I was more than a little shocked to see her at my door and with everything I could possibly need. Kynlee appears in my doorway and I take in her appearance. Her face was bare, but it was beautiful without any makeup. Her long hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail and she has glasses on. I hadn’t realized that she even wore glasses or contacts. Her yoga pants, t-shirt and zipper hoodie looked so different from her normal attire. I like this side of Kynlee. I watch as she takes in my room.
I clear my throat which seems to remind Kynlee that I’m in the room too. She hurries over to me and hands me the soup. “Here, eat this and then you can take these,” she says, as she sits the medicine on my nightstand.
I’ve never had a girl inside my bedroom before. They only got as far as my living room, it was odd having Kynlee in here but a good odd. She’s unsure what to do so I pat the bed. “Sit down Kynlee,” she does as I say. I take a bite of the soup and it’s like heaven to my throat. I can’t taste much, but I can taste enough to know this is amazing. “Did you make this soup?”
Kynlee nods, “Yeah, it’s my mama’s recipe. Why?”
I shake my head slightly in shock. Kynlee doesn’t exactly strike me as the cooking type but apparently, I’m wrong. “I didn’t know you could cook.”
She cocks her head to the side and the playful smirk comes over her face, “Oh Ace, there’s a lot you don’t know.”
I was starting to get that. I was starting to understand that there was a lot more to Kynlee than I had anticipated. “I’m starting to get that so why don’t you fill me in. Tell me about your childhood.”
“Well, I have a younger brother and sister, I was really close to my mom and we moved a lot because my dad was in the military up until a few years ago. He retired, and we moved back to Texas since both of my parents are from there originally,” she explains.
“Was that a shock? Going from here to there?” Kynlee gave me a questioning look, “You went to school here your freshman year, right?”
“Yeah…I just didn’t realize that you knew that,” she answers quietly.
“I knew I remembered your face the first night I saw you, but then I saw you with Kenndrix and it all fell into place,” I explain to her. “So, are you close to your brother and sister?”
“Johnny and Brooke. Brooke, yes we’re very close but Johnny not so much, he’s my dad made over.”
“What do you mean?” I ask her.
A harsh laugh escapes her mouth. “I think basically I’m the last thing my dad expected. I’m probably his biggest disappointment so I guess it’s good he had two other kids.”
She plays with the sleeve of her jacket while I reach over and tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear. “I don’t know how you could be a disappointment to anyone.”
Her brown eyes lock on mine and for a minute the silence is heated with the electricity passing between us but Kynlee reaches for the medicine and hands it to me. “Take two of these.” I do as she says. She turns to leave but before I can think about it I grab her hand. She turns around and looks at me, I stare intently into her brown eyes. I hope she can read it in mine, I want her to stay but I can’t say that. Then Kynlee walks back toward me and climbs into bed next to me. Just like she always does. She can read me, she can see it in my eyes even when I can’t say it. She understands me in a way no one else ever has and it scares the hell out of me.
As she curls up next to me I think back to a night when my mom was still alive. I had told her that I’d never love a girl the way I loved her, she had laughed, that light airy laugh of hers and then pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Ace, my sweet boy, one day you will love so fully that it will feel like you are drowning within the soul of that person and I want you to remember on that day that I said this…love is like drowning but having to trust the other person to save you. It’s the best and most terrifying feeling in the world and one day you will love like that. She’ll be your angel Ace, she’ll save you even when you can’t save yourself.”
My angel? I’ve always wondered what my mom meant that night, but with Kynlee in my arms I wonder if maybe she wasn’t right. I swore that I’d never love anyone aside from my family after my mom died, but how do I stop what’s happening between Kynlee and me? This was supposed to just be for fun but I can’t help feeling like maybe she is my angel…
Kynlee is asleep within in minutes, she must have been exhausted. Her head is resting on my chest and her tiny hand is lying on my shoulder. I wrap my hand around her wrist and feel the steady beating of her pulse underneath. The steady rhythm is like music to my soul. I press a kiss to her forehead and my eyelids start to feel heavy with sleep and before I know it I’m out.
The cemetery builds around me, my brothers, dad and me all stand around the open grave. I watch as they fill it with dirt and all I want to do is climb inside of it. With every shovel full of dirt placed on top of my mother I know my life is forever changed. Things will never be the same for me. I’ll never read her another book, I’ll never share another glass of lemonade with her, I’ll never hug her again. The tears start to run down my face silently but Jagger notices, just like he always notices. His arm comes around my shoulder. I lean against his side for support.
The grave is full before I know it, the people all start to walk away, back to their cars, back to their lives while I’m standing there. I’m lost and I’m numb and I just want my mom back. Jagger takes my hand in his and tries to pull me in the direction of our car but I won’t move. I’m rooted to this spot. Jagger doesn’t insist he just tells the others to go. He stands beside me, quietly for God knows how long.
It starts to rain and the wind picks up. I should be cold but I don’t feel it. Instead, I sit on the wet ground next to my mom. Jagger gives up and sits beside me, at some point Bowie joined us. Axell and Sadie come up, but instead of sitting with us Axell scoops me up and carries me away. I hit his back and kick with every ounce of strength I have. I’m screaming, “No, no, no!” while the tears run down my face mixed with the rain drops. I look over Axell’s shoulder and watch as we get further and further away from mom. We’re leaving her but I promised I wouldn’t. I keep telling Axell that but he keeps telling me it’s okay, but it’s not okay! Nothing will ever be okay again! I start to scream no again as I’m placed in the back seat. “No, no, no…!”
I’m no longer lying on my back with Kynlee curled up beside me. Instead I’m sitting up in my bed, covered in sweat with a few stray tears running down my cheeks. Kynlee is on her knees next to me in bed. This is why I never let anyone stay the night. This is why I never stay the night with anyone. The nightmares that haunt me, no one knows about them aside from my brothers and Sadie. I avert my eyes to the nightstand because I can’t find it within me to look at Kynlee. After a moment I feel the bed move under her weight. I knew she’d leave I think to myself. So, when her arms wrap around my shoulders they startle me. Her lips are cool when she presses a kiss to my neck. She didn’t leave, instead it’s like she knows I need to be held together.
Chapter 7
Kynlee
The last thing I had expected when I crawled into bed with Ace was this. If someone would have asked me to bet on the last thing I expected; this wouldn’t even be on the list, but here we are. I’m not sure what else to do but I can sense that he needs someone. When he had begun thrashing around and mumbling I had no idea what was going on. Once I was awake I could tell he was dreaming but I was still unsure of how to handle the situation. I knew that waking someone up could be dangerous. Unless you knew how they would react it wasn’t usually recommended, but I hated to hear Ace’s voice so strangled, almost like he was crying.
Ace continued to thrash around and his mumbles became cries and whispered, urgent yells. My heart broke for him. I was pretty sure this was about his mother so when I heard him whisper, ‘mom’ it didn’t shock me too much. I knew she had passed away while he was younger. I remembered Kenndrix talking about it once when I had first mo
ved here. She could tell I was crushing on Ace and gave me all the details she knew which were actually more than I expected, but then again, she had lived here her entire life and even though they didn’t run in the same crowd or live in the same neighborhood she knew him. Then again everyone knew the James’ brothers.
Ace’s hands were balled into fists, gripping the sheets as if his life depended on it. His body was starting to glisten from the sweat. All I wanted to do was comfort him but I knew Ace, he wouldn’t want that from me. Seeing him suffering through this dream of his mother made me wonder if that was why he was indifferent. Was her death still haunting him? Was her death the reason he kept that wall up along with his badass façade?
Don’t get me wrong, Ace William James is a badass, probably one of the few true ones I know but underneath that there’s more, I know there is. He uses his façade to keep people away. Could it be that underneath that is just a scared little boy who never got over losing his mother?
Ace jolts, sitting up in the bed. His eyes are wide and bloodshot, his breathing labored. He looks at me briefly before running his hands roughly over his face. Then he moves to the side of the bed. He never speaks, but I watch the fast movement of his shoulders as his breathing slows. I sit in the middle of the bed unsure what to do.
Before I can worry about rather Ace would want me to or not, I crawl toward him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I press a light kiss to the back of his neck. He doesn’t move or say anything, but I can feel some of the tension leave his body. I’m not sure what he thought I’d do but I get the impression this wasn’t it. I don’t know how long we stay like this but when Ace turns around and looks me in the eye, it takes my breath away.
His normally guarded blue eyes are…vulnerable? Is it possible for Ace to be such a thing? I sit there completely floored by the look in his eyes, unable to comprehend what I’m seeing for a moment, but then slowly it sinks in. Ace may never say the words but something between us just shifted. I can see it in his eyes, its right there, clear as day. Ace’s guard is down, at least with me and in this moment, I know I’ve fallen in love with him.
****
Ace
Kynlee seeing me, I mean seeing the real me, all of me; that made something in my mind change. I had already been questioning her and what she meant to my life. If there was a chance she could be what my mom used to say I’d find one day, in this moment I know she is. She could have easily gotten up and left, I mean I gave her that chance. I had turned away from her and never looked back in her direction, when the bed shifted from her weight I felt my heart fall to my stomach because I knew then that I didn’t matter. I may not want to admit it but I wanted to matter to someone, I wanted to matter to her, even if that scared the hell out of me.
Instead, of Kynlee leaving her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and in that instant my heart started to pound in my chest, the blood rushing through my veins at lightning speed. Kynlee hadn’t left and the relief that flooded through me was overwhelming.
We sat like that for a long time, in a comfortable silence, her holding me together, fixing broken pieces that I never thought could be fixed. It was in that moment that I realized just how far I had fallen. I had fallen for her without even trying or knowing. I had fallen even when I had tried not to. I hadn’t meant to fall like this because that meant that my entire world could be shattered again and I didn’t want that, but damn if it hadn’t happened.
Finally, I find the courage to turn around and face her and the moment I stare into those brown eyes, I know. I know that my world is forever changed because of one girl, one girl who snuck into my heart at some point. I know she deserves better. Someone who can build a real life with her, someone who can give her the world, someone who can love her the way she deserves to be loved.
I do love her but I can never say that out loud. I can never admit that to anyone, not even her because the minute I do I give her the power to destroy me, to destroy my life. It’s that very fact that makes me not worthy of Kynlee. I’m not worthy of the way she looks at me as if I’m the best thing to happen to her. I’m not worthy of her in any way, but I’m a selfish man and even if I’m not worthy I’m going to take what I can get. I may not say the words but I can show her the best way I know how.
In this moment, my entire world has shifted. It’s like my world was only black and white before; but now it’s surrounded by this ray of sunshine. I won’t let that sunshine go. My world is not just my world anymore, my world is Kynlee.
Chapter 8
Kynlee
It had been a couple of weeks since I had spent the night with Ace and found out he was still haunted by the death of his mother. I had felt something shift between us that night and I had been correct. Since then, we have really fallen into a couple like state. No, we don’t say we were a couple, but we certainly act like it and it seems to be a silent understanding to everyone around us. I don’t need the label of Ace James’ girlfriend, I just need him to open up and he was trying.
We had grown closer since that night. He has told me how he believed their mother’s death had affected him more than the rest. He has expressed to me just how lost he has felt without her and how he went from the good kid to the bad boy. He felt as if he had no reason to continue to please anyone after she was gone, so he threw all caution to the wind. Maybe, one of the most surprising things I have found out about Ace is that he’s smart, I mean really smart. I mean smart enough that he could almost put Kenndrix to shame (and she’s the smartest person I know).
Another thing I learned is just how talented he is. He doesn’t even have to trace the sketches for tattoos, he can just free hand it and most of the time they look exactly like the original or better. I also learned that he had been a part of an emo rock band the last two years of high school. He had just recently quit before I moved back to town. Royal Eternity had called it quits all together after the lead singer and Ace, the lead guitarist, left.
There were these brief fleeting moments when he lets me in, past all his bluster, past that wall that he has built to keep everyone out and, in those moments, he takes my breath away. The way his eyes light up when he’s talking about his passions and his family. The way his jaw becomes tight and sets in a rigid stance while talking about his mother, fighting off his unwanted tears and emotions. The way he looks at me and sees someone that is good enough to conquer the world without taking her clothes off. He sees me as something that I have never believed I was, and in those moments with hearts beating erratically I know I have fallen madly, and uncontrollably in love with Ace James.
However, it was also in those brief moments that a part of me wants to shut down. I don’t like the idea of being so completely caught up in him. I don’t like the idea of how vulnerable he makes me, especially with a guy like him. He’s damaged and mixing that with my insecurity is no match made in heaven. I just don’t know how much would be too much. I hold my breath every time he begins to open up, it’s bittersweet. I love learning about Ace, but I know that at some point, I’m going to have to open up as well.
Over the years I’ve become a pro at my act. You know the one where you act like nothing bothers you that your armor is unchipped by anything that anyone says or does, but slowly it does chip at you until that one moment. Being the child in an army family was no easy task. We changed schools more than I would ever wish on anyone. Just as we started to settle in and start to make some friends we would be moving again. I learned early on that I was destined to be an outcast. As much as I wanted and craved acceptance I was never going to have it.
Until the day my dad announced he was retiring from the army. My parents had decided to move back to their favorite place, Los Angeles. I was excited because it meant I might actually get to make friends, put down some roots, and become accepted. On the first day of school I met Kenndrix. Kenndrix has been my one constant in my life rather we lived next door to each other or two thousand miles apart. She could tell by a text
when something was wrong with me and she is relentless to find out the truth. She had seemed so weak because of the tears she let fall when she was being teased, but in all honesty, she’s the strongest person I know. She’s stronger than I could ever be.
I had also seen Ace James on the school campus that first day of school. He was standing next to Jaxx and Pierce. Even across the crowded parking lot, I felt drawn to him. They say that two souls know when they’re meant for one another. Well, I had to believe that was us to an extent. However, in the middle of the school year my parents had told me, Johnny, and Brooke that at the end of the school year we would be moving to Texas. My grandfather had passed away recently and my grandmother was going to need to help around her farm now.
I remember how quickly I deflated at the idea of having to move again. I loved L.A. and everything about it. School might have been a nightmare because I was still an outcast but at least I had Kenndrix to suffer the days out with me. Instantly, I felt worried about her facing the bullies alone then another thought occurred to me; if we moved I wouldn’t see Ace anymore. By the end of the school year, I was fighting with my parents all the time. I spent most of my time in my room because I was so angry about having to move.
On the last day of school, I said my goodbyes to Kenndrix and Los Angeles. As we pulled into the small Texas town I felt my stomach fill with dread. There was no way I was going to fit in there. However, over the summer I began to grow out of my awkward stage. I had let my hair grow and my braces were removed. I began wearing makeup and my body had become curvier than before. The week before school started there was a back to school party down by the lake. Brooke and I had went shopping and I ended up buying a new bikini, one I knew my parents wouldn’t approve of so I slipped on a pair of denim cutoffs and tank top over it.
Breaking the Limits Page 4