by JD Ruskin
He was in my face. “Here’s what I mean. What the hell is up with you?” he yelled. “You’ve been leading me and everybody to believe for years that there’s something between you and Sarah. But there’s not, and you knew I wanted to go out with her. What kind of brother does that?”
He lowered his voice. “Why are you doing this, Josh?”
God, I wanted to scream out the truth and see what happened. I wanted to run. I wrapped my arms around my stomach to hold everything in.
“I’m not trying to do anything,” I said through clenched teeth. “Go out with her. I don’t care.”
His beer bottle shattered against the back of the cabin, and he stomped away.
SATURDAY I stayed home. I didn’t mind not seeing anybody, including Dane. He was probably getting an earful from my brother about how deceitful I’d been about Sarah. I got headaches trying to imagine his reaction.
My chance at a relationship with him had to be over. If Sarah felt like she was in the middle, Dane must be feeling that times twenty. I wouldn’t want to be with someone with my baggage either. I sat in my living room, staring at nothing, feeling sorry for myself.
The knock at the door surprised me. When I opened it to find Dane, I smiled. His smile was hesitant.
“So, I thought maybe we could go for a ride and check out that fence line while the lovebirds are out.”
“Great idea.”
“Actually, it was Jesse’s idea. He’s been checking that fence every day since you found the beer cans.”
I shrugged. “It’s still a good idea. Let’s go.”
I grabbed my hat and led the way to the barn. When Dane headed for Sugarpie’s stall, I told him to ride Hector.
“Who you going to ride then?”
“Hurricane.”
“Are you kidding me?”
I shrugged, trying to play cool. “You spend enough time by yourself, you can get a lot done.” It probably sounded like a complaint, but it wasn’t, and I grinned as I said it.
“About that, cowboy….”
I was going to let him off the hook with an “It’s okay,” but what came out was, “Yeah?”
He dragged his hand through his hair. “It’s not you. You understand that? It’s me. I don’t do relationships. I mean, I haven’t had one.”
“Why not?”
His answer was painfully slow in coming. “Couldn’t. I suppose I wouldn’t know what to do with one either.”
“Relationships involve two people. I think that means you’re supposed to let the other person help you with it.”
He huffed out a breath, and his face turned grim. “I’m a loner, cowboy. But I’m not a user.”
I kept my attention on cinching Hurricane’s saddle, not sure how to answer. I didn’t feel used, but I didn’t know where I stood with him either.
“I understand.”
“You don’t understand,” he said. “Look….”
His voice faded off, and he looked away, staring at the barn wall like he hoped some magic finger would scribble the right words on it for him.
“The last couple years, except when I’ve been on missions, I’ve run real hot and cold with everybody. It’s not just you. I drove my teammates crazy. Alienated some.”
He’d finished saddling Hector and was rubbing the horse’s neck.
“It’s part of the PTSD, I suppose,” he continued. “Or maybe not. I’ve been doing it so long sometimes I think it might just be the way I am. It’s ticked off your brother.”
“I figured he was driving you nuts,” I offered. “You know, with all this stuff between him and me and Sarah.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard all I want to about that.” He looked at me with some sympathy, and impatience too. Like the mess was all my fault?
“Let’s go.” I didn’t want to hear any more if he thought it was.
“Josh.” The edge in his voice was like a command, and I looked at him. He rubbed his jaw and stared into space again. Then he looked at his boots.
“Fuck. You help me feel better. When I’m with you, okay?”
“Okay.” I bit my lip so I wouldn’t smile. But his statement made me feel warm all over. “Let’s go for that ride.”
“Yeah.”
I could feel his relief from across the barn. We headed outside, mounted up, and rode into the back meadow. To my surprise, Dane kept talking.
“What was it like growing up on this ranch?”
“Didn’t Jesse tell you?”
“I want to know what it was like for you.”
I thought a minute before answering. “Great. I mean, I don’t know anything else, you know? But I wouldn’t have wanted anything else. There was a lot of hard work, still is. And it was rough when my parents died. But my childhood was great.”
“I fell in love with this place hearing about it in your letters to Jesse.”
“You read my letters?”
“No, Jesse read them to me. He was so happy to get them, and I didn’t get any.”
“He never told me how he felt about them. I just kept writing. I didn’t want him to be lonely.”
Dane laughed. “That’s one thing your brother will never be.”
“What was your growing up like?”
“My dad was in construction. I had a little brother.”
Dane paused so long I thought that was all he was going to say. Finally he continued. “He had cerebral palsy like Steve Sanderson.”
He looked at me, and I didn’t hide my surprise. “Yeah, that’s why I could relate so well to Steve. Anyway, Sam died when I was nine, and Mom left. Dad drank, and he and I moved a lot. Then I joined the Army.”
“What about your dad?”
“He’s still in Wisconsin. He sends me Christmas cards.”
“Does he know about you?”
Dane shook his head. “Nobody knows. The Army has this thing called Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. I know you know about it. You told anyone?”
“Are you kidding? This is Montana.”
“But Sarah knows. And your friend Guy is out.”
“Sarah told me I was gay in kindergarten, when we both admitted having a crush on Timmy Benson. She told me not to tell anybody, and she never did.”
“You’re kidding? She’s good at keeping secrets.”
“I hope.”
“You mean with Jesse.”
“Yeah.”
He was quiet a minute, considering all I hadn’t said. “I think I’d trust her, cowboy.”
“I don’t have much choice now.”
He nodded. “What about Guy?”
“He’s been out as long as I’ve known him. He told his parents when he was in high school, and they were okay with it. He’s artsy, girls like him a lot, and he lives in a city, where it must be easier. I always envied him that.”
“Being out?”
“Yeah. It would be so great to live your life the way it really is, without having to tell lies to hide that you’re not going out with a girl, or who you’re really going out with, or worrying that your family or people you work with will find out. But I can’t risk telling.”
We’d reached the fence line, and it was fine, so we turned our horses and rode a course running parallel to it on the ranch side. Hurricane was having no trouble taking commands or moving alongside Hector.
“Why aren’t you and Guy a couple?” Dane’s voice was even as he asked. I decided to answer honestly.
“I think Guy would like that. But he’s not”—I shrugged—“the one. I love him like a friend. He knows that, and it’s okay for now.”
We’d crossed a large meadow and were nearing another thick stretch of forest on ranch property. In another two hours it would be too dark to be in the woods, but I didn’t want to turn back yet.
I swung off Hurricane, pulled out the blanket I’d tied to the back of my saddle, and threw it on the ground.
“Want to sit for a while?”
Dane dismounted, spread out the blanket, and sat down. I unsaddled both horses and tie
d them to a tree, spread their blankets out to dry, and then sat by Dane. He cast a sidelong glance at me, and I scooted close and maneuvered his head into my lap. He didn’t protest, so I undid a couple of his shirt buttons and began brushing my fingers across his chest.
He arched an eyebrow at me, then closed his eyes. His face relaxed and he didn’t move, so I didn’t stop touching, stroking his nipples, and running my fingers across his chest. I let my mind wander a bit to imagine being able to do things like this every night. Then I noticed the bulge in his jeans and let my hand wander lower.
He reacted lightning quick, like I’d bit him or something. He grabbed my hand, rose up, and swiveled around to face me before I could make any kind of move.
“Nice try,” he chuckled, now gripping both my hands hard. “But not what I had in mind.”
He moved up onto his knees, then rested back on his heels. “Open your jeans and pull ’em down below your knees.”
He dropped my hands, and I stared at him. He stared right back.
“You heard me.”
I turned a hundred shades of red, but I did it. With a few ungraceful wiggles and huffs, I maneuvered my jeans and briefs to my shins. I kept my legs together as I reclined back on my forearms, trying to look cool, but I was anxious. My cock stood up stiff, and Dane smiled.
“Touch yourself.”
“This isn’t what I had in mind.” I didn’t move. I was beyond embarrassed.
He motioned with his hands for me to get moving. “I know you’ve beat off at least once in your life.”
“Not in front of anybody.” I glared at him. Then I whined. “This is humiliating.”
“Come on, cowboy. Before it gets too dark for me to see anything.”
“You’re serious?”
He slapped my thigh and shot me a threatening glare. “You’ll feel how serious in a minute.”
God help me, I remembered the spanking and how my prick got so hard and hurt so good. I groaned and closed my eyes. Tentatively, I slid one hand down my belly. I grabbed at myself and pulled hard.
Dane swatted at my hand. “I want a show, with some balls action, and commentary.”
My eyes flew open, and I jerked my hand away. “Commentary? I’m not some porn star, you know.” Again I was whining.
“Pretend. And keep your eyes open.” He stretched himself out and leaned back to watch my discomfort.
“You’re just trying to make me feel stupid.”
“Don’t test my patience.”
I stroked across my balls with bumbling fingers, then spread my knees and let my fingers slide down toward my hole. Then, like my body had a mind of its own and it was being run by my dick, my fingers slid back and forth confidently, teasingly, across that sensitive skin.
Dane’s mouth slackened and his eyelids lowered over his heating eyes. I was turning him on. “Commentary now.” It was an order.
I tried to think of something, I really did. But nothing… came. When I saw him frown, fear stabbed at my stomach, and I stuttered out the first thing I could think of.
“My hand is hot and the air is cool. I’m harder than—” I stopped everything. “Aww, hell, Dane, this is stupid.”
He glared at me. “Did I say stop?”
“Dane….”
“Keep going,” he growled.
I swallowed hard and looked past him, and a vision of him touching me rushed into my mind. At last I had something to say. “I’m pretending it’s your hand. You’re touching me soft, a tickle, and I’m so hard I ache for you.”
He groaned, and I looked at him and saw the flush in his face. I was turning him on. Maybe I could do this. Maybe it could be fun.
I ran my fingers up my cock, smearing my forefinger through the precum.
“I’m leaking already. I want your hands on me and… I’m leaking for you.” I lifted the finger toward his mouth. “Want to taste?”
“You taste it.” His voice was tight. His eyes were hungry as he watched me move my finger to my mouth and lick it. I licked my lips next, and he moved his right hand to caress his jeans as he watched.
I swallowed hard. “You taste better.”
He squeezed himself, and I echoed his actions before lightly pumping myself with my fist. I arched my ass off the blanket and looked at him.
“I’d rather it was you.”
He moved around beside me, and dropped his hand atop mine. He pushed hard and slid my hand up and down my cock, pulling at my skin and my desire.
My prick wept some more, and I begged. “Please, Dane.”
“Undo my jeans.”
I flipped onto my knees and ripped at his belt and zipper.
When I’d tugged his jeans down, he pushed me down on all fours. A second later, I heard the rip of the condom wrapper and the squirt of the lube, and then he was pushing into me. He slid in shallow, then began to pump, going deeper with each stroke. I choked out a groan.
“So good, cowboy.”
He reached his hands under my armpits and pulled me up into his chest in a quick, fluid movement. He thrust into me with a grunt and slid deeper. I was sure he could feel my heartbeat through his cock.
“Dane,” I begged. I had to have more.
He gave it to me. And though he held me firmly against his chest, I flopped around like a doll, his doll, and I was happy to be it. Pain melted into pleasure and became craving as I climbed up a mountain of want, so close, so close.
I squeezed my eyes shut, focused on nothing but him plugging me over and over. I could picture it as I felt him hammer into me. I clenched my gut and my ass and my fists and pleaded with him not to stop. His breath huffed warm and wet past my ear. He was like a piston, and I took it all, shouting when I came. Like he’d been waiting for that, he thrust hard once more, driving me onto my forearms and blasting into the condom. He shuddered for a scary long time after that, until his head came to rest on my shoulder and he panted against me. When he’d caught his breath at last, he kissed and nibbled at my neck.
“So damn good,” he whispered.
I raised us up slightly and kissed his forearm, which was still strapped across my chest, and we knelt like that, me holding up his weight, until he began to soften.
I winced when he pulled out, and he skimmed his fingers across my back.
“You going to be able to ride back?”
“Just give me a minute.” Even if it hurt like hell, it’d be worth it.
He rose up with a groan, then reached out to help me up. He didn’t let go until I’d wiggled my pants back into place. He pulled up his own, kissed my shoulder, and turned toward the horses.
When I’d zipped up, I turned to face him, expecting he’d be saddling Hector already. But he hadn’t moved.
“Cowboy,” he whispered. “We’re being watched.”
“WHERE? WHAT should I do?”
“At normal speed, like you’re not aware of them, let’s saddle up and move out. They’re near where the fence problems have been.”
“How—”
“Reflection off binocs. I don’t know how many guys. Now pick up the blanket, and let’s move toward the horses.”
I did as he said, setting my pace to match Dane’s and mindful the whole time that he was putting himself between me and whoever was watching us.
“Lead us out of here without any backtracking. Can you do that?”
“How fast?”
“Whatever’s normal.”
Yeah, right. What’s normal when you’re imagining a target on your back and a high-powered rifle pointed at it?
“We really shouldn’t go too fast, because of the bad light. Horses could step in a hole.”
“Then go slow. And look for a way to get a hill or trees between us and them.”
We set off, Dane always behind me. After what felt like forever but was more like fifteen minutes, he moved Hector even with Hurricane and me.
“It’s okay. We’re out of sight and range. Head for home.”
“Who could it be?�
� I asked, though I knew Dane had no way of knowing. I had to talk about it, maybe to shake off the fear. He seemed to understand, because he began figuring out possibilities with me as we made our way up and down the hills toward home.
“Jesse discovered the downed fence right after I arrived. And you didn’t have any problems before that, right?”
“Right. None.”
“So what else happened around then? Anybody pick a fight with anyone on the ranch? Anything new or different happen?”
“I got Hurricane just before you arrived.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah.”
Dane didn’t say anything.
“Hanson? You think….”
“He’s a possible. He’s been awfully interested in how you’re doing with this horse, even showing up when he’s not wanted.”
“What do we do?”
“I’m thinking.”
He didn’t say anything more. I focused on getting us home without incident as the horses walked in and out of shadows and near blackness. I knew where we were, but for the first time in my life, I wished I’d left a light on at home. Steering for it would have eased the jitters in my gut.
At the barn, Dane handed off Hector without saying a word. I led the horses inside and took care of them. I had no idea what Dane was up to. When I left the barn, I still didn’t see him.
“Well, crap. He just went off to bed?”
“No, he’s checking your perimeter.”
Dane’s voice came from close by, and I jumped. My heart pounded in my ears, and the fear was back, gripping my belly.
“Jeez, like I haven’t been scared enough already tonight?”
“You can relax. No one’s around.” He emerged from around the side of the barn. “But you can see this barn, the corral, and your cabin from where they’ve been watching.”
“Great.”
I went inside, turning on every light switch as I made for the kitchen. Dane followed. I got two beers out of the fridge, and we sat down at the table.
“What do we do?”
“We’ll talk it over with Jesse and your uncle tomorrow. Meanwhile, I’ll spend the night here.”
“I’m not arguing, but why?”
He took a swig from the bottle and swallowed. “Because I can kill people with my hands, and you can’t.”