"It's not you I'm worried about."
Touché.
I forged ahead, nervous but determined. I rarely like to admit I'm afraid of anything, but I was seriously afraid of those first few days in the classroom. It was not only a new job, but one utterly different from anything I'd done before. Sure, I'd taught adults. I guess a room full of disgruntled IT guys compares to rebellious fifth graders in some ways, but it was still pretty foreign.
To my profound relief, I survived. Not only did I survive, I enjoyed it. And I only had one conversation get out of hand.
I'd written "Ms. Huffman" on the board. I'm too old to be a Miss, and I'm not a Mrs. This was apparently a new concept for these fifth graders.
"You left a letter out of your name," one of them informed me.
"No, I didn't. I meant to write Ms."
"Why?"
"Because it doesn't matter if I'm married or not. You can use Ms either way."
"You're not married?" a girl asked.
"That's not the point."
At this juncture, another young man joined the conversation. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
That elicited a chorus of "oohs" from the class. They had interpreted the question as this kid’s way of volunteering for the position.
"No. I have three sons, one just at the other end of the hall. But we're not talking about that right now, we should be doing our bell work."
"How do you have kids if you're not married?"
This is when I thought Really? I'm the only unmarried mother in this town? Instead, I replied "I used to be married. Now I'm not, and we're done talking about this."
The boy who started it all gasped. "You got fired from being married?"
I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. I'm super proud that I didn't retort that I'd fired him. Instead, I managed to get the conversation back on track. Lord only knows how.
Since that day, I've taught everywhere from first grade through high school seniors. I've covered for the Special Education classroom and the middle school band teacher. I find myself increasingly impressed with the kind of person who chooses to educate children for a living. And I am increasingly proud to be joining their ranks. The kids have come to know me. Whichever school I’m at, I have kiddos coming up to me and hugging me or saying hi. I'm crazy about them. And my boys have even decided they like having me in their schools.
Despite all of the proverbial frolicking in the sunshine, I'm exhausted. Every day is a bit of a whirlwind as I learn this new world and study for the test that will give me my full-fledged teaching certificate. I feel the time crunch as my window closes before hiring for next year begins―I'm trying desperately to have everything in order to be one of the candidates for any jobs that might open.
Another pretty big event for me was taking advantage of the open mic nights at my beloved coffee shop. A dear friend and I worked like crazy to prepare four songs for our fifteen minutes on stage, only to arrive and find out we were the only ones signed up. We wound up singing more like seven songs, a couple of which we’d never even sung together before. I know I’m a far cry from a professional, but we weren’t half bad, and I loved every single second of it. It was so incredibly freeing to sing in front of a room full of people, not worried about how it sounded, only thrilling in the song.
The old Heather wouldn’t have done that.
I also am pleased to report that I’ve lost over half of the weight I’d gained with the ankle debacle from a few years back. I still have a bit to go, but I feel so much better already. Dylan and I have taken to hiking with our dogs, exploring whatever trails strike our fancy whenever we can squirrel away an afternoon. I love it. Hiking days are some of my favorite days; they make me feel gloriously alive.
There was a moment when I began to worry that my horses would be the price I had to pay for my freedom. Every time I thought I had something lined up for them, the sands would shift, and plans would change. And just when I was desperate enough to consider selling my darlings, friends stepped up, things fell into place, and the horses were moved on the day the land changed hands. One more day and they’d have been homeless.
I’m sure a smarter person would sell them. Heaven knows we can’t really afford them. But I am clinging to the hope that someday soon I’ll have my world rebuilt enough that I can once again buy a little patch of land for me and my girls. (I guess I’ll let the human children come too…) That’s a dream I’m not willing to walk away from just yet.
There was no last minute miracle for my little company, though. It went quietly into the night, leaving behind memories and a handful of clients who I continue to freelance for. I thought I was ready to completely walk away from marketing for a while, but it seems that world isn’t through with me yet. It makes answering the question “What do you do for a living” all kinds of fun. I’m a writer, teacher, and marketer. Maybe that last one will drop off the list someday; maybe not. I enjoy each aspect of my career. Each reflects something of me.
Oh, and I joined forces with some amazing authors to launch a website and Facebook group by and for women. It's a judgment-free zone on the internet where we celebrate all the many facets of being a woman today. It's going to be so much more―we have big plans―and it deserves so much more than a paragraph mention, but a paragraph is all I have in me at the moment.
It's funny, but there was a time when I was jealous of Tess Thompson, the writer I co-founded Hummingbird Charm with. We were at Booktrope together, and she was the writer I could never quite live up to. Beautiful and smart, her books seemed to flourish. We existed in the same sphere, but never really got to know each other. And then our paths parted ways until she took a chance on 16 Hand Marketing when it was in its infancy. As we worked together, a friendship formed. It was her hand and gentle support that guided me through much of the journey I’ve been on this last year. We’ve never stood face-to-face, and yet I consider her one of my dearest friends. But then, I feel that way about all of the women in Hummingbird Charm. Once more, I realize I’ve been blessed with some amazing people in my world.
I feel like there’s more to say, more to share, but the thoughts and feelings are swirling through me, as elusive to catch as the clouds. All I know is that 2017 has been a year of profound change for me and my children. It’s only now that I’ve shed the chains of my past that I begin to realize how heavy a burden they were.
And today, in this moment, while the weather is warm, and my heart is happy and full, I feel like I can finally spread my wings and fly.
Chapter Fifteen
Sometimes people ask me how I got through Blake’s accident. My answer is simple: one step at a time. I went on autopilot, placing one foot in front of the other until we were through it. It wasn’t until later, after the danger had passed, that I was able to begin to process all that had happened or how close we came to losing him.
I’ve been more easily stressed out this week, more emotional than I usually am. I was walking through the grocery store parking lot when the reason why hit me like a lightning bolt.
For nearly twenty years, I have placed one foot in front of the other. I have raised children and dealt with crises and survived. Now, for the first time, I have tasted something more. I’ve found peace. I’ve felt the comfort of another’s arms. I have jobs I love. My children are happy. Over the past year, my life has grown into something wonderful, and I have a glimpse of something richer than I ever could have imagined.
And just like the wave of emotion I had to contend with after the danger of Blake’s accident had passed, I am grappling with a tsunami of emotion and functioning like a normal human being has become a monumental feat. What I really want to do is curl up and cry it all out, to wash away all the years of hurt and stress and badness. And maybe I will.
I’ve grappled with the tumult, the sea of emotions, for a few days now. I’ve tried to hide my crazy, to keep up with life, even though it’s coming at me rapid fire these days. And then tonight, something in me snap
ped. I’d had enough of myself. Only it wasn’t a wave of tears that washed it all away.
Instead, I put in my earbuds, turned on my favorite playlist, and be-bopped my way through the night. I got caught up on work; I cleaned my house. I danced like nobody was watching―which was a little more likely the case once I remembered to close the blinds.
The music and the movement washed away all the things plaguing me: insecurity and doubt over this new relationship, uncertainty over my job and finances and parents, sadness for friends and students who are dealing with some truly big things. It was as cleansing and cathartic as any tears. More so even.
And while I’m sure my personal growth isn’t complete―I certainly hope not, anyway―last night was a turning point for me. Whatever metamorphosis I’ve been going through this year, I’m ready to move on. To live my life, to write my stories, to embrace my own ever after, whatever that looks like.
So, I will write “The End” on this book knowing that in truth, it’s only the beginning.
Epilogue
Ayear ago, I awoke from a trance and began to live my life again. How has it been only a year? It feels like an eternity. Of course, we packed a lot of life into the last year. I guess I was making up for lost time.
Even since I wrote the words “The End” on this little story of mine, my life has undergone enormous change. And as I sit in my bed, my room lit by twinkle lights and frogs singing their song of spring to me from beyond the window, I am on the precipice of change that is both enthralling and terrifying at once.
As 2017 came to a close, my old boss—the one I had so enjoyed working with at Incredible Pizza—reached out to me. He had an amazing job at a startup in Springfield and wanted to bring me on board. I thanked him and said no; I was doggedly pursuing my teaching certificate.
But I couldn’t shake the thought that I should at least hear him out, so a few weeks later, I reached out to see what he had to say. Two weeks after that, I was starting a new job as the brand manager for a sleep technology company.
Having a commute exhausts me. I miss my kiddos (the ones I gave birth to and the ones I taught). But this job excites me. It’s an amazing opportunity for me and my kids, and it’s doing something I have come to care passionately about: helping people sleep better. The more I learn about sleep, and how dangerous it is to go without it, the more I care.
The downside is that the job has turned me into a certifiable sleep and mattress geek, but I’m not super worried about it. I know I’m at the beginning of the journey of a lifetime, and I’m incredibly grateful to Tim for bringing me along.
When Adam and I divorced, I told him he could have whatever he wanted so long as I kept the kids, my dog, and the horses. He wanted to stay on the farm, so we moved, and I was happy to do it.
But I missed the land. I missed my horses and dogs and chickens and goats. Some of the animals were sold and couldn’t be reclaimed. Some were scattered across other farms, and I still needed to figure out a permanent solution.
Once I had a stable income and my feet under me, I began to wonder if that solution wasn’t finding a farm of my own. So, I asked my realtor friend to keep her ear to the ground. She instantly replied with, “I know just the place…” I’m still blown away by how quickly everything came together. I knew I wouldn’t be ready to buy a house for a year. I didn’t dare hope when Jennifer first brought it up or made a phone call to see if her neighbor was still thinking of selling, and would he be willing to lease for a year?
And yet, I moved my horses onto their new farm last week. My kids and I are eagerly awaiting the day the people get to move in, too. We are so close to having not just a farm, but the farm of our dreams. If I sat and listed every single thing I’d want in my dream home, this is it. Every. Single. Thing. I still can’t believe it’s real. If I’m honest, I am afraid it will vanish before we move in. It’s too perfect. Yet, as I read back through the pages of this book, I see time and again where God has blessed me beyond all measure, and it makes me wonder why I still doubt.
I have a doubting problem.
I see this future in front of me, blinding in its beauty. I am working so hard to get us to it, juggling work, kids, finances, my books, the author collective, animals, a pending move, trials in my extended family, the list goes on… and it makes me tired, and I look at the beautiful picture ahead of us, and I get scared I’ll never be any closer to it than Moses got to his dream, dying as he stared out over the promised land. So close, but he never quite made it.
This is the part where I have to admit that this is my third take on my epilogue. I guess that’s because my ever after is still a bit of a moving target. The first go, I had to refrain from gushing about the man who made me smile. I was tentatively hopeful that he’d be part of whatever the future may hold.
In take two, I thought maybe that wasn’t meant to be, but I was reassuring myself that I’d never be truly alone because if this past year has taught me anything, it’s that I’m surrounded by amazing people who love me. So many of them, and so much more than I deserve.
You see, we almost came undone, this man who makes me smile and I, but in the process, I learned to speak my truth even when it scares me. I’m also learning to trust—him, my feelings, and the promise of a future together.
I’m kind of hoping third time’s the charm because as I sit here tonight, my heart is happy. I have learned over these last few months that real love is messy and a bit of a pain in the ass, but it’s also vibrant and full. My life is a lot of things, but above all, it is filled to the brim with love.
When I re-read all of the pages that came before this one, I’m reminded that God is faithful even when I am not. Good comes from bad. There is joy and beauty and hope to be had even in the storms.
Whether the pretty picture I yearn for materializes or not, I am blessed with the life I’ve been given and the people in it. And I’m going to soak it all in. Every moment of it.
Acknowledgments
There are so many people I could have dedicated this book to, so many who have brightened my life with their presence. It feels a little lacking to simply say thank you, but it’s all I have to offer—my sincerest thanks for being who you are.
To every medical professional who had a hand in Blake’s recovery and to every friend or family member who stepped up when I needed you most. I see your kindness in every single one of his smiles.
To my mother and sisters, for teaching me what feminine strength looks like. You’re my best friends, my harshest critics, and my greatest champions. I love you.
To Jacquelyn and Lyal Strickland, for coming into my life when I stood at a crossroads and teaching me I wasn’t alone. As I look back over a year of profound change, I realize the friendship our families formed is deeply intertwined with so many of those memories.
To Jennifer and Tim, your steady friendship has given me the strength to keep moving forward more than once. There have been too many kindnesses—toward me and my boys—to name them all.
To Jesse and MaryAnn, for going on a crazy adventure called 16 Hand Marketing with us. I treasure what we did together and the friendships that deepened during that time. Who knows, maybe someday we really will take over the universe together.
To J.C. Wing of Wing Family Editing, for being so much more than an editor. You are a ray of sunshine in a dark world. Don’t ever change.
To Tess, for the friendship I did not expect but have come to cherish. You get me like few others do and always inspire me to be a better writer, to keep hoping, and to keep trying.
To Tim, for being the kind of boss and friend we should all aspire to be. I swear my world wasn’t always this crazy.
To Tara, for all of the listening you do at our lunches. I’m not exactly sure how I lucked into a friend like you, but I’m happy for it. Oh yeah, and for designing this gorgeous cover!
To Christian, for bringing me back to life. You’ve taught me so much and made my world a brighter, more vibrant place. Kerfuf
fles and all.
To my boys, for being the absolute light and joy of my life. Being your mother has been my greatest honor.
About the Author
Heather Huffman lives in a small town in the Missouri Ozarks that many liken to a modern-day Mayberry. Personally, she likes to think of her quirky little town as her very own Midwestern Stars Hollow. In addition to being the author of twelve novels, Heather also gives talks about topics as varied as the fight against modern day slavery to changes in the book publishing industry. When not writing, Huffman loves having adventures with her three teenage sons or spending time with their dogs and horses. Connect with Heather online at heatherhuffman.net.
More by Heather Huffman
Fall in love with the unlikely heroes and heroines of Throwaway’s World
Throwaway ~ Suddenly a Spy ~ Jailbird ~ Ties That Bind ~ Ring of Fire ~ Tumbleweed ~ Roses in Ecuador ~ Devil in Disguise ~ Fool’s Game ~ Waiting for You ~ Vance Davis Dossier ~ Finding Broken Arrow
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My Own Ever After: A Memoir Page 10