by JD Ruskin
“You were right,” he whispered, not looking into my face. “I was a coward.”
“That’s not true.” The words were out of my mouth as soon as he’d finished. “I was wrong. I was angry and stupid. I don’t want to talk about that. Ever.”
In that moment I knew I didn’t care if I never heard his explanation for why he left. I didn’t want to hear anyone ever say bad things about him, especially not Dane himself.
“Yes,” he insisted. “I’m going to say this, Josh, or we’ve got nowhere to go.”
Maybe it was being washed clean that made him have to say it. Maybe it was hearing him call me by my name that made me have to listen.
I gripped his hand and brought it to my cheek and held it there, staring all the while at his chest. “Okay.”
His voice was no louder than the whisper of the water all around us.
“I ran,” he choked out, “because I was too afraid to face what you had to face. I’d lied for so long about who I was. I couldn’t face how other people would react, how your brother and your family would react.
“Within the first hour after I left, I knew I was wrong, that I was being a coward.”
“No!”
He gripped my jaw and raised my head slightly, so I was looking at his neck. I watched his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed hard and spoke again. “Yes. I was. But it was too late. I’d already committed to the mission, to the team. I wanted to call you so many times, to hear how things were with you, to tell you how much I admired how brave you were. I wanted to talk to you that night before the mission—”
“I understand. Jesse explained.” I shook free of his hand and looked up into his face finally, searching his eyes so I could see when he understood all that was in mine. “It’s all okay now. It’s all okay forever. Nothing has changed about my love for you, except I love you more.”
He started to shake, and I gripped his waist and pulled him close to me. We held each other until he stilled, until I began to worry that the hot water would turn to cold soon.
I took up the washcloth again and soaped it up, rubbing it in sudsy circles across his chest, slowly making my way lower. He stood still, his hands fisted at his side, his eyes clenched shut.
I’m just washing him, I told myself. But I brushed his cock, and it jumped.
He didn’t move or open his eyes, so I dropped my slick hands down to his hips and massaged my way to his bellybutton with little circular motions. His hands relaxed. Still, he didn’t open his eyes.
I cupped his balls with one hand and wrapped the other around his cock, sliding my fingers slowly up and down. He was dark against the white suds, hard and smooth. His balls clenched when I feathered my fingers over the pebbly skin.
He moved then, spreading his legs wider, and he put his hands on my shoulders. I thought he was just steadying himself, but the pressure increased. I looked up into his eyes, open now, intense and demanding as they swept from my face to my knees.
Yeah, I wanted it like this, to let him have all the control he wanted, forever if he wanted, as long as he wanted me. I went to my knees. I let the water rinse him off, then swallowed him in a gulp. I eased back and went to work with my tongue, teasing and licking him up and down.
A groan exploded out of him, like he’d been holding it and too many other things in way too long. He took my head gently in both his hands and pushed himself deep in my throat.
“Like that, cowboy. But put your hands behind your back.” He stopped, then added, “Please.”
I clasped my hands against the small of my back and let his hands hold me in place. He pumped in and out, and I swirled my tongue around his crown and slit.
He came fast, in an explosion, and I gulped hard and sucked him down. His hands stayed on my head like he didn’t want to let me go. At last, he slumped a shoulder against the tile wall, his hands slipping to my shoulders.
I pushed myself up off the floor and reached out to gather him in my arms. He came into them with a hesitant shudder and gripped my waist. I thought maybe he was getting cold.
“Come on. Let’s get out before the water goes cold.”
But he leaned into me without moving, then gripped me tighter, burying his head in my neck.
“I didn’t think you could ever want me again….” The pain behind his words was too much to hear.
“Let’s get you to bed.”
I guided him out of the shower and turned off the water. All the ideas I had about what else needed to be said turned off too. I didn’t need him to tell me he loved me or anything else. Whatever was going to be between us was going to prove itself in the way we treated each other. And I knew how I wanted to treat him.
Without letting him go, I grabbed a towel and started lightly rubbing his head and arms. I patted his back, barely touching it, then took a step back and wrapped the towel around his waist. He still hadn’t released me fully. I put a hand over one of his, teased his fingers into mine, and led him into the bedroom.
When I drew back the bedcovers, he handed me the towel, crawled in, and lay on his stomach. I pulled the covers back up to his waist, wiped absently at myself and tossed the towel. I put antibiotic cream on his back, then carefully taped new bandages in place. I crawled in next to him and settled down on my back, my arm stretched out above his head. He turned his face toward mine.
“Welcome home, Dane.” I reached out and touched his cheek. He rested his head on my chest, and I combed my fingers through his damp hair. Suddenly, I choked up.
“I was afraid too,” I whispered. I wanted to choke back anything else, but more words came out in a wild rush. “I was so afraid you’d d-die, that I wouldn’t get the chance to show you how I felt….”
He lifted his head and swiped at my tears. I put my arm around him and pulled him close, and he kissed my cheek and rested his forehead there.
“I am so sorry I couldn’t be honest like you.”
“Shh. It’s all good now. Go to sleep. You need to sleep.”
He dropped his head to my chest, and soon his even breathing drowned out the wind and I could fall asleep too.
NOTHING MOVED much the next day, especially not the blizzard. I checked in with Jesse and Uncle Karl by phone, built up the fire in the stove, put a chicken in a slow cooker, and waited for Dane to wake up. Now waiting was easy. I could tiptoe into the bedroom ten times an hour if I wanted to make sure he was all right, and I did.
About the time the day was ending and the chicken was smelling good, I heard the shower turn on. I went to work preparing the salad.
“You hungry?” I called when I heard him in the living room.
“Yes.”
“Great. The chicken will be done in about thirty minutes.”
“I’m not hungry for chicken.”
“Do you want something else?”
I walked into the room. He had spread the bedroom quilt atop the rug in front of the stove and was lying naked on his side on top of it.
“I want you.” He patted the floor next to his hip.
“Okay then.” I stripped out of my clothes and lay on my back beside him. He pulled the lube and some condoms out from under a corner of the quilt and smiled wickedly.
“On your stomach and spread your legs.”
I rushed to comply.
He knelt between my legs and his hands teased warm circles across my ass cheeks, raising goose bumps. When I sighed, he kissed each cheek, then bit them. I nearly came right then.
“So nice,” he sighed. “So nice.”
“Yes.” I drew the word out as he began to rub my ass again.
“I had dreams like this when I was gone. Did you, Josh?”
“Yes.”
His light strokes changed to hard grabs, and he began to knead my butt like bread dough.
“On your knees now.” But I barely had to move. He pulled me up, then put on a condom and cracked open the lube.
He smoothed his hands down my back, and then he was hard against me. He prepped
me fast and took me in one long, slow glide that had us both moaning. He stopped to let me adjust to him, but I didn’t want to wait. I pushed back hard, thrilled when he growled and thrust deep inside me.
He pulled me up against his chest and snapped his hips, pushing with a force that would have tossed me across the room if he hadn’t held me close. I crossed my arms over his and gripped him tightly.
“More. Dane. Please, more.” I fell into a frenzy of gripping and pushing back into him, panting and gasping, anything to get him to fuck me harder.
He grabbed my cock hard. “Oh no, cowboy. I’ve got the reins now, and we don’t take off until I say.”
He began to move again in long, slow glides and rotations of his hips, hitting my gland each time. A wave of pleasure built in me, surging through my nerve endings with each thrust, rolling backward as he eased back, only to push me higher when he thrust forward again.
Each time, I gasped and my cock throbbed and my pulse hammered in my ears. And he kept on moving.
“You know,” he whispered in time to his movements, “I dreamed of plunging so deep inside you that I touched your heart.”
“You are,” I gasped. “You did, a long time ago….”
He stopped at that, and pulled out completely. I jumped around in a panic to look at him. His whole body was tense, with something like pain etched across his face.
“What? Are you hurting? What’s wrong?”
“Please, Josh, fuck me,” he whispered, his eyes closed against me.
He flinched when I touched his shoulders.
“You don’t want that.”
He still didn’t open his eyes as he answered. “I do. I want to give myself to you, to make up….”
The hitch in his voice was horrible to hear, something between shame and terror.
“I need to feel you forgive me.”
I wanted to gather him in my arms and tell him I’d forgiven him the moment I saw he was all right. Because I had. I loved him too much to do otherwise.
But he needed something else from me. He waited, unmoving.
“Okay.” I swept my hand from the crown of his head down his jaw and his neck and his chest. “But I’m in control.”
“Yes.”
“Good.” I stroked his arms, alternating firm and light touches. “You don’t give the orders.” I reached for another condom.
“Forget the condom. Just you.”
The only sound in the room was the pop and snap of the fire in the stove.
“Just you and me,” I answered.
“Always.” He cupped my face in his hands.
I leaned in and kissed him softly. His lips parted and let me in. Our tongues danced slowly in his mouth, then moved to mine. He brushed his hands across my chest, and I caressed his neck, everything soft and tender and loving like we’d never been before.
Dane laid a series of kisses across my jaw and nuzzled my ear.
“Now, Josh, please, before I chicken out.”
I smiled, and pulled back and cradled his face.
“You can chicken out.”
He shook his head.
“Okay. On all fours, okay? We won’t hurt your back then.”
He nodded and followed my instructions. I kissed his shoulders and swept my hands down his back and thighs and up again across his ass. He shivered.
“Relax, just relax. And if you want to stop, let me know. We won’t stop for good. Just for as long as you need. Like you do with me when we’re playing hard. You understand?”
He nodded.
“Tell me you understand.”
I wanted to hear his voice. The first time was so often scary and painful. It could be worse than awful. I didn’t want that for him.
“I understand.” He sounded calm and sure.
“Good. Now, take a few deep breaths, okay. And with each one, I want you to relax a little more.”
I massaged his ass again. I closed my eyes and moved my hands slow and gentle, spreading my feelings for him across his skin with each stroke. I wanted him to understand what he meant to me.
I lay another line of kisses across his back, avoiding the stitches, while slowly spreading his cheeks with my hands. I kissed my way to his hole and then I licked it, all around and in and out. His opening fluttered, inviting me in, and his body trembled.
“I’m going to lube up my fingers now. Lots of lube.”
I rubbed my fingers together to take away the cold, then gently kissed his ass again.
I spread his cheeks and touched his beautiful hole. “One finger now, just resting there, smearing the lube around. Nothing big. Feel it? Push out as I push in.”
I slipped the tip of my finger inside him and felt the resistance.
“Oh, wow, so wonderfully tight. So sexy. I can’t believe this virgin hole is mine and only mine. Push out again.”
He moaned as I pushed in up to the first knuckle, but he didn’t sound panicked. I twirled my finger around a bit, then pushed a bit deeper.
“How does that feel?”
“Okay.” He sounded surprised.
I kissed his back again and cupped my left hand around his balls, rolling them gently in my fingers.
“Ahhh,” he sighed.
“Good, right?”
“Mmm-hmmm.”
I slipped a second finger in slowly, using more lube. Then I wrapped my left hand around his cock. It was hardening again fast.
“Ahh, you’re liking this. Push out now. Good.”
I slid a third finger in and his whole body stiffened. “Shhh, that’s a normal reaction. You’re breathing too fast. Take deeper breaths…. Good. Great.”
Soon, he pushed back when I slid in, forcing my fingers deep inside him. I eased them in and out a few more times. Then he began to fuck them himself. I twisted my fingers to scrape against his prostate. He jumped and cried out.
“See what you’ve been missing? Pretty amazing, isn’t it?”
“Do me,” he panted. “I want to feel you inside me.”
I withdrew my hand and rested my head on his ass while I lubed myself up.
“You tell me if you need me to stop at any time.”
“I won’t.”
I smiled. I put my cock to his hole, and he stiffened like I’d expected.
“Push out now.” I pushed inside a little at a time, listening for his response. There was a sharp intake of breath, but I realized it was mine. “Oh wow, Dane. I’ve never done this bare. I’ve never felt anything like this. It is so… Oh, God, I’m going to come so fast.”
“Don’t you dare!”
I froze, and then I laughed. “Who’s in control here?”
But I knew the answer. I kissed his back and eased myself in. When he gasped, I stopped.
“It’s okay. I’m going to stay right here while you get used to the feeling. It’ll help both of us. Breathe deep…. You are so tight. So fantastically tight.”
I rubbed my hands up and down his cock. “Mmm. I think you’re doing okay. Look how hard my little soldier is.”
“Little?” He sounded menacing.
“Big. Big soldier.” I rushed to correct myself and slid my hand up and down his erection and twisted at the top.
He moaned in pleasure then, and I thrust slowly in and out and deeper. His muscles grabbed me and I moaned. I could feel him getting into it.
“Harder,” he demanded.
I smiled. He was taking over for sure.
I withdrew, then pushed back in fast and hard until my balls bounced against him.
“Harder, cowboy. Ride me now.”
I did, in and out, not stopping for a second, hitting his gland each time. His hips thrust up to meet each stroke. When his hands grasped the quilt in a frenzy, I pushed harder. I grabbed his cock again and pulled, but he was the one really steering us and I was glad.
My groans were coming nonstop. My balls buzzed and tightened. Sparks shot up and down my spine.
“Gonna come,” I gasped. “Come with me, Dane.”
He cried out and I felt his cum spurt across my hand. My own exploded deep inside him as I continued to push in and out in a wild, uneven rhythm.
“I feel it,” he gasped in wonderment.
I smiled and slowed to a stop. When my breath calmed, I slid out of him slowly and collapsed back on my heels, resting my forehead on his ass. He rolled on his side and grabbed at me. I crawled into his arms, my back to his chest.
When I had settled into him, he put his lips close to my ear. “I’m here forever, Josh. I promise.”
The following summer
OUR SECOND week for families of gay kids was in full swing. The first sold out so quickly, we scheduled a second by extending our season.
Aunt Kate was teaching interested boys and girls the finer points of baking, and girls went fly-fishing with Uncle Karl. Jesse taught roping and cutting, and Sarah, who was a Brooks now, led a creative writing workshop. Even Dane was teaching, having turned the calving barn into a woodworking studio for the week. The parents, meanwhile, were enjoying daily Kaffee Klatches with the Kounselor. That one was Aunt Kate’s idea.
To the surprise of us all, one of the families signed up for the week had been with us the past three years already. We’d never known their son was gay.
Chase, now eighteen, hopped out of the car on Sunday with a big grin on his face.
“Didn’t know there were any gays in Montana,” he said to me right away.
“You’re looking at one,” I replied, smiling.
“Two,” said Dane as he put his arm across my shoulder.
“No way.” Chase’s eyes bugged out as he stared at Dane, and I broke up laughing.
“Gay cowboys and soldiers. I can’t believe it,” Chase said in mock horror. Then he became serious. “So, will you tell me about the Rangers this year, then?”
“Yeah, I promise,” Dane said.
That conversation occurred as we sat around the campfire a couple of nights later. A lot of the guests had turned in early because they were going to Yellowstone the next day, but Chase and his parents, plus Jesse and Sarah, Aunt Kate and Uncle Karl, and Dane and I remained. Jesse and Dane did most of the talking. Chase’s parents asked some tough questions, but by the end of the conversation, they seemed okay with Chase’s decision to enlist.