by Jessica Park
He doesn’t take his eyes from me, and he lets me unleash all of my hurt.
“Does this all make me sick? Yes. Does the thought of you touching her the way you touched me fucking tear me apart? Yes. But, for the record, am I jealous? No. This is not jealousy. I don’t want what you have with her. I would never want something like that with you. And fuck you, no, I’m not going to say her fucking name.” I am crying freely now with no pretense that I can hold it together. “I want what we started to have. What we could have. I mean, am I crazy? Did I really make that all up?” I look at him and shake my head. I start to calm down because I recognize something in him. Something I saw during our last night at the hotel. “No. I didn’t. I can see that … I know you, Chris, and I know that you felt what I did, didn’t you?”
He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to.
I’m right. He fell for me as I fell for him. It’s a fucking hollow victory if ever there was one.
“But I can’t hate you, because you saved me. Without you, I’d still be a walking zombie. Being with you let me …” I look around the room trying to figure out a way to say what I want. Wading through words in my emotional state is nearly impossible. I have next to no idea if I’m making any sense, if I’m reaching him in any capacity, but I need to empty myself of this so that I can go on. “Being with you let me feel, feel everything, and I needed that. I remembered better with you, I healed better with you, and you made … you made everything real.”
I stop. Now I really understand.
“And that’s why you can’t ever be with me, isn’t it? I make everything too real for you. She doesn’t do that. She lets you push away what you want to forget. She makes it safe in the way that you need it to be. You clearly need to trick yourself into … I don’t know …” I am trying so hard not to go to pieces, but it’s a losing battle. “You need to feel normal, whatever that means. Lying to yourself? It’s like what James did. It will catch up with you. It will. I wish I could hate you because that would be easier. But I can’t. I understand that you have to do whatever you can to get through … through whatever happened. Even though I don’t know exactly what that is.”
He cuts me off. “That doesn’t matter. That part of my life is over. I will not look back.” Although his voice is firm, he is infuriatingly as calm as ever, while I am anything but.
“See? That’s exactly what I mean. You feel with me, the same way that I do with you. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. From the moment I saw you by the lake, you did something to me. You … moved me. And when you put your hands on me that day, you infiltrated every part of who I am, and we belonged to each other. Whether you want that or not. And when we were … when you and I were in bed, Chris … that last night … I could feel you, everything about you. That’s what you don’t want. I get how it feels when it’s too much. I couldn’t handle it then either, but I was willing to wait. We shouldn’t have slept together. It was the worst thing we could have done. That’s my fault, though. I take that responsibility.”
Now he is upset. Now his eyes are red. But he doesn’t break down the way I have because his protective walls are thick. “Don’t you dare say we shouldn’t have slept together, Blythe. Don’t you dare.”
I ignore him. “But if attaching yourself to her is what you need—if she’s what you need—to be okay, then I would never try to take that from you.”
He speaks softly, and each word stings to all hell. “She is what I need. We’re compatible, and it’s good for me. It’s what I can handle.”
“Compatible? Is that all you’re looking for in life? You don’t sound even like you’re following your heart.”
“Not every choice has to be governed by emotion.”
I wipe my eyes. Chris takes a step toward me, but I put out my hands and stop him.
“No, don’t touch me. I can’t take it. Please. I just can’t. I’m not going to see you again, I know that, but I can’t say good-bye to you. How can I?” I am so consumed with sadness, I can barely see. “How can I possibly say good-bye to the person I am so hopelessly, deeply, and permanently in love with? Because I love you, Chris. I do. I will always be in love with you, even though you’ll never love me back. You have been my sanctuary this year. You saved me. Do you know that? You saved me. And I wish that you would let me save you.” I don’t want him to have the chance to say anything else. I can’t bear any more of this. I walk to the door. “I really thought good things were coming for us, Chris. I believed. The irony here is that when you saved me, you made me strong enough so that I won’t go back to the dark world I used to live in. Even though you just ripped out my heart. Chris. Oh God, Chris.”
Despite whatever else has happened in my life, I have never felt this type of loss.
I look at him for what feels like the last time. “You are the great love of my life that I’m never going to have.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Strong Enough
Even after what happened with Chris last night, I am still looking forward to the graduation ceremony. This is a hard day for so many reasons, but it is also a glorious one. I have started to rebuild my life. I have Annie and James, I have an internship, and I have a house to live in. I have a lot more than most people. Best of all, I still have Sabin, Estelle, and Eric. It’s going to be a horrible transition to not have their near-constant presence in my daily life. I’ve come to depend on them all so much, and I’ll have to remind myself that while I am losing them in some ways, I am holding on to them in so many others.
The Chris situation is entirely different, and it will make staying in touch with the others harder. I wish I could keep them separate from him in my thoughts, but it’s impossible. I’ll just have to do my best.
During the ceremony, my eyes feel heavy. Sleep was more than elusive last night, and I am exhausted, but I make sure to pay attention to every detail so that I don’t forget anything. I listen to the speeches, to the music, and to the roar of the crowd. I talk to the graduates on either side of me, grateful that, thanks to alphabetical seating, Chris is nowhere in my sight. When it’s my turn to cross the stage and take my diploma, I can hear my friends screaming and cheering for me. I turn and see Sabin standing on a chair and waving like crazy. As I’m walking down the aisle to return to my seat, a hand reaches out and touches my robe. My academic adviser, Tracey.
Impulsively, I throw my arms around her. “I did it.”
“Yes, you did. I’ve been watching you. Three-point-eight GPA this semester? Not shabby at all. You look wonderful. Good for you, sweetheart. Now, go. Enjoy your day.” She smiles broadly and pushes me back into the crowd.
I watch Christopher graduate, realizing this is it. Our time is up. We won’t have a good-bye because that would be intolerable.
I watch in awe when the air above me fills with graduation caps, representations of our collective accomplishment that soar over us. It might have happened late in the game, but I have to admit, it’s great feeling part of something larger. Being able to fit into a world outside of myself is more rewarding than I could have dreamed. While I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life exactly, where I might be in five or ten years, I am better positioned to figure that out than I was at the start of senior year. The depression that swallowed me back then is nearly incomprehensible now. I won’t go back there no matter what. My life has taken a drastic turn in the right direction.
The downfall of shaking depression, though, is that I can feel the letdowns harder.
Later that evening, I have dinner with Annie and James, and Annie gives me a top-of-the-line laptop as a graduation present. I insist that it’s way too much, but she in turn insists that she has no children of her own, so the least I can do is let her spoil me when she wants to. I agree to the emotional spoiling, but the financial is less easy, although I am very grateful for the new computer. James shyly gives me a pair of earrings. He’s concerned that I won’t like them because, since he and his girlfriend are no long
er together, he had to pick them out on his own. I adore them. The three of us are going to be a good team, I know that, but I’ll miss the Shepherd crowd. The inevitable distance between us has already arrived.
Returning to my dorm room for the evening is brutal. Nearly everything of mine is gone from the room except for my suitcases and futon. Chris is going to help Estelle move my bed into storage after I’m gone tomorrow morning, and she’ll have it for the fall semester of her junior year. Sabin has his license back, and he’s going to drive me to the airport, where I’ll meet Annie and James. I can’t think of anyone better to send me off than my first friend here.
Just as I’m getting flooded with loneliness, the door flies open and Estelle, Eric, and Zach barrel in.
“You’re here!” Estelle says happily. “I was afraid Sabin had you off partying your last night away.”
“Nope. Low-key tonight. I don’t need a hangover for the flight.”
“You ready?” Eric asks.
I shake my head. “No. I don’t know … Maybe. ”
We are all looking at one another, knowing this will be the last time we’ll be together like this. Yes, we’ll see one another again, but it won’t be the same. Things are going to change. They already have. I hate good-byes; I really do. I’ve never had to deal with them in this way, and there are no right words that I can think of to tell them how much they mean to me.
“Let’s not draw this out,” I finally say. “This is going to suck, so let’s get it over with.”
“Short and sweet?” Zach offers.
“Yes,” I say. “Make it quick.”
Zach steps in and hugs me. “I know how much you’re hurting. You’re tough, though, and it’s going to be all right.” He kisses me on the cheek and then goes to leave. “I’ll be outside.”
“Bye, Zach.” I wave. I won’t allow more tears.
Estelle reaches into her giant purse that is barely containing the mess of stuff she is carrying around. She hands me a wrapped present. “This is from us. All of us.”
“Oh, you guys didn’t have to get me anything.”
“You just graduated from college. Of course we did. This is a big day, and we’re proud of you.” Eric sighs. “We love you so much.”
I unwrap the box and have to bite my cheek so that I don’t burst into tears.
“This … this was our mother’s,” Eric says shakily. “She wore this necklace all the time. She had a letter charm for each of our names. C, S, E, and E. And we got you a B. You’re one of us. No matter what.”
Estelle groans. “He means no matter what kind of stupid asshole Chris is.”
“Estelle!” Eric snaps.
“It’s true and you know it. Someone has to say it out loud. Blythe, we think he’s making a huge fucking mistake.” She takes the silver necklace with the small charms from my hand and turns me around. “It should be you. We won’t say that to him, and we will be as decent as possible about it, but none of us are the least bit happy.”
I lift my hair while she does the clasp. Although I don’t want any of them thinking badly of Chris or disapproving of his choices, I can’t help but feel flattered. She turns me around again. “There. It looks perfect on you.” She looks at my expression and clamps a hand over my mouth. “Stop it. Don’t say thank you to us. This is us thanking you. I’m going to take my hand away, and you’re not going to say it, agreed?”
I nod and she drops her hand.
Eric clears his throat. “I’m … I’m gonna go after Zach. He’s leaving tomorrow, too,
so …”
“I understand,” I say.
Another good-bye. Another hug. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” I tell him.
He holds me for a long time and then leaves before either of us loses it. He doesn’t have to say anything else to me.
Estelle is next. My roommate and my tough-as-shit friend.
She takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m going out for the night, as I’m sure you guessed.”
I smile.
“I know that you know. So thank you for not blabbing to my brothers. They’d freak. I appreciate your discretion.”
“You’d do the same for me.”
“Blythe, listen. This mess with Chris? It sucks. It really sucks.” She reaches out and touches my necklace for a moment. “Our mother would have loved you. I don’t even remember that much about her. Just bits and pieces, but I remember how it felt to be around her, you know? And I’m sure that she would be goddamn ape-shit crazy for you. Just like we all are.”
I can’t talk, so Estelle continues.
“All of us, Blythe. I hate everybody, and even I’m fucking nuts about you. You’re a cool shit. Chris is so out of his mind that he can’t see what’s right in front of him. He’s going to regret this. He’s going to fucking regret it because you’re going to go off and find someone else, someone smarter than Chris. And I’ll try to be happy for you when you do, even though I don’t want you with anyone else besides my stupid, blind, stubborn brother.”
“Oh, Estelle …” I know what she’s trying to do, but I don’t have that kind of hope right now. “There won’t be anyone else.”
“Don’t say that, Blythe. Don’t sit around waiting for him. That’s not fair to you.”
I know she’s right, but it’s too soon for me to even consider love after Chris. I’m still in too deep.
“I’m not a hugger, but I’m going to hug you anyway.” She smiles at me, but she looks like she’s fighting as hard as I am not to cry.
“Okay, I’m ready. Bring it.” I force a smile back and hold out my arms.
She squeezes me hard. “I’m going to miss the fucking fuck out of you.”
I laugh. “And I’m going to miss the fucking fuck out of you, too.”
“And I’ll video chat the holy shit out of you all the time.”
“And I’ll love it. Just no vibrators on-screen, okay?”
“God, you really are a bitch after all.” She gives me one last squeeze and blows me a kiss as she leaves.
For one brief moment, she drops the hard edge. It’s not what she says, but the tone in her voice and softness in her face. She looks like a little kid, and that hurts to all hell. “I know that I’ll never have another mom, and I know that you’re way too young for me to look at that way, but …” She taps her stiletto heel. “There’s something about you. I will never for a second forget that I had the best fucking roommate anyone could ever ask for.”
***
At one fifteen in the morning, he shows up at my door. I know it’s him just by the rhythm of his knock. I’m too tired to care that I’m in a ragged shirt and underwear, and I stumble through the dark.
I open the door and step aside, but Chris stays where he is, hands in his pockets and his eyes to the ground. He’s not here for a good reason, that much I can feel.
“Are you looking for Estelle? She’s not here.”
He just shakes his head.
“Chris?” Something is wrong. Any animosity I have dissipates immediately. I take him by the arm and lead him through the dark. “What is it?”
He sits next to me on the bed, silent. I give him time because I can tell this is hard for him. Chris doesn’t seem like himself, and he’s worrying me. I take his hand. “Tell me.”
“My father had a heart attack. It was bad.”
“Oh God, Chris.”
He lies down as though he doesn’t have the strength to sit any longer, and I move with him, keeping his hand in mine. He immediately rolls into me, silently asking me to hold him. And I do.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“No.” He whispers and presses his cheek into my chest. “I’m not okay because he’s not dead.”
It takes me a second to understand what he has just said to me. The tragedy of it. I have no idea how to respond to this.
“Why didn’t he die? Why didn’t he die?” Chris grabs on to my arms so that I hold him closer. “Why wasn’t I strong enough
?”
I stroke his hair. “Strong enough for what?”
“Why wasn’t I strong enough to kill him myself?”
“Oh, Chris …” What in God’s name has Chris suffered through? I can feel him crying in my arms. How in the hell can I protect him from this? There is no way.
“I wasn’t strong enough to kill him, and I’m not strong enough to be with you.”
I shut my eyes, and for the next hour I keep him in whatever safety my embrace can provide.
We don’t move; we don’t talk.
We just cry. And breathe.
Later he pulls away slightly and looks at me through the dark. “I’m sorry about last night.”
“Don’t be.” I stroke my thumbs under his eyes and wipe away tears. “I said a lot of things that I shouldn’t have.”
“I’m not strong enough to be with you. I love you, sweet girl. Of course I love you. But I still can’t do this. You were right. What you said about me.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
Chris moves and leans his chest over mine. It’s hard not to cry when he kisses me, because we are kissing for the last time. So I drown in him, wanting to commit his taste and his feel to memory so that I will always have that. His tongue moves slowly, his lips delicately covering mine as we take in every detail of each other. Our hands stay clasped together, never parting.
He only says one thing to me as we kiss our way through the night. “You said something last night that was completely wrong. I could never touch anyone the way that I touch you. And I will never regret falling in love with you. Don’t forget that.”
And this is how we say good-bye.