Beautiful Burn

by Jamie McGuire

  "How?" I said. "I didn't even know."

  He was fidgeting, taking off his ball cap and pulling it low over his head, then lifting it again so he could properly see to drive. He rubbed the back of his neck, shifted in his seat, and adjusted the radio.

  "Tyler," I said. "Just say it. If it's too much for you, I get it. It's not your fault. I put you through a lot."

  He turned, shooting a glare in my direction, and then he pulled the truck over onto the shoulder of the highway, shoving the gearshift into park.

  "You wind up on the filthy floor of a gas station bathroom. You kiss me goodbye, and then you just fucking disappear. I've been stuck on a mountain, worried sick, Ellison. I had no way to get to you, no way to call around to find out if you were even alive, and even then, I didn't sleep because every phone call I made led nowhere."

  I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry. I've done a lot of selfish things, and I owe you more than one apology."

  "No," he said, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have left you at the apartment. I saw you struggling. You've been struggling for a while. I've taken you to a fucking bar, I pulled some strings to get you out of jail because you were drunk and looking for the fire, I've taken you to parties, and knew you were spiking your coffee at work ... I'm your friend first, Ellie, and I've failed you on every level."

  Barb had explained to me the hurricane I would walk into when I was released from Passages. I wouldn't only have to navigate my own guilt, but the guilt of everyone who loved me as well.

  "Tyler, stop. We both know you couldn't have stopped me if you wanted. I had to be the one to make the decision, and you loved me right up until I did."

  His warm brown eyes were glossed over, full of desperation. "We were both messed up the night we met, but the more time I spent with you, the more normal I felt."

  I breathed out a laugh. "Me, too."

  He paled, reaching for the glove box. He popped it open, clutching a small, dark red box. "Open it."

  The box creaked open, and I exhaled, searching for words that never came.

  "You know what it's like up on the mountain. Even when I'm digging ditches, there's a lot of time to think. When Jojo told me you were coming home ... I went straight to the jeweler's. I can't imagine anything else but being with you and coming home to you and ... Ellie, will you--"

  "This is a lot my first day back."

  He nodded a few times, and then snatched the box from me. He faced forward, hitting his steering wheel with the heel of his hand. "Goddamn it! I wasn't going to say that. I told myself a hundred times on the way here not to tell you. You don't need this right now. You just got home, and I'm throwing all this heavy shit at you."

  My chest felt tight. "I've put you through hell," I said, sinking into guilt so deeply I wasn't sure I could crawl out.

  He looked up at me. "If you're the fire, Ellie ... I'll burn."

  A tear tumbled over my cheek, and I could see him waiting for me to decide what my tears meant. I reached for him, and he pulled me over the console into his lap, wrapping his arms around me and planting tiny pecks on my neck and cheek until he reached my mouth.

  His hands cupped each side of my jaw, and he kissed me deep and slow, telling me he loved me without saying anything at all.

  He pulled back, touching his forehead to mine, his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling with every quick breath. He looked up at me, his eyebrows pulling in, but before he could ask, I blurted out the answer.

  "Yes."

  "Really?" he asked with a small, hopeful smile.

  "But," I began. His face fell, the hope in his eyes extinguished. "I have a lot of things I need to work on. I'm going to need a lot of time, and a lot of patience."

  He shook his head and sat up, ready to fight for me. He opened the box, plucking the small silver band with a single round solitaire diamond. "I know it's not as big as Finley's..."

  "I don't care about that. I just care about what this means."

  He slipped the band onto my finger and choked out a laugh. "Holy shit."

  I thought about his words, letting them bounce around in my mind along with everything I'd learned over the past two months. Returning to old relationships or starting new ones was a recipe for a relapse, and Tyler and I qualified as both. Knowing that, I knew no one could teach me how to love me better than him.

  "Can we just...?" I began.

  "Whatever you need, baby," he said, holding my hand to his lips.

  I settled back into my seat, and Tyler's hand encompassed mine for the rest of the way back to Estes Park. I didn't feel added stress or worry or anxious--quite the opposite. Everything had seemed to fall into place in the same day. The new Ellie was home, in love, engaged, and happy. I couldn't imagine anything emotionally healthier than that. Not that I expected everything to be smooth sailing, but when I looked at Tyler, the only thing I felt was content.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Jojo poked her head around the corner, looking like she'd fallen asleep in a tanning bed. Her long blonde braid hung from the nape of her neck, swinging a bit in front of her shoulder. "Got a minute?"

  "Sure," I said. "Just let me finish up this..." I typed out a few more words, saved the document, and sat back in my office chair.

  "How does it feel to be back?" she asked, collapsing into the love seat in front of my desk.

  "Um ... fine," I said, nodding.

  "And how do you like your new place?" she asked.

  I nodded again. "That it's not mine, nor anything that's in it."

  "I know this is hard. It'd be harder without their help. Right now the focus is on getting well."

  "I know. Tyler says the same. He's not even pushing me to move in with him, which is ... weird."

  "But smart. Congratulations, by the way." The synapses of Jojo's mind were clearly firing, and I waited while she twisted the platinum strands hanging from the clear elastic band securing her braid. "Chief called today. He asked how you were doing."

  "The Alpine crew's superintendent?"

  "Yes, that Chief. He asked a few questions about your recovery."

  "Awkward."

  "He wants to give you another chance."

  "He does," I said, dubious.

  "The Alpine crew is on R&R now."

  "I know."

  "They're leaving for Colorado Springs in two days."

  "I know that, too."

  "When they're back, Chief asked me if you'd be ready."

  "Why would he want me to come back?" I asked, suspicious.

  "He saw your latest feature on the forestry service. It's getting great reception, and they would like to see it wrapped up on a positive note."

  "I guess the AP picking it up helped him make that decision?"

  Jojo smiled. "I'm pretty sure Daddy would adopt you if he could. You put this magazine on the map. Ad space is booked up for six months. Subscription numbers set a new high every day. That was all you, Ellie. I can't even take the credit for the last write-up. I used almost every word you wrote."

  "I noticed your name was absent."

  "With good reason," she said, leaning forward. "Getting you well is our first priority. If you think it's too much, too soon, we'll push it back to next year's fire season. Daddy wanted to make sure you knew that."

  I turned, seeing that Wick's door was closed. It had been that way since I'd returned to a full-time desk job.

  "No, I can do it," I said, my heart thumping against my chest. I tried not to make my excitement too obvious.

  Jojo's entire face brightened. "Really?"

  "Yeah. Just stop saying well. It makes me feel sick."

  She stood, shaking her head. "Absolutely. Won't mention it again." Not two seconds after she turned the corner, her orange face popped back in, her hot-pink lipstick bordering her bright smile. "That's not true. I'll mention it if necessary."

  "Understood."

  Jojo left me alone, and I leaned back, taking in a deep breath. The surface of my desk was still as empty a
s it had been on my first day, but for the three photographs I had framed. I picked up the metal five-by-seven, looking over the hideously cropped retake of a picture of Finley hanging on the wall of the chateau. It was ironic that that very picture had landed me the photography job in the first place, and just eighteen months later, it looked so amateur I had to lay it flat on its face several times a day.

  The front door chimed, and Jojo greeted whoever approached her front desk. I could tell by the familiarity and condescension in her voice that it was Tyler.

  "Ellie?" Jojo's voice squeaked over the intercom.

  I pressed a button. "Yes?"

  Tyler was in the background, complaining that Jojo should just let him come back to my office.

  "Tyler Maddox is here to see you. Shall I allow him back, or would you like me to suggest he return to the sea of venereal disease where he came from?"

  I spit out a laugh. "Send him back."

  She sighed loudly. "Fine."

  Tyler appeared, holding two fountain drinks. "Sprite for you," he said, sitting it on my desk. "Cherry Coke for me."

  "Thank you," I said, wrapping my lips around the straw. "So, Chief called today."

  "Did he?" Tyler asking, feigning surprise. He sat on the love seat in the exact spot Jojo had been, bouncing a few times.

  "How did you talk him into it?"

  "Now how in the hell am I going to talk Chief into bringing you back after what you pulled in Colorado Springs?"

  "Don't lie."

  "You're right. We all talked him into it."

  "Who's we?"

  "The guys. They miss you. Puddin' laments your grilled cheese at least twice a day."

  "I said yes."

  His eyebrows shot up. "You did?"

  I nodded, and he popped out of the love seat, leaning over my desk and grabbing my cheeks to plant a kiss on my lips.

  "Wow, I should say yes more often."

  "I agree. Remember what happened the night of the last time you said yes?"

  "Yes, I do."

  He smirked. "You said yes a lot that night."

  "Shut it. What are you doing tonight?"

  "Besides you?" he asked.

  "Hilarious. Any plans?"

  He chuckled, itching the side of his nose. "No, baby. You're the only plans I have."

  "Good, because we've been invited to dinner at the chateau."

  "What's that?"

  "My parents' vacation home."

  He blanched. "Say what?"

  "My parents would like to meet you."

  He blinked, his entire body frozen in the position it was in when I broke the news. "Oh."

  "Oh?"

  "I just thought ... you know ... we weren't going to any parties."

  "Not a party. Dinner. And they're serving sparkling water. Finley will be there."

  "So, what you're saying is ... this will be the most awkward dinner ever."

  "Pretty much."

  "I'm in," he said, standing.

  I smiled, lifting my chin to meet his gaze. "Yeah?"

  "Of course. Gotta meet the in-laws. Looking forward to all of those judgey eyes and questions about my meager salary."

  "Glad you know what to expect."

  He leaned over and kissed my cheek, waving before he rounded the corner. "Love you!" he called back just before the door chimed.

  "We don't love you back!" Jojo yelled.

  The room was quiet except for the forks scraping against the plates and Daddy sipping his water from a wine glass. Felix was standing by the door like a militant waiting for Tyler or me to attempt escape, and mother hadn't looked me in the eye since we'd arrived.

  Finley was busy texting on her phone, just as embarrassed to be in the same room with Tyler as he was with her.

  Sally looked up to wink at me occasionally to make sure I wasn't too stressed. Tyler was cutting through his lamb shank, happily eating the fourth course of a five-course dinner.

  "Ellison," Mother began in her voice that warned of impending doom. "Your father has spoken with the board, and they're very interested in using your newfound talents within the company. I'm sure you'll find the salary very agreeable in comparison with your current pay."

  I swallowed quickly, and then cleared my throat. "I like the job I have now."

  "You can do the same job at Edson Tech, sweetheart," she said.

  "I can't hike mountains and photograph wildfires at Edson Tech."

  Mother pursed her lips, deepening the wrinkles around her mouth. "Precisely. Your father and I feel that your higher wages will better assist with the cost of your new condo, and--"

  "Uh ... you insisted on that condo, and I complied."

  "But it still costs money, dear. Money that, as an adult, you should provide."

  "I was living in a great apartment that I could afford."

  "We agreed a move would help create the feeling of a fresh start."

  "I could have found a more affordable apartment, I--"

  "Meredith," Sally interjected. I had grown to love her calm, soothing voice--a voice I once believed was manipulative and fake. Now that she was someone I trusted to call when in trouble, Daddy thought it would be a good idea to hire her back "Ellison likes the job she has now. It might be counterproductive to her path to wellness if we pull her away from a place where she feels comfortable and push her into an employment that may pay more, but is something she's not quite as happy with."

  "She'll like it just fine," Mother said, blatantly dismissive.

  "Meredith," Daddy began.

  "Philip," Mother snapped, her voice rising an octave. She smiled, regaining her composure. "We agreed that it would be good for Ellison to find her place in the company and be an active participant in paying her bills."

  "Ellison disagrees," Sally said. "And she's doing very well." She smiled at me. "She was paying bills before we moved her to the condo."

  "Ellison doesn't have a choice," Mother said.

  "Actually, she does," Sally responded. "She could just as easily move into a different apartment if you insist on holding it over her head. I'm sure that's not what your intention was when you secured it for her. I recall you being very concerned about her recovery and wanting to offer something to reduce her stress level."

  "Sally," Mother said with a stiff smile. She patted her mouth with her napkin. "You work for me, not for Ellison."

  Sally didn't flinch. "I'm an independent service, one which you sought out to help you guide Ellison to a better life. She's happy. What you're proposing is the opposite of that. Especially now, in the beginning of her recovery ... Meredith. You can't honestly think this is what's best for your daughter at this time."

  Mother glared at Daddy, waiting for him to interject.

  He sat up, clearing his throat and chewing quickly. "Your mother"--she glared at him--"and I ... feel that now that you've moved past your college ... ways ... that your place is at Edson Tech. She's taken great care to create a station that includes photography, and she wants you to have the position and respect you deserve. It's been very difficult for her to think of her daughter as a secretary, or this ... dirty, camping, forest person snapping pictures of squirrels."

  Tyler leaned forward. "I'm sorry, sir ... have you seen Ellie's work? She's not photographing squirrels, she's documenting the containment of large wildfires around the U.S., and she's very, very talented. She's published, and she's sought after. She's given up a few offers, including National Geographic."

  "Really? That's so great, Elliebee," Finley said, a proud smile stretching across her face.

  "Thanks," I said.

  Tyler grabbed my hand under the table, and I sat up tall. "If you want me to move out of the condo, I'm happy to do that. But I'm not quitting my job."

  Mother narrowed her eyes at Tyler. "I suppose this has something to do with him."

  "No, actually, it's just about me loving my job. But I also love him, and taking a job with Edson Tech would mean moving to the East Coast, and I want to st
ay in Estes Park."

  Mother rolled her eyes. "It's a tourist town, Ellison. It's not somewhere you plant roots."

  "That's not true," I said. "My roots are pretty firmly planted."

  Tyler squeezed my hand.

  Mother put her elbow on the table and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're really marrying a firefighter, Ellison? No offense, Mr. Maddox, but how do you plan to provide for our daughter?"

  He tossed his napkin on the table, his shoulders relaxed. "Ellie doesn't really need me to support her financially, but I make six figures annually, Mrs. Edson. That ain't bad."

  "Really?" Daddy said, intrigued.

  Tyler shrugged. "I make a lot of overtime, and hazard pay is the tits."

  "Is the...?" Mother began.

  "He means it's lucrative, Mother," Finley said, glancing at me.

  "Well," Daddy said, loosening his tie. "I think it sounds like they've got it nailed down."

  "No, it most certainly does not," Mother said. "This boy--"

  "Meredith," Daddy barked. "That's enough."

  Finley looked down, her mouth infinitesimally curving upward. It didn't happen often, but we both loved it when Daddy finally reined Mother in.

  "I don't see why Ellison can't stay in the condo as long as she likes. We've purchased a New York apartment for Finley, after all."

  "Finley's not an addict," Mother hissed.

  "Neither am I," I said. "I'm a recovering addict."

  Maricela brought out a tray full of creme brulee, passing out a small white bowl to my parents, Finley, Tyler, and me.

  "Mother," I said, taking one bite of Maricela's specialty before I spoke. "Maybe it's time you accept that your dreams for me are not mine. I've made a lot of mistakes, and broke your heart, and for that, I'm sorry. I have a long way to go and much to make up for, but I won't apologize for wanting to keep a job I love and being engaged to a man who has been everything to me. We might have to get our hands dirty for a paycheck, but ... I love being gross with him."

  Tyler's mouth pulled into a half-smile.

  "I want to see some of those features, young lady," Daddy said.

  "Yes, sir." I smiled.

  "Dinner was amazing. Thank you," Tyler said.

  Daddy stood up as we did. "It was nice to meet you, Tyler. Looking forward to hearing some of your stories."

  Tyler walked around the long table to shake Daddy's hand. "I'm looking forward to you seeing the pictures."

  Tyler returned to me and held out his hand. I followed him for a few steps until Mother called my name.