is definitely a very useful skill to have especially nowadays.”
As long as he keeps things clean.
THE CAREER-DESTROYING FACEBOOK POST AND THE POLICING OF YOUNG ADULTS’ SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS
Not everyone is as vigilant as Aamir, who takes caution to the extreme. But this careful attitude about what to and what not to post was nearly universal among the students I interviewed. They believe that all sorts of people are scrutinizing their social media accounts—that everyone is constantly being watched and judged and potentially shamed for mistakes.1 Their biggest fear is that potential employers will find an offending comment or photo on one of their social media accounts. They aren’t crazy to think so, either—employers really do check the social media profiles of applicants.2 Because college admissions officers do the same, many students have already gotten a taste of this variety of online stress before even arriving on campus—and once they do arrive, the scrutiny only continues.3
The Happiness Effect Page 7