by Lacy Hart
Sarah stood up and grabbed the shorts she was wearing last night and put them on, and then grabbed her purse, and we headed out the door. The warmth of the sun hit us both right away as we made our way down the steps to my Jeep. I saw that Linda’s car was gone, which was no surprise since it was after nine, and I climbed into my car as Sarah got in the passenger’s side.
As we made the short ride over to Sarah’s house, I could see her starting to get tense as we got closer to the location. She was biting her bottom lip as she turned to look out the window as we got close to the driveway. When we pulled in and she didn’t see any cars there but her own, she let out a big sigh. She reached into her purse and grabbed her keys.
“I’ll just be a few minutes,” she said as she got out of the car.
“No problem,” I answered and watched her walk quickly to the front door. She slipped inside and closed the door behind her. I looked down at my own phone to see if there was anything for me and saw a message from Linda from this morning.
Everything okay? I didn’t see you at breakfast before we left. Don’t forget your appointment with Dr. Weber tonight. See you later.
“Forever the big sister,” I said out loud to myself. I typed a message back to her, letting her know I was fine, that I was spending the day with Sarah, and that I would not miss my meeting tonight. Linda simply sent back a smiling face emoji to me.
It wasn’t long before Sarah came darting out of the house, slamming the door behind her. She was carrying two small bags with her as she rushed over to the Jeep and got inside. She smiled over at me as she pulled her seatbelt on.
“I grabbed my laptop, and some clothes and stuff for a couple of days. I hope it’s not too much,” Sarah said to me. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? I am sure I could stay with Fran for a couple of days.”
“Sarah, it’s fine,” I reassured her. “If anything, you’re the one that will have to put up with me and my quirks. Maybe we should run out to the store and grab a few things for my apartment. I’m sure I need some supplies to satisfy more than me.”
I drove over to the local supermarket, pulling into the small parking lot, and we both got out and walked into the store. I grabbed a shopping cart, and we worked our way around the store, picking up some basics that I never had in my refrigerator or cabinets but normal people probably had all the time in their homes. I also made sure Sarah picked out things that would make her more comfortable in my home. While most people may find the ritual of going to the supermarket mundane, this trip for me was a good one. It had been a long time since I had been out to do something like this with anyone and brought back memories of what it had been like to go shopping with Ella when I would be on leave. Just shopping with Sarah like this was helping to make me feel whole again.
We went through the store and got what we needed, and then headed back to the apartment so that we could put everything away. Sarah took over right away, working diligently to make sure the groceries got put away where I could find them and use them. She even picked up a few things like fresh fruit and vegetables and some meat for meals.
“You know, Sarah,” I said to her as I was helping to put things away, “I eat most of my meals with Linda and Adam at the house. I probably don’t need all this stuff here.” I looked at the fresh broccoli she bought and handed it to her to put in their fridge.
“And I bet you guys get takeout all the time, don’t you?” Sarah said with a smile.
“Well, yeah, usually,” I admitted. “Linda works hard all day, and Adam has school work to do and practice, and, well… I don’t really know how to cook much myself. I ate Army meals for twenty years unless I was home, and then Ella always did all the cooking.”
Sarah closed the fridge as she finished storing the goods. She came over to me and put her arms around my waist.
“I can teach you to cook a few things so you can make dinner for everyone,” she told me. “I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty good.”
“I’d say you were an expert,” I told her, giving her a sly grin as I slid my hand from around her back to her hip, gently guiding it under the t-shirt she wore so I could feel her bare flesh tingle under my fingers.
Sarah sighed lightly and closed her eyes as my hand worked across her stomach and inched its way upward towards her breasts.
“Caleb,” Sarah gasped as my hands grazed across her nipples, “What are you doing?”
“I was feeling a little hungry myself,” I told her, eagerly kissing her neck as my hands continued to explore her body.
I took a step back from Sarah to look at her, and she opened her eyes to peer back at me.
“What?” she asked me, as she stood with her body lightly shaking.
“I think I’d like to have lunch in bed today,” I told her as I quickly grabbed her hand and raced with her towards the bedroom as she squealed and giggled.
21
Caleb
Sarah and I spent most of the afternoon together, getting to know each other more and more on different levels. There was certainly the physical aspect of it as we explored and learned the subtle nuances of each other, finding the spots that elicited the blissful reactions we each wanted. We also got to know one another more on a personal level, asking questions about our pasts, our presents, and our futures. Sarah gave me insight into what it was like for her to grow up in a strict, religious family, while I gave her a glimpse of the life Linda and I had as kids, where she spent more time protecting me from my parents than them worrying about what was going on in our lives.
Sarah let me know she wanted much more from life than what working as a waitress had to offer, and she felt confident that the education she was getting from Swanson College, even with its fits and starts, was going to give her the opportunities that she dreamed about. It made me think back to when I first started with the Army, looking for new chances to do different things, to learn, and to forge a life and career that I would be happy with and proud of.
The afternoon wore on, and I finally was able to get an answer out of Sarah about what she might want to do for the evening. She settled on going to Peter’s, an upscale restaurant in Swanson that all the locals rave about. I knew Linda had entertained clients and other lawyers there before and gave her a quick call to see if she could finagle a reservation for this evening there for me. She was more than happy to help, feeling glad I was going out and spending time out of my apartment. She also made sure to remind me, once again, about seeing Dr. Weber tonight.
“I know you’re feeling better, Caleb,” Linda said to me, “but it’s still important that you go to see him. I think you need this in your life right now.”
“Linda, don’t worry. I’m going, I promise you. We’ll go to dinner after I am done, so if you could make the reservation for 7:30, that would be great.”
“I’ll take care of it for you,” she said confidently. “Have a good time little brother.”
“Thanks, big sister.”
After that phone call, I went back to snuggling with Sarah in bed, until it got to be about five o’clock. It was then I knew I had to start getting myself ready since I would have to go right from Dr. Weber to dinner.
I opened my closet and saw I only had two choices for a suit and chose my black suit to wear. I started looking through my small selection of shirts to wear with the suit when Sarah came over to the closet to join me.
“Let me pick something for you,” she said to me as she flipped through my shirts. “There’s not much in here, Caleb. You need to add some color to your life.”
“I never had much of a need to wear suits. It was either my military clothing or t-shirts for me.”
“This one will work,” Sarah said as she pulled a light blue-colored shirt from the back of the closet. “Now you need a dark blue tie to go with it. Where are your ties?”
I pulled the tie rack over from the edge of the closet, and Sarah looked through to find a tie that would match. Sarah scanned over the selection before she found what
she was looking for.
“Perfect,” she said as she grabbed the navy-colored tie.
I got dressed in my suit, and I could spy Sarah watching me in the mirror as she looked at me tying my tie. I saw her rise off the bed and come up behind me as I put the finishing touch on the tie and centered the knot perfectly.
“Hmmm,” she purred as she peered over my shoulder. “I just love watching you do that. It just seems so… manly.” She crept in front of me and kissed me, and then looked me up and down in my suit. “You clean up very nicely,” she said to me with a laugh. “I’ve only ever seen you in jeans or running clothes. This is quite a turn on.”
Sarah snaked her hands under my suit jacket and wrapped them around my waist, bringing her body right up against mine. My body was steadily reacting to her touches, especially when I felt her right hand moving beneath my waist.
“Sarah…,” I groaned. “As much as I would love to, I have to go to this appointment.”
“I know,” she pouted. “Okay, you get going. I have to get myself ready anyway. I’ll walk over and meet you at the restaurant.”
“You don’t have to walk,” I said to her. “Take my Jeep over, and I’ll walk over and meet you. It will be easier.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind the walk.”
“Take the car,” I told her, handing her the keys. “You don’t want to walk all that way in whatever shoes you are going to wear, I am sure. The doctor’s office isn’t that far from Peter’s. It will take me ten minutes, tops.”
“If you insist,” Sarah said, planting a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll see you at the restaurant then.”
I grabbed my wallet and headed out the door, going down the steps and walking up the driveway. As I was moving up the driveway, I heard a noise behind me. I saw Adam wheeling the garbage can up to the driveway for pickup in the morning.
“What are you all dressed up for?” Adam questioned as he rolled the cans.
“Oh… well, I… I’m having dinner tonight… with Sarah.”
Adam got the can to the top of the driveway and stopped there.
“Wow, that’s great Dad,” he said to me.
“Are you sure you’re okay with it?” I was worried if he would be accepting of the idea now.
“Dad, I’m fine with it, really. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t go out and have a good time. Have fun.”
“Thanks, bud,” I said, putting my arm on his shoulder.
“Just so you know,” I said, feeling a bit sheepish, “Sarah is up in my apartment. She’s going to take the Jeep over to the restaurant. Just let Aunt Linda know so she doesn’t freak out when the car is gone.”
Adam glanced up at the apartment and then back at me. He smiled at me and nodded.
“I’ll let her know. See you later.”
I watched Adam walk down the driveway towards the house before I went up the street and made the trek over to Dr. Weber’s office. I arrived right on time, entering the office building right at six and opening the door to his office.
“Nice to see you, Caleb,” Dr. Weber said, standing in his waiting room as if he was waiting for me. “You really didn’t have to get dressed up to come over here today,” Dr. Weber joked as we entered and sat down on the chairs in his office.
“Oh, this,” I said, looking down at my suit. “No, I’m going to dinner after this, and needed to look nice.”
“Oh, where are you going?” he asked me.
“Peter’s.”
“Wow, nice place. I love going there. Get the ribeye, it’s fantastic.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I told him.
“Going with anyone particular?” Dr. Weber asked as he sat back in his chair.
“Well… yes… a woman I met last week.” Suddenly I was feeling uncomfortable about talking about it.
“Great,” Dr. Weber replied enthusiastically. “I’m glad to see you met someone. How do you feel about going out like that?”
“I’m excited about it, but I also feel a bit nervous.”
“Why do you feel nervous?” I saw Dr. Weber lean forward a bit in his chair.
“I don’t know. I haven’t been on a date in almost twenty years, at least not with someone who wasn’t… wasn’t my wife.” I heard my voice trail off a bit as I answered him.
“Are you nervous that you won’t know how to act, or are you nervous because you feel like you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing?”
I shifted in the chair a bit, hearing the fabric of my suit rustle against the chair.
“I think part of me still feels like… like I am betraying Ella in some way. Even though I know I shouldn’t feel this way, I do feel a twinge of guilt. I really like Sarah… she’s the woman I have been seeing… and we have connected well, better than I ever thought I could with a woman again. I look forward to every moment I get to spend with her, but somewhere in the back of my mind, Ella is still there.”
“Caleb,” Dr. Weber said to me, “have you ever grieved about Ella?”
I almost felt offended by the question.
“Of course I have,” I said indignantly. “Hearing about her death, the funeral, and afterward… I felt terrible. And then dealing with Adam, the details, and just life without her… I think about her every day.”
“That’s not exactly what I meant,” Dr. Weber said to me. “Have you ever given yourself the opportunity to cry about it, let the emotion out beyond just thinking about her?”
I sat back in the chair and looked at Dr. Weber.
“I… I haven’t… and I don’t know that I could. Right after the funeral, I didn’t have much time to process everything. I had to get right back to overseas, and then I was so caught up in what I was doing, I couldn’t take time to do something like that. After I got home, it just seemed like it was so long ago, I just didn’t.”
“Do you think it’s because you didn’t feel you needed to, or because you didn’t want to deal with it?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that.
“I think it’s probably a little of both,” I said honestly. “Part of me thought I was through grieving about it, but another part of me never wants to face it.”
“Properly grieving about it can be a big help to you, Caleb. Whether that’s talking about it with your sister, your son, with me, or with this new person in your life. You have a lot of emotion you have been holding in for a long time, not just about what happened to Ella, but what has gone on in your life. You’ve been through a lot, Caleb. More than what the average person must deal with. Having an outlet for all of that building inside you is necessary.”
I stood up from the chair and considered leaving the office. Even though I knew Dr. Weber was right about all of it, facing all of what was inside… from what I went through as a kid, to what I saw in the Army, to Ella – it all seemed too much to deal with.
“I can’t,” I said to Dr. Weber. “I can’t take all that on at once. It’s too much.”
“I’m not asking you to do that,” Dr. Weber told me as he stood up next to me. “I think we can take it a piece at a time, talk about things, figure out how you can best cope with them, and move from there. Does that sound good?”
I sat back down in the chair and looked at him, feeling a lump forming in my throat.
“Okay,” I said to him, trying to remain calm. “Where do we start?”
“That’s up to you,” he said, moving over from the chair behind his desk to the one right in front of me. “Let’s start where you feel most comfortable. We can talk about your childhood, your marriage, the Army, whatever you want.”
“Let’s talk about the Army,” I told him, feeling that was a topic I was most in control of.
“Okay,” Dr. Weber said. He went back to his desk and grabbed a folder he had. “I got some of your records from the Army like I said I would. You were right. They made sure to redact a lot of what you did, but from what I read I think it gives us a good place to start. Why did you go into Special Forces?”
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br /> “It wasn’t a goal of mine when I joined the Army,” I answered. “I went into the military because I saw it as a good way out of where I was. Linda was already out of the house and in college, and I had started to spend as little time as possible at home anyway. My parents were not the ideal people to be around, and when the Army recruiter came around talking to seniors in high school, it sounded like it had everything I wanted, so I enlisted. It was while I was at basic training that they approached me about it, and I thought, cool, that sounds like it would be for me, and it was. Even though the training was grueling, it was all worth it. I learned things during training that most of the world might never know how to do. I can speak different languages, swim and run long distances, assemble weapons with ease, and even diffuse volatile situations when needed. I also formed some of the strongest friendships I’ll ever have working with my battalion for so long.”